Scarlett Johansson

If you've had your tongue on Sean Penn's golden raisin taint as he yammered on about saving Haiti, you too would try to cleanse your brain of that terrifying memory by spinning on the dick of grown men who used to be child actors. That's pretty much what ScarJo is trying to do. ScarJo has already bounced her chichis on the face of Kieran Culkin and now UsWeekly is saying that she can answer the question: "What does the inside of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's mouth feel like?"

The details from UsWeekly as every trick who cried snot tears during 50/50 screams out, "Third rock from the NOOOOO!!!!":

Scarlett Johansson was spotted making out with 50/50 star Joseph Gordon-Levitt in NYC last month. "They were kissing," an eyewitness tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday. "They were very lovey."

It wasn't the first time Johansson, 26, and Gordon-Levitt, 30, hit the town together. The duo dined at Hundred Acres in NYC's SoHo area in late July.

Although a source tells Us that Ryan Reynolds' ex and Gordon-Levitt have been "discussing a project for a while [but] have never kissed," another insider explains, "They first met about a film they wanted to do together, but it's gone beyond that now."

One of ScarJo's friend says that it was just a kiss, which is polite talk for "She's a slut." But really, it was just a damn kiss. Maybe ScarJo was telling JGL that she can't get the rancid taste of Sean Penn's old nuts out of her mouth and he was curious to see what she was talking about. Who knows.

ScarJo really doesn't have a type, though. Bitch went from Ryan Reynolds to Sean Penn to Kieran Culkin to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Four of these are not like the other. You better watch out, because ScarJo may get on your favorite white actor to fap to next. Where ScarJo's coochie will stop next, nobody knows.

Now that Blake Lively's publicist landed her a full-time temp-to-perm gig as Leonardo DiCatchaHo's piece, they are sitting back, marveling at the bland fruits of their labor and passing their tricks of the STUNT QUEEN romance trade to Bradley Cooper's publicist. I say that because that fiction fan-writing bitch is going at it hard. Case in point: B. Coop pursed and winked at JLo during a romantic date over a week ago and the details magically landed in TMZ's inbox from the e-mail address "bradleycooperisaheterosexualvaginalover@rocketmail.com." Contract negotiations must've broken down like Skeletor's metabolism when he eats something other than virgin plasma, because B. Coop has wiggled away from JLo and is off doing the heterosexual mating dance with other pieces.

An "eyewitness" tells Life & Style (via NYDN) that B. Coop threw flirty eyes at ScarJo and held her hand while partying with friends at some club in NYC the other night. This mess reads like something out of Choose Your Own Beardventures.

"Scarlett and Bradley arrived with a small group of friends, including model Cheyenne Tozzi, around 2am. While Bradley was flirty with Cheyenne initially, after some drinks he turned his attention to Scarlett. The duo were hand in hand and more than flirty by the end of the night!

They were here with a group of friends and ordered champagne. The group was having a good time together."

ScarJo's rep says that they have been good friends ever since doing that shit show He's Just Not That Into You together and if they held hands they did it as friends only. Okay?

But you know, I, for one, love it whenever "Bradley Cooper is a pussy wrassling man whore who licks the ladies" is shoved down our throat holes, because it tastes like nothing but strawberry-flavored Booty Eaze gel and Victor Garber's taint sweat.

Earlier this morning, the earth stopped spinning for two seconds, because every titty-loving creature held their breaths and pulled down their chonies at the same time when the words "SCARLETT JOHANSSON NUDE PICTURES LEAKED" were stamped on the internet's taint and BOOM! This is what everyone has been waiting for!

This is why wars are being fought! Every single fap has been a dress rehearsal for this moment! This is why peens get up in the morning! Etc! Etc! Etc! But then it happened, and nothing. Nobody put down their guns and started jacking. The world kept being a shit place. How do I really, really know? Well, I got up to pee this morning, then put on my way too-tight, ball-hugging shorty shorts, sat down in front of this laptop and out came some tardy for the party piss giving me a wet spot that I swear my mom's bitchy cat is judging me for. I see a "You know, the litter box is just over there..." look coming from his prissy eyes. ScarJo's nipple gracing the internet was supposed to stop shit like this from happening. We've been lied to!

But anyway, (NSFW unless you work for UNICEF) click here to see ScarJo's nipple, ass and ugly wallpaper. TMZ says that the FBI is investigating this since the pictures were hacked from her cell phone by the same ho who hacked Vanessa Hudgens and MiserAlba. But the FBI don't need to investigate this shit since this isn't ScarJo. It's obviously Not Blake Lively.

In case you missed it, here's ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.

You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you'd be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn't bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don't know what their damn costumes do. I don't know why they're running around. I don't know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don't know!

But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.

Page Six says that while Ryan Reynolds bumped nipples with Charlize Theron and Sean Penn did bumps off of a nipple, ScarJo bumped brains with Ashley Olsen's ex Justin Bartha at a party for the off-Broadway play All New People on Saturday night. Do brains have nipples? Because if so, that's the part of their brains that bumped together.

A witness type says that ScarJo and Justin, who's in those Hangover movies, were "engrossed" in each other and spent the entire night canoodling with each other's words. The witness went on, "There were about 15 people at the table, but Scarlett and Justin sat next to each other and talked all night. They seemed pretty fascinated with each other and only talked to each other. It looked sometimes flirty, but also they seemed to be involved in a deep discussion."

Since we all know that you only get "engrossed" in a trick if you want to get gross with them later on, ScarJo and Justin totally did it. Two celebrities cannot share a conversation without sharing each other's genital juices later. It's just not possible. But ScarJo is doing what she needs to do. You know when you eat something that leaves a layer of ICK NAST on the roof of your mouth and you have to gargle with everything and anything to get the taste out? That's what ScarJo is doing. After riding on Sean Penn for way too long, she's just cleansing her poon palate. I think the exact medical phrase is called, "Listerine-ing your cooch."

ScarJo was seen at Little Dom's in Los Feliz this past weekend trying to Magic Erase the image of Sean Penn snorting out wet coke balls out of nose while grunting during a motorboating session by having dinner with ex-husband Ryan Reynolds. A witness tells Life & Style that ScarJo and Ryan were flirting with their eyes and she even pinched at his face cheeks with her fingers (????) at one point. But if UsWeekly is telling the truth, then ScarJo and Ryan only met up so that she could give him the bag of tile spacers he left in her car. You know, the tile spacers he puts between his rock hard ab biscuits so they don't rub together and chafe when he does his daily routine of doing crunches until his stomach pouch slides into his nutsack for some peace and stillness. But I am digressing all over the place again....

A source says that Ryan and Charlize Theron have been making pretty people sex with each other for at least a few months. They've been keeping it on the down low and the source doesn't expect them to come prancing out onto the ho stroll while holding each other's genitals anytime soon, because that's not Charlize's style. The source went on to say, "They're exclusive, and it's very hush-hush. They're both career-focused, but not in a crazy way."

Break out the BREAKING NEWS siren! Two pretty people are doing the fuck thing together!!! This never happens!!!! But seriously, slap this shit with both a "random" and "makes sense" label.

Ryan has always sort of rubbed me in a weird way (not like that). It's those tiny eyes. Even when he opens them as wide as he can, he still looks like he's been stalking you from across the room for hours and is trying to focus on the little mole under your eye so that he can draw it perfectly on the tribute wall that's dedicated to you in his room at the halfway house. (And yes, he does thee crunches while drawing your mole.) Charlize, on the other hand, seems like a regular bag of normal. So the two of them together does make me cock my head (not that one) to the side a bit. But Ryan must be shitting four leaf clovers, but he is lucky as hell. You haven't experienced true love until you've slow rolled with Charlize Theron to a Journey song in the middle of a rink.

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

I knew this day would come someday, but I thought it would be in a few months from now when grainy cell phones pictures of Sean Penn doing a line of the bad shit off of a relief worker's thigh in a tent in Haiti would show up on the front page of The News of the World. But nope, today is the day that ScarJo woke up and realized that she was done humping on a water damaged leather duffel bag filled with douche water. Yup, she's done enough leather bag humping to last her a few lifetimes. The details from People:

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are no longer dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.

Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, made headlines when they took a whirlwind trip to Cabo San Lucas after being spotted getting flirty together during a lunch date in Los Angeles.

Spokeswhores for both ScarJo and Sean Penn kept their lips shut about this.

Weren't there a few blind items that insinuated that ScarJo had a case of the BABIES??!!! Either the impossible has happened and a blind item is not true, or ScarJo's going to pull a January Jones. Maybe she'll run back to Ryan Reynolds and tell him that the baby is his. Everything will be candy coated rainbows until ScarJo gives birth to a baby with a German Shepherd face and a hankering for tying hos to chairs. Ryan's eyes will widen, ScarJo will scream and the baby will beat all of them with a bat. If life was Telemundo, that's what would happen.

Seen here busting out the classic "pooping in the woods" pose for Details, Ryan Reynolds talked to the magazine about how he's not going to talk about how his married to ScarJo melted into the lube she used to hump on Sean Penn. But Ryan did say that his heart is still crying sad tears over it and he's not ready to date again. Ryan also said that contrary to blind items and gossiping whores, a heavy dose of scandal didn't drown his marriage. I'll let RyRey take it from here:

On how the media won't be getting any eVites from him anytime soon: "I'll say this: The media wasn't invited to my marriage, and they're definitely not invited into the divorce."

On how he's still half-sad about his divorce: "Anyone who gets divorced goes through a lot of pain. but you come out of it. I'm not out of it yet. At all. But I sense that as I do come through it, there's optimism. How can there not be? I don't think I want to get married again, but you always reevaluate these things. Any kind of crisis can be good. It wakes you up. I gotta say, I'm a different person than I was six months ago."

On how everyone got it wrong when they threw an ESCANDALO label on his split from ScarJo: "What was happening privately was the exact opposite of what was being reported. There was no story and no scandal, so the narrative was just created for me. That was the most disturbing part. I wasn't angry. I absolutely predicted every beat of it. There's an entire economy around this sort of thing—therefore it's gotta happen one way or another. There was a time, though, when looking at the Internet was a miracle cure for feeling good about myself."

On how he and ScarJo kept it clean: "Departing a relationship and still maintaining the idea that this is still the same person I married is a great luxury that I experienced. Thankfully I was in a relationship where two people chose to remain on the high road in every regard."

On how he's not dating so stop asking: "I have no interest in dating right now. It just seems so kind of alien to me at this point. I've been in relationships pretty much since high school. Some people look at that as a good thing. I think wiser people might see that as a house of cards. I'm very happy not to be in a relationship right now. That's okay. I didn't plan on it, that's for sure . . . but that's okay.

I'll tell Ryan Reynolds what I tell all hot pieces who tell me they just got out of a relationship (BLAH BLAH BLAH) and aren't looking for anything serious (BLAH BLAH BLAH). Who said shit about a relationship?! We won't kiss on the lips with feeling. I won't ever stay the night. And I promise I won't scream your name when you cross to the other side of the street after seeing me in public.*

* This depends on whether or not I'm under the influence of something that might affect my decision making skills like cheap whiskey, fresh weed and Entenmann's.

Here's ScarJo and the sun-damaged German Shepherd that is Sean Penn leaving a White House Correspondents' Dinner after-party while giving the international signal for: "Yeah, our nipples will be in each other's mouths later." To think, about this time last year ScarJo was holding the peen of walking 8-pack Ryan Reynolds and now she's stepping out with Jeff Spicoli. Either ScarJo is only using Sean Penn to get to her real wet dream star Hugo Chavez or Penn has a peen so thick that he could plug up any size hole in a leaky raft. Not sure, but one thing I am sure about is that the rumor that she's knocked up is only going to get stronger thanks to this picture.

But I for one believe ScarJo when she says she's not giving birth to a gigantic wrinkly tit baby that smells like cigarette smoke anytime soon. You too would be bloated as all hell if you were humping on Sean Penn.