Knocked Up

Papa Joe's attempt to whore out his unborn grandchild in a pregnancy announcement spread in a weekly tabloid for half a million dollars is failing harder than his attempt to convince Jessica Simpson that he's a board-certified pregnant tits masseuse. The first thorn in his plan was shoved in by OK! Magazine whose cover this week makes it look like Jessica opened up her mouth and told them personally that she's farting for two nowadays (but the "confirmation" comes from some unnamed source). The second thorn in Papa Joe's plan was shoved in by Jessica herself when she strut through JFK yesterday with a Spanx tank top full of FETUS!!!!

There goes that $500,000.....

Jessica's knocked the hell up state is about as obvious as the fact that Ashlee Simpson looks like Pete Doherty trying to shapeshift into Owen Wilson. Either Jessica's womb is full of Arby's future customer of the year, or a toddler got a little barbecue sauce on his leg during a family reunion and she sort of kind of ate him whole. They're just waiting for the toddler to pass through Jessica's digestive system before falling out the other end. Now that is an announcement worth $500,00!

The questions "How is babby formed?" and "Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?" might hit Jessica Simpson's Twitter page any day now, because InTouch Weekly says that the permanent food baby in her belly has magically transformed into an actual human baby. BLIND ITEM SOLVED (maybe)!

Jessica and her rent-to-own piece Eric Johnson were supposed to get married last summer, but they pushed that shit back to November after she successfully fell for the oldest trick in the gold digging book. Eric told Jessica that he had to poke holes in the condom or else his dick would suffocate. SUCCESS!

The source said this about the baby that will hopefully defy the odds by being born with at least 3 brain cells (that's 2.95 more brain cells that its parents have combined):

“She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.

Now, despite the fact that there will be one more “guest” (and that “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit”), their plans to marry in November haven’t changed.

While it’s true that not everyone would consider the timing ideal, the friend says the couple considers the baby to be “the best wedding gift ever.” Luckily, she’s not due ’til spring, leaving them just enough time to be newlyweds before new parents.

How is Jessica eating melted Snickers soup with a Doritos crouton on top any different than what goes down her food hole on a daily basis?

And as Papa Joe makes himself a giant breast pump costume in the basement, Vanessa Manilafolders is trolling the streets of Manila looking for a Filipino orphan baby with a huge rack and a woodchuck face who could pass as her and Nick Lachey's child. Jessica is NOT going to beat Vanessa to a very special "Ahs Finally Have The Baby Of My Dreams!" cover of Life & Style. Even if Vanessa has to slather grape jelly on that Filipino orphan, shove it up her twat and then push it out in front of the paparazzi, Jessica is not going to win ever!

Announcing you've got a womb full of baby on the cover of People Magazine or in a Tweet is way too simple and bougie for Beyonce. Bitch always likes to do things get extra. And so at the MTV VMAs tonight, Beyonce swept in wearing a curtain from LaQuinta Inn and dramatically said it all by framing her holy baby cocoon. The sky opened up, everybody fell to their knees, Solange let out a holler from the basement that sounded like angels burping in unison and Three Kings rode in on Jay-Z. It was like the pre-show for the second coming. Or maybe none of that happened and everybody just looked at Beyonce like, "Bitch, why are you posing like my fat uncle after Thanksgiving dinner when he wants to show everyone how much crap he ate?"

People says that Beyonce cradled her bump (that's not even bigger than my gut when I try to suck in during lights-on fuck time) and said that "she's got a surprise." Beyonce's rep also confirmed that the seed of Jay-Z is alive and well in Beyonce's Womb of Derriere.

Beyonce announcing it like a true STUNT QUEEN is just hilarious. Beyonce knew that everybody would lose their shit, shove it back up their asses and lose it again if she just coyly held it like that. I'm surprised a chorus of angel cherubs carrying adorable bundles of wigs with lips on them weren't dancing around her. That being said, let's all hail Beysus Jayssiah Oprah Carter Knowles (that's totally what she's going to name it).

Didn't Brenda Song's trainer teach her to always use a saddle (aka Trojan horse condom) when going horseback riding? I guess not, because Celebuzz is saying that inside of 23-year-old Brenda Song's womb a tiny fetus is putting its little tiny fetus hooves together and praying that the Song gene is its dominant one. A source tells them that Brenda, who was in some Disney crap and The Social Network, pulled some Catherine the Great shit on 22-year-old Trace Cyrus' horse dick and now she's going to birth out an Asian centaur that will gallop out of her pussy in a few months. Brenda led a horse to her vagina and it did more than DRANK.

While I NEEEEEIGH at the image of Auntie Noah and Auntie Miley try to pull an apple off of a tree to feed it to their nephew Flicka, read what Celebuzz had to say about this mess:

Big congrats to Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus! The couple is expecting their first child together, Celebuzz can exclusively report.

“They are beyond thrilled,” a source tells us. “They are about eight weeks along.”

The Social Network star and Miley Cyrus‘ brother have been quietly seeing each other for several months, but made their first appearance together on the red carpet at Nylon Magazine’s party in early May.

Trace’s publicist could not be reached for comment.

This Emo bestiality shit was probably Equus' original ending, but even Peter Shaffer knew he was going too far.

Well, the good news is that first time birth shouldn't be that bad for Brenda. All she has to do is shove a live snake up her ass and that hapa foal will come galloping for ITS LIFE out of her coochie before you can say "sugar cube." And if Babies 'R Us hasn't already stocked their shelves with newborn feedbags and baby hooves for Kimbo Stewart's baby, now might be a good time to do so.

To me, Hilary Duff still looks like a 14-year-old child wearing a plastic cartoon chipmunk mask, so when one of the shameless butchers of Hollywood cast the walking veneers as Bonnie Parker in a remake of Bonnie & Clyde, I pretty much knew that mess was going to look like some Bugsy Malone shit. Just children playing with plastic guns. Even Faye Dunaway verbally whipped Hilary in the teefs with a wire hanger when she said that they should've cast a "real actress" instead. But thanks to the Canadian block of fetus meat forming in Hilary's womb, the world has been spared from some foolish shit. TMZ reports that the producers of Bonnie & Clyde aren't even trying to cover up Hilary's ever growing baby pack with potted plants or briefcases, because they have dropped her on her knocked up ass.

A source says that the director and producers cut Hilary from the movie as soon as she announced that she's pregnant. The source went on to say, "Hilary won’t be available until next June. If we could wait we would.” Kevin Zegers was supposed to play Clyde, but he's out too due to scheduling conflicts.

TMZ points out that Hilary could pull a Hunter Tylo by throwing a lawsuit at the producers for discriminating against her fetus.

Oh, shit. I hope Hilary sues those whores for the entire budget of the movie and wins, so that they can't cast Blake Lively as Bonnie and some little Nickelodeon asshole as Clyde. We need a movie remake of Bonnie & Clyde as much as I need a pregnant dog's nipple in my ass. The only new version of Bonnie & Clyde I want is a one-woman one that Faye Dunaway will have to perform in the basement of a church in Queens, because she needs rent money in a bad way.

When pictures of Fantasia with a swole gut full of something came out last month, she tried to say that she was putting the chunk on her body to play Mahalia Jackson in a biopic. Well, you can officially add the "I'm playing Mahalia Jackson in a biopic" excuse to your list of "what to tell nosy hos when your fetus sack is starting to grow." Because at a charity concert for the opening of an apartment complex in Jacksonville, FL yesterday, Fanny announced that she's got a God-given baby in her womb.

You know what perfect is? Perfect is Fanny announcing at the opening of an apartment complex in Florida that the married dick she met at a T-Mobile store knocked her up. Throw in two audience members bitch fighting over a few complimentary pens and you've got my kind of pregnancy announcement! Really, you almost expect Tyler Perry to come out on stage and take a bow for writing this mess.

YBF has a video (click here to see that mess) of Fanny conjuring up a whole lot of shaking heads and eye rolls when she stopped the open house festivities to say:

For a while I walked around figuring out what will they say and what will they think about me. But now I tell you I don't live my life for folk.

This child that I am carrying...... God has given me this child. And I don't have to hide it from none of y'all.

Fanny hasn't said who the father is, but you really don't need Maury to tell you that the seed that made her fetus came from Antwaun Cook. Fanny was knocked up with Antwaun's baby last year, but she had an abortion after she tried offing herself because his wife sued her for wrecking their home.

My favorite part is Fanny saying that God gifted her with that child. Listen, bitch, just because that dick makes you cum halos and holler so loud that it makes the angels' clits quiver doesn't give you the right to call Antwaun's peen "God." God is washing his hands (with spermicide) of this. Something that Antwaun should've done to his rubber-covered dick before he went balls deep.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say that our feelings about this Not Going To End Well shit are best expressed through the eloquent words of Aunt Bunny:

Back in 2009, several hos nearly knocked their hairlines up a few inches when they raised both brows over a then 19-year-old Aaron Johnson of Kick-Ass getting engaged to a then 42-year-old Sam Taylor-Wood. Hairlines crept up even further when Sam birthed out their first daughter Wylda Rae on July 7th of last year. And now Aaron is going to be a two time daddy at the age of 21, because Sam's 44-year-old womb is full of a fetus that is closer in age to its daddy than its mom is. So now instead of strangers saying to Sam "Your two children are so beautiful," she will now hear, "Your THREE children are so beautiful."

Sam's rep tells People that her fourth child, and Aaron's second, will fall off of her vagina slide later this year.

You know, if I was a 44-year-old movie director who looks like Toni Collette in a fun house mirror, I too would clasp around some 21-year-old dick and not let go until a baby head pushed it out. It's a win/win for Sam. Aaron's only 21 so he's got the natural energy to bottle feed the babies all day and then still have enough in him to peen feed Sam's chocha at night. So what if Aaron is obviously going to drop that cougar for a kitten in a couple of years, I say get that dick while it's hot.

That bump-hiding dog knows too, but the bitch ain't saying!

Is January Jones the last ho in Hollywood I ever thought would be struck with the curse (or as some more optimistically sunshiney people would say "blessing") of the BABIES!!!? No, that honor goes to Rip Torn (for many reasons), but January sure does come close. But if there's something 2011 has taught us is that you better not stand to a peen too close without covering yourself in a giant diaphragm first or you will find that your womb is now inhabited with a tiny human that will fart in your hand in 9 months. Just ask January Jones. She's knocked up and I'm not sure how this happened!

Out of the damn blue, January's rep announced to People that in a few months she'll have an adorable bundle of ice:

"January Jones is happy to announce that she is expecting her first child this fall."

A source tells People that January isn't saying who the father is, but she's planning on raising her new baby friend as a single mother!

Maury's gonna have the perfect show for sweeps, because it could be ANYONE! Like Jason Sudeikis! Or Bobby Flay (insert the ESCANDALO facial expression my abuelita made when the Catholic nun on her novella found out she was with child)! Or that creepy little child touching boy from Mad Men! No, we shouldn't waste our time with the guesses, because we all know it's Benicio Del Toro. He struck again.

Over at Popeater, they have a picture of a knocked up Kate Hudson sipping on what looks like red wine from a wine glass in the middle of a restaurant in Buenos Aires with her fiance Matt Bellamy and son Ryder. Of course, this has opened up a bottle of comments calling Kate a selfish drunk for turning her womb into a winery. You know, if you lumped all those comments into a mound and fermented them for a few days, you'd end up with a jar of 100 proof sweet nectar that would seep into the placenta. Then you'd have a delicious piece of booze meat to feast on after labor. Kate should think about this.

Popeater decided to get a medical opinion and asked an OB/GYN who doesn't treat Kate Hudson whether or not it's okay to drink a glass of wine while you're in a serious state of knocked up. The doctor, "Right now, no one really knows what amount of alcohol is harmful for the fetus, so it's recommended that you don't drink at all during pregnancy."

Jennifer Aniston can print that out and show it to everyone who asks her why her womb is closed off to fetuses. If I had a living thing kicking at my stomach walls and letting out a burp so big that my ass lips have to open up to let it out, I'd probably reach for a DRANK too. But since doctors do not approve of this, I'd redirect myself towards the bong instead (he didn't say anything about that!).

By the way, for those of you screaming that Kate is going to give birth to a drunk baby who will eat the world's supply of booze, this little bit of information might cool your shit. Kate was having dinner with BONO. Yup, the defense rests!

(Image via INFDaily.com)

For the (I lost count)th time in his life, KFed is going to be a dad. A source tells E! News that KFed's girlfriend of about 3 years Victoria Prince is 5 months knocked up with their first child together. KFed's sperm fishes can eat through a condom, so something tells me this was all part of the plan. If it wasn't, then Victoria needs to hire a better crane operator who will pull KFed off of her in time. Really, in the near future most of the population will be directly related to KFed, Lil' Wayne or a Duggar. We're doomed.

A rep for KFed (aka his favorite sandwich maker at Subway) wouldn't say anything about this, but the source says that they are "totally happy" about the news. The source adds that Brit Brit doesn't have much to say about it either because she's "focused on her work right now."

How is KFed going to get Brit to pay for this one too?! If you see a fat ho in a stork costume crawling up a ladder to Brit's bedroom window while carrying a baby doll and a new child support contract in his beak, you know what KFed is up to.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)