Knocked Up

It's the season of swollen everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if Anna Kournikova is knocked up with Enrique Iglesias' baby. Fertile cum is in the air! The New York Daily News claims that Anna didn't participate in the Malibu Triathlon last week, because she's got a 2-month-old fetus hanging out in her body.

Yes, they are still together after all these centuries. I know, I had to Google it for proof.

I know Enrique got his mole chewed off a while ago, but I hope his baby inherits it. Because let's be real, we need more mole babies.

VIA Showbiz Spy

About a month ago, Colin Farrell's Polish girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda-Curuś, was photographed strolling through an airport smuggling something in her womb area. Well, Colin Fertile has confirmed to UsWeekly that Alicia has come down with the BABIES!! and the child is his. This will be Colin's second baby friend. He already has a 5-year-old son with some model-type.

33-year-old Colin and 26-year-old Alicia only began dating earlier this year, so those hos worked fast. Seriously, whatever happened to freely fucking through the first year of your relationship without a baby interrupting the fun with their loud ass screams? Like I've said before, babies are buzz killers.

And Colin is going to wish he knocked up a chick with a shorter name when he writes her a child support check every month.

Here's Daddy Colin giving us those sessy drunk eyes at the Toronto International Film Festival this past weekend.

That giant oaf of a man Tom Brady burped out that his wife Gis Bundchen is currently housing a baby in her midlands section. Tom told ESPN (via People) that Gis will evict their baby sometime in December. This is Tom confirming the rumor from May about Gis being knocked up.

Tom said, "The women are the ones who have to do the work. We just have to be there to support them and so it'll be nice to do that." Well, be there to support them on every day but Sunday. Tom agreed to go to Lamaze classes with Gis, but told her, "No Sundays! It couldn't be harder than training camp, so I'll be prepared."

And Gis should get a lawyer to write up what her idea of "support" is, because methinks Tom's idea is very different. When Bridge Moynahan was knocked up, Tom supported her by riding Gis bareback. So, the more you know, Gis.....

Here's some pictures from last month of Gis bouncing around Boston while hiding her OMGSOHUGENORMOUS bump from the paps. It looks like she's carrying a fetus in her lips instead of in her belly area.

There's been a womb watch on Penny Cruz for a couple of months now. The rumors going around town (aka the internets) is that one of Javier Bardem's hunky sperm fish got down with one of Penny's ovaries creating a fetus tamale. All parties involved have kept their mouths shut about the subject. Some seem to think that the rumors are false, because she was photographed a couple of days ago smoking away at the Chateau Marmont.

At the premiere of her movie Broken Embraces at the Toronto International Film Festival last night, a reporter decided to ask Penny about the possible situation going on in her lady parts and she wasn't happy about it. According to People, Penny screamed, "That's your question?!" and then busted out of there.

So either: a) Penny does have the BABIES!! but doesn't feel like talking about it with strangers. b) Penny doesn't have the BABIES!! and isn't amused with hos thinking she's chunky in the belly area. c) Penny did have the BABIES!!!, but she doesn't anymore. Sad faces galore.

This is why you simply don't ask a trick if she's pregnant. I mean, whenever I'm sitting on the subway and see a possibly pregnant person standing up, I'm always afraid to offer up my seat. What if she's just fat and shanks me in the throat for assuming she's got a baby in there? Just keep your eyes down!

Here's Penny looking like she wrapped herself in a hospital bed sheet at her big premiere last night.

Last week, Christina Milian married something called The Dream (I still don't know) in an extravagant, over-the-top, expensive, dazzling (sarcasm) Las Vegas wedding. Well, it turns out these two lovebirds made it legal because Christina has come down with the BABIES!!!! Cut to my chola cousin saying, "Been there, done that, girl."

Although, a source-type is telling UsWeekly that they were going to get married anyway before finding out Christina's womb is occupied, "The pregnancy was a surprise, but they were getting married regardless."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep blowing pregnant farts in our eyes, we know why you got hitched. But that doesn't matter anymore. What really matters is what Christina and The Dream are going to name their new baby friend! These are the two that have the power to dethrone Sparrow James Midnight Madden as having the most ridiculous celebrity baby name of '09. I'm thinking "Dream Alittle The Dream."

Ellen Pompeo might be the new Bridget Moynahan/Mary Louise-Parker. You see, Star Magazine says that while Ellen currently is baking one of those baby loafs in her womb oven, her 41-year-old husband Chris Ivery is out getting loose with a teenager. So while Ellen is in Lamaze class, Chris is also practicing his heavy breathing while his peen is poking a teenager's vagina. Okay.

Chris' alleged mistress, 19-year-old Rachel Artz, said she met him back in May at the Boston-area restaurant she works at. Rachel said, "Yes, I had sexual relations with Chris. We were intimate several times." Sexual relations? Who the hell does Rachel think she is? Bill Clinton? Drop the proper-talk and speak like a real slut. You all fucked! Let's be real with each other.

A few sources added that Chris and Rachel did illegal sexy times at different hotels in Boston as well as his house on Martha's Vineyard. One source said, "Chris promised Rachel that he'd make her a star — that's his lure. Chris often took calls from Ellen in front of Rachel and talked about their baby-to-be. He didn't seem to like Ellen much when he talked about her. He made her seem like a diva."

While I'm not saying I don't believe this mess, I will say that Rachel needs to come harder (not like that). I'm going to need pictures, videos, measurements, DNA samples, etc... etc...

Any ole' crazy slut can run down the street screaming, "I FUCKED ANDERSON COOPER" (Yeah, that was me), so Rachel is going to need to hand over a brightly-lit color picture of Chris' fully erect peen for us to believe her.

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Lisa Loeb still exists! AND she's going to have one of those baby things. The bad news is that now that "Stay" song will probably be the soundtrack in your head for the rest of the day. I don't know my father's birthdate, but I do know every lyric to this song. Anyyoucantalksoallthetimeso......

Lisa's manager (Yes, she still has one of those) confirmed that she's expecting a baby friend with her husband Roey Hershkovitz, "They're excited to welcome their first child this winter."

And there you go! I'm sure you'll forget about this monumental news in about 2 seconds, but I bet you will have THAT SONG violating your brains over and over again all day.

Colin Farrell's girlfriend, Polish actress Alicja Bachleda-Curuś, either swallowed an entire Honey Baked Ham whole or she's got a baby brewing in her baby. I'm going to go with the latter, because Alicja has a look on her face like: "Ya, I got this." Oh, yes she does and I'm jealous of the ho.

If Alicja does have a case of the babies and Colin is the father, then the child will be his second. Colin has a 5-year-old son named Colin with Kim Bordenave.

Colin and Alicja met on the set of the movie Ondine. They have apparently been dating for only 7-months, which means shit got serious really fast. But if you were dating Colin, you'd wrap your fuck parts around his peen rod and wouldn't let go until a baby pushed it out. Truth.

VIA Pudelek

Kourtney Kardashian is 5-months pregnant and the father is her on-and-off-again boyfriend Scott Disick (the "s" is silent). Kourtney is currently working the famewhore stroll to not only promote her fetus, but to also push that reality show she did with accidental coke snatcher Khloe Kardashian. During a radio interview with Ryan Gaycrest this morning, Kourtney talked about how she got pregnant:

"This probably sounds so dumb, but there's so many times I'll forget to take my pill and I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's just so stupid."

Our government has let us down, because any famewhore with the last name Kardashian, Montag, Hilton or Hogan should have to eat, drink, inject and breathe birth control pills all day and night. Even the dudes. It should be a law. And if they forget just once, they should be jailed for the rest of their lives where their mouths will be strapped to an automatic birth control pill feeding machine.

VIA UsWeekly

Oh, well fuck. One of those Kardashian hos went and got themselves knocked up! E!'s Marc Malkin is saying that Kourtney "The Other One" Kardashian has a BABY!!!! growing in her womb. The father is apparently Khloe Kardashian. I told that bitch to pull out! No, the father is really Claire Cruise. Joking again! Apparently, Kourtney isn't saying who the father is. Probably because she doesn't know. Call Maury!

A few days ago, E! asked her if she was back with her ex-boyfriend Scott, she said, "You're going to have to see on the show." Coincidentally, Kourtney's reality show debuts on E! this weekend.

Yeah, Kourtney should name her baby "Ratings Ploy Kardashian."

Image: Bauer Griffin