Michael Jackson

It's Friday the 13th which means your ass better stay away from the evil today. Wait, that includes this blog. I mean, stay away from dark-sidedness. Ugh. That also includes this shit. Okay, just don't cross a Jacko, an Olsen, a CHERYL BURKE, a Katherine Heigl, an UGG, a CROC or a Vadge and you should be safe. Better yet, don't even look at these pictures of Jacko trying to keep his nose in check while leaving a medical center in Beverly Hills yesterday.

You must resist the urge to slather your monitor in cocoa butter in hopes that Jacko's crocoskin will soak some of that shit up. Seriously, it's not normal that you could use his hands to sand the fuck out of a splintered wooden table. I hope he doubles up on the gloves when he holds the children.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! If you liberally cleanse your insides with the nectar of the gods (aka vodka) today, everything will be alright!

Hold on to your boys, London, because the sexiest white lady in the game (sorry Brit Brit) is going to take your town by storm! Lady Jacko fluffed up his Valentine by Raquel Welch wig, made sure his nose was on straight and sashayed up to the podium to announce the start of his This Is It concert at the O2 arena in London. Jacko will begin performances on July 9th. 10 shows will go on sale March 13th, but more may be added depending on how that shit sells. Jacko announced it would be his last concerts in London.

If I got a shot of Jesus Juice every time Jacko said "this is it" to his plastic surgeon, I'd be touching myself day and night.

I really don't know if Jacko's nose can take all that grinding and thrusting! Jacko better have an official nose replacer waiting in the wings at all times just in case. And since when did Jacko's chin have the butt of a 7-year-old boy on it. Has it always looked like that?

Jacko really doesn't get the recognition he deserves as one of the world's greatest fashion icons. One day he'll dress up like a Bollywood Zorro and another day he'll roll around in a "Sarah Palin as a gothic beekeeper" outfit. The latter is the look he went for yesterday as he visited some kind of medical center in Beverly Hills. He was there to get his nose dipped, polished and rotated.

As he left the joint, he signed a few autographs before getting into his SUV and holding a back of chips. I don't think he eats the chips. He takes them out one by one, stares at them and that's how he gets full. I mean, he can't put them in his mouth. He's wearing a mask!

Speaking of, I'm going to start wearing a mask around the city. The other day I sneezed out some shit that looks like it came out of Parasite Hilton's ass. It was all hard on the outside and gooey on the inside (I pinched it). It was like a piece of Freshen Up. Well, if they made an ass smegma flavor. I just know all the nasty shit floating in the air was to blame. Or maybe my own body created it from all the build-up. In that case, I still should voluntarily wear a mask before the CDC makes it mandatory for me.

"Yooz a liar!" is what Jacko's spokeswhore is shouting at the bitches who started the rumors that he was mute, blind and on death's door. Ian Halperin, an author working on a Jacko biography, claimed Jackso was suffering from from Alpha 1-antitrypsin deficiency and needed a lung transplant.

Jacko's official rep told People that the story is a "total fabrication" and "Mr. Jackson is in fine health and finalizing negotiations with a major entertainment company and television network for both a world tour and a series of specials and appearances." This makes sense since tranny zombies don't need lungs to breathe.

The best part is that Jacko's "official spokesperson" goes by the name of Dr. Tohme Tohme. HA! Is he related to Dr. Bombay from Bewitched? Or maybe he's one of Jambi the Genie's shady ass cousins. I swear, Jacko always surrounds himself with hos who have the best names. I mean, Blanket, Bubbles, Majestik Magnificent, Louie the Llama and now Dr. Tohme Tohme.

By the by, Dr. Tohme Tohme probably lives in a fortune teller booth at Disnelyland, because he is not for real. Google him, you dumbfuck! You won't find shit.

So you can breath a sigh of relief that Jacko is able to breath a sigh of relief.

We already know he's a little sick in the head (aren't we all), but author Ian Halperin also claims Jacko is sick in the body and may be going blind! Escandalo with an exclamation point!

Ian, who just finished writing a tell-all about Jacko, told InTouch (via Fox News) that Jacko is suffering from a possibly fatal lung disease called Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency. Ian also says Jacko has emphysema and gastrointestinal bleeding. Woe is Jacko! He's already suffering from an awful disorder called TurningIntoTeriHatcher-itis.

According to Ian, Jacko is pretty much blind in one eye and can barely speak words. Ian went on to say, “He needs a lung transplant but may be too weak to go through with it … [But] it’s the [gastrointestinal] bleeding that is the most problematic part. It could kill him.”

So let's just recap all that. Jacko can't breathe, can't speak, is going blind and is turning transparent! This is probably just an excuse for him to get breast implants to "help him breathe," get collagen in his lips to "help him speak again" and get blue eyes installed so "he can see again." It's the final steps in finally becoming the beautiful white woman of his dreams!

In all seriousness, if this shit is true, then this might be the reason he wears all those fancy masks. I thought it was to keep his silly puddy nose from falling off.

Jacko's fight is strong and funky and, so I'm sure he'll pull through all this shit....if it is true.

Billie Jean is not my lover, she's just a crazy bitch! Remember this insane ho? She was arrested for trespassing on Jacko's property a little while ago. and claimed she was his wife. Well, Billie Jean Jackson is still riding high on the cuckoo train and she's filed a lawsuit against Jacko claiming she's Blanket's real mom. In court documents that could have been written by Christopher Guest, Billie Jean states she wants joint custody of Blanket with visits on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She can't chill with Blanket on Monday through Thursday, because she's usually tied up....in a straitjacket.

In addition to custody of Blanket, Billie Jean wants $1 billion in support. HA! I love this crazy-brained lunatic! Billie Jean says she filed the complaint because her husband kept having her arrested when she tried to visit Blanket. Billie even lists his name as Blanket even though his birth name is Prince Michael Jackson II.

Jacko has never publicly said who Blanket's mommy is. I wouldn't be shocked to learn that Blanket is somehow related to Nicole Kidman's precious pillow baby.

Blanket has to be my favorite name ever. Period. I hope he runs for president when he grows up, because President Blanket has a nice ring to it.

And don't you think it would be kind of fun to have Billie Jean Jackson's brand of crazy? You can stroll into a court place and sue a bitch for $1 billion without cracking a laugh or screaming SYKE! Her brains are definitely made of squirrel poo, because she actually thinks Jacko has a billion dollars.

I hope this shit goes to trial and I hope they make a reality show out of it. Billie Jean Jackson's insanity needs its own TV show!

Source: Extra

I'm not making a dumb joke (surprisingly). It really did come early!

Jacko and his kids went trick-or-treating in Hollywood last night. That's what they paps claim anyway. They probably celebrate two days early, because the actual day is amateur night to zombies and other ghouls.

I'm really not sure what everyone's costume is, because they pretty much look like this every time they go out. Jacko could have at least dropped a few more coins for better masks. You can get that shit at Walgreens. And honestly, he should be the one wearing the mask instead of his kids.

Pour me a cup of piping hot Jesus Juice, Jacko is out of his oxygen tank and ready to party! Teri Hatcher's sexy twin invaded Phoebe Price Blvd. (aka Robertson Blvd.) yesterday for a little antique furniture shopping. There's a reason why the most beautifulest white lady in pop music wears a mask all the time. I think it's because the mask keeps his clip-on nose from falling off. I don't even think if we can technically call it a "nose" anymore. Do you think he takes it off before he goes to bed every night and soaks it in a cup of Fixodent to keep it looking gleaming white?

That wig isn't a wig anymore. He's worn it so long that it's grown roots and taken up permanent residence on his head. That's why Ty Ty rotates her wigs.

Somebody's dreams will come true tomorrow when they win Jacko's size-28 Calvin Klein panties in an eBay auction. The reserve price is $1 million. For that kind of money, Jacko's panty pudding better have bits of diamonds in it. Ugh. Forget I wrote that. It has bits of something, but it ain't diamonds.

The dirty panties in question were part of Jacko's 2003 child molestation case. The DA took a DNA sample from them. The panties eventually found themselves in the hands of a NJ business man (shudder). He got a hold of them in a bankruptcy case. Jacko's undies come sealed in an evidence bag with police tape wrapped around it.

Other shit being auctioned include a handwritten note from Jacko to Lisa Marie Presley explaining why he wants an annulment and a half-used tube of skin bleaching cream.

Whoever buys Jacko's panty-pudding stained undies better automatically receive a surprise visit from Chris Hansen. What the hell do you do with Jacko's Jesus-juice-stained underoos anyway? Actually, I don't even want to know. Even my mind doesn't go to those kind of places. Okay, it does, but I'm not sharing.

Pamela Anderson and Jacko are dating. You're probably not ready the rest of this, because you just sprayed your Diet Rite all over the monitor. For those of you that are still with me, let's go on.

Yes, the Daily Mirror claims Pammy and Jacko have always been big fans of each other. So they got their people to set something up. The date took place at the Ice Bar in Hell. No, it took place at Shutters in Santa Monica. The source said they had a few drinks at the bar together. They serve Jesus Juice at Shutters?

A witness who obviously didn't take their medication that morning said Pam and Jacko talked about their love of plastic surgery. Ha. The witness went on to say, "They were very chatty. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off."

Jacko and Pammy even went out a second time. Another source said they had coffee in Malibu where they talked about their kids.

Methinks these "sources" need to ask their doctor to change the dose on their medication. If Pammy and Jacko went on a date, we would know for sure, because the world would end. The day they touch lips is the day we all disappear in a cloud of smoke.

I mean, maybe these "sources" saw Cher and Alexis Arquette on a date? Now that's a believable couple!