Posh Spice is eating for one, Baby's having a baby, and now Scary Spice has announced that she has also caught fetus fever. SPICE UP YOUR OVARIES! The state of Sporty and Ginger's uterus is unknown at this time, but I have a feeling it won't be long for tiny hands to slap a DO NOT DISTURB sign over their wombs. When they signed their souls over to Simon Fuller, the fine print on their contract stated that they must birth heirs to the Spice Girls throne at the same time. Having seen the Spice Girls in concert, I can say with confidence that the Spice Babies will probably be better at lip-synching than their predecessors.
Scary Spice used Hello Magazine (via The Sun) to announce that she and her husband of 3.5 years Stephen Belafonte (no relation to Shari) will have a brand new baby friend in their arms this summer. Scary already has a 12-year-old daughter named Phoenix Chi and a three-year-old daughter with Eddie Murphy named Angel Iris. This will be her first with Stephen and she's under the sun about it!
"We're really excited. We wouldn't have planned and waited for four yours to have a baby if we weren't really excited about it and ready for it. Even though you can never really be truly ready.
I haven't fully decided if I want to know (the sex of the baby) or not. I'm over the first trimester, so I'm past the shady three months and on to safe territory. The first three months, I was pretty sick and tired, to be honest, which I've never been before. I'm always broody. Hopefully, I'm going to be pregnant by the end of this year, or, if not, next year. I love kids."
My favorite part of this news is the comments it has produced over at The Sun. Some people can't believe that Scary is going to have three kids with three different fathers (example: "Having 3 kids by 3 different fathers is nothing to be proud of, love")!!!!!! The hell are they throwing shade at? Of course this is something to be proud of! It means that Scary has equal opportunity ovaries and an International womb house of fetuses in her body. That is something to be proud of, love.
Besides, just think of the baby names Scary will come up with. She's already got a Phoenix Chi and an Angel Iris, so I'm thinking she's going to go with either Tuscon Tai Latte or Buffy Pupil.
We won't know if the tiny human in Alexis Knapp's womb has genes that will give he or she curly golden hair, a natural six-pack and a voice duller than a sloth's cum shot until he or she undergoes a Maury Povich special after slipping down the vagina slide. Sources close to Alexis say that she's pretty sure her unborn baby was made with Ryan Phillippe's sperm fishes. Ryan wants to take a DNA test before he starts writing Alexis a child support check every single month. But TMZ says that even though Ryan is still months away from seeing the receipts, he's still helping Alexis pay her bills while she's got her swole feet on the ottoman and can't work.
The deal was that Alexis would keep her lips closed to the media if Ryan impregnated her checking account with a bundle of cash every single week.
At first, the sight of Alexis Knapp made me want to take a damn nap, but I'm beginning to appreciate her gold digging style. There's plenty of women out there who work right until the baby's head is pushing them out of their desk chair. When their water breaks, they use that shit to wet the stamps on some business letters they have to send. And when they can't hold on anymore, they politely take a 15-minute break and pop that baby out in the bathroom before clocking back in with a few minutes to spare. But Alexis can't work. I know she's a model, but the JCPenney catalog does have a maternity section, thankyouverymuch.
With all that being said, if Ryan's dumb ass is paying, why work? If the baby isn't Ryan's and he asks for his money back, Alexis should just say, "What money?" and then distract him with a shiny object. Ryan's got the Herp Derps in a bad way so he'd fall for it.
And here's Ryan with his on-and-off fuck buddy Amanda Seyfried taking his dog for a walk in L.A. yesterday afternoon.
Kacey Jordan is back on the troll stroll after telling Charlie Sheen that something other than a 16-inch dildo is knocking at the walls of her womb. Kacey texted Charlie over a week ago letting him know that she's knocked up, but she's pretty sure it isn't his and she's going to take care of it. Well, Kacey took care of it and the world no longer faces the terrifying possibility of being terrorized by a crack-smoking baby who beats up chandeliers and chokes out porn stars with his pudgy hands for stealing his Rolex rattle. Actually, that sorts of sounds adorable in a "the world is ending, so why the fuck not?" kind of way. But that's not going to happen and that's probably for the better.
Kacey tells Radar that even though she doesn't think her unborn baby was made with Charlie's street corner junkie sperm fishes, it could've belonged to another celebrity but she's totally not sure. I'll let Kacey tell you the rest in her own eloquent words:
"I had the abortion last Thursday, I went home to Oregon to have it because that is where I grew up. I was sick and on the couch all day. I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie's baby, but you never know. I get pregnant very easily. Charlie and I tried to use protection... I kept having to put it on again. I don't want people to think I just had sex with him and didn't try to use one. I was just impressed he was able to finish really. A week earlier I had been with another celebrity, so it could of been his, but I can't talk about him because I had to sign a release."
Kacey cares about her pristine image and doesn't want us to look at her as a bareback slut. But yet, she doesn't care if we know that she's had 4 abortions and doesn't know who the father of her last unborn baby was? Directly file this first under: You're not helping the "keep abortion legal" argument so please just eat a cup of birth control pills and STFU.
This little midget trollop is a mess! It's like every Jerry Springer episode fornicated with each other and birthed out Kacey Jordan. Bitch could give Jerry a season worth of shows. I don't know whether I should worship at her feet or stick my fingers in a bowl of hot Hazmat soap every time I type her name. I'm tempted to go with the former after reading this:
"I had a sugar daddy in New Jersey for 5 months, he bought me everything but then, he put the lockdown on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything, and he was in control. You know, you get used to that lifestyle, then you end up having to do everything he says so you can keep it. I want to make my own money so I have freedom.
It is better to have lots of sugar daddies and rotate them. Yes, I want multiple sugar daddies."
What a modern woman Kacey Jordan is. She's too independent to be kept by one man yet she doesn't mind being the pussy slave to multiple dudes. A freelance kept whore! Suddenly, Gloria Steinman's world just got turned upside down. As is Justin Bieber's who can barely wrap his toddler monkey brain around one abortion let alone four.
Mimi is not letting a little thing called FULL OF BABIES!!! get in the way of selling her line of 1980s hooker sneakers, bottled pregnancy farts (smells like old honeycombs and Hello Kitty's amniotic fluid) and bedazzled butterfly trinkets on HSN last night. In the above clip, Mimi makes it known that she's seven matte shades of NOT AMUSED when HSN shows a shot her looking like a bloated and beached merwhale waiting for Greenpeace volunteers to roll her back into the ocean so that she continue to entertain sea life with the magical musical notes that dance out of her blowhole.
That wasn't right of HSN. It also wasn't right for the host to do nothing while Mimi's swole hooves are practically in his face. Make yourself useful, ho! Grab the cotton candy oil and massage the ache out of 'em! The Care Bear Stare Princess is waiting!
If you need more of Mimi from last night, click here for a bunch of clips.
For those of you who grew up watching Lizzie McGuire in the first days of the 21st century, it's your turn to feel older than dust because Hilary Duff is going to be a mother. Maybe. This would be like me finding out that Moosie from Kids Inc. is a grandfather. Or like a 5-year-old staring at Justin Bieber's positive pregnancy test. We're all old.
Star Magazine has it on good authority that Hilary has been drinking her skim lattes with a shot of bunny genes with the rest of Hollywood, because she's apparently pulling her bump into the bump-to-bump traffic crowding L.A. right now. Hilary and her manchild husband Mike Comrie have yet to confirm any of this. Probably because the source says that she's only 7 weeks. The close friend went on to spill even more details on Hilary's current uterus situation, “They weren’t actively trying to conceive but agreed that if it happened, it happened. They’re ecstatic."
If this is true, YAY for Hilary and Mike (who sort of looks like a Seth MacFarlane creation). Hopefully, Hilary's doctor finds a way to put a mouthguard on her baby before it comes flying out, because with her Chiclets and his jaw, that kid is going to want to chomp on everything. Like a great white chipmunk.
The curtain can't close on another day without a rumor or story popping up about how yet another celebrity is pregnant, so Selma Blair is taking one for the team and leasing out her womb to her unborn baby. At least that's what Star Magazine is going on about. They have a source telling them that Selma and her boyfriend of a year Jason Bleick will add a member to the Hollywood child army sometime this year.
Jason is the founder of EVER clothing line, and apparently lives in a tepee on a horse ranch in Malibu. Think the rich dude's HUNG. The source says that Selma wasn't exactly looking for a baby in her life, but you know what your mother used to tell you: You play with bare dick, and you'll get knocked up (or HPV)! The source went on to say, “Selma and Jason are ecstatic! It’s still early on but they have started telling family members and close friends. Selma never thought she could be this happy. Her life right now is a dream come true! Selma started dating Jason last year and although the pregnancy was a surprise, she couldn’t be happier."
Selma now joins Posh Beckham, Natalie Portman, Mimi, Kate Hudson, Rachel "Chupa" Zoe, Jewel, Marion Cotillard, Owen Wilson's girlfriend and Jane Krakowski as the mothers-to-be who will be terrorizing Hollywood with baby shower shit in a few months. Yup, L.A. will drown in candy bar diapers and unmarked baby food jars.
Jessica Simpson was on the Early Show this morning promoting her engagement ring/Christmas album and she started the interview by saying that her breath smelled like yours after thinking about John Travolta fupa-fucking a dark peen in a sauna. Basically, it had the aroma of fresh vom. Jessica blamed it on the flu, but let me submit these pictures of her at LAX and JFK last night as evidence that she's possibly got a positive CASE OF THE BABIES!!!! It might explain the engagement, and it also might explain why Papa Joe dresses up in a cloth diaper and bonnet every morning to convince Jessica that she needs to start breastfeeding lessons as soon as possible. No, that's not right of him at all.
Or maybe she's not growing a baby in there at all. Maybe she's just got that HomeTown Buffet bloat. Shit, I'm about as bloated in the everything as she is and I'm not even preg- Wait. Is it possible for a biological male (keep your fingertips off the keys about that one) to conceive a child by rubbing his nipples over digital pictures of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper in a bunny costume? Excuse me while I go and do golden showers with an Ept.
Expect tone deaf songstress Kim Zolciak to choke out an acoustic lullaby version of "Tightrope" called "Umbilical Cord", because she has admitted that there's a BABY!!!! growing in her 32-year-old (there will NEVER be enough notarized receipts to convince me of this) womb! After denying that she's now wearing a "baby bakin' wig" on her head, Kim has confirmed on the cover of Life & Style that she's carrying her boyfriend Kroy Biermann's kid.
Kim says that she shook her NO about the baby rumors a few weeks ago, because she wasn't past her first trimester yet. But now that she's three months pregnant and Life & Style waved a big enough check at her face, she's ready to talk about it. Kim says, "While it wasn't planned, God clearly has a bigger and better plan for us and we're excited. I definitely don't want to get married while I'm pregnant. But I can see myself marrying Kroy in the future."
Kroy is a 25-year-old pro football player, so I'm guessing that the only thing he sees in his future right now is vagina, vagina, vagina, more vagina, and even more vagina. Preferably vagina that doesn't have a baby head popping out of it.
During last night's episode of RHOA, Kim said that Kroy had an ass so tight that you could bounce a quarter off that shit (and I'm sure he's now wishing that his jizz fishes bounced off her egg). Kroy can play that touching and beautiful moment for his future child during one of his court-appointed visits.
A week after UsWeekly put a magnifying glass up to Pink's womb and diagnosed her with the BABIES!!!!, she has confirmed to Ellen that her days are now filled with pregnancy farts and freaking out about whether she's going to caca on the labor table. Alecia Moore and Carey Hart are contributing to the overflowing human race and having a baby. A baby who will probably grow up not knowing the hell a plastic bag is. Now that plastic bags are banned in L.A., what is my mother going to put over her head when she gives herself a hot oil treatment. L.A. needs to think of the thirsty follicles out there! But I digress...
Pink tells Ellen why she wasn't shouting the news from the top of her Twitter, "I was just really nervous. I have had a miscarriage before, but if I was going to talk about it with anyone, it was going to be with you. I worked for it...It was not an 'Oops.'" Pink says they aren't too sure if their baby friend has a peen or poon, but she's leaning towards the latter, "But the doctor kind of told me what she thinks. I'm terrified because she thinks it's a girl! My mom has always wished me a daughter just like me,. I'm terrified one of us will go to jail."
Usually a platinum pompadour only works on a bitch whose first name is "Wayne" and whose last name is "Cochran" but Pink is pulling that shit off in a "divorcee who works part-time as a perfume spray girl" kind of way.
When you scream out "DUH", make sure to sing it in a 5-octave range while twirling around in your cubicle like a magical fairy princess throwing glittery pixie dust under a double pink rainbow. After years of all eyes being glued to Mimi's Hello Wombey, she announced to Billy Bush on Today this morning that she's got a glazed butterfly bun in her Sanrio-brand oven! Mimi didn't throw up a dozen balloon of details, but she did say that she's due sometime in the spring. Of course, she's hatching in the spring! That's the best time for butterflies to spread their wings and fly through the sunflower fields as the lambs' joyous BAAAAAAAAAHs echo into the heavens! Dahling.
Mimi cooed that she only came out about her pregnancy, because the speculation was starting to reach a fever pitch. Mimi suffered a miscarriage two years ago, so she wanted to hold off as long as she could before unwrapping the sequined pink bow around her BABY!!! news. Billy Bush also said that Mimi conceived naturally and didn't use IVF.
Congrats to Mimi and her child Nick on the upcoming wombancipation of Baby Mimi. And I'm really hoping they'll name their baby Tiara Charmbracelet Baaaaaah Carey Cannon (Princess Butterfly Rainbow Kitty is way too cliche).