Pamela Anderson

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

99.9999% of the meth-faced lot lizards on Cops look fresher and sexier than Pamela Anderson, so what more is there to say? The only way she would look better is if she had a giant F- from the Environmental Health Department stamped on her forehead. Oh, wait. I'm supposed to say something nice. Okay...um...

Well, Pamela's face reminds me of the time I got really boozed up at Christmas on some rancid egg nog. I ended up passing out face first in a puddle of my own vom on the bathroom floor. When I woke up a few hours later with a face covered in egg nog barf, I looked into the mirror and all I could do was laugh to keep from crying. It really was the best Christmas ever, so thanks to Pam for bringing that beautiful memory back. See, that's nice!

Here's a rotten piece of salmon at the opening of a stripper/steakhouse in NYC last night. Yup, she really showed up.

File this under: The crackpipe calling the hep stick WHITE TRASH. That made no sense, but just take a bong hit and roll with it. My one brain cell is on Saturday mode.

So, Courtney Love took a break from barfing up all her whippit-infused schizo thoughts on Twitter, to talk to Page Six about the current state of Pamela Anderson. CLove said, "Pam Anderson doesn't even have a credit card. And she lives in Paradise Cove -- which is in Malibu, but it's a trailer park in Malibu."

Doesn't Courtney Love have a credit score of like negative infinity, because "mysterious thieves" (aka her nostrils) ransacked Kurt Cobain's estate and stole millions upon millions of dollars? Court can't even get one of those fake credit cards they send you in junk mail. And if she did, you know that crazy would try to use it! CLove needs to stop! You know that bitch is temporarily living in the septic tank under the toilet in Pamela's Malibu trailer. Stop putting on airs!

Peta's main hooker, Pamela Anderson, has been booked to bring her skankness to the opening of a strip club in NYC. A strip club that is also a steakhouse. A steakhouse serves meat. Meat comes from slaughtered cows. Pamela claims to get sad in the face when a cow gets it. Oh well, IN THIS ECONOMY, a bitch has got to do what a bitch has got to do to make money to buy her UGGS...which are made out of sheepskin. Pamela puts the HO in phony.

Peta quickly issued a statement to TMZ defending their biggest prosty:

"Pam is not a host but may be attending as an invited guest, and since steakhouses nowadays have some of the best salad bars and veggie options around, we're sure she'll find plenty to eat should she attend."

Oh, Peta. Don't shove a big piece of tofu in my mouth and call it juicy steak. It doesn't really bother me that Pam is whoring herself out at meat market, but I don't know if it's a match. I mean, do they really want their steakhouse associated with a giant chunk of rotten beef? Pam is not USDA-approved.

I know I'm gayer than one of Adam Lambert's dingles, but do dudes really like their pussy with a side of juicy beef. I like surf and turf, but not like this! I guess when you order medium rare beef curtains you have to be specific!

And how long do you think it will take until Heather Mills becomes a featured entertainer at this joint?

And by "hassle," I mean don't even move him from Pammy's nipple, because what hides underneath is eye scarring. Yeah, we've all seen it a trillion times, but it still brings the night terrors.

Pammy's Tupperware chichis are so hacked up that it looks like Freddy Krueger was her plastic surgeon and he reconstructed her tit with a peanut M&M and a birthmark graft from her ass. She must have lost all sensitivity in those silicone laden feed bags because she damn near walked a city block before she realized her hooter was hanging out. Or maybe she just didn't care? The Peta whore cares for animals, but she should care for humans too and keep that mutant butt raisin on her titty to herself.

Here's the mother of the year making expensive clothes look like they came from the $1 for 1lb bin at the Salvation Army while walking in Vivienne Westwood's show in Paris yesterday. There's bare nipple in some of these pictures, so BEWARE. Wear your sunglasses and keep a cup of holy water close.

When you make the twatty bug-ridden whores of the Rock of Love Bang Bus look like pristine virgins, it's time to dip it in Hazmat-made bleach, lock it up and eat the key.

Pamela Anderson walked Richie Rich's fashion show in NYC last night and right after I looked at these pictures, an appointment card to the Free Clinic was slipped under my door. I'm sure you have one too waiting for you.

Yes, everybody loves an old whore for a quick second, but there comes a time when it's time to hang up your vag lips. This whore's legs look like a pot of badly stirred Cream of Wheat and a little sprinkle of sugar is not going to save the day!

And you know how Roseanne said Chris Brown should be castrated? Well, Pam is the one for the job. She just has to kiss the tip and goodbye peen! Seriously, Pam's face can be found in the back room of my nightmares!

This is some "Sally O'Malley" shit and not in a hot way.

I keep beating a dead whore again, but Pamela Anderson's FACE! This bitch obviously doesn't have any true friends in her life, because a real bitch would tell Pamela her face looks like it needs yellow police tape around it. That's real talk.

I really just want to call 911 so that the fire department can come and hose down her face of meth. The bitch who did Pam's make-up has bigger problems than she does. Her make-up job was definitely done by a crackhead with shaky hands who ran out of black eyeshadow, so used burnt-up charcoal ashes instead. This is a face don't!

Pamela, please seek help from the Agency for Toxic Substances so that they clean your shit up!

Here's Pammy at some car show in Las Vegas yesterday and later at LAX without pants on. I mean, what is the meaning of this? Pammy is making the toothless prostitutes from Hookers at the Point look like the direct descendants of the Empress of Lucite. This shit is ridiculous.

We get it. Pamela Anderson is allergic to wearing pants. I understand this. I even understand that she has to wear a coochie hugger during her act with that big gay magician fellow. But she should really check her shit before she exits her dressing room. I know that when I'm about to leave the house in a shiny leotard, I check to make sure my crotch area doesn't look like a stale triple-decker turkey sandwich. It usually does and that's why I never wear my shiny leotard in public anymore. Pammy should do the same. Or at least get one that doesn't smother her vagina. The thing has been through enough! We should really throw a telethon for that traumatized snatch.

Below is Pamela Anderson in Amsterdam with Hans Klok. You might be wondering where the scratch on her ass came from in the first thumbnail. It came from her dried up labia lips trying to scratch their way out of that leotard.

Or maybe a face only a meth pipe could love. Whatever Pamela Anderson is doing, she needs to do the fucking opposite. Looking like the bastard love child of Chucky Doll and the Toxic Avenger is not cute. You could easily slip this picture of Pammy on the Faces of Meth website. It would fit right in.

I know Pammy isn't knowing for being a fresh spring daisy, but it's really time for a joint makeover by Hazmat and the CDC. The bitch is 41! It's time for her to start wearing pants and maybe wash her face (with acid) every other day. She seriously gives my eyeballs the meth shakes.

Here's Pammy once again terrorizing Art Basel in Miami the other night.

While not-dressing for an Art Basel event in Miami last night, Pamela Anderson must have figured that she shouldn't even bother with pants. I mean, she usually has them off by the end of the night anyway, so why not just cut to the chase? She might have the right idea.

Pants really do just get in the way. Whenever you want a quick ass-to-mouth in the back alley way, you always have to worry about zipping down your pants and getting them off. Kills the mood. If you didn't have them on, you could just pull your chonies to the side and there you go! It's also easier to get finger banged through dinner without nosy bitches figuring out what's going on down there. There's many pluses to not wearing pants. Pammy might be a genius.

In all seriousness, I think her hungry, hungry coochie pet ate her pants in the car. Real talk.

Here's Pammy looking like a beat down lot lizard who just crawled out of the gutter last night. And I curse the photographer who took the first picture below. I can see the fields of Colombia when I look up her nose.