Michael Jackson's Memorial is expected to begin within a few minutes, so you might as well grab the Fritos, the Kleenex and stop working. If your boss gives you lip, just call 911 and they will immediately be arrested for trying to keep you from watching this important intergalactic event. Livestream above.
Michael Jackson's family is currently making their way to Forest Lawn for his private service and every network is following their every move. After that, the family and Michael Jackson's body will make their way to the Staples Center for the memorial of all memorials (complete with elephants). TMZ says that the Swat Team will escort Michael's coffin to his memorial. I'm guessing that they will also escort Michael back to Forest Lawn to be buried later today.
Over 1 billion people are expected to watch the memorial on TV or the internets. MSNBC, CNN and TMZ all have a livestream. I think all of our brains have a livestream too, so if you close your eyes you can watch too.
The internet is really going to break today. It really is. It's been real. Then all of our TVs are going to blow up. Then the earth will crack in two. We'll all fall off and float through the galaxy for the rest of eternity.
Larry King and CNN thinks they have solved the greatest mystery of the century (next to "What is under Kim Zolciak's road kill wig?")! Last night, CNN devoted an entire segment to explaining the ghost of Michael Jackson at Neverland. They claim it was just the shadow of some crew member walking by a light. NO! CNN has to do better than that. How do they explain the spooooky music? Music like that only plays when there's a ghost around. Maybe it was the shadow of Michael Jackson's ghost? Ghosts have shadows (just drink the Kool Aid and go with me)!
Personally, I think CNN should investigate further. They should send Miko Brando back to Neverland to find out the real truth! Seriously, Miko Brando needs to be on TV full-time. There aren't enough hot pieces in Hawaiian shirts on TV.
The truth is, the ghost was probably just Scrappy Doo sitting on Scooby Doo's shoulders again. You know how those to play.
Tomorrow morning, the Staples Center in Los Angeles will be filled with thousands of people for Michael Jackson's memorial, but his bestest friend Elizabeth Taylor won't be there. Liz Twittered this afternoon that she didn't want to be a part of it. I loved that she used the word "whoopla." And I bet she says it the same way she says maaaaariage.
You know, it makes sense that Liz isn't going to show up. I think the memorial is more for the fans. It's bordering on a "public whoopla," but we'll see tomorrow. However, if there's a red carpet and Giuliana DePandasAss from E! is asking all the celebwhores who they are wearing, I'm throwing my TV out the window and sending Joe Jackson the bill!
The memorial will be televised on most major networks at 10am Pacific. So far, the list of performers and speakers include: Usher, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, John Mayer, Rev. Al Sharpton, Shaheen Jafargholi (from Britain's Got Talent), Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Brooke Shields.
The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it's obviously some potent shit! It's got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.
The dude who owns the tree said Michael's image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, "Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they're both about even."
Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.
Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you're raising your hand, then I'm guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don't see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don't see MJ.
The Ghost Hunters better stand by, because their assistance might be needed. Larry King's (who might be a ghost himself) TV crew was inside Neverland Ranch the other day when one of the cameras picked up something gliding (moonwalking, perhaps?) in front of a doorway. It could just be a shadow, a reflection or Joe Jackson looking for anything he could put on Ebay. It could also be the actual ghost of Michael Jackson! Ooooo Oooooo Ooooo.... I'll go with the latter, because the annoying "Scooby Doo" music tells me to.
VIA E! Online
Last night, Vadge opened the latest leg of her "Sticky & Sweet" tour at London's O2 Arena. This is the same joint where Michael Jackson was supposed to play a bunch of shows. Vadge honored MJ with a small tribute during her show.
In the tribute, one of her dancers dressed up as Michael Jackson and danced around while Vadge posed in the background. At the end, Vadge broke out her British ringmaster voice when she said, "Let's give it to one of the greatest entertainers the world has ever knooooown!"
I'll admit that when I heard Vadge was going to pay tribute to MJ in some way, I did get a little tingly. I thought Vadge would recreate her amazing performance of "Billie Jean" complete with her gorgeous 80s slutty wedding dress and dancers in white denim vests. Now THIS is a tribute:
AEG, the promoters for Michael Jackson's show in London, have released this 1-minute rehearsal that was taken just two days before his death. In the video, MJ is doing his thing to the song "They Don't Care About Us" in full costume and with fans. FANS! It's not a Michael Jackson performance unless there's WIND involved. A lot of it.
Also, there's more details on Michael's memorial and funeral. E! says he will be buried at Forest Lawn in the Hollywood Hills. The Jackson family says that there were never plans for a public viewing despite reports.
A public memorial will be held at the Staples Center this Tuesday at 10 in the morning. They still don't know if the memorial will be broadcasted on TV or the internet.
You know people are camping out right now! In fact, they should just close L.A. down completely, because it's going to be chaos upon chaos. My mom said that she's going to be sitting in traffic until September. I don't know how that's different from any other day, but okay....
Debbie is binding down her titties down, putting on her gloves is ready to fight a bitch for the custody of Prince Michael and Paris. Or as Debbie probably calls them: "Checking and Savings Account." Let's be really real.
According to NBCLA, Debbie told them in a 90-minute telephone interview that she wants "her children." Debbie said she's willing to do whatever it takes including submitting to a DNA test. Debbie also wants to get a restraining order against Joe Jackson to keep him away from the kids.
In Michael Jackson's will, he named his mama je'e' as his children's legal guardian. Diana Ross was named as a back-up. Michael also clearly stated that he didn't want to leave Debbie Rowe a cent.
Maybe I'm being overly harsh (proof that the world is still spinning), but Debbie already cashed that check a while ago. I would understand if she just wanted to take them to Chuck E. Cheese every now and again to get know them better. Really, I don't know what to think. It's a shitty situation all around. On one hand, Debbie is crazy. On the other hand, Joe Jackson is crazy too. Sending the kids to Florida to be raised by Bubbles is looking like the best option.....
On Mah Boo 360 last night, Andy sent a reporter to Florida for an *EXCLUSIVE* interview with the legendary Bubbles. Bubbles is now retired from the showbiz life and his caretaker says he spends his time listening to soothing flute music and playing with his lovah Sam. Bubbles does all of this while being completely nekkid! I guess that's how most of us are going to spend our later years: in a cage, naked and nibbling on half-bananas.
You know Bubbles got the sads in his heart, because he wanted Mah Boo to feed him a cucumber and not some other dude. You and me both, Bubbles. You and me both. My Slap Chop has been waiting for Mah Boo's cucumber for YEARS.