Michael Jackson

Well, Joe Jackson has done what we've all been waiting for him to do. He has opened up Michael Jackson's coffin and is searching it for loose change. TMZ reports that Pimp Daddy Joe has filed papers in L.A. asking for a piece of his son's estate even though he was left out of the will. Joe Jackson would make you take your orgasm back if you busted a nut before he did, so this bit of news is the opposite of shocking.

In the papers, Joe claims that Michael's estate has racked in over $100 million in the past 7 weeks, so it could afford to keep his pimp hand moisturized. Shameless Joe also says that Michael used to give Katherine $60,000 a month, and told her to give half to him. Joe listed all of his expenses which total over $15,000:

$2,500 for eating out
$2,000 for flying in airplanes
$3,000 for hotel rooms to take his Craigslist hos back to
$1,000 for grocery
$1,200 for rent
$50 for charity

Basically, all of Joe's money problems could be solved if he only ordered from the dollar menu at McDonald's, took his hos to a rest stop bathroom instead of a hotel room, only traveled on the Chinatown Bus and slept on the branch of a tree with the other vultures.

With Michael Lohan quickly becoming the world's most terrible parent, Joe Jackson had to do something drastic to keep a hold of his title. So there you go. His title is safe for now.

Here's Joe Jackson practicing his money counting skills, because he's going to be doing a lot of that once the giant bags of cash start rolling in. In an interview with Extra, loving father Joe Jackson said that his son is worth more money dead than he is alive. Doesn't that just make you want to punch yourself in the throat to keep from heaving?

When Joe realized that his constant inner monologue jumped out of his mouth, he tried to save it by saying he'd rather his son was alive. When talking about the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It, Joe queefed, "He's worth more dead than when he was alive. I'd rather have him alive. When he was living, they didn't show this."

Joe went on to say that whenever he hears a Michael Jackson song he starts to get a little teary-eyed, but no one will ever see him cry, "When I'm off to myself and I start thinking about things that we went through."

OH JOE! Keep that pimp game up. We all know Joe gets weepy, because the sound of the cash register in his head is just so moving and beautiful. And Joe doesn't ever have to worry about anyone seeing him cry. It's physically impossible for the tears to come out of his eye holes since gigantic dollar signs are always in the way.

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin' out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman's (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would've never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I'm sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn't there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I'm looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

This is why Randy Jackson should leave the detective work to La Toya. Yesterday, it was reported that Randy was going around claiming that Michael Jackson couldn't possibly sign his will in 2002, because he was in NYC at the time. The document states it was signed in Los Angeles. Forgery fuckery!

According to Michael's estate lawyer the will was signed in NYC, but one of the witnesses must have been drunk that day, because they accidentally wrote Los Angeles instead of New York. TMZ confirms that MJ took a pen to the document in NYC. And if for some reason, the will is thrown out for being a fraud, MJ's will form 1997 will take its place. The 1997 will is pretty much a copy of the 2002 will. So that's that! However......Detective La Toya still believes that the signature is fake.

Yesterday one of the paps asked her if someone forged Michael's signature on his will, and she responded with, "It's not real. I could have told you that two months ago." And the plot thins! Detective La Toya is still on the case and as soon as she gets the forgery kit she ordered in the mail, she will uncover the TRUTH! Hold your breath.

And here's some pictures of La Toya leaving the Ed Hardy store yesterday. Don't worry, La Toya isn't sleeping with the enemy. I'm sure she's on a top-secret undercover investigation. Or something.

Well, what do we have here? Randy Jackson (not the "Yo dawg" dude from American Idol) seems to think that he has Detective La Toya's skills for uncovering the truth and discovering the answer to life's great mysteries. Ugh. I expected Jermaine to try to steal La Toya's shine, but not Randy!

According to TMZ, Randy says that something in the milk ain't clean about Michael Jackson's will. Michael signed it on July 7, 2002 in Los Angeles, but Randy says this is impossible since his brother was all the way in NYC at the time. The lawyer for Michael's estate, Howard Weitzman, says that the witnesses were with Michael Jackson when he signed his will, but he would not say if all of them were in NYC or L.A. at the time.

Of course, Rev. Al Sharpton has piped in to confirm that Michael was with him in NYC on the 7th. The two of them attended a protest against Tommy Mottola who was under fire for allegedly discriminating against Black artists. Rev. Al says he will plans to speak to the family about this.

While I think it's endearing that Randy wants to play detective, he needs to put the toy magnifying glass away, and let the professional do her job! Unless, Randy is afraid that La Toya will discover the real truth, which is that he's just mad he's nowhere in the will. Yeah, more than likely.

Anyway, here's La Toya on her night off from crime-solving leaving a lavish dinner at Chili's. Okay, she was really leaving some Thai restaurant and she was wearing a gown from Windsor's, because she was at Dancing with the Has-Beens before.

Joe Jackson's strong pimp hand is at it again! When Michael Jackson was alive, he went to great lengths (i.e. masks) to make sure his kids lives' be as private as possible. Well, the Jackson family is saying "FUCK THAT," because they have agreed to allow Michael's 3 kids to star in the new A&E reality show about the family which airs this December.

One source told UsWeekly that even though Janet and Katherine are on the show, not all the Jacksons are happy about this. Rebbie has refused to be a part of this fuckery, and she doesn't think MJ's kids should involved either. The source added, "Rebbie feels Michael would spin in his grave if he knew his kids would be on this show."

The show's executive producer told UsWeekly, "We have 23 cast members with the last name Jackson. They've done a great job opening up about losing a brother."

Joe Jackson had this to say: "PRIVACY DON'T PAY THE BILLS! BUY MY BLU-RAY DISCS!" (he didn't say that)

UPDATE: Katherine Jackson issued a statement to TMZ shooting this down. Katherine said Michael would never want his kids on TV and she will honor that. As long as she's their legal guardian, Michael's kids will never be on a TV show.

Nearly four months after he moonwalked off to the Neverland in the sky, Michael Jackson has a new single out called "This Is It." No, this is not a cover of Huey Lewis' "If This Is It." I wish.

The song was originally written in the olden times (aka the 90s), but never officially released. It will be part of a 2-disc CD set, and it will also play at the end of the Michael Jackson documentary called "This Is It" (DUH). The documentary opens on October 28th.

All of MJ's brothers sang background on the single. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear Joe Jackson using his abacus (he's old school like that) to calculate all the cash he's going to make off this song. And if you play the song backwards, the secret to Jermaine Jackson's hairline will be revealed. That tip is courtesy of Det. La Toya.

VIA Associated Press

Is it too soon for a reality talent show that is looking for a dancer that can move just like Michael Jackson? While we're all screaming "YES," Jermaine Jackson is nodding his Max Headroom head "NO," because he's going to judge one over in the UK. SANTO DIOS!

Later this year, Jermaine will be the main judge on the BBC show Move Like Michael Jackson. The six-episode show will feature dancers who can moonwalk and crotch grab just like the King of Pop. The melting caramel square said in a statement, "Michael was a superb dancer who inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines....AND I NEED A CHECK." That last part was improv, just so you know.

The most shocking thing about all of this is that Joe Jackson's hand is not anywhere near it. I sniffed the story thoroughly and didn't smell Blu-Ray dust or bull dog snot, so Joe is definitely not involved.

And there's really no need for this reality show since we all know who has "Michael Jackson moves" like nobody else:

MICHAEL JACKSON PRAISED HITLER!!!! No not at all, but that's what The Sun is kind of poking at with their story about how MJ once said Hitler was a "genius orator" during a taped conversation with his so-called friend Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Yes, a genius "orator." You know my mind is always vacationing in the gutter, but I'm not even going to give that one a side-eye. I wonder if he spit or swallow? I'M STOPPING.

In taped conversations between Rabbi Shmuley and MJ obtained by The Sun (aka Rabbi Shmuley sold it to them in the back alley at midnight), the King of Pop reportedly says, "Hitler was a genius orator. To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was."

When Rabbi Shmuley asked MJ if he thinks he could've changed Hitler, he responded, "Absolutely. I know I could." He insisted nobody was all evil, explaining: You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong."HEALING with a moonwalk! It works every time.

You know, Aubrey O'Day tried to say the same thing a while ago, but it came out sounding like this: queefburpfartqueefburpfart. And yes, I just used Aubrey's name and Michael Jackson's name in the same post. I should go back to bed.

And don't you worry, Detective La Toya is in Germany right now getting to the bottom OF THIS!

When the halfway-melted down Lego Man that is Jermaine Jackson announced the extravagant tribute concert to his brother Michael, he promised that the likes of Mary J. Blige, Chris Brown and Natalie Cole would perform. The only problem is that when all three of them were asked about the concert, they all pulled some "Never Heard Of It" shit. Without Mary, Chris or Natalie, the only confirmed performers for the concert was Sister Ledge. And let's be real, you can see them at your local county fair while chomping on some deep fried butter.

So, without any performers, it's no surprise that Jermaine has decided to postpone the show until June 2010. The concert was supposed to take place in Vienna on September 26th, but it's been moved to Wembley Stadium in London for 2010. Jermaine issued this statement:

"Many artists and performers who I have spoken to personally told me that it would be a great honor to be part of this memorial concert for my late brother - an artist who influenced the music world like virtually no other. However, due to the short time frame it was not possible for many of them to change their schedule so that they could be on stage in Vienna on September 26, therefore we decided, after careful consideration, to change the date of the tribute concert to June 2010 - just a few weeks before the first anniversary of his untimely death. Now we have 8 months to put this monumental show together and not just 8 weeks. Despite the short amount of time we would have been able to stage a great show, in keeping with Michael's high standards, but numerous stars were just not able to change their schedules to make a live appearance at the Vienna event possible."

Aw. Jermaine didn't have to do that! Who needs Mary, Chris or Natalie when you have Jermaine, La Toya and Joe (make sure to move your head to the side when you barf)!

I mean, Jermaine could've opened the show by performing "Smooth Criminal" as a geriatric California Raisin (no costume required). Then Joe could've recited his touching poem: "The World Lost A Superstar: An Ode To Blu-Ray Discs." And Claire Cruise could have...well....she could have just shown up, because the presence of her crazy ass would be worth the entire price of admission.

VIA BBC