Madonna

At first I thought Madge was stick her tongue down Cheryl Burke's mouth! Cheryl Burke would have liked it, because she's a tramp whore! So...Madonna performed a small show in Paris yesterday and forced one of her innocent dancers to suck face with her. Dancer girl better have gotten a bonus for that nastiness.

It Madge wanted to swap spit with me, I'd do it. I'd suck as much spit from her mouth as I could and then spit it into a jar. I'd put that crap on eBay. Madonnaloonies will pay top dolla for her memaw juice.

I hope Madonna knows that this kind of shit doesn't surprise us anymore. The only way she can truly shock us is if she put out good music. The truth.

Madonna performed a 32-minute set at NYC's Roseland last night for free! Well, it wasn't totally free, because some people waited over 60 hours to get in. WTF! I wouldn't even wait 60 hours in line to see a Pete Doherty and Amy Wino crack-off! Ok, I totally would.

Anyway, during her set, Madge told the audience, “All you people I saw sleeping in the street last night, this song is for you.” She went on to say, "And don't forget to waste your hard earned cash on all my products, because I really need to buy a 4th home in London. CHEERIO!" Ok, she didn't say the last part.

Madge was joined on stage by Douche Timberlake and two tampons bumped vaginas to that hideous song of theirs. Seriously, can that song be put down already?

At least Madge kept her hands and crotch covered. That's all that I ask. Yes, it looks like her performance had its fair share of memaw crotch thrusts, but that's ok. Madonna is the new Sally O'Malley. She's 50 (almost)!!!!

Madonna was on "Today" this morning to discuss her new chicken cutlets. Actually, she was on to talk to creepy Ann Curry about her documentary called "I Am Because We Are." It's about orphans in Malawi.

She also talked to Ann about her own experiences with adopting little David Banda. Madge said the adoption process has been difficult, confusing and invasive. She said she has been finger printed 20 times and has had social workers come through her home. Of course it's fucking difficult! She's adopting a kid not buying a Volkswagen.

Madge's faux British accent was intact through the whole interview. You know, it didn't bother me. I was too distracted with Ann Curry's creepy soft "interview voice." The bitch has serial killer voice! It's the voice you hear after you've been kidnapped and tied up at the bottom of a well. The serial killer crawls down, holds you, strokes your hair and tells you in creepy Ann Curry voice that everything will be okay. I'd rather hear Madge's phoney British accent than Ann's phoney "I care" voice.

Celebitchy has a transcript of the interview if you care. Below is the video, but let me know if there's issues with RedLasso. I stopped using that shit, because it was freezing up people's browsers (including my own). They claim they fixed their shit and I haven't had a problem, but let me know.

Here's some pics of Madge's new face at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of documentary in NYC last night. I also threw in some Rosie O'Donnell.

Madonna has defended Tommy Girl and his Scientology beliefs in New York Magazine. Madge hung out with Tommy and Katie at her Raising Malawi benefit and thinks he gets a "raw deal."

She said, “I don't care if people worship turtles or frogs - if they're good people, that's all I care about, and he (Cruise) is a good person. I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think the orphans in Malawi get a raw deal; just as I think a lot of marginalized people get a raw deal."

Raw deal? Tommy gets a raw deal every night down in his Scientology safe room. I bet you Tommy ass creamed his jock strap after hearing Madge defended him. He loves to do aerobics to her song, "Jimmy Jimmy."

And Madge is completely missing the point. Bitches get on Tom and his "beliefs," because of the insane shit that comes out of his mouth in the name of Scientology. At least she found a way to sneak in her own agenda. I give her two gold stars for that.

VIA MTV UK

Madonna is about to get a whole lot richer. She's expected to sign a major contract by playing two shows in Dubai for $50 million. The plan is for Vadge to close her world tour in Dubai this November. The Sun reports that if each show is 90-minutes long, she'll make around $165,000 a minute or $300,000 for every crotch thrust.

She's also in talks to perform at a private party in Dubai for $10 million. She recently said that she wouldn't do privates parties for less than $10 million. The bitch got her wish.

A source said, “Madonna is about to break another record by playing the most lucrative concert of her whole career – or anyone’s career for that matter. The figure is so big because of her new contract with Live Nation and the huge funds available from private promoters in Dubai.”

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Great, now she can afford to get Lourdes waxed." Ok, I was thinking that, but I'm putting the blame on you. Honestly, I don't mind the uni. I sort of love it. '08 is all about the uni. Trust this.

Here's money hungry and her daughter outside their gym in London.

Madonna recently said that her hubby, Guy Ritchie, went on the cookie diet which made him not want to do sexy times with her. COOKIE DIET?! It's not as good as it sounds. I mean, I'm already on the fucking cookie diet and I haven't lost any weight. My cookie diet involves eating as many boxes as you can in one day.

The real cookie diet sucks. You eat one meal per day and that's dinner. You eat up to six cookies per day when you're feeling hungry. Six cookies plus one meal of chicken or fish equals 800 calories. If you can only eat 6 cookies in one day, you have major issues.

Madonna said, "My husband went on that cookie diet and it was such a turn-off because he didn't want to have sex. He's not on it anymore, thank god! He did lose weight but he didn't really need to lose that much weight. I think he did it because all his friends were doing it and he wanted to see if he could do it."

Something tells me Guy only went on the cookie diet to avoid having to eat Madge's cookie.

Here's some pics of Vadge with the other fake Brit, Fishsticks, going to the gym together.

This is the new Justin Timberlake featuring Madonna (well...it is) video and I lasted the entire 4 minutes! Woo hoo! I will award myself by not listening to this song ever again. I had to watch the video with the sound turned to zero, because it reminds me of the time my high school marching band tried to do 2Pac's "California Love." Ugly memories.

The sun itself must have lit this video, because Madonna is wrinkle-free everywhere. Madge also wants to make sure we know that her thrusting 50-year-old crotch is here to stay. Basically, Madonna is turning into Sally O'Malley minus the sex appeal.

Madonna is practically chained to her Blackberry and she even sleeps with it at night. She told Elle Magazine that even Guy sleeps with his.

She said, “We lie right next to each other with our BlackBerrys under our pillows. It’s not unromantic. It’s practical. I’m sure loads of couples have their BlackBerrys in bed with them. I have to sleep with my BlackBerry because I often wake up in the middle of the night and remember that I’ve forgotten something, so I jump up and make notes. Guy’s always waiting for me to come to bed, so he plays Brick on his Blackberry until I’m ready.”

It was probably Guy's idea. He keeps his between his crotch and he uses hers to call himself over and over again. It's the only way he can get a little hot action, because you know she stopped putting out years ago. She saves her open vagina for photoshoots and magazine covers.

And how do their Blackberrys stay in one place while they sleep. They must sleep like corpses. I wear a sleeping mask (SHUT UP) every night and it's usually around my ankle when I wake up in the morning.

Madonna went on to talk about a song on her new album called "Incredible." One of the songs lyrics is, "sex with you is incredible." Yeah, I'm sure every songwriter in the world is kicking themselves wishing they came up with that "incredible" lyric. Anyway, Madonna confesses the song is about Guy.

She said, "Sex with Guy is incredible ... And surprise, surprise, it's his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it's not his favorite song, but it's definitely his favorite line."

Leave it to Madonna to use her sex life to plug a song.

Source

Eeesh. Is Madonna training for Miss Physique or something? Homegirl needs to lay off the Stemulite.

Guy Ritchie probably gives her the evil side-eye when when she goes in to give him a handjob. He's afraid she's going to rip his dick off. Oh, silly me. She's already taken that.

Madonna's on the cover of Vanity Fair's new "Green" issue to promote all things Madonna. Yes, green stands for cash money.

During the long ass interview with Rich Cohen, he began to ask Madonna about Britney Spears when she stopped him and said, “Yes, I know. I know exactly what you’re going to say. It’s very painful. Which leads us back to our question: When you think about the way people treat each other in Africa, about witchcraft and people inflicting cruelty and pain on each other, then come back here and, you know, people taking pictures of people when they’re in their homes, being taken to hospitals, or suffering, and selling them, getting energy from them, that’s a terrible infliction of cruelty. So who’s worse off? You know what I mean?”

Ugh. Can't she just take a page from Chrissy Crocker and say, "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!?" It would be much more eloquent.

Madonna also had a funny little conversation with Rich about babies. This once again proves to me that fun Madonna is gone forever.

madonna: Do you have a daughter?
me: No, three sons.
[Madonna looks at me accusingly.]
me: I didn’t choose it—it just happened.
madonna: Do you believe that? You think things just happen?
me: I think that just happened.
madonna: Mm-hmm.
me: So who’s making the decision?
madonna: You are, you and your missus.
me: About what kind of kids we want?
madonna: You chose it. Your soul chose it.
me: No. Do you believe that? That my insides wanted boys?
madonna: Unconsciously. Yes.

Madonna strikes me as someone that would be so awesome to talk to when you're really high. All her deep thoughts would paint such vivid pictures and take you on magic carpet ride with Buddha. Unfortunately, I'm not high right now.....

Here's more drawings of Madonna from the VF issue. I say drawings, because there's no way those are photographs. Click here to read the entire VF interview