I don't know whether it's the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don't touch the stuff because I'm lactose intolerant.
You know, I don't even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei's b-hole, she'll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she's injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.
Here's CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during "Send in the Clowns" at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.
CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here's a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can't either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.
I haven't seen All About Steve, because unlike me, my DVD player is not a filthy nasty whore who sucks on absolutely anything you put in its mouth. If I shove All About Steve in its mouth, it will spit that shit out as if it was a smoker's jizz load. So because of that I'm not sure if Sandra Bullock really gave Milk of Magnesia's shittiest performance by an actress in a movie, but the Razzie voters thinks so and named her THE WORST for her awful work in All About Steve. And Sandra kept her promise by showing up in person to accept her award last night.
Sandra also brought along a wagon full of All About Steve DVDs for everyone to watch and rethink their decision. Sandra said, "I brought the shooting script. I'm willing to go through page by page, read the line the way I did it in the film and, if anyone wants to give me a line read of how I could've done it better…. We can do this till about 4 o'clock in the morning. Or you guys can just watch the movie and rethink your decision, and I'll show up next year and we can go out for a drink afterward."
Okay, Sandy, you win this time. I'll go ahead and give you an awkward half-hug (our boobs won't touch) for this. However, when your ass wins an Oscar tonight (UGH. AND UGH) for that after-school special, I will go back to throwing you shade. But let's cherish this moment in the meantime.
And here's the rest of the Razzie losers:
WORST PICTURE: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
WORST ACTORS: All three Jonas Brothers, "Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience"
WORST ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock, "All About Steve"
WORST SCREEN COUPLE: Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper, "All About Steve"
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Billy Ray Cyrus, "Hannah Montana: The Movie"
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Sienna Miller, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"
WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL (Combined Category for 2009): "Land of the Lost"
WORST DIRECTOR: Michael Bay, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
WORST SCREENPLAY: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, based on Hasbro’s Transformers Action Figures
WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE: "Battlefield Earth"
WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE: Eddie Murphy, "Adventures of Pluto Nash," "I Spy," "Imagine That," "Meet Dave," "Norbit," "Showtime"
WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE: Paris Hilton, "The Hottie and the Nottie," "House of Wax," "Repo: The Genetic Opera"
This weekend in Los Angeles, there's going to be an award show held every damn half hour. I think Denny's is giving out their Rooty Tooty Fresh In Movies Awards this afternoon (hosted by Kirstie Alley's nutritionist). Last night was the Independent Spirit Awards, which honors independent spirits or some shit.
Precious was the big (no pun intended) last night picking up a million awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress for Gabourey Sidibe, Best Supporting Actress for Mo'nique, Best Screenplay, and Best Performance By A Plate of Hairy Pig's Feet (which surprisingly did not go to Mimi). Unfortunately, those dumb bitches didn't give a nod to Mimi's stache, which was the real star of that movie. However, Mimi still showed up to sprinkle her Hello Kitty ho-ness all over the event....and because she heard the bottle pop.
Other awards went to Jeff Bridges in Cray-Cray Heart for Best Actor and Woody Harrelson in The Messenger for Best Supporting Actor.
And now for pictures! In order: Mimi, Maggie GyllenSAAG with Peter Sarsgaard, Pierce Brosnan with his wife Keely, Roger Ebert with his wife Chaz, The Beaver Director Jodie Foster (that's her new full name now), Mo'nique (and her furry caterpillar stems) with her husband Sidney, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, Mena Suvari, Lenny Kravitz with his daughter Zoe, Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, Jennifer Grey (A MESS), John Waters and Jeff Bridges.
Robert Pattinson showed up to the BAFTAs in London last night looking like he accidentally grabbed the lube bottle instead of the bottle of Dep gel. We've all made that mistake before (just nod like you mean it), but this is absolutely dreadful. It's like his scalp is crying greasy hair tears. Maybe this is the result of his allergic reaction to vaginas. I mean, James Cameron was there.
RPattz could've at least thrown a Bumpit in there for a little height. The sparkle vamp isn't the same unless he looks like he just chewed on a live wire. Hopefully, this is just a one-time fuck up and the unicorns will be back soon to frolic. Moving on...
Everyone seems to think that the big surprise of the BAFTAs was that The Hurt Locker won a bunch of shit. But to me, the biggest surprise was that Kristen Stewart actually won something, and it wasn't for Best Impersonation of a Cardboard Cutout.
Here's some of the winners last night, click here for a full list.
Best Film: The Hurt Locker
Outstanding British Film: Fish Tank
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air
Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man
Best Actress: Carey Mulligan, An Education
Best Supporting Actor: Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, Precious
Rising Star: Kristen Stewart
And here's a few pictures of the winners, losers and those who were just there for a free gift bag. They are: RPattz, Carey Mulligan, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Gabourey Sidibe, Guy Pearce, two late-in-life lesbians in love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers with his girlfriend Reena, Kate Winslet, Clive Owen with Kathryn Bigelow, Kristen Stewart, Matt Dillon, Loki's true soulmate with his fiance Elena, Prince Willy and Tom Ford.
The Oscar nominations were announced this morning, and this year there are 10 picks for Best Picture. This means that they will have to set-up folding chairs in the parking lot outside of the Kodak Theater for all the damn nominees! Chicken Cutlets still better be the premiere seat filler INSIDE the theater.
There's really not that many surprises. Sandra Bullock and The Blind Side (FOR WHY?!!!!) both got nominated. Tilda Swinton, who was dripping in white trash glamour in Julia, did not. Neither did Julianne Moore. But everything else was pretty much business as usual. The only nomination I truly give two hard shits about is MO'NIQUE'S!!!!!!!!!! Nobody can drop an analog TV down a stairwell like she can!
Picture her doing this while watching the nominations (instead of the watching The $10,000 Pyramid) this morning:
The academy finally did right by Mo'Nique! We all know she really deserved an Oscar statue for her work in Phat Girlz, so this is the academy's way of fixing their WRONG. Better late than never.
Here's some of the nominations for the main categories. Avatardy For The Party and The Hurt Locker (Ouch) got the most nominations with 9 each.
The Blind Side
The Hurt Locker
A Serious Man
Up in the Air
Kathryn Bigelow - The Hurt Locker
James Cameron - Avatar
Lee Daniels - Precious
Jason Reitman - Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino - Inglourious Basterds
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:
Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart
George Clooney - Up in the Air
Colin Firth - A Single Man
Morgan Freeman - Invictus
Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Sandra Bullock - The Blind Side
Helen Mirren - The Last Station
Carey Mulligan - An Education
Gabourey Sidibe - Precious
Meryl Streep - Julie & Julia
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Matt Damon - Invictus
Woody Harrelson - The Messenger
Christopher Plummer - The Last Station
Stanley Tucci - The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Basterds
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Penelope Cruz - Nine
Vera Farmiga - Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal - Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air
Mo'Nique - Precious
Neill Blomkamp and - District 9
Nick Hornby - An Education
Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci and Tony Roche - In the Loop
Geoffrey Fletcher - Precious
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner - Up in the Air
Mark Boal - The Hurt Locker
Quentin Tarantino - Inglourious Basterds
Oren Moverman and Alessandro Camon - The Messenger
Joel and Ethan Coen - A Serious Man
Pete Docter and Bob Peterson - Up
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:
Ajami - Israel
El Secreto de sus Ojos - Argentina
The Milk of Sorrow - Peru
Une Prophéte - France
The White Ribbon - Germany
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM:
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
The Secret of the Kells
Click here to see a full list.
(Mo'Nique gif via FourFour)
At tonight's Grammy Awards, Lady CaCa tucked her peen, squeezed her nalgas and welcomed us into something called The Fame Factory (which is also what OctoMom calls her uterus). Yeah, she calls it The Fame Factory, but bitch needs more people. That's the old set from the Batman Stunt Show at Six Flags Magic Mountain! You can throw a bunch of dancing uncut penises around it, but we all know the truth.
You know, I was going along with this rhinestone bath house revue co-starring Elton John, until my friend caused me to turn inside/out from dry heaving so hard by writing me this on IM: "GaGa is our modern day JEM!" This "friend" can cross me off the list of people to call when he gets arrested for public indecency, because JEM! is an 80s Jesus. When the word "fuckery" makes the Webster's Dictionary, that sentence can be published as an example.
And here's a few pictures of CaCa looking like the Wicked Witch of the West stole Glinda's custom-made gown for the Slinky convention.
If you're going to attend, watch or even think about the Golden Globes, then it's best if you do it with the sweet nectar running through your veins. Julia Roberts knew this, so that's why she did body shots off of herself in the limo on the way to Golden Globes. And THANK ANDRE she did.
While talking to Billy Bush on the red carpet, Julia Roberts started her drunk act by giving a shout out to Michelle Obama. I'm sure Julia also sent Michelle a Balloon-O-Gram during homeroom.
Since butt fucking NBC with a hot curling iron was the theme of the evening, Julia gave them a hard thrust when she said, "NBC, you guys are in the toilet!" HA. That drunk bitch. When Julia was slumped over the toilet at the end of the night, I hope she was polite enough to ask the peacock to move over a bit before she barfed the booze up.
And finally, Julia ended her boozy serenade by asking Billy, "Who's Natalie?!" That was actually one of the realest things that came out of Julia's Boones Farm-scented mouth, because I don't think Natalie even knows who Natalie it.
We all know I'm gayer than Johnny Weir's Swarovski anal ring, but every time I see Christina Hendricks, my eyeballs immediately turns into a dehydrated baby. And last night was no exception. Christina's ethereal breasteseseseses made her dress look like a cloud of peach parfait that was whipped up in heaven by the hands of cherubs.
For a split millisecond, I actually forgot such a thing as peen existed (ILLEGAL, I know). But then the camera panned to the flaccid penis known as Billy Bush, so I was brought back down to reality again.
I'm going to print out this picture of Christina, show it to my bed pillows and scream, "BE MORE LIKE THIS!"
At last night's Art of Elyslum's charity gala in Los Angeles, Kat Von D crawled onto the red carpet looking like a mini-mall plastic surgeon gave her the "Prostitution Whore Special" in the face. Seriously, if you put a merkin over forehead, squint eyes and then flip your table, your computer will end up on the floor. But before it does, you'll briefly see Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey staring back at you instead of Kat Von D.
Kat's eyebrows look like they fell in love with her hairline at first sight and are heading north to be with it. Bitch has "I Can Haz" face.
Here's more hos who put on their artfag face last night including: MiserAlba, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth, Brenda Walsh, FrankenLiza, one of those Olsen trolls, Sookeh with Beeehl, Katy Perry with Russell Brand, Dita Von Teese and Tater Head.
Leading up to the Oscars, there's ten million award shows where hos slip into something sparkly, spray their wet parts with perfume and make sure their titties sit up real nice. And I'm just talking about the dudes. Anyway, last night the hos of Hollywood wore their prom best for the Critics Choice Awards, which honors blah blah in blah blah for blah blah.
When Bradley Cooper opened the envelope to announce the winner of Best Actress in a Film, he declared that it was a TIE! Sandy Bullock (for The Blind Side) and Meryl Streep (for Julie & Julia) both won. Sandy must have left her chola attitude in George Lopez's green room, because if she still had it with her, she would've taken a razor out of her hair and cut Meryl.
Instead, Sandy and Meryl kissed like the Simpson family on Christmas morning. Well, almost like the Simpson family. Sandy didn't use tongue. Sandy doesn't even kiss her husband with tongue before the sun sets, so it's not surprising that she didn't French on Meryl.
Here's hoping that Sandy and Meryl have started a trend. At this Sunday's Golden Globes, I'm crossing my ass lips that George Clooney and Colin Firth tie for Best Actor. And if they do, they better take those panties off and touch tongues! It's the new way. Hell, I'd even settle for Morgan Freeman and Jeff Bridges.
Below is the clip of Meryl and Sandy's G-rated lezzie lip-lock.
And here's some pictures of hos from last night's show including: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, John Cho, Zachary Quinto, an escaped grizzly bear from the zoo, Emily Blunt, Sandy B, Kristin Chenoweth, Marion Cotillard, Purdy Zac Efron, Morgan Freeman with his ladyfreeend, Heather Graham, some virgin, Edward Gayhands, Heather Mills' voodoo doll, Mo'Nique with her piece, Carey Mulligan, Zoe Saldana and Gabourey Sidibe.