Scarlett Johansson

The giant cloud blocking everyone's sunshine on the set of Iron Man 2 was not ScarJo's gigantic chichi balls. No, apparently, Fishsticks Paltrow is the one who brought everyone down. A little while ago, I wrote some post about how Fishy and ScarJo didn't exchange friendship bracelets or become blood sisters while working together. Fox411 is now co-signing that rumor and adding that even the crew scurried like roaches every time the GOOP QUEEN entered the building.

A source said, "Gwyneth is extremely cool at work. She's just a step above professional, too snobby. Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn't outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn't ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth's choosing."

Fishy must be a real yeast infection of a person, because the crew liked hanging out with her dirty tampon husband instead! The source went on to yap, "Much of the crew didn't mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie."

In Fishy's defense, she didn't talk to Mrs. Ryan Reynolds, because ScarJo's tittays are fatty and filled with cholesterol. Fishy only surrounds herself with natural healthiness.

And I know these "Fishy is annoying" stories are a dime a dozen, but I really can't get enough of them. I can totally picture the crew having a zillion laughs with ScarJo when all of a sudden Fishy slithers into the room causing everyone to come down with the dry shits and cotton mouth. Bitch really knows how to eff up your bowel movements.

Loki's soulmate, Robert Downey Jr. and ScarJo are all on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly as their Iron Man characters. While I appreciate seeing RDJ's plastic red mango crotch and Mickey's always-precious chilaquiles face, I am not amused by ScarJo.

It looks like she has Carrot Top's luscious dick bush on her head. They should've just wrapped Carrot Top's peen in black leather and had it play the Black Widow. It would probably do a better Russian accent than ScarJo too. OH FUCK, her Russian accent is going to make the entire city of Moscow weep for a thousand years. They are barely getting over Harrison Ford's butchery in K-19: Widowmaker.

Fishsticks Paltrow and Mrs. Ryan Reynolds are reportedly throwing each other deathly side-eyes left and right on the set of Iron Man 2. That's what The Sun claims anyway. According to them, Fishy is slapping herself in the nipples out of frustration, because ScarJo is getting all the attention from the crew on set. Um. Minor correction. ScarJo isn't getting all the attention, her 8th World Wonder chichis are. Moving on...

Some source says that Fishy just doesn't understand ScarJo's style. Fishy also has her guppy lips in a twist, because ScarJo gets to walk around in ho outfits while she has to wear boring ass suits. The source went on to say, “They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set. Gwyneth was looking forward to working with Emily Blunt, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”

Poor little Poopy's jealous of ScarJo's magnificent breasteses! It's okay, Fishy. Don't be jealous of the rocks that she's got. Your husband is a bigger TIT than both of ScarJo's massive tittay balls combined.

You know, why is Fishy always such a cunt?! Why?! I'm going to blame all that birdseed and organic grass she eats! If ho ate a Rocky Road bar every now and again, she probably wouldn't be such a miserable bitch!

However, that doesn't mean I'm Team ScarJo. Nope. I'm Team RDJ Show Us That Dick Already!

If you haven't had a few sips of your morning boiled meth tea then you might think these are pictures of Amanda LePore's doll. Amanda's dolly would look more lifelike than this fakery right here. This is ScarJo in some new ads for Moet & Chandon. When a champagne bottle has more life in it than the bitch it's posing with, then maybe it's time to take your mouse to "Quit Photoshop," walk away from the computer and go look at actual living things on the street. Your perspective have been fucked with.

This bitch has candle face! Not only does she have the personality of an unlit candle, but now she looks like one!

If only they could invent some kind of Photoshop tool they could use in movies to give the illusion that ScarJo is actually a good actress. Photoshop her fucking acting! Then the bitch would be complete.

My nipples dry barfed after reading this shit. Dudes have nipples for so many reasons. I couldn't even write all the reasons on ScarJo's big ass chichis. That's how many reasons there are. Dumb bitch ScarJo can't think of one.

While promoting He's Just Not Into This Movie, ScarJo told the Chicago-Sun Times (via ShowbizSpy), "The one thing I don't understand about men is nipples. I don't know if there is one aspect of men that I don't understand other than why they have nipples. Honestly, why? I guess it has something to do with the X chromosome. What is the function of the male nipple? Maybe we all start as androgynous creatures and then they become men?"

Who the fuck says that?! I mean, when you're riding a dick you need something to do! You don't want to kiss the dude, because that just ruins the moment. So you pinch at his nipples, flick at them a little and maybe rub on that shit. They are like skin joysticks to keep you entertained! If you didn't have nipples there to play with, you'd probably pass out from boredom. That's just one of the millions of reasons for dude nips! ScarJo should let her titty balls do the talking. They know what's up.

Here's ScarJo looking like Cher after falling in the curtains at last night's premiere of that Into You shit show.

The last time we left ScarJo's singing career, she had just finished butchering a bunch of Tom Waits songs. Sad. I hope she gave them a good titty jiggle before they met their demise. Well, ScarJo's next victim is Jeff Buckley. ScarJo covered Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" for that I NEED A MAN: The Jennifer Aniston Story movie. The only thing this bitch ScarJo should cover is her fucking mouth.

Okay, ScarJo's version doesn't make me want to fuck my ears with skewers, but it's just not worthy. The bitch has the emotional depth of a crotch crouton. This shit would make sense if it was packaged with a bottle of Nytol, a glass of lukewarm milk and one of those precious body hugging pillows. She sounds like a mouth breather who just overdosed on Tylenol PM. To sleep!

And who is ScarJo the song-butcher going to go after next? If she even tries to cover the legendary musical genius of my life known as Debbie Deb, then you better stay indoors because an out-for-blood homo will be on the loose.

VIA ONTD

ScarJo was on Jay Leno last night and complained about catching a cold from Samuel L. Jackson while promoting that The Spirit movie they did together. ScarJo, who obviously has an ego bigger than her massive chichis, thought her snot-covered tissue was worth something, so she agreed to auction it off on eBay. The money will be donated to ScarJo's charity of choice, USA Harvest.

The dumb bitch is on to something, because the auction is currently at $2,025 with 60 fucking bids! It ends on Monday.

It's not like her vagina or asshole blew into the tissue, her mocos-filled schnoz did. For that much money, there better be a hair in there or at least a chunky piece of nose jizz.

You know the dude who claims ScarJo is a clone is going to sell his mom's Precious Moments collection in order to buy this shit, so he can really make another ScarJo. Good going, ScarJo!

And Wino should also consider doing this shit. Imagine how much her cokey boogs are worth?! There's at least a hundred grams chilling out up in there.

That's what ScarJo claims anyway. She's threatening to sue UK Cosmopolitan for completely making up an entire interview she says never happened. ScarJo claims she never ever spoke to any whores at Cosmo, so the conversation they published with her is made of lies. Kind of like her nose. And her singing career.....

In the issue, Not-ScarJo says shit like "Ryan has a very romantic side. We both enjoy remembering little things that make us happy" and “But Ryan and I are in love, and we’re enjoying evolving our relationship together. I feel that my life and my work are heading in the right direction.”

ScarJo's spokesbitch said she would never say any crap like that, because she doesn't talk about her personal life.

This shit reminds me of an e-mail I got a couple of weeks ago from some dude named Serge who claims Scarlett Johansson is a clone! She is kind of robotic looking and I doubt she really has a soul in there. Here's a little piece of the craziness he sent me:

I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more,those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorized personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

It all makes sense now! ScarJo didn't give an interview to UK Cosmo. Scarlett Galabekian (ScarGA) did! Maybe ScarGA can start replacing ScarJo in movies too. I mean, her acting skills can't be any worse than ScarJo's.

On a serious note, you know Alanis is behind this shit. It's a good thing Cosmo didn't publish the quote, "My name is ScarJo and I am a dumb whore. My titties are fake and Alanis is a goddess."

These two bitches didn't waste any time. Ryan Reynolds, 31, and ScarJo, 23, got married in some remote wilderness resort (WTF) outside of Vancouver last night. Remote wilderness resort?! Did the bitch wear berries in her hair and the bunny rabbits were her bridesmaids? Actually, I like that. I want a remote wilderness resort wedding.

Anyshotgunwedding, ScarJo's rep confirmed the wedding to UsWeekly. In addition to several dozen woodland creatures, guests included her mommy and brother.

The two became engaged last May after dating for about a year.

I bet that Ryan couldn't stop staring at ScarJo's magnificent chichis during the ceremony. He probably even said, "I Ryan, take you ScarJo's chichis to be...." Can you blame him? And ScarJo said, "I ScarJo, take you Ryan's six pack..."

What's with the rush wedding? She's knocked up, right? I'm getting excited just thinking about how big those titty balls are going to get if she's with child. She's going to knock out Salma Hayek's record!

And I just want to let ScarJo know that Ryan is thinking of Alanis Morissette when he fucks her. Okay, not really, but I thought I would throw Alanis a sugar cube or something.

P.S. - I give these whores 6-months tops. Sorry, but Ryan will never be ScarJo's true love...Obama.

Image: Fame

Correction: ScarJo shouldn't sing AT ALL. Above is ScarJo performing "Falling Down" from her new album during AOL's Live Sessions. The bitch sounds like Sinead O'Connor on testosterone. ScarJo needs to "fall down" a damn well already.

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