Award Shows

These two in the same building together?! How can the people around them stand it? I would love my mind and go postal. I can imagine Katherine Heigl and Cameron Diaz meeting for the first time. They probably giggle, screech, wave their hands ferociously for a few seconds without saying anything. They burst into fake fits. Then they hug and walk away while saying to their assistants, "That ugly bitch! She wants to be me so bad it fucking hurts."

Katherine looks like an 80s sitcom queen and Cameron looks like she's wearing a dress made out of napkins.

This is turning out to be one of the most boring Oscars red carpets ever. Where the hell are the hideously tacky dresses?! I was hoping Hilary Swank would come out wearing a dress made out of hay or something. She stuck with boring black. I love her ass though. She looks like a goth pony. I've also thrown in some Jennifer Garner, because she could be Hilary's twin.

I'm praying that Sally Kirkland drops from the hot wreck heavens and saves this carpet!

It's Jane Fucking Russell! Finally a really damn movie star. I think my butt just exploded in gayness. All these little movie whores need to step out of the way. A real star has entered the carpet. Yes, she looks like Dorothy Zbornak's twin, but she's still a hot piece.

No, she probably really did hit the carpet with her first, because she was mad at it. Bitch is a grouch! Jessica Alba just had her moment with Ryan Gaycrest and he asked her if she was going to breastfeed. I swear she was thinking of spitting in his face and then calling him a "dumb homo." She was thinking about it! Cash is brain dead. No, I really think he is. Either that or he's afraid to say anything, because MiserALBA will freeze his checking account and stop his credit cards if he effs with her.

The dress is alright if you're into wine vomit.

Disney whores are everywhere! They are even taking over the Oscars! Hannah Montana is there tonight, because Jon Stewart wanted the richest horse in the business to gallop on in. I'm joking! Well, she does have some horse teeth.

Miley was just on E! with her mom and I swear that woman wanted to do Ryan Gaycrest. She was fingering his butt hole with her eyes. Speaking of her eyes, I kept wanting Miley's mom to smile with her eyes, but I realized it's not possible. Bitch can only frown with her eyes. Downs eyes.

John Travolta's head or his face? I will felch the bitch that takes a towel and rubs it on Travolta's head. That towel would look like a dirty diaper, because his head is covered in shit! I always wondered who bought that canned hair. It's Travolta! And let's talk about the face! Maybe she's born with it? Maybe it's Travolta.

He told Ryan Gaycrest that he does the red carpet for his wife, Kelly Preston. PLEASE! That old queen couldn't sleep last night, he was so giddy to do the carpet. He couldn't wait to sashay chante down the red.

George Clooney brought his lovely robot, Sarah Larson, to the Oscars tonight and I swear this chick doesn't speak. I was watching her on E! and bitch just laughed the whole time. I think I love her. I know what this bitch is up to! Hurry Sarah, get knocked up! Trap that Clooney.

He could have bought her ass a better dress though. You can get that shit at Pearl River in NYC. I also threw in a picture of Cojo, because it wouldn't be the Oscars without him!

Lindsay Lohan and "I Know Who Killed Me" swept the Razzies today winning 8 awards! Lindsay personally took home Worst Actress and Worst Screen Couple (with herself). She has a lot to be proud of! Congratulations Lindsay! Your bad decisions and slut moves finally won you something. I can't wait for White Oprah's response. She's probably ferociously writing one right now on her Precious Moments stationary. Here's the rest of the winners:

Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy, Norbit
Worst Actress (tie): Lindsay Lohan (as Aubrey) and Lindsay Lohan ( as Dakota), I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Supporting Actress: Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia), Norbit
Worst Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong), Norbit
Worst Screen Couple: Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Rip-Off: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Sequel: Daddy Day Camp
Worst Director: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Screenplay: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Excuse For A Horror Movie: I Know Who Killed Me

For her wins, Lindsay Lohan will be awarded with two dazzling gold painted awards valued at $5. I Know Who Killed Me also shattered Razzie records with the most wins (8). Showgirls and Battlefield Earth previously held the honor with 7!

Go out and celebrate, Lindsay. Get drunk and get laid. She was probably going to do that anyway, but at least she has a reason now.

Amy Wino performed at the Brit Awards tonight where she once again brought her Betty Boop moves and heroin shake. She also kept pulling up her skirt and I was afraid I was going to see Wino's winehole! I'm going to need her to autograph a few pictures, so I can trade it in for a bag of "Joey" and snort it before I see images of her coochie. Actually, give me that bag of Joey anyway. I'm watching her performance and it's making me nervous. It's like watching a lie detector graph go up and down. You're not sure where it's going to land.

She also performed with Mark Ronson along with Adele and Daniel Merriweather. She's not in tune with the music, but I won't hold that against her. I'm still entertained by her dazed eyes and acid cartoon moves. She also mentions Blaaake again! Get off the Blaaake dick Wino! I can guarantee you the dick don't work. Especially after he's ODed in the clink!

VIA ONTD

Natalie Cole is upset that Wino almost cleaned house at the Grammys last night. She spoke her mind and said she wasn't happy about it. Natalie said, “I don’t think she deserved it. I think she needs to get her life together first and then get the awards later. You don't get awarded for bad behavior. That's the problem. We're teaching young folks that they get awarded for being crazy. I'm not too happy about that, but I wish her luck and hopes she gets it together."

Natalie is no stranger to the crack world. Natalie has admitted to being addicted to heroin and crack. She was arrested in the 70s, got help and claims to be clean now.

This is the problem right here. Award shows have turned into contests about personality and personal lives. Isn't this shit supposed to be about the work or art or whatever. It mostly isn't and hasn't been for a while.

That's why Natalie has a point. People are rewarded for the wrong reasons nowadays. Look at Gwyneth Paltrow. There's no way that bitch deserved to win an Oscar, but everyone decided that a young pretty girl of Hollywood royalty would look good posing with a statue in her hands. Did Wino deserve to win? I don't know. Actually, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Let's go smoke crack, make a music album and get a Grammy! That way Natalie Cole can talk trash on us and that would be sort of hot.

Click here to see the video of Natalie if you care

VIA ONTD