Knocked Up

This week alone I've read that St. Angie and her slave man have broken up, that slave man is talking to the Susan Boyle of America again and that St. Angie is going to buy a baby friend from the Philippines. Well, today comes a rumor from Star Magazine that St. Angie Jo has another chosen one growing in her holy womb! Actually, this rumor might be a fact because Star put it in caps, italics and dropped an explanation point after that. If you ask KANYE WEST, that means it is a FACT!

A "family insider" said Angie Jo is about two months knocked up with baby number seven, "She's thrilled. She said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" But she kept the news from Brad, only telling him when he returned from a trip to New Orleans at the end of March." Of course she knew. She knows everything. God probably called Angie on her personal line and said, "You know what time it is."

Brangie's new baby might be a Band-Aid chosen one, because the two were stating to hate each other. Basically. The source said, "They'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible. It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them."

Blah! Blah! Blah! You know, I bet Shiloh is sitting in her ivory tower and bitching to her imaginary friend about this shit! There was a time when she was the only messiah and now there's going to be four of them! Chosen ones are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays!

And after hearing this news, OctoMommy immediately stuffed her mouth with dozens of IVF needles. Did I say mouth? I meant vagina.

I haven't thought of Sarah Michelle Gellar or Freddie Prinze Jr. in forever, but when I read that they are having a BABY!!!, I immediately thought of the fuckery they did to Scoopy Doo! Speaking of shit that is best enjoyed with a bong (see below). Damn. Freddie should never attempt that hair again. He looked like he was one step closer to dethroning Scotland's #1 Male Barbie. Anyway, back to the baby at hand.

One of Sarah and Freddie's loud-mouthed friends told People that she's having a baby friend in the fall. The friend added, "They're very excited." At least they aren't "over the you know what," but just once I want to read, "It was a mistake. They aren't very happy about it."

Sarah, 31, and Freddie, 33, have been married for six long years. This is their first human creation together. When they first legally handcuffed themselves to each other, I didn't think it would last that long. I was one of those "I give it a quick minute" people. But they have proven me wrong! Because of this, I will watch House of Yes this weekend and pretend like Freddie gave a good performance.

If they have a girl, they have to name her Buffy. If they have a boy, they have to name him Spike. Those are their only choices. Actually, that's kind of cliche and boring. So if they have a boy, they have to name him Buffy. If they have a girl, they have to name her Spike. Yeah, that's better.

That was fast. Joel Madden wrote on Good Charlotte's website that Sad Clown Baby is going to be a big sister! And this means Nicole Richie is going to get so fucking fat! And by "so fucking fat," I mean more than 75lbs. Lard Ass Richie! Here's what Joel wrote:

What's better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now.........

Better than an Oscar? Let me see. Oscars are gold-plated and shiny. They don't accidentally (or purposely) go pee times in your face. They don't interrupt your beauty sleep in the middle of the damn night with their moaning. And they don't squirt out poopy pea soup. Yeah, waaaay better.

Back in January, Kate Moss was photographed in Thailand looking like she was suffering from a little condition called knocked the fuck up. Some weren't sure if this was the case, since bitch was sucking on fags and downing beer. But this is The Moss we're talking about. Bitch can't breathe in oxygen unless it's laced with nicotine.

The other night, Kate left a restaurant in London, where I'm sure she enjoyed a plate of parsley, looking like she was definitely preggers. Yes, I used preggers to remind us all the grossness of that world. It sounds like something I spit up this morning.

The News of the World says Kate is indeed the Big P and is expecting her new baby's arrival in August. Since she's past 12-weeks, she's telling more and more friends. A source said, “She’s vowing to be an even better mum this time.” This time? Oh, yeah. She has another one of those kid things. I always forget about that. Usually when I see Kate, she has a ciggie in her hand, not a baby friend.

The father this time around is Jamie Hince, her Count Von Count-looking boyfriend. Damn. That baby is going to come out looking like this.

There's still a little piece of me that wishes maybe she's pregnant with Dreamboat Doherty's baby. It could happen. His spermies are just as wasted as him. They probably got distracted on the way to Kate's eggs. They hit up a few bars, crashed at a few crackhouses and eventually snuggled into her eggs years later. If the baby comes out with a "Property of the DH" stamp on its ass, we'll know Dreamy is the daddy!

This kind of shit was bound to happen on one of those Vh1 hooker shows. Ray-J has the honor of being the first bitch to possibly have knocked up one of the sluts of his reality show. And of course, it has to be the bitch with the tiger tattoo on her face. Does she realize that when she's 50 that tiger is going to look like a mangy alley cat? Her face to fuck up, I guess.

22-year-old Monica Leon, who goes by the name Danger on For the Love of Ray-J, has ran off and told the National Enquirer that she's 3-months pregnant with Ray-J's baby. What's even more special is that Monica claims they made a baby on the set of that tramp show. What a beautiful thing. The baby already has to deal with the shame of having a mommy with a permanent pussy on her face, but now it's going to grow up to find out it was conceived on rented sheets on a rented bed in a rented whore house. For the Love of Jay is the trashiest home movie ever.

Monica told the Enquirer, "There is no way the baby can be anyone's but Ray J's. I was locked in a mansion with him and 13 girls from October until the end of December. Toward the end of the first week of filming, we made love for the first time - and we slept together every night after that! I didn't want to fall for Ray J, but he was so charming it became impossible not to. I was in love with him, and as strange as it might sound, I think he loved me."

Made love?! That tiger on her face just gave her the side-eye. When a dude you've known for a week sticks his sideway peen in your puss without a rubber on and busts a load, that's not love, that's fucking grade A stupidity! If she didn't catch a baby, she would've caught the coochie cough!

And can someone get a camera crew to Whitney Houston's crack den when she finds out. That wig is going to hit the ceiling and every doodle bubble in her ass is going to burst.

But seriously, Vh1 could find a way to turn this into a show. For the Sake of a Child Support Check! Maury Povich would host, obviously.

This shit also doesn't mean it's Ray-J's kid. I mean, if Monica fucked him without a condom, she probably sat on a toilet seat without spraying it down with some Hazmat-approved spray cleaner. That means one of the other tricks in the house could've dropped a rogue jizz ball from her snatch onto the toilet seat and Monica's vag picked it up. HEY! I watch Forensic Files. Anything is possible.

M.I.A. doing the "contractions bounce" while performing at the Grammys last night almost made me go into fucking labor for her. I wanted to jump through the screen with a mini-mattress and follow her around just in case the baby dropped out of her pussy from all that bouncing around. The baby was probably all dizzy and shit.

At one point, I think I saw the baby's head sneak out, but it could've been the 4th glass of ghetto wine cooler (Chateau Diane & Mott's apple juice) talking. Even if the baby did slide out of her coochie, she probably would've grabbed the umbilical cord, twirled that shit like a lasso above her head and kept on going. Bitch is no joke. I mean, there very well could have been baby water all over the stage, because homegirl was due yesterday.

If you missed that shit, click here to see it. M.I.A.'s performance kind of reminds me of my cousin trying to "drop it like it's hot" during her wedding reception when she was 7-months pregnant. Seeing her hike up her wedding dress and shake that ass made me so proud.

Here's also a few pictures of M.I.A.'s acid trip maternity wear last night. I'm pretty sure she bought her outfits in the placemat and shower curtain aisles at Big Lots.

Kimora Lee Simmons is having a baby with that hot piece Djimon Hounsou, star of Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" video. Sorry, he was topless in that shit so in my eyes that's his best work yet. I should also mention his fine work in those Calvin Klein panty ads.

33-year-old Kimumu already has 2 daughters with Russell Simmons named Ming and Aoki. This baby will be Djimon's first. The two have been together for about 2 years or so.

When he first met her, Dijmon told bitches, "My first impression has always been the same, that she's a very beautiful lady, very capable and intelligent and smart with great family values. She's the least high-maintenance lady I've ever dated."

Who in the hell has he been dating? Only skanks that have been on Bridezillas?

Kimorasaurus probably threatened to eat him (and not in the sexy way) if he didn't say that shit. I hope Djimon has made peace with his gods, because Kimora's fury is going to hit fever pitch now that she's pregnant.

And she should also get an ultrasound on her chins and neck, because there might be a few babies growing in there.

Source: UsWeekly

The daughter of God and half-sister of Jesus, Celestia (aka Anne Heche), is knocked up with James Tupper's baby. It's their first child together. The crazy fauxmosexual already has a 6-year-old son named Homer with her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon.

Anne and James met on the set of Men in Trees when they were both still married. Sluts! Their spokesbitch issued this extremely wordy statement to People: "They are really thrilled."

Anne better name her kid God Jr. or Lil' Celestia. She won't, though. Since the kid will be Homer's sibling, she'll probably name it something predictable like Marge or Illiad.

P.S. - Anne got that dress at the Flavor of Love stoop sale. She forgot to read the label that clearly states the dress should only be worn by bitch's with plastic titty sacks.

Thomas Beatie, the Pregnant dude, is once again a pregnant dude! Barbara Walters dropped this shit on "The View" today. He's one fertile trannydude. The no-uterus in body jumped when Babwa said it.

Thomas barely popped out a baby girl named Susan this past June. In an interview with Babwa airing tomorrow night on ABC, Thomas and his wife Nancy told her they are going to have their second kid this June!

Above is Barbara announcing it this morning and they also showed a few clips from her interview with Pregnant Dude. I need to take him shopping, because he needs to give that shirt back to the 90s boy band member he took it from.

BABIES!! BABIES!!! Shit, I think I'm the only bitch on the planet who isn't fucking knocked up. I better shove a Cabbage Patch Doll up my ass, so that I can give birth to it. That way I won't feel like I'm missing out.

Every time I see Carnie Wilson's name, I immediately think of carne asada for some reason. Mmm...carne asada. Anyway, Carne Asada Wilson lost 50 pounds this year, but she's probably going to become a mega BBW again now that there's a hungry baby living in her body.

Carnie told OK! Magazine that she's expecting her second kid with husband Rob Bonfiglio in June. Yeah, she's like 2-months pregnant and already blabbing about it. She's also so excited that she can't keep her lips shut and offered up more information about how she found out, etc....

On how she found out: "I was making dinner, and I took a home-pregnancy test." Honey! We're having pork chops and pregnant piss for supper!

On how she told her husband: "I taped the pregnancy test to the front door and drew a picture of little stick figures of Daddy, Mommy, Lola and then a little tiny one." Honey! Why does the front door have piss on it?

On why she knew she was going to get pregnant after losing the weight: "I did, actually. We had sex before, during and after ovulation. I was really keeping track of it, and it worked. Also, my body is so healthy now. I think we might have conceived to “She’s Leaving Home” by The Beatles!" Damn! Don't hold anything back Carnie. Tell me what kind of shapes your sex juices made on the sheets.

On twins: "I can’t stop thinking about twins! My sister had twins; my grandmother was a twin and my grandmother’s aunt had twins. I had my first ultrasound and we only saw one sac, but it’s not confirmed that it’s not two because one could be hiding in back of the other."

This obviously means she's having twins. TWINS = Even More BABIES!!!! You know she got knocked up so she can go back to eating gallons of ice cream and cheese fries at midnight again. Shit, that's a really good reason to get pregnant. And didn't she have gastric bypass? I guess that band busted a long time ago.

Since we're sort-of on the subject of Wilson Phillips, where the hell is Wendy?! She was always my favorite, because they always pushed her to the side like a side of broccoli without the mayo. She was the original basement baby.