Knocked Up

Weeeed Eater! Weeeeed Eater ! Sorry. Seeing that sort of made me excited.

Anytrashy, Lynne Spears needs more people! First we heard that Jamie Lynn IS knocked up! Then we heard it was just Taco Bell gas and she isn't carrying! Now some bitch is saying Jamie Lynn IS pregnant, but is denying it to buy some time.

With all eyes on Brit Brit's nekkid greasy chicken bone ass lately and Jamie Lynn no longer in the spotlight for being a knocked up 16 year old, she must have gotten a little jealous and needed to steal Our Lady of Cheeto's thunder by being a knocked up 17-YEAR-OLD.

The National Enquirer claims that one of Jamie Lynn's hillbilly family members has confirmed that she went and got herself knocked up. Jamie Lynn told the family member that it's Casey Aldridge's, but we all know what happens down on the bayou. Cousins get horny, daddies gets lonely. I STILL can't believe she could let some dude squirt his baby batter all up inside her trashy hillbilly teen ass AGAIN and think that nothing would happen. Maybe Zoey 101 should have been titled Dumb Pregnant Teenage Bitch 101.

This close family member (who is probably her cousin/uncle/half-brother) goes on to say that Casey was pissed when he found out about the pregnancy through the media instead of straight out his baby mama's mouf. Well, no shit! Who could blame the fucktard for being pissed? How'd you like it if the rest of the world knew before you did that your underage concubine was pregnant with your second child and that you were too stupid to work a condom? Cue Casey saying, "Condom? Whut's thet? Ahs jest pull out befo' ahs drop!"

The family member continued to run their yap saying that, “Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy and she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. Lynne doesn’t want to talk about it publicly until they sort this out. Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet."

Lynne not wanting to talk about something publicly? Translation: Lynne is not ready to talk about it to the tabloids until the right price is met.

Here's Jamie Lynn at WaMa (aka Wal-Mart) in Mississippi yesterday. Hopefully, she's buying an economy-sized pack of condoms and Spermicide. Her "Yoga Makes Me Flexible" t-shirt says it all. That's what got her into this mess!

Did you hear a loud boom yesterday? No, it wasn't your drunk roommate falling in the tub again. It was Lisa Marie Presley pushing out her twin girls. FINALLY! She was the size of one of Aretha Franklin's mega chichi balls. That's a whole lot of woman. And she looked like she was ready to bite off her husband's head at any moment. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing considering all the stupid fucking hats he wears.

According to Star Magazine, Elvis' 40-year-old daughter gave birth to twin girls at Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA yesterday. Her two other children, Riley and Ben, were there for the birth of their new sisters. LM's husband, Michael Lockwood, was by her side the whole time. Ugh. Didn't that make her sicker?! I'm sure he was wearing one of his stupid ensembles. He's always looking like the short bus version of Tom Petty. I guess that didn't bother LM since she managed to give birth without any problems.

A source said, “Lisa Marie is mom to four now! She’s feeling good, a little tired too. She is so happy and Michael is ecstatic. He’s wanted to be a dad for so long. This is his dream come true. There was no drama. The babies are healthy and beautiful. Ben was seen pushing them down the hall in their cart and cooing to them"

The source didn't say what the twins' names are. What good is this source?! That's all that matters. Lisa Marie should name her twin girls after her lovely mother Priscilla. She can name one Restylane and the other Botox!

I guess the rubber band around Casey's plastic baggie condom wasn't tight enough, because The National Enquirer claims Jamie Lynn Spears has done got knocked up again! Hit me baby one more time! A source said that 17-year-old Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant. She popped out Maddie Briann almost four months ago.

The source went on to say that friends are begging Jamie Lynn to get an abortion. “They’ve reminded Jamie Lynn how much trouble she had adjusting to motherhood with Maddie, and pointed out that having a second baby now would only be a recipe for disaster." No, it would be a recipe for hillbilly comedy!

Jamie Lynn was "shocked" to learn she got knocked up because she believed "she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding." Jamie Lynn was expecting to get her period in September, but when Aunt Flo didn't come knocking, she ran out, bought a pregnancy test and it came back positive. Oh and by "Aunt Flo" I mean her period blood. Jamie Lynn probably has an Aunt Flo, so I'm just clearing that up.

SHOCKED to learn?! Getting knocked up again is the least of her problems. She really should be worried about the fact that her brains are made of dried chitterlings. Stupid ass Jamie Lynn. Somebody needs to tell her that when the snake goes into the cave without protection and barfs in it, there's a chance that a baby flower might grow inside of you. Don't put it that way when you tell her, because she'll think you're talking about a real snake. The dumb bitch!

The source said that Jamie Lynn and Lynne Spears tried to keep the news secret before they figured out what to do. Translation: Lynn Spears is trying to figure out how she can make the most money off of this shit!

Congratulations, Jamie Lynn! You actually found a way to out-trash Brit Brit! Give yourself an extra helping of pork rind pie for that!

Jenna Jameson has confirmed that she's pregnant with twins. Yawn. Who isn't knocked up with two babies nowadays? Bitch needed to tell us she was holding 8 babies in there for me to be slightly amused. And yes, she can hold 8 babies in her bony body. They can all chill out in her vagina cave. Shit. We can all chill out in there and play a game of dodgeball while watching the acrobats of Cirque du Soleil perform above us.

Anybigvaggy, Jenna announced the lovely news on her MySpace. Let me sum it up for you:

Yes everyone, I can officially confirm that Tito and I are expecting twins! I had my second ultrasound today and was greeted by two big healthy babies with pounding hearts. I can't even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me. It has been my dream to have children for an exremely long time, and I truly feel like finally... the time is right and god has blessed me. I have never felt more like a woman, or more alive.

I have officially gained 7 pounds so far, and am planning on a lot more. I crave fruit by the gallon... ornages and pineapple are at the top of my list. Cereal at 3 am suits me every night!

Is it just me or did you feel like you needed a hot bath in bleach after reading that? It might be my gutter tramp mind.

Congrats to Porn Mommy and Baby Huey! If she doesn't name them Dildo and Ducky, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Last week, The Chicago Sun Times claimed Usher, 29, and his she-man wife, Tameka Foster, 38, separated after only one year of marriage. They also reported that she's knocked up with their second child. Today, UsWeekly and People both "confirm" through a source close to Usher that Tameka is in fact with child.

Usher's spokesbitch hasn't commented on the break-up or baby rumors.

This will be Tameka's fifth child. She gave birth to Usher Raymond V last November.

Tameka is a tranny with serious gold digging game. When your marriage to a rich dude is about to go down the toilet, rub your nuts together and make a baby! Child support from one baby is alright, but child support from two is even better!

Double the fug alert! The world is barely ready for one Emo baby, now some friend of Vagina Wentz claims Asshole Simpson is popping out twins. The stock for flat irons just went up. Yes, there is a stock for flat irons. Check!

Petey's friend, Tyga, told E!, “They’re having twins. They’re really happy.” And we're really barfy.

I'm still getting over the "fact" that Pete has a penis. A penis that he stuck into Asshole's vagina. It's like junior high school sex education class all over again. This info makes me feel uncomfortable, dirty and confused. I'm also giggling like Tommy Girl during a prostate exam.

A spokesbitch for the two twats denies she's popping out twins: "It is not true."

I think Rumer Willis is crossing her tater fingers, hoping Asshole pops out two babies. That's going to double her chances that a bigger tater head than her will exist on earth.

Here's Ashlee farting around in Los Angeles the other day.

It's a new week, which means 100 new baby announcements. Today comes the news of 3 new babies who will join the ever-growing army of infants that will soon take over the world. First up is Tiger Woods and his hot trophy wife.

Tiger (rarr) confirmed on his website that Elin Nordegren is knocked up with their second child. He writes, "I have some wonderful news to report. Sam is going to be a big sister. Elin is feeling great and we are both thrilled. While my injury has disappointing and frustrating, it has allowed me to spend a lot of time watching Sam grow. I can't begin to tell you how rewarding it is being a dad and spending time with her and Elin. The injury has been a blessing and a disappointment." I guess Tiger effed up his knee or some shit.

Congrats to Elin! One more child means more child support! Elin is no Camille Grammer, but she's getting there. She's a gold digger to watch.

Next up is the walking leather bag known as Lizzie Grubman. She's the pr bitch who ran over a bunch of poor hos outside of a club a few years ago. Well, Page Six reports that she's having twins! Lizzie and her husband already have 1 kid. Twins! Yeah, because one child just isn't enough anymore. Lizzie is going to pop out a bottle peroxide and a mini-tanning bed. Seriously.

That's all the baby announcements I have for you now. I'm sure there will be a dozen more tomorrow. In related news, I'm not knocked up yet. I'm working on it. When the baby army finally takes over the world, I'd like to have a member of my family a part of it. You know, to continue my trashy family's legacy.

Jenna Jameson is knocked up with Baby Huey's baby duckling. Yada yada yada! Who isn't carrying a baby in their belly nowadays?! Maybe I should just start announcing who isn't with child, because it seems like everyone is knocked up. BABIES!!!! I'm afraid to open up my closet because I know a baby is going to be sitting there, waiting for me. They're everywhere!

Anypornbaby, it's no surprise that Jenna is pregnant. There were rumors a couple of weeks ago. She finally confirmed it to UsWeekly, “Yes, I can confirm I’m pregnant. It’s still early, so I’m being cautious. I’m resting as much as possible. I'm so happy! I'm just saying super healthy. I’ve moved down to the beach with Tito — I love being by the beach.”

The best part of UsWeekly's article is this: " But the devout Catholic — who has tried in vitro — told Us, "It was all in God's plan." If she's a devout Catholic, then I'm Mary Full of Grace.

I'm seriously considering a permanent move to Mars. You all can stay and drown in dirty diapers, mashed carrot slobber and green wet caca. Eff global warming! Babies are the real threat!

Sporty Spice aka Melanie C has announced she's knocked up with her first child. The 34-year-old is expecting a new member of the baby army with her boyfriend of six years Thomas Starr. Uh..huh...The second I read Sporty was with child, I thought "TURKEY BASTER BABY!" The word "lesbionic" was invented for her.

Sporty announced on her website, "Some happy news. Well, I can now announce that Tom and I are expecting a baby and we are very happy. As I'm sure you'll understand we needed time to wait for results and tell our families. I will be taking it easy but am also excited to start writing for the fifth album. I will need to take some time off to be a mum but, before you know it, we'll be back."

Sporty is the last of the Spice Girls to have a baby. They all have them. Color me fucking old. The other Spice Babies are:

Posh - Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz
Scary: Phoenix Chi and Angel Iris
Ginger: Bluebell Madonna
Baby: Beau Lee

Hopefully Sporty keeps the Spice tradition of giving her baby a messed up name. I'm thinking Footballer Latte Queens. That has a nice ring to it.

Source

Look at Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn! They are laughing their perfectly shaped ass lips off because they are so beautiful and so fertile, and we're not! They need to shut their lips and go back to the Ralph Lauren ad they came from.

With all the baby announcements going on, I'm starting to lose track on who's knocked up and who's popped. I could have sworn on my Pee Chee folder that Angie and Jason already announced they were bringing another perfect baby into this cruel world. I guess I was wrong. They already have two daughters, Finely and Avery. Expect their third child to be named Moray, Beasely or Tinsley.

Their pr whore issued this statement to UsWeekly: "The couple originally denied reports that they were pregnant in an attempt to take back the right to release the joyous news themselves." Oh joy! Another baby. BABIES!!!

Speaking of BABIES!!!, when is Gwen Stefani going to finally give birth? She's been pregnant for yeeeeeaaaars! Baby is smart. Baby should stay in there as long as possible. Shit, I'd crawl in there if I could. It's warm and she probably has cable.