Madonna

What in the Donnie Darko tranny candle Hell is this?! Seriously, if you put a pair of tinfoil bunny ears on a brand new candle, it would look more like a human being than this. Maybe they wanted Vadge to look like she belongs in a pink box on the shelf of a Toys 'R Us? And fingers really shouldn't look like tiny plastic uncut dicks.

VIA The Frisky

Vadge, Rocco, Lourdes, David and her gang of nannies, assistants and gays arrived in London yesterday to prepare for the arrival of the newest member of the family: Mercy. According to UsWeekly, Mercy popped into London this morning after leaving her native Malawi last night. Vadge sent a private jet, a nanny, a child nurse and one of her assistants to pick up her newest baby friend.

I know you're casting a judgmental gaze upon Vadge for not going to Africa to pick up her own daughter, but don't! First of all, at least Vadge didn't send Mercy by FedEx like I thought she would. Second of all, Mercy probably told Vadge that she'll meet her in London. That way Mercy can easily sneak a few cocktails in on the plane before coming face to face with her new mother. Homegirl knows what she's in for.

P.S. - That precious poodle in the pink shorts is giving me fevah!

While Madonna is awaiting for DHL to deliver her fifth child, her fourth child is in Brazil selling his goods for a dollar during Sao Paulo Fashion Week. Baby Jesus used to make my nipples chirp, but now the thought of Madonna's callous clit rubbing all over his face has made my entire body go limp for him. Oh, who am I fooling? I'd still whistle "I Don't Know How To Love Him?" into his peen hole.

That fugpack Baby Jesus is wearing is going to come in handy. Those front pockets provide him easier access to Vadge's Replens whenever she screams for it.

After eating their breakfast of deep fried money, three judges in Malawi shuffled into court this morning and granted Vadge's adoption of 3-year-old Mercy. As you know, they originally shut down Vadge, because she had not lived in the country for at least 18-months. She appealed and threatened to feed them to her roidy cooze monster, so they really had no choice. The mattress stuffed with money she sent them sealed the deal.

The judges also fingered Vadge's b-hole by saying she has improved the lives of the children in Malawi with her organization. And then gallons of roid smegma came gushing out of her flooding the upper part of Manhattan. Oh yeah, Vadge isn't even in Malawi. She's still in NYC! The baby snatcher has no plans to travel to Africa to pick up her trophy!

According to People, Vadge is going to send a private jet to pick up Mercy. I guess FedEx wouldn't pick up on the weekends.

That's that. Money talks and the baby walks!

Remember how Vadge was denied adopting little Mercy, because they said she needed to have lived in Malawi for at least 18-months? Well, that was all just a silly mistake, because suddenly three appeal judges have allowed the adoption to go through! The African baby snatcher WINS! Your child is NEXT!!!!

The Sun says that two judges have already turned in reports stating that the adoption should go ahead and the third judge is right there with them. They will announce their decision this Sunday in court. Vadge's lawyer already gave her the news.

The judges apparently agreed that the 18-month rule is "out of date." I wonder when it suddenly became out of date? Before or after the rhinestone-covered Bentley, solid gold toilet and suitcase of money arrived at their doorsteps?

Well, this is good news for Baby Jesus. Rocco and David always give him shade in the playroom, because he's the new bitch. At least he has someone to play with now.

Ass-Roidy's former and current fuck time friend almost crossed paths this weekend at the Polo Classic (aka The Hot Ginge Appreciation Party), but one of them made sure that didn't happen. Kate Hudson, who is currently whispering sweet nothings into A-Roid's dick hole, did whatever she could to stay away from the EVIL VADGE!

When Kate first arrived, she sat in the front of the VIP section, but she quickly shuttled her ass to the back after she heard Madonna and children (that includes you, Baby Jesus) had just arrived. One guest told Gatecrasher, “Kate was completely intimidated by Madonna. She clearly didn’t want trouble and decided to keep a low profile for the rest of the match. I didn’t even see Kate Hudson again after Madonna arrived. She ran away! But if I were dating Madonna’s ex, I’d be scared, too!”

Another guest said that Vadge didn't even lay one queef over the presence of Kate Hudson and her stuffed jelly donut face. The other guest said, “Madonna literally didn’t care. She showed up with no makeup, a dowdy denim outfit and her hair pulled up in a ponytail. She doesn’t need to compete with Kate, because she will always be Queen Bee.”

Queen Bee? Ick. Nast. Regina George, she ain't!

I hope that while Kate Hudson was hiding out in the back, she found some fucking dignity. I mean, hiding from Vadge and taking a dildo to A-Roid's ass in the same week?! Although, it's a good thing she doesn't have any balls, because if she did, Vadge would've sniffed 'em out and swallowed them whole anyway.

Baby Jesus' father, God, has told Brazil's Who Magazine (via Gatecrasher) that the rumors about his son marrying Madonna are true. I'm not even a practicing Catholic anymore, but I feel like I need to pray for the fuckery I read in that last sentence. SANTO DIOS! Hand me a rosary and light a candle! Get my veil too! The lace one!

God said that they will "marry" in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. Since it's not going to be a real marriage, he's not sure if it's legally binding or not. The magazine also asked God about the rumors that Madonna was making Baby Jesus take ESL lessons, but he says that's all just lies. God chirped, "Jesus already spoke English very well before he knew Madonna! I've spoken by phone with Madonna - in French, because my English is not fluent - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person. She is feminine. I don't feel she is a harsh person."

If you swallowed your tongue after reading the "feminine" part, you're not alone. I've been trying to pull my tongue out of my throat ever since I read that. Madonna is about as feminine as a T-Rex's dick.

You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this Kabbalah ceremony thing. Methinks Vadge is up to something. This isn't a commitment ceremony, this is a de-nutsack ceremony! And while she's in there, she's going to take his peen's hoody too! Because if you're going to be knocking it with Madonna long-term, you gotta leave your ballies at the door.

Okay, kids, grab the net! It looks like Memaw Vadge stole Little Krissy's tap dancing outfit again and is running the streets like a crazy in it.

For the love of CaCa! What is this that I'm looking at it? This looks like Scotty the Blue Bunny starring in an S&M version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? as seen through the eyes of a delusional homeless dude who thinks he's in the reincarnation of Picasso. Give memaw some warm Benefiber, soak her dentures in some Polident and read her a sweet story until she goes to bed. Bitch needs to lie down! Trix are for kids and so is this outfit.

Here's Vadge in the latest LOOKATMEGODPLEASELOOKATMEPLEASE creation from Louis Vuitton at last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met and later with Baby Jesus at the after-party. Seriously, where is Elmer Fudd when you need him?

Madonna is really trying to make her child happen in the fashion world. Before his pimp and savior came along, Baby Jesus was just another purdy face in a sea of models. But now that he's Vadge's main culo tickler, the work has been pouring in and not everyone's has smile faces about it.

Last week, Baby Jesus walked the Jeffrey Fashion Cares show in NYC and the other models crucified him with their words! A source told Gatecrasher, “None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him. They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn’t wait for his career to fizzle out.” His career?! What about his peen fizzling? It probably looks like a dehydrated green bean now.

The catty models and I can laugh all we want, but Baby Jesus is still getting work, dehydrated peen and all. He's about to shoot a campaign for Dolce & Gabbana. And Marc Jacobs even wrote a letter to the US Visa people telling him that Baby Jesus needs to stay in the country to work, because he's important to the fashion industry. I just rolled my eyes so hard that my contact popped out! Baby Jesus is no Sue Ellen Crandell.

If I were Baby Jesus, I'd quit this modeling thing and focus on getting knocked up! Hey, Vadge probably produces man sperm, so it's not totally out of the question. Baby Jesus needs to get pregnant to secure his future! And if he can give birth to an African orphan, even better.

Here's Baby Jesus' adopted memaw taking her new face out for a walk in NYC last night.

Just a few days after a horse threw Vadge off its back causing her to break into a million tiny pieces like a Jenga puzzle, she was back out wining and dining her sweet Baby Jesus. Madonna and child shared a meal together at the Waverly Inn in NYC last night. Well, he probably ate and she sat back, taking in the intoxicating scent of the young blood running through his baby veins. Vadge really gets off watching her victims eat just before she devours the hotness right out of them.

You know, I've said this eleventy times before, but Vadge's FACE. HER FACE. I took a magnifying glass to these pictures, because I wanted to find a little pair of culo lips somewhere on her mug. I'm convinced her face has been covered with the skin of a baby's ass.