Michael Jackson

The media is continuing its search for the biological mother and/or father of all of Michael Jackson's children. Yeah, I thought the mystery was solved when Claire Cruise came forward claiming to be their mother. But apparently, The Mirror didn't get the memo, because they say Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother is a Mexican nurse named Helena and they say the egg donor was an unknown woman who was paid $3,500. Um. That "unknown woman's" real fake name is CLAIRE CRUISE. Get it right!

According to their asses, this Helena woman was paid $20,000 to carry Blanket. The sperm came from Michael and again, the egg from an unknown donor. Some source added, “He chose Helena because she had a latino background but she was also a US citizen and had quite fair skin. She was around 5ft 4ins, slim, aged around 30 and had long, dark, straight hair. He said she was strait-laced, almost a girl next door type. There were no dramas with her. She knew what she had to do and got on with it.”

Here's a video of Claire denouncing The Mirror for not acknowledging her. Okay, the video is actually of her proposing marriage to Leonardo DiCaprio, but since she effed up the sound it can be whatever you want. Shit, pretend she's announcing to the world that she's the mother of all of us! Don't forget to get her a gift next Mother's Day!

Claire Cruise, the bag of roasted peanuts who claims she is the biological mother of all three of Michael Jackson's kiddies, held a press conference outside of her mental hospital cell the courthouse today and she dropped another BOMB. FUCKING. SHELL. Claire says she and Michael Jackson are the biological parents of Connor Cruise, Tommy Girl's son with Nicole Kidman. Escandalo! Somewhere in the world, Nicole Kidman's forehead moved for the first time in YEARS after she heard about this fuckery.

Yeah, I know we shouldn't even be feeding the crazy, but it's Monday and we all need to be entertained! So... TMZ was there when Claire told a group of interns reporters that Michael Jackson gave Tom Cruise the baby, because "he didn't like the color of his skin." Claire continued to confirm that she is from another planet by saying even though she conceived of all Michael's kids, she didn't give birth to them. Thanks to state-of-the-art technology, all of the embryos were removed from her crazy body and inserted into a surrogate.

Claire took the blue pill, didn't she? Bitch is BEYOND. Who needs to drop acid? Just spend a little time with Claire and she'll take you to another dimension.

I can't wait to see who else she drags into her crazy world. I mean, don't be surprised if she declares that Kate Gosselin's possum head is her biological child with ALF. Claire Cruise is the baby mama to the stars (in her head)!

P.S. - Dollhouse Dude, where art thou?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Above is a screen shot of Claire Elisabeth Fields Cruise's Facebook page. Claire was filed three guardianship petitions in L.A. for all three of Michael Jackson's kids. Claire says SHE IS THE MOTHER. TMZ says that Claire is also queefing that she's married to Michael Jackson, but currently engaged to Blanket's biological father. And the lunatic frosting on the crazy cake is that Claire also swears she's the baby mama of one of Tommy Girl's kids.

I really don't need to comment on any of this since Claire's dog's face in the picture above is saying everything I need to say and more. That is the look of a dog who spends his afternoons sniffing the floor for Valium pills and trying to escape by flushing himself down the toilet. I fully co-sign and notarize his "Y ME" look.

And does Claire really want to rumble with a big ass butchie in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt? Claire will be farting out Timberlands for months.

In other "Maury Should Get On This" news, Mark Lester (the dude from the Oliver! movie) is apparently saying that he never claimed to be Paris Jackson's biological father. Over the weekend, the esteemed journals of truths known as The News of the World ran an interview with Mark where he allegedly said he believed the jizz he donated to Michael was used to make Paris. A source close to the Jackson family told People, "They twisted his words around. He's not claiming to be the father of Paris Jackson." They OLIVER TWISTED him! I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

The roach motel door is open and here they come trying to get a piece! Mark Lester, the ho who played the title role in the Oliver! movie, has tap danced over to the News of the World and told them that he believes he is Paris Jackson's biological father. Maury, please get the dustpan and deal with these SCRAGS BITCHES!

Mark Lester has been a friend of Michael Jackson's for years and is even his children's godfather. Mark says that Michael complained about not being able to do sexy times with anyone, because he was too scared. Michael apparently told Mark that he wanted to have children, but didn't think he could do it the natural way. That's when Mark offered up his jizz in a bottle and Michael took him up on the offer. About two years later, Debbie Rowe gave birth to Paris. Mark said Michael never told him who Paris' biological father is. As Paris grew up, Mark slowly started to believe that they were related by blood, because she looks just like his now 15-year-old daughter Harriet.

Mark said, "Paris is very pale, with blue eyes. All my daughters, apart from my eldest, are fair with blue eyes. So many people have commented on how alike Harriet and Paris look. Our families often holidayed together and staff, especially nannies, watching the children play together would say how similar the two girls looked."

The last time Mark saw Michael was in London this past March. Mark also spoke to Paris at Michael's memorial in Los Angeles and he said he feels a bond with her. Mark wants some cold hard cash to know the truth, so he's willing to undergo a paternity test. Mark has tried to call Katherine Jackson, but she won't return his calls. The only thing he really wants is to be in those kids' lives. Mark ended with, "I feel it's important. I love those kids so much. We've had great times together. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing speaking out. But I'm not trying to make any claim on anything. Even if it's proven Paris is biologically mine I wouldn't see her as anything other than Michael's daughter. He raised her."

Below is a side-by-side of Paris and Mark's daughter Harriet when she was 11. Personally, I don't see it AT ALL, but I also don't have sparkly dollar signs blinding my vision.

And La Toya, you know what you need to do, girl. Put on your deerstalker cap, get out your magnifying glass and drag your Bloodhound to London, because you need to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

Debbie Rowe's three magical wolves of protection can have a little fun (wink wink) and take a long Calgon bath, because they won't have to go into battle against Katherine Jackson anytime soon. Katherine's lawyer went on CBS' Early Show (via E!) this morning and said that a custody deal has been reached. Per Michael's wishes, Katherine will get full custody of Paris and Prince Michael. Debbie co-signed that as long as she gets to visit. Oh and she also wants a psychiatrist brought in to meet with the kids. I think the middle wolf came up with that idea. He's the smartest one.

TMZ says that DebRo didn't (WARNING: Hold on to something sturdy and throw a mattress on the floor) didn't want any more money. The only two things she asked for was visitation rights and for the kids to hang out with a child psychologist to help them deal with all the changes in their lives.

When the Early Show asked Katherine's lawyer about reports that the villainous puppet master known as Joe Jackson wasn't going to help "raise" the kids, he said, "I don't think it's valid at all. I think Joe Jackson is the husband of Mrs. Jackson, but he's not living in Los Angeles."

Translation: Katherine keeps a wreath made out of garlic on her front door to ward Joe Jackson off.

Over a week ago, there was a rumor going around that a 25-year-old Norweigan performer who goes by the name of Omer Bhatti was Michael Jackson's secret lovechild. The story goes that Michael and Omer's mother Pia had an affair. According to The Mirror, Omer denied away and said that he is not related to the Jacksons at all. Omer, who knew Michael for 13 years and even lived at Neverland for a while, said that they were best friends, but that his true father lives in Norway. Enter Joe Jackson.......

In an interview with NewsOne, Joe Jackson tucked his devil tail in, put his pitchfork underneath the table and said that Michael Jackson IS THE FATHER. Joe said that he always knew Omer as Michael's own son. Joe went on to say that Omer looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson and can dance like a Jackson. But what Joe really wants to know is if Omer can make money like a Jackson? I think The Jackson 3 just became The Jackson 4! Joe's waving his pimp hand around Omer's head! If you look directly into Joe's eyes and don't turn to stone, you'll see little glittery dollar signs forming in his pupils. Or maybe they're just shiny from the ludes.

The L.A. coroner's official toxicology report on Michael Jackson is due any day now and it may be what investigators need to charge his personal doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, with manslaughter. Dr. Murray has been the focus of a manslaughter investigation, because investigators believe that he's the one who gave Michael Jackson the deadly dose of Propofol. The police believe this, because apparently, Dr. Dumb Fuck admitted it two days after Michael's death. That's what TMZ claims anyway.

An LAPD source told them that Dr. Murray regularly gave Michael Propofol to help him sleep. And I thought I was hardcore by taking a Tylenol PM with a shot of whiskey to help me go off to dreamland.

The day Michael died, Dr. Murray gave him an IV drip of the powerful anesthesia. Dr. Murray did it without monitoring Michael by an EKG which apparently is a huge no-no in the medical community. The police source went on to say that they believe Dr. Murray even took a little nap while administering the drug. When he woke up, Michael was already dead from heart failure.

LAWD! Did Dr. Murray buy his license from the internet? I bet he graduated first in his class from Dr. Sandeep Kapoor's School of Medicine.

Dude is fucked. Hopefully.

Michael Jackson named his 80-year-old mother, Katherine, official guardian of his kids, but they still have to go through a bunch of court shit before she permanently gets granted custody. TMZ says that even if she gets custody, the eldest Jackson, Rebbie, will primarily raise Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket. Apparently, the entire family (Joe doesn't count, because he's currently vacationing on another planet) agrees that Rebbie should be the one.

Rebbie (who has had 59 birthdays) has been living in Las Vegas with her husband of 20 years, but temporarily moved her life to Encino after Michael's death so that she could help her mother care for the kids.

And this is what we call "making a whole lot of fucking sense." Rebbie doesn't seem like a Crazy McCrazy to me and I'm pretty sure she won't push those kids out on the ho stroll. AND anybody who is responsible for the masterpiece below is capable of absolutely ANYTHING!

If Rebbie asked me for the key to my entire life, I'd ask to see her resume and credentials first. She'd show me the video for "Centipede" and without even flinching once, I'd say, "DONE!"

It's time for the latest episode of Murder She Wrote with special guest star La Toya Jackson! But I have a feeling Angela Lansbury does not want to be a part of this.

La Toya thinks her brother was murdered by his "shadowy entourage" and went off to tell the Daily Mail all about it. Sigh. La Toya should be volunteering her investigative skills (!!!!) to the L.A.P.D. and not talking to the press.

La Toya thinks that the evil doers believed that Michael was worth more money dead than alive, so they got him hooked on the bad shit. La Toya said, "I believe Michael was murdered. I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people. He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that. People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side. They got him hooked on drugs. He was pure and clean and then drugs came back into his system. I think it shocked his system so much it killed him. He had needle marks on his neck and on his arms and more about those will emerge in the next few weeks. I cannot discuss that any further as I may jeopardize the investigation. I can, however, say that I have not changed my mind about my feeling that Michael was murdered. It will all come out. You will be shocked."

LaToya says that there was no way Michael would have been able to perform 50 concerts in London. Michael was too weak and fragile, but the evil doers in his life were making him do it. Whenever his family would call, they would not tell him. They would do anything they could to keep his family away.

As for Michael's kids, La Toya is ready to knife fight Debbie Rowe (with cameras rolling, of course) to make sure Katherine Jackson gets custody. La Toya went on, "These are not Debbie’s kids. They don’t even know she’s their mother. Like everyone else in his life, she was motivated by money. She has always said she’s not their mother. My understanding is that she will now go after the kids. I know a few things about Debbie, and I will prevent that from happening."

Herm. I wonder what dirt La Toya has on Debbie? Debbie totally tried to tickle La Toya's pussy puff one night, right? La Toya is saving that drop of Clamato for her next tell-all.

According to La Toya, Blanket is not related to Michael at all, "They took eggs from a donor and I believe the sperm came from one of five donors picked from a book. Michael didn’t know who the mother and father were. I don’t know who carried the child and if the surrogate knew whose child she was carrying."

La Toya ended the interview by saying that her family will file civil lawsuits against anybody who supplied her brother with drugs, "I am going to get down to the bottom of this. I am not going to stop until I find out who is responsible. Why did they keep the family away? It’s not about money. I want justice for Michael. I won’t rest until I find out what -- and who -- killed my brother."

Why do I have a sinking feeling (it could be the Mexican dick I had last night) that Vh1 is thisclose to announcing their newest reality show: The La Toya Ladies Detective Agency.

It's still hard for me to fully hate on La Toya, because she has blessed the world with sparkly gems like this:

A little while ago, I made a dumb joke about how Joe Jackson was going to turn Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket into The Jackson 3. Well, don't be surprised if you see them flaunting their jazz hands and pirouettes for dollars at the 3rd Street Promenade, because Joe might have plans for them!

In an interview with Good Morning America (via UsWeekly), Joe said, "I keep watching Paris, She wants to do something." As for Blanket, Joe said the boy has got the moves, "That's what they're saying. He can really dance."

Joe didn't mention Prince Michael's talents, so I guess this means that he's the LaToya?. Don't worry, Prince Michael, the LaToya in the family has the most fun.

Katherine Jackson currently has custody of the kids, but Joe somehow thinks that he does too! When asked who could get permanent custody, he said, "The grandmother, Katherine, and I. There's no one else to do what we can do for them. We should keep them all together and make them happy. And feed them like they're supposed to be fed. And let them get rest ... and grow up to be strong Jacksons."

What he really meant by "strong Jacksons" is "overflowing ATMs."

As far as I know, Katherine and Joe didn't shit under the same roof, so what is this "we" mess? Jafar Jackson needs to know that it's not normal when he looks at his grandkiddies and sees dancing sparkly dollar signs all around them.

Joe, do you see that purdy thumb of yours? Do us all a favor and stick it in your ass as deep as you can, wiggle it around, pull it out and then stick it in your mouth. Keep it there.