Pamela Anderson

And by "hassle," I mean don't even move him from Pammy's nipple, because what hides underneath is eye scarring. Yeah, we've all seen it a trillion times, but it still brings the night terrors.

Pammy's Tupperware chichis are so hacked up that it looks like Freddy Krueger was her plastic surgeon and he reconstructed her tit with a peanut M&M and a birthmark graft from her ass. She must have lost all sensitivity in those silicone laden feed bags because she damn near walked a city block before she realized her hooter was hanging out. Or maybe she just didn't care? The Peta whore cares for animals, but she should care for humans too and keep that mutant butt raisin on her titty to herself.

Here's the mother of the year making expensive clothes look like they came from the $1 for 1lb bin at the Salvation Army while walking in Vivienne Westwood's show in Paris yesterday. There's bare nipple in some of these pictures, so BEWARE. Wear your sunglasses and keep a cup of holy water close.

When you make the twatty bug-ridden whores of the Rock of Love Bang Bus look like pristine virgins, it's time to dip it in Hazmat-made bleach, lock it up and eat the key.

Pamela Anderson walked Richie Rich's fashion show in NYC last night and right after I looked at these pictures, an appointment card to the Free Clinic was slipped under my door. I'm sure you have one too waiting for you.

Yes, everybody loves an old whore for a quick second, but there comes a time when it's time to hang up your vag lips. This whore's legs look like a pot of badly stirred Cream of Wheat and a little sprinkle of sugar is not going to save the day!

And you know how Roseanne said Chris Brown should be castrated? Well, Pam is the one for the job. She just has to kiss the tip and goodbye peen! Seriously, Pam's face can be found in the back room of my nightmares!

This is some "Sally O'Malley" shit and not in a hot way.

I keep beating a dead whore again, but Pamela Anderson's FACE! This bitch obviously doesn't have any true friends in her life, because a real bitch would tell Pamela her face looks like it needs yellow police tape around it. That's real talk.

I really just want to call 911 so that the fire department can come and hose down her face of meth. The bitch who did Pam's make-up has bigger problems than she does. Her make-up job was definitely done by a crackhead with shaky hands who ran out of black eyeshadow, so used burnt-up charcoal ashes instead. This is a face don't!

Pamela, please seek help from the Agency for Toxic Substances so that they clean your shit up!

Here's Pammy at some car show in Las Vegas yesterday and later at LAX without pants on. I mean, what is the meaning of this? Pammy is making the toothless prostitutes from Hookers at the Point look like the direct descendants of the Empress of Lucite. This shit is ridiculous.

We get it. Pamela Anderson is allergic to wearing pants. I understand this. I even understand that she has to wear a coochie hugger during her act with that big gay magician fellow. But she should really check her shit before she exits her dressing room. I know that when I'm about to leave the house in a shiny leotard, I check to make sure my crotch area doesn't look like a stale triple-decker turkey sandwich. It usually does and that's why I never wear my shiny leotard in public anymore. Pammy should do the same. Or at least get one that doesn't smother her vagina. The thing has been through enough! We should really throw a telethon for that traumatized snatch.

Below is Pamela Anderson in Amsterdam with Hans Klok. You might be wondering where the scratch on her ass came from in the first thumbnail. It came from her dried up labia lips trying to scratch their way out of that leotard.

Or maybe a face only a meth pipe could love. Whatever Pamela Anderson is doing, she needs to do the fucking opposite. Looking like the bastard love child of Chucky Doll and the Toxic Avenger is not cute. You could easily slip this picture of Pammy on the Faces of Meth website. It would fit right in.

I know Pammy isn't knowing for being a fresh spring daisy, but it's really time for a joint makeover by Hazmat and the CDC. The bitch is 41! It's time for her to start wearing pants and maybe wash her face (with acid) every other day. She seriously gives my eyeballs the meth shakes.

Here's Pammy once again terrorizing Art Basel in Miami the other night.

While not-dressing for an Art Basel event in Miami last night, Pamela Anderson must have figured that she shouldn't even bother with pants. I mean, she usually has them off by the end of the night anyway, so why not just cut to the chase? She might have the right idea.

Pants really do just get in the way. Whenever you want a quick ass-to-mouth in the back alley way, you always have to worry about zipping down your pants and getting them off. Kills the mood. If you didn't have them on, you could just pull your chonies to the side and there you go! It's also easier to get finger banged through dinner without nosy bitches figuring out what's going on down there. There's many pluses to not wearing pants. Pammy might be a genius.

In all seriousness, I think her hungry, hungry coochie pet ate her pants in the car. Real talk.

Here's Pammy looking like a beat down lot lizard who just crawled out of the gutter last night. And I curse the photographer who took the first picture below. I can see the fields of Colombia when I look up her nose.

Pamela Anderson must really want a position in Obama's cabinet, because she wrote an open letter to him on her blog stating all the things she thinks he should make happen when he officially becomes president.

Pam wants him to order the castration of all child molesters and she also wants him to legalize marijuana. The last part is the greatest thought that has ever come out of Pamela Anderson's head. Ever.

She wrote: "I think we should Legalize Marijuana, tax and monitor -farm Hemp etc-this would make our borders less corrupt and then I think eventually this will be more secure option and save children in the long run – we should be able to farm Hemp in America- it’s just silly— it would create jobs- and be good for environment."

Is Courtney Love working part-time as Pamela Anderson's transcriber? Anyway, I agree with the legalize part, but disagree about the tax shit. It should be tax free. It's a medical necessity for some of us! I also agree that it will save the children from listening to their parents scream at them. Think about it. When your kid starts acting all annoying and loud, just give them a LEGAL joint. It will calm them down, they'll fall asleep and you won't have to yell at them. Everyone will walk away happy. Pam is a genius!

She forgot to add one thing to her list of things Obama should do as president: BAN PAMELA ANDERSON!!!

Matthew McConaughey is at the beach....and he's wearing a shit (typo, but it stays). How is this even possible? I would think that the sea breezes would blow that shirt right off of his body. And if that didn't happen, the seagulls would tear it off him. This shit just looks so unnatural and wrong.

If I saw a laughing MiserAlba riding on a flying Spaghetti Cat through a rainbow coming out of Tommy Girl's ass, I wouldn't even blink an eye. Now that I've seen McConaughey wearing a shirt at the beach, anything is possible.

Below is McConaughey proving the impossible at the beach with his dog friend. I also added some pictures of Pamela Anderson wearing her signature loony bin scrubs for all the dirty snatch lovers out there.

Pamela Anderson is off in England pimping out her boring ass reality show "Girl On The Loose" aka "Loosey Goosey" and she was asked how she feels about one of the UK's biggest famewhores Katie Price.

Pammy tells The Sun, "I have no idea how she became famous. She shows off her kids all the time in TV shows - that's beyond low. I’d never do that. Kids can’t make that decision at that age, can they?"

This is coming from a ho whose kids can open up their lap tops, type in a few words and see their mother and father doing gross shit on the internets. I'm going to side with Katie on this one. If she didn't whore out her kids on TV, we'd never see Harvey's precious face. That would be just wrong. I mean, we'd never have amazing and magical moments like this one (yes, I'm posting it again):

If you're going to touch Pamela Anderson, you should wear this shit. Pamela was escorted to the Vivienne Westwood show in London yesterday by a dude who made sure he was fully protected from her contagious skankness. While other hos caught syphilis every time Pammy sneezed, this dude sat there, laughing at them, because he covered all his bases. Wait. Or maybe that's just Jacko without his mask on. Hmmm.....

And when is Pammy going to visit Stanley Steemer for a good cleaning? She has a face only a cum facial could love. She needs a good scrubbing! She also needs to treat her plastic chichi sacks better. Those things look like they're screaming in pain. Triage tittays!