Madonna

Who says that almost losing your finger every time you stick it in Vadge's Venus Fly Snatch doesn't pay off?! The Sun says that Madonna wants her child near her at all times, but she isn't ready to set up a nursery for him in her house, so she's buying him a shiny new crib of his very own! Apparently, Vadge has sent out her real estate slaves to find her kept child an apartment within walking distance to her own cougar den on the Upper East Side in Manhattan.

Some source who seems to know all about the situation said, "She's told them to spend no more than £1.7million and the pad has to be within walking distance of her townhouse. She is financing everything but Jesus will own it once it's found and bought. She really wasn't kidding when she told him he'll never have to worry about money from now on."

Baby Jesus' dick really does do miracles, because he's managed to turn Vadge's lady jizz into cash! We all have to start respecting Baby Jesus as one of the major players in the gold digging game.

On last night's SNL, Lady CaCa and Vadge joined forces in a skit that was probably put together 5-minutes before in the men's bathroom while the two peed in a urinal. Don't get me wrong, Vadge looked hotter than a brand new mannequin out of the factory, but bitch has the comedic timing of a broken down toilet. You all know Lady CaCa makes my ass lips weepy, but at least she memorized her damn lines and wasn't on a 10-second delay. The producers should have just put a butt plug up Ryan Reynolds' ass and thrown a blonde wig on his head so that he could play Vadge. Actually, that might not have been believable since her biceps are bigger than his.

But seriously, this skit needed to be snatched away by Kanye West! This shit made me want to rub my CAPS-LOCK key while praying for Kanye to pop out on stage and SAVE THEM ALL! Apple should really make an iPhone app for that.

If you want to see the rest of Lady CaCa's skits and performances, skip on over to ONTD. Below is CaCa performing inside my fifth grade science project. Mark this day in history, because this is the first CaCa performance that actually made me smile like a Wino in front of a crackpipe. Skip to the 1:07 mark to see why.

During a radio interview with Ryan Gaycrest on KIIS-FM yesterday, Vadge said she's pretty much done with retirement home dick and will only fuck with you if your balls haven't dropped yet. If you know what Desperately Seeking Susan is, then you are probably too old to ride THAT RIDE. Consider yourself lucky.

When Ryan asked Vadge why she loves the youngins' who barely started growing pubic hair, she said, “You have to be old enough to dress yourself. Younger people are generally more adventurous - they’re more open, more fun. Have you met many guys my age? Guys my age are married or divorced or grumpy, fat and balding.”

Grumpy, fat or balding?! Some men are like dildos and get better with age. Here are 6 pieces that are 51-years-old, just like Vadge!

I mean, she would really turn down the chance to let the Lord of the Dance riverdance all over her cooch? And she wouldn't want lick on the rod that was blessed by the Empress of Lucite?! What about The Guttenberg, or Prince, or Gary Oldman?! Everybody wants to be the cream on a Guttenberg/Prince/Oldman sundae! And as for Alec Baldwin, well she's right when it comes to him. Alec's peen alone can probably be described as "grumpy and balding." It probably has bad breath too. But we'd all still hit it just to hear him call our fuck parts "a thoughtless little pig." Give us that filthy talk, Alec!

Rumor has it that Madonna is supposed to make Baby Jesus her third husband later this year, but she wet queefed on that talk on Letterman last night. Vadge, who is slowly turning into Julie Masking, told Letterman that she would "rather get run over by a train than marry again." You heard it here last! If Vadge ever puts a wedding ring on one of her bones, put on your conductor hat and get on board the Menopause Express bound for Vadgville! Although, she could probably crush the train by flexing just one of her roidy biceps.

Vadge also said she doesn't eat any cheese. I guess this confirms that she makes Baby Jesus soak his crucipeen in a bowl of Kabbalah water before she goes at it.

Vadge usually only eats the kosher organs of fresh fetuses and the nutsack root of virgins (it's macrobiotic!), but she nibbled on a pizza in NYC this afternoon. Vadge washed it all down with a Kabbalah-tini which had just a splash of Baby Jesus' tears of mercy in it. Just a splash. She didn't want to go wild in the afternoon. Vadge did it all during a segment taped for The Late Show with David Letterman. Vadge and Letterman go waaaaaaay back to the dark ages.

Even though Vadge has dropped the fuck word several times on his show, seeing her eat a pizza was probably more shocking for Letterman.

And I have to admit that I kind of like Vadge's whole "First Lady of Russia circa 1989" look.

A few months ago, hos were saying that Madonna was going to marry Baby Jesus in an intimate Kabbalah ceremony. God queefed. Now, one of Vadge's biographers claims she will make Baby Jesus her third husband by the end of the year. Randy Taraborrelli told Hello! Magazine (via DM) that Vadge is planning a "lavish ceremony."

A lavish ceremony which will probably involve a dozen goats, a crucifix, a manger, flying angels and Rocco, David and Lourdes dressed as the three kings. Okay, if Madonna's wedding rivals the Crystal Cathedral's "Glory of Easter" show, then I approve. I don't mean that.

According to Randy, Vadge has been telling friends, "He's so sweet. He checks in with me all the time. I probably should do the same, but you know me. I think he gets it now that I'm a little - shall we say --self-involved." So basically, Vadge is adopting another baby. Makes sense. And she also probably likes that he's potty-trained and doesn't talk back because his nuts haven't dropped yet.

A friend of Vadge's also added, "He respects her, that's number one. He has learned so much from her. He's amazed at how well-rounded she is, the way she juggles her career with her life as a mother, for instance. He understands that she's self-involved, too. Of course, the sex between them is scorching hot. To be candid, it's what's driving things."

This is obviously a case of dickmatization gone too far! I realize that Baby Jesus' toddler dick makes Vadge's octogenarian cooch feel young again, but there's no reason to put a ring on it. A cock ring, yes. A wedding ring, no. Vadge might love money more than she loves herself, so why would she want to put her checking account in danger by marrying Baby Jesus? Fuck with the dick, but don't fuck with your money!

As a bitchy gay brother myself, I know that it's in my job description to kindly take my sister to the side and fix her whenever she's looking busted. If I don't tell her she looks all kinds of wrong, who will? So when I read Christopher Ciccone's cunty comments about the way his sister looked at the VMAs, I didn't really think he was being mean-spirited. Since Vadge crushes her cell phone with her bare hands whenever he calls, he had no choice but to give his critique to E! News. Christopher is speaking from the bottom of his famewhoring heart.

This is what Chris said:

"She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don't keep. It's painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him."

While both Vadge and Chupa bathe in virgin's blood weekly, I don't see the resemblance at all.

But wait, let's compare a picture of Vadge with a picture of Chupa without her make-up on:

Okay, Christopher might have a point.

But seriously, methinks Christopher is just a tad bit jealous that Vadge has enough hair to BUMP her way to fabulousness with. Oh, Christopher, I'm sure you have enough hair down there. BUMP your pube bush!

Vadge should take the fartbag known as Lady CaCa with her wherever she goes, because she looks like a fetus' ass cheek compared to her. Nibbling on Baby Jesus' foreskin cheese (don't worry, it's kosher) has worked wonders on Vadge's face! And I really have to give her a slow clap for bumping up her hair with BUMPITS. Lady CaCa on the other hand, looks like an asshole. An asshole who will snatch your hamburgers! Seriously, The Hamburglar wants his weekend S&M mask back.

Here's more of CaCa, Madonna and her child at Marc Jacobs' show last night in NYC. And the dude in the picture above is my hero of the day. I'll finish that eyeroll for him.

Over at The Sun, they have a video of Baby Jesus' sugar memaw "collapsing" during her "Dry & Itchy" show in Bulgaria on Saturday night. In the clip, Vadge is singing "Holiday" when she passes out on one of her dancers. Dude shakes her a bit, she wakes up and gets right back into it.

Some source also said that it wasn't the first time during the show that the ole' bag of bones fell over. As she left the stage after another number, Vadge fell over and had to sit down to get her shit together. The source added, "She refused to end the show or take a break after the Holiday dizzy spell. It turns out she's suffering from exhaustion. She is anaemic. She was advised to postpone the last two shows in Israel for a few days, but logistics and stubborness stopped her. She'll do them then take some rest."

After looking at that video, it doesn't look like her ass "collapsed," it looks like she just took a quick nap. Ancient zombies get tired! Look at Larry King. It ain't a Larry King interview unless he passes out at least four times during it. When that happens, his staff sticks a defibrillator pad up his ass, shoves a bottle of smelling salts in his nose and then he's good to go! If you only fed on the tears of your victims and the menstrual fluid of a virgin, you'd have the tireds too!

And Vadge still doesn't have shit on Rusty:

Scenes from the Cougar Convention take two!

This is Vadge's "nothing special" video for "Celebration" which is a single off of her latest greatest hits album. It's just Vadge grinding and humping it like she has an itch in her crotch that she can't scratch. Put a tube of Premarin on it!

Lourdes and Baby Jesus both make cameos in this video. My favorite part comes courtesy of the latter. While Baby Jesus pretends to spin (awww...endearing), Madonna comes around, strips off his jacket and shows us all what her money can buy. Yes, Madonna, we know Baby Jesus is your whore.

And I leave you with some pictures of Madonna, Baby Jesus and political Rzipi Livni leaving a restaurant in Israel last night. Ha.