Award Shows

Did the Golden Globes ballots get mixed up with the Razzie ballots or did Maddox become the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association without us knowing about it, because the critical and box office flopsterpiece The Tourist got 3 nominations this morning! We now know who was smoking salvia with Miley Cyrus.

AND The Tourist got all their nominations in the comedy categories including Best Comedy/Musical, Best Actress Comedy and Best Actor Comedy. Is that mess even a comedy or did their accents push it into LOL section? And AND Johnny Depp also got nominated for playing Madge and Carrot Top's acid baby in Alice in Wonderland.

If they really want St. Angie to grace their event with her holiness, they should've just made Shiloh, Zahara or Vivi Miss Golden Globe 2010. There was no need to throw her ass a nomination. On the other hand, seeing her vein pop as she throws a divine cuntface when she loses is going to be a religious experience.

But the movie comedy categories overall are a damn mess. The comedy nominations are funnier than any of the movies nominated. The HFPA has made it easy for the Razzie committee. I mean, Alice in Wonderland, The Tourist, Burlesque and Love & Other Drugs? I'm surprised they didn't go FULL FUCKERY by throwing Sex and the City 2 and The Bounty Hunter in there. They Razzie committee can just use the movie comedy ballot as their nomination list and take the rest of the year off. The HFPA did all the work for them!

Anyway, The King's Speech got the most movie nominations with 7, followed by The Social Network and The Fighter with 6 each. On the TV side, Glee got the most with 5 nominations. The really long list of noms is after the jump. GO MELISSA LEO! GO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (Ha and Ha)! JUMP!

Since Charo's cuchi cuchi thrusts are way too hot for primetime and the producers of the Academy Awards can't afford to pay for the booze on Betty White's rider, they have pulled two random names out of the Oscar statute's ass and have asked them to host next year's show.

Deadline Hollywood says that James Franco, who will probably be nominated for 127 Hours, and Anne Hathaway, who will probably be nominated for a Razzie for Love and Other Drugs or Valentine's Day, will host the Oscars together next year!!! BRAND NEW DRINKING GAME! Every time a song bursts out of Anne Hathaway's mouth, do a shot! And every time James Franco jokes about being a stoner, do a pot brownie shot! This is a win! Here's the official statement from the producers:

"James Franco and Anne Hathaway personify the next generation of Hollywood icons— fresh, exciting and multi-talented. We hope to create an Oscar broadcast that will both showcase their incredible talents and entertain the world on February 27. We are completely thrilled that James and Anne will be joining forces with our brilliant creative team to do just that.”

At first I was like "HUH!?", but then I remembered James Franco saying that he can't keep his hands off his dick. The Oscars are about 127 hours long (give or take a few days), so that means we'll most likely get at least a dozen shots of James' hand hugging his peen. And his nutsack better wear a bow tie. It's the OSCARS! Have some fucking decorum, please!

Phoebe Price is an international supermodel who has toplined the most prestigious food court fashion shows in Perris and has graced the cover of a dozen fashion magazines published by a Knott's Berry Farm photo booth, so I really shouldn't question her style choices, but what in the name of the coat of many colors does she have on her truly exquisite body?!

Did a two-headed crow attack her in the head which caused her to fall and get tangled up in the backyard clothesline of a lady who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of fugly ass bedspreads? PP is a goddess molded from a mound of ground chipolte chicken, and that dress is not worthy of her beauty.

With all that being said, Chicken Cutlets was still the best dressed at last night's American Mess Awards. I mean, look at her competition:

Ke$ha - Bitch's dress looks the inside of my broke Boom Box after it chewed on and warped one of my Alice Cooper tapes. No points for those stud brows.
Nicki Minaj - Is she wearing the skeleton of one RPattz's golden unicorns? This is not a total fail since her hair is looking like a yellow & green Jello parfait.
The Smiths sans Will - Have the Smith family recently checked the batteries on their carbon monoxide detectors, because that's the only reasonable explanation for this kind of foolery.
RiRi - An extra clotty tampon comes to mind....
Taylor Swift or Kat Stacks?
Johnny Weir - His beauty is almost on par with Phoebe's so there's no shade to throw.
Will.I.Cant - Really, I can't anymore.
The dude from Train - When he performed last night, his pants sparkled like Edward Cullen's peen under a spotlight.

Actually, since I put it that way the dude from Train gets best dressed. PP is a close second!

The red green carpet at The Latin Grammy Awards is always a field covered with delicate flowers whose petals are touched with the finest crystals found in a Michael's sale bin and they did not disappoint this year. Mostly that's because d'Manti chose to rise out of the lotus flower she lives in and grace us with her presence. d'Manti's website tells me that she's a singer, dancer, actress and born entertainer, and her style tells me that she's the kind of elegant lady who will only address you if you oh-so-gently kiss the top of her hand first.

The top of d'Manti says "third runner-up in Spearmint Rhino's Dancing with the Strippers contest" and the bottom says "Gay Al Reynolds' favorite ridin' outfit." The down south pearl necklace is the perfect touch. And d'Manti has so much glamour to give that she changed into a "Carrie does the Ice Capades" dress and walked the carpet again. I must bow.

And as much as it pains me in the soul to say this, I'm sure the sequins on Charo's gown dimmed in honor of d'Manti when she sashayed by. The Queen of the NIGHT!

Those lucky enough to bask in d'Manti's perfectly manicured beauty were: Jesus Albert Miranda Perez, Skeletor and JLo, CHARO!!!, Elvis Crespo, Hebe Carmargo, Jossie Cordoba, the Cuban Rainbow Brite known as Lucrecia and Paloma San Basiliio.

As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger's bus hoping she'll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that'll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.

And you can almost smell the matin' odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He's ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray's main mullet fluffer.

Here's a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley, Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.

Yeah, I know I should be drunkblogging the MTV VDs right now, but I'm on every brand of allergy medication and the last time I mixed antihistamines with the sweet nectar it ended in horrific results. I passed out on a friend of a friend's couch and woke up a few hours later with one of my shoes off. JUST ONE SHOE OFF! I probably wouldn't have flinched if I woke up with bleeding nipples and a rubber oven mitt up my asshole (it happens), but the one shoe thing was disturbing. It's like he tried to be nice by taking off my shoes, but quit that bitch as soon as my foot stank made his nostrils weep. Or maybe he just needed to hump the one foot. I don't know, but it left me with a million questions and no answers. But I'm digressing in a serious way...

In the opening skit with Chelsea Handler tonight, Lindsay Lohan once again tried to get in on the joke by making fun of her drunken acts of crackery. Since LiLo is apparently the epitome of sober right now, she should never ever watch this clip. About 3 seconds into it, I had to press pause and snort another line of Claritin to get through it.

And you know White Oprah was off camera screaming at the producers that the Lohans don't take checks. They only get paid in cash or blank prescription pads.

If you've ever wanted to know what the pastel tears of a gay unicorn looks like, you can go through my trash can to find my used Kleenexes from my nightly "WHY ME?" cry on the bathroom floor. Or you can just get a good look at Betty White's dress which she is wearing to the Emmys (or the Bettys as they should be called) tonight.

All those journalists who were going to stay up until dawn tonight trying to figure out who was the hottest bitch at the Emmys tonight can send Betty White a thank you basket, because she has made their job easier. If Betty is not at the top of every best dressed list tomorrow, then it's confirmed that Satan walks amongst us. I mean, how can Betty not be at the top? Not only does she have the spirit of Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia dancing in pastel across her dress, but she also looks like the grandma of the gay groom at a Palm Springs wedding circa 1983. Also, it's not a party until you're wearing a pearl necklace and Betty is showing us that. This is a candy-coated fucking win!

And here's some other hot pieces from tonight including: Jon Hamm with his wife Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Colfer, James Lipton (and his gorgeous wife who gets best dressed runner-up), Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin with Mama Maggie, LAFAYETTE!!!! and Tina Fey.

Since Betty White's plate was much too full to attend the Creative Arts Emmys last night, somebody had to bring the glamour in heavy doses and So You Think You Can Dance's Mia Michaels did just that. It's as if Mimi from Drew Carey time traveled back to the Victorian era and got a job as a professional mourner. Anybody who looks like the 80s pulled up its ruffled skirt and scooted all over their eyes IS DOING IT RIGHT.

Bitch is screaming "Glamour and Glitter, Fashion and Fame!" with her eyes. Actually, she's softly whispering it since she's squinting like Renee Zellweger giving head to a Sour Patch Kid.

And if Mia's whole look is way too "new wave graveyard witch" for you, then get yourself a knapsack and venture into Val Kilmer's Beau Bridges' thick follicle forest:

Those eye shrubs almost look like two fat otters playing chicken. If Beau is ever feeling charitable, he could donate half a brow to a porn star in need of a landing strip.

Here's more pictures of bitches stomping all over the red carpet yesterday. In order: Mia Michaels, the ginger chichi queen Christina Hendricks, Alan Cumonthatsuitandthrowitaway, Kristen Chenoweth with Kathy Griffin, Jon Hamm, Derek Hough, Jane Lynch, Wanda Sykes with her wife Alex, Lily Tomlin and Robin Williams with his full-time back hair brusher Susan Schneider.

The Creative Arts Emmys (or the Schmemmys as Kathy Griffin has officially dubbed them) is the Emmys' grown step sister who still sits at the children's table even though her ass cheeks don't fit on the tiny stool anymore. Well, she temporarily got up from the children's table last night for her big moment in the spotlight. And she didn't disappoint, because she did the right thing by honoring international treasure Betty White for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live!

Unfortunately, Betty wasn't there to accept her award, because the show cut into her nap time and nothing is more important than nap time. No, Betty didn't go because she gets tired of people throwing themselves at her feet and handing over their babies (or trophies) for her to bless.

Surprisingly enough, Betty didn't win every award last night. Illegal, I know. Others won too. Here's just some of the winners (full list here):

Best Guest Actress in a Comedy: Betty White, "Saturday Night Live"

Best Choreography: Mia Michaels, "So You Think You Can Dance"

Best Voiceover Performance: Anne Hathaway, "The Simpsons"

Best Main Titles Design: "Bored to Death"

Best Main Title Theme Music: "Nurse Jackie"

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series: John Lithgow, "Dexter" (he accidentally thanked HBO instead of Showtime!)

Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: Neil Patrick Harris, "Glee"

Best Variety Writing: "Colbert Report"

Best Commercial: "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like • Old Spice Body Wash"

Best Reality Program: "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution"

Best Reality Host: Jeff Probst, "Survivor"

Best Guest Actress in a Drama Series: Ann-Margret, "Law & Order: SVU" (she receives the only standing ovation of the night)

And here's some pictures of the winners including: Neil Patrick Harris double fisting, Ann-Margaret, John Lithgow, Gaycrest, Isaiah Mustafa (with Jon Hamm), and Jeff Probst with his girlfriend Sheetal Sheth.

The earthquake in Southern California yesterday was God's way of warning Hollywood that they better do right by his personal angel Betty White at this morning's Emmy Nominations. And they didn't, so those bitches better stop, drop and roll. Oh wait, that's what you do when a flame hops on your back. Well, they should do that anyways, because I won't be surprised if a bolt of lighting (or an angry gay aka me) is headed their way.

Yes, Betty White received ONE LITTLE nomination for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live, but we all know she should've been nominated in EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY. Best Stunt Coordination? Betty should've been nominated! Best Technical Direction? Betty should be sitting in that category too.

Kanye West should be shouting about how the Emmys hate Betty White People. White Oprah should be issuing statements on how this is so unfair to do this to such an innocent child. While I organize the BOYCOTT THE EMMYS movement (not really), you can shake your fist or do the dick slappy dance at the nominees below. They are recognizing Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, so I'll give them that. The full list is here.

OUTSTANDING DRAMA
Lost
Breaking Bad
Dexter
Mad Men
True Blood
The Good Wife

OUTSTANDING COMEDY
Glee
Modern Family
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Nurse Jackie
30 Rock
The Office
Curb Your Enthusiasm

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Mariska Hargitay (Special Victims Unit)
Glenn Close (Damages)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
January Jones (Mad Men)
Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Matthew Fox (Lost)

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lea Michele (Glee)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
John Slattery (Mad Men)
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
Martin Short (Damages)
Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)
Michael Emerson (Lost)
Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)
Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
Rose Byrne (Damages)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)
Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)
Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)

OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW (COMPETITION)
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing with the Has-Beens
Project Runway
Top Chef

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristen Chenoweth (Glee)
Jane Lynch (Two and a Half Men)
Christine Baranski (The Big Bang Theory)
Elaine Stritch (30 Rock)
Tina Fey (SNL)
Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)
Betty White (SNL)

The above picture is from Betty's new calendar which comes out in September. Proceeds go to the Morris Animal Foundation. I'm sure it will be nominated for a Pulitzer Award next year.