Knocked Up

When this picture hit my screen, I thought it was a gigantic butt. The same goes for the picture on the left. The breed machine formerly known as Tori the Hutt announced on her website (via UsWeekly) today that right after she birthed out her 5-month-old daughter Hattie McWhateverthatchildssecondnameis, another fetus checked into her vacant womb. Tori just couldn't let her Donna Martin breathe for a second before letting Dean stick it in again. Tori said this about the fourth cast member of her reality shit show empire:

Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.

Love,
Tori
xoxo

Tori Spelling's pussy stay looking like Donna Martin's drunk face. It's traumatized and not sure whether or not it wants to pass out or barf. Tori is obviously not thinking of her coochie, because it's bad enough that the poor thing has to look into the sleazy eye of Dean's dick all the time. Tori and Dean are also not thinking of us, because another baby means that there's another mouth to breastfeed, which means that Dean will obviously "accidentally" Tweet another picture of her (NSFW) naked post-feeding time tit.

Here's Reese Witherspoon leaving an eatin' place in Brentwood five days ago and this proves that a fetus has taken a lease out on her uterus for a few months, because pregnant women are the only kind of women in Hollywood who eat food in public and she's so desperate to cover up her baby growing area that she stole a memaw's gardening bag to do so. UsWeekly says that Reese and her husband of a year Jim Toth aren't ever going to announce their first BABY!!! together, so UsWeekly is doing it for them!

"Reese is right around 12 weeks. Reese and Jim have been trying to get pregnant. The timing is right. They're so happy!

Reese and Jim's adorable bundle of chin will be a brother or sister to her kids with Ryan Phillipe: 12-year-old Ava and 8-year-old Deacon.

Thanks to Jessica Simpson's wide open pie hole, I have come to expect that ALL celebrity mom types will spill every tiny little ass detail about their pregnancy. If Reese isn't going to ever talk about this to us, how will we know what her sex pregnancy orgasms are like or how she queefs every time her baby chin kicks her? I already feel cheated!

The rent is due on Kim Zolciak's new multi-million dollar mansion and so here she is proudly showing off her dollar sign fetus in this week's Life & Style. The wig-wearing Silicone whore walrus of The Real Trashwives of Atlanta birthed out her son Kroy Jagger ten months ago, but the AA batteries on her relevancy clock are almost drained, so she's pushing out another one while she can still collect a check from L&S. 33-year-old (HA!) Kim is four months pregnant and says that she and her husband Kroy Biermann completely planned this:

"Kroy and I are so excited. To decide we wanted to get pregnant again and have it happen so quickly was such a blessing.

People are going to be shocked, because nobody knows. I'm so excited that KJ will have a little buddy."

That means we're living in a world where a Kuntrashian, Snooki and Kim Zolciak are all carrying spawns at the same time. The celebrity money baby trifecta is complete and the world's power has shifted to the Illuminati. We're now asshole deep in the Fame Whore Age and it's only going to get darker. Don't believe me? Let me remind you of what happened the last time Kim was knocked up with a baby who is now being raised by nannies and reality show producers:

Not today. Not ever.

That is a look from a man who:

a) Knows his taste buds are officially destroyed after an air bomb from Jessica Simpson's ass landed on his tongue.

and

b: Is bracing himself for the possibility of getting knocked down by an explosion of BABIES!!!, Slutty Brownies and pregnant lady jizz.

Here's Jessica Simpson looking like an albino python in a yellow wig who swallowed a buffalo who swallowed a hippo who swallowed a pack of Giseles (the model, not the animal) who swallowed a dozen watering holes. Jessica has the entire Serengeti up in there. Even though Jessica is pregnant with the entire cast of The Lion King, I really have to hand it to her, and by "it" I mean a damn chair for her to sit her pregnant ass down! No, I really have to hand it to Jessica, because even though she's carrying 70 pounds of baby, she's still hitting the ho stroll hard by taking her bought bitch to the Panda Express to the stars Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last night.

Jessica proves that just because you're a swollen ball of horniness doesn't mean you can't put on a jacket made from Pier 1 placemats to take your piece to a restaurant where you'll gross everyone out by winking at your man while telling him that you want his double stuffed egg roll in a bad way.

Thanks to Demi Moore showing off her naked pregnant ass on Vanity Fair in 1991 and the technological advances of Photoshop, any knocked up celebrity trick thinks she can flash all her nooks and crannies on the cover of a magazine. Case in point: here's Jessica Simpson recreating "the Demi" for Elle's April issue. Elle must have dulled all their Photoshop tools while touching this up, because Jessica's baby balloon in its current state would need 2 pages to show it in its complete glory. That's some "after the fold" shit. Either that, or this picture was taken at week 6 before a steady pregnancy diet of blended funnel cakes and Pop Tart burgers caused her ass to grow to the size of a whale's fart bubble.

Jessica tells Elle that she knew something in the womb was a baby when she suddenly didn't feel like boozing and biking:

“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

Speaking of booze, not guzzling down any has been the hardest part of her pregnancy:

“Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

That last part really made me queef out a happy queef on the inside, because now I know that there will be another human on this planet who says "A BIG THING OF WATER."

Jessica also said that she's having a girl and she will eat a bowl of raw vegetables to her death if her daughter turns out to be a butch bitch:

“Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”

Jessica has already come up with a name, and she says it's not a Pilot Inspektor kind of weird and it will make sense to people. With those clues, I'm thinking Jessica will go with: Dayzee Macallana Simpson or A BIG THING OF BABY Simpson.

And I've never noticed Jessica's innie belly button before. Or maybe she's really an outie and it ran up into her belly after watching Papa Joe slobber on set.

Not since Jessie Spano overdosed on meth pills has her insides been this EXCITED!!! about anything. Elizabeth Berkley told TMZ yesterday that sometime this summer she's going to thrust thrust thrust out her first baby with her artist husband Greg Lauren. Yes, Greg Lauren is the romance novel cover beauty in the picture above. The wind is always blowing in Greg's luscious mane, his eyes are always sparkling like he can see the sun setting in your eyes and it's always 5 o'clock on his beard area. Nomi chose well.

Nomi's mouth birthed out this block of cheese about her baby news:

"In life there are moments you cherish forever and this is one of them. We are so excited to share this moment and special news! The baby is due this summer"

If Nomi doesn't name her kid "Versacye," I will never forgive her. I will also never forgive her if she doesn't have a pool birth and get Kyle McLachlan to be her lamaze partner, so they can recreate the pool flopping scene from Showgirls. AKA the greatest scene in the history of fine cinema.

Prepare yourselves for a spawn of John Mayer, because with the way things are going his David Duke jizz is going to knock up a ho in no time. It's a terrifying trend! Nick Lachey announced on Live with Kelly (via People) this morning that just like Tony Romo, he's an ex-piece of Jessica Simpson who is going to be somebody's father soon. Nick said that he and his wife Vanessa Minnillo are expecting a baby friend this summer or fall.

"She was in New York and I was in the Bahamas. She went to the store and got a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We're having a baby! This is the one thing that more than any other I've looked forward to, and it's overwhelming.

If it's a girl, I think it might be Sophia. If it's a boy, I'm not sure."

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe is trying to lure Jessica's unborn baby out with a deep fried Pop Tart and butter sandwich, because they need to beat Vanessa Minillowhatever and her unborn baby to the cover of People Magazine. But Jessica has been knocked up for so long that Vanessa's going to pop out her second and third kid while a fully developed adult leg hangs out of Jessica's cooch.

But seriously, this is wonderful news, because Nick Lachey's glorious leche mounds should not go to waste. Those man titties were made for breastfeedin'.

TMZ posted a picture today of Drew Barrymore and her fiancé Will Kopelman leaving a doctor's office in Beverly Hills last week and she's got a fresh out of the machine ultrasound scan in her hand. TMZ thinks that because Drew is an engaged woman she's no longer reaching for the rubber baby batter-blockers in the drawer of her nightstand, which means that her uterus has a NO VACANCY sign hanging over it. Makes sense to me. It also works for me, because I think Drew would be a good mom. I mean, a lot of moms I know talk to their babies in that weird lispy baby voice and Drew naturally talks in a weird lispy baby voice, so she's already one step ahead.

But let's examine that picture since we've got nothing else to do. Lift up your Detective La Toya-approved, I meant Detective Nancy Grace-approved magnifying glass and look at the picture at TMZ for a quick second. Here's a few things I noticed:

1. The lolly. Is it one of those Preggy Pops (I can't with that name) or do they usually give you lollipops after a sonogram? A doctor hasn't given me a lolly since I was a kid. No, that's not true. I got a lollipop the last time I had an HIV test, which sort of freaked me out. But everything freaks me out when I get an HIV test. The lab person could scratch her eyebrow while taking my blood and I'll automatically think: "OHMYGAWD. I have it. She can see it in my blood!" They probably gave me a lollipop, because I told them how many sexual partners I've had and they figured a lolly would distract my mouth from sucking on other things.

2. The Styrofoam cup. The Styrofoam cup really doesn't mean anything, but it does remind me of the cups from El Pollo Loco, which reminds me of this delicious drink they had (or still have) called Orange Bang. Orange Bang was like the saliva of a golden unicorn. I was addicted to getting Orange Banged. You could refill your cup with Orange Bang at the soda fountain yourself, so I went crazy. My mouth practically lived on the Orange Bang spigot. Then one day, one of the workers said to me, "No more Orange Bang for you!" To this day, that's still the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.

3. The sonogram scan. That doesn't look like a fetus to me. That looks like a fish.

So what we've learned is that Drew likes red lollipops and is knocked up with a shark fetus. Oh, and we also learned that I really need to get Orange Banged again. Case closed.

There are two reasons for why carrying a greedy, selfish fetus-shaped bundle of slobber for 9 months is a good thing. The first reason is that you can eat a deep fried chocolate burrito with cake batter sauce out in the open without judgmental hos dropping the gavel on you with their eyes. The second reason is that you get special treatment almost everywhere you go. People will give you their seat on the subway, some parking lots have special spaces for knocked up hos and even paraplegics will roll off of their wheelchairs so the pregnant lady can sit. Jessica Simpson was thinking she'd get this kind of special treatment when she waddled up to a popular Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, CA recently.

Star Magazine (via Radar) says there's always a long ass line to get into La Super-Rica Taqueria and Jessica thought she didn't have to wait because: a) She's Heffica Simpson; and b) People would feel guilty listening to her ankle bones crack while she stood in line behind them. Jessica tried to cut in front of the line, but nobody was having it. The source put it like this:

"Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn't want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner."

Those people made the smartest decision of their lives! Think about it with your nose. Without a baby in her belly, Jessica's farts melt contact lenses and will take two of your senses to dark, dark places. The taste of Jessica's butt burps will never leave your tongue until you rinse with bleach and your nostrils will shrivel down to the size of an ant's peen slit. Your nostrils won't have the will to go on anymore. Add a baby and Mexican food, and you've got the ingredients for the most destructive weapon on this planet. If North Korea ever gets too bold, we just have to roll Jessica to their borders, turn her around and then hand her a tub of Pintos 'N Cheese. The next thing you'd see is millions of North Koreans waving white flags while singing Kumbaya.

The waiting diners at La Super-Rica Taqueria know what I'm talking about. They were not about to let Jessica turn their delicious plate of chilaquiles into a plate of shitaquiles. Nope.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

When Sienna Miller announced that she is turning the motor off on her bull dozer vagina and is temporarily retiring from her position as everyone's favorite home wrecking hero to get married and have a baby, I didn't want to believe it. It's like if somebody told me that Pete Doherty was starting to bathe regularly with actual soap or that Prince Hot Ginge was seen buying a box of Feria for Men (in shade: black leather) for himself. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

There are so many more lives that need ruining and so many more houses that need to be torn in half by Sienna's wrecking ball clit. Sienna Miller would never change teams and move on over to the dark side by becoming one of them (read: married with children), or so I thought. But she has. Anakin Homewrecker has become Darth Mommy and these pictures of her at a W Magazine party in NYC prove this. I don't think Sienna's got a gut full of wedding rings she fucked off of married man after married man. I'm pretty sure there's a baby in there.

It's as if I've seen a picture of Tommy Girl in flats or a fully covered LeAnn Rimes. This is my unicorn sighting.