Knocked Up

Babies are taking over the world! They are everywhere! Soon, the streets will be covered in green diarrhea and animal crackers! Okay, rant over....for now.

Jennifer Garner has just announced the obvious: she's knocked up with her second child. Band-aid baby anyone?

Jennifer confirmed the news to Access Hollywood, "We’re so excited, obviously.” I bet she smiled through that whole statement. She probably even smiles when she sleeps. Hell, she probably even smiles when she poops. I mean, who smiles while taking a shit?! Jennifer Garner does.

And in EVEN MORE BABY NEWS, Ben Affleck's main girl, Matt Damon, might have a new baby in his arms tonight. The Miami Herald reports that his wife is currently in labor. Right now. Yeah, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. Sorry.

BABIES! BABIES!!! BABIES!!!!!

The pocket hottie from Y Tu Mama Tambien is expecting a little baby. Gael García Bernal confirmed that his girlfriend, actress Dolores Fonzi, is knocked up!

They issued this statement to AP (via People): "This statement is to say that, after so much speculation and comments, the actors ... are indeed expecting a baby at the start of next year." The statement went on to say: "And Gael will be living his knocked up girlfriend for Michael K." That's sweet of him, but I'm tall and he's short. It would never work out. On second thought, he could tongue tickle my no-no hole while we're in line at the grocery store and no one would really notice.

Gael's Y Tu Mama Tambien co-star, Diego Luna, recently had a baby too. Well, he didn't physically have the baby, but his woman did.

Congrats to Gael and Dolores! I'm getting nervous with all the new humans being brought into the world, but these two are pretty hot, which means they might have an adorable baby. Adorable babies are welcome.

Tito Ortiz, we already know how big it is. You don't have to show us. And it's not something you should be proud of.

Don't ask me how this happened, but Jenna Jameson might be pre...preg...pregnant. I can't even type that out. There have been rumors that Jenna is knocked up after she announced her retirement from porn earlier this year.

A source told Page Six, "She had a bunch of meetings and things planned for Fashion Week, including meetings for her own line, but she's postponed everything. She's completely thrilled, this is something she's wanted for a very long time."

How did they manage that? I'm convinced Baby Huey has roly poly dick and we already know Jenna's coochie played the bat cave in "Batman Begins." You know when he sticks it in, he hears an echo.

And I'm not sure these two should combine genes. She's going to pop out a really skank duck who will never figure out the answer to 2 + 2. The answer is 4, right?

Lisa Marie Presley and her jaunty husband, Michael Lockwood, have confirmed that they are having twins. It was rumored a few months ago that she had two babies hanging out in there. It makes sense since she's about the size of Graceland.

Priscilla told ET, "She wanted it really to be kept a secret for a long time, you know, and I think women should, because they should be able to announce what they're having and when it's time to make the announcement." I'm surprised Priscilla can still move her face, let alone talk. She probably wrote down her statement, because there's no way that woman can move her mouth without the help for a crane.

Lisa Marie's daddy, Elvis, was a twin. Priscilla's younger brothers are also twins.

MORE TWINS! Saint Angie, JLo, Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, Becky Romjin Lettuce and Nancy Grace all had twins. IVF is in the Hollywood water.

First of all, you know those dogs went diarrhea in their shoes when they got home. Anyway, Rebecca Romjin Lettuce and Jerry O'Connell are expecting twins. Having one baby in Hollywood just isn't good enough. A spokesbitch confirmed to UsWeekly that Becky is knocked up with twins.

These two have been married for about a year. Last month, Jerry said they were trying to have kids, "It would be amazing if it happened. I hope it does happen."

Everyone is having kids, twins especially. What the hell are we going to do with all these people? Who is going to feed them? Where are they going to live?! This is the reason why I have to wait in line for fucking everything. I wait in lines to wait in lines. It's fucked up. Too many people! Export some of them to Mars!

That being said, congrats to Becky Romjin Lettuce and her man boy. Seriously, Jerry has a buff man body, but then you look up at his Howdy Doody head and it makes you feel uncomfortable. He sort of reminds me of the boy bodybuilder.

This is the worst fucking Monday ever. I woke up with a hangover and I didn't even booze last night, my air conditioning is about to go on strike, my TV is acting wonk, I just ate the last Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bar and now I find out that some skank is knocked up with Pharrell Williams' baby. And that skank is not me. Tuesday can't come sooner.

Page Six reports that Pharrell knocked up some model-type. I hope the skank gets really fat. I hope she gets fucking obese. I hope she gets cankles in her arms. A friend of Pharrell's said the whore is really pregnant, "Pharrell is extremely private and won't release any details."

This shit isn't right. Although, I think I just got pregnant from looking at a picture of his sexy weasel face. If I am pregnant, I'm going to hit him up hard for child support. And by "child support," I mean sexual favors.

Boring couple news! Jennifer Garner's Alias co-star, Victor Garber, opened up his fat mouth and confirmed that Jennifer is knocked up with her second kid. He told UsWeekly, "Yes, she is."

Victor later told E! that his words were taken out of context. While reading this quote, I picture him sweating like a Davis Brother and stuttering like a crackhead, "I haven't confirmed that at all, no. I know they want to have another child and hopefully that's true, but I don't know that. No, I know that they are hoping to be. I just don't know that it's for sure. It's a very...personal thing." Translation: He fucked up

This shit comes right after the rumors that Jen and Ben's marriage was heading straight for the dumpster. A source said, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."

Back in May, Ben told the UK Times, "And we’re going to have another baby soon, now that we’ve figured out how to do it. We want lots of kids.”

He's not lying about the just figuring out the sex part. They probably have only fucked twice. Jennifer closes her eyes the entire time while Ben stares at a picture of Matt Damon.

Congrats to Broccoli and Asparagus! Let's pass around the BAND-AIDS and go back to bed, because these two put me to fucking sleep.

Here's knocked up Jen leaving a friend's house in Santa Monica yesterday. I'm surprised to see that she drives a Lexus SUV. I picture her as a Volvo station wagon kind of ho.

I could have sworn Naomi Watts was still knocked up, but Wikipedia said she popped out baby Alexander last July. Maybe I'm confusing her with Nicole Kidman? Or Kate Winslet? All those weepy hos are the same and they are all having babies.

UsWeekly claims Naomi and her dude, Liev Schreiber, are expecting a baby. Some source said Naomi is in her second trimester. Naomi's spokeswhore said she doesn't comment on her client's personal life. Blah...blah...buy me a drink and shut up.

And no, they ain't married, but marriage is for the birds. Fuck, even birds are smart enough not to get hitched. Wait, birds don't have some kind of weird marriage ceremony, do they? I know they do in cartoons, but what about real life? Get back to me.

22-year-old Charlotte Church is knocked up again! Charlotte barely popped out her first baby, Ruby Megan, last September. This will be her second kid with her hot man piece, Gavin Henson. The look on his face in the picture above is the same look he gave Char when he found out.

Char announced the glorious news on her website:

Here we go again!!!

Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson are delighted to announce that they are expecting another baby. The couple are thrilled, as are their immediate families. Meanwhile, Charlotte has confirmed that she will fulfill her commitment to Channel 4 to present the third series of The Charlotte Church Show in July and August of this year.

Homegirl didn't even let the chocha have a moment to itself before she put it back to work. And you know her chichis and ass are going to explode.....again.

And since we're on the rare subject of Charlotte Church, below is her amazing duet with Amy Wino. I'm sure I've posted this shit before, but it deserves an encore. This is how NOT to sing Jacko:

VIA People

Seeing all these knocked up broads makes my sausage, egg and cheese bloat feel like a baby. I should piss on an e.p.t. just to be safe. Anyway, here's tons of pictures of walking baby ovens from the past couple of days. Well, Nicole Kidman is more like a pillow oven. She probably stores a week supply of botox in her pillow bump just in case she gets stranded somewhere. I kid, I kid. I'm sure her baby will come out with a permanent surprised look on its face and frosted tips and then we'll know it's their baby.

Nicky and Keith's kiss in the third thumbnail below is all sorts of awkward. She's blowing, he's sucking.

The baby ovens below are: Nicky, Tori Smelly, Gwen Stefani and Camilla Alves.