Award Shows

The Creative Emmy Awards (aka The Your Shit Isn't Good Enough For The Emmys That Shows On TV ceremony) was held in the employees break room at the Staples Center in L.A. yesterday and Christina Hendricks landed on the red carpet looking like this. I'm guessing Christina is saving the panty creaming theatrics for the REAL Emmys next Sunday, but still, how does this happen? For some reason, this dreadful look reminds me of when my 12-year-old self used to wrap Christmas presents with bed sheets and bows made of pillow cases. I don't know if bitch fell into the curtains or the curtains fell into her.

Where are the chichis?! Whenever Christina comes out wearing a low-cut neckline with her chichis pouring out like thick white clouds of ethereal mist rising above Mt. Olympus, some hating whores always have to say shit like, "Ugh! She always has to show her tits! We know she has tits! Why does she always have to remind us she has tits?" Shut your mouth on a training bra, bitch. We need to be reminded. Remind us, Christina! Remind us, Christina! It's like we've all seen a beautiful sunset a million times and yet whenever there's a beautiful sunset before us, we take a picture of it with our iPhone, upload that picture to Instagram and then refresh a million times waiting for our friends to say, "OMG what a beautiful sunset!"

Christina's chichis are like a beautiful sunset. They never get old, they're a work of natural art and they're best viewed while eating cheeses and sipping table wine on a picnic blanket with our friends.

And speaking of shit that didn't need to happen last night. Jeremy Davies won a Best Guest Actor in a Drama Emmy for the acting stuff he did on Justified, and he collected his trophy with this on his head:

That hair is only okay if you're Dominic from The Real World: Los Angeles or a guinea pig who just got gang banged in a tornado.

Here's the others who showed up to last night's Emmys Stepchild Awards: Juna from The Comeback, Nick Offerman with Megan Mullally, Padma Lakshmi, Dot Jones, DJ Tanner, Margaret Cho, Melissa McCarthy (looking like a Mennonite bridesmaid), Brenda Strong and Neil Patrick Harris with his hags.

When the Emmy nominations are announced every year, I already know that my face is going to fall into a puddle of cold disappointment, but only because 80% of the TV stuff I put my eyeballs on is made of one hundred percent shit and the only way they'd get any nominations is if the Emmy hos decided to do things differently by nominating the absolute worst. But this year, there are a few noms I'm happy about. YAAASSS at Zoey from Nurse Jackie! YAAASSS at Jessica Lange from American Horror Story! YAAASSS at Veep! YAAASS at Uma Thurman from Smash! I'm only YAAASSSing at the last one, because Uma was so damn terrible that she was kind of brilliant. Give her all the Emmys.

The list of who I think should file a police report for getting ROBBED is way too long to list. I mean, where's a nomination for Madeline Stowe's portrayal of an ice cube with a stick permanently shoved up its ice cold ass on Revenge? Where is the nomination for who ever's responsible for the high budget production values on Ringer?  Where the hell is RuPaul's nomination? May every wig fall off of its owner's head on Emmy night as punishment for telling Ru to sashay away.

But you know, it could be worst. At least the Emmys kept it Kuntrashian-free. That's always the bright side of any situation that a Kuntrashian hasn't shoved herself into. The nom list for the main categories is after the jump, but click here if you want to see the full list. JUMP!

Usually, I'm all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can't with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. "SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!" was probably Jessica's first reaction to that fug mess. But it's her friends, family and stylist's job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica's chichis are frowning at this look.

That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It's like a whory memaw's freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don't know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.

And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?

Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures from last night's TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.

Nina Arianda of 50 Shades of Venus Fur beat out Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, for Best Lead Actress in a Play at last night's gay Super Bowl, but I'm pretty sure that a few hours later the full body orgasm she got from being named the greatest non-singing actress on Broadway faded away as she tucked that trophy into bed next to her. Nina stared deep into the doped up eyes of the scary face on the left on her trophy and knew that Cynthia was the real winner of the night since she got to tuck in ROJO CALIENTE!!!!

The reigning Queen and Queen of the ginger gayelles made their first public appearance at the TONYs since they resurrected the beaten horse known as the sanctity of marriage from the dead by becoming each other's wife three weeks ago. It makes the loins of my soul tingle knowing that after all these years together, the sight of Rojo looking dapper as a motherfucker in a Men's Warehouse tuxedo (from their debonair Hobbit collection) still makes Cynthia moist in the pits. The sign of true love IS creamy pits.

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...

Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!

Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.

But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):

I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.

If you're one of the lucky ones who missed the Oscars and want a full-on recap, just pour a glass of lukewarm tap water into a paper bowl full of instant oatmeal and watch as it slowly slowly slowly cooks, because that's about as exciting as the boring mess some of us sat through last night. Everybody kept saying that last night's show was like Werther's Original night in the rec room of a Boca retirement home since it felt like a moth ball air kiss from the Academy to the olds, but saying that is an insult to memaws and papaws. The olds didn't like that shit either. Trust. The olds thought they were getting a dancing Billy Crystal, but because he's fucked with his face so much they got a dancing mummified Kim Jong-Il instead. Most of the olds probably took off their teefs and went to bed before Best Supporting Whatever was passed out.

But besides Meryl Streep's speech, there was a bright spot among the bleakness. It came when Jean Dujardin wiped the permanent smugness off of George Clooney's face by winning Best Actor. Then Jean Dujardin kept the tingles coming by face posing for his life in the press room with Meryl Streep. Jean Dujardin is damn fucking charming. He's like a skinny Gaston from Beauty and the Beast without the doucheness. Sometimes his face looks like he's starring in a toothpaste commercial from the 50s and other times it looks like he's watching two unicorn babies slide down a complete double rainbow in the distance. Jean's face is always set to magic.

Looking at him holding onto that Oscar trophy makes me think that he probably gives the most charming handjobs ever. I bet he smiles that twinkly smile the entire time and gives you an extra twitch in your crotch when he raises his eyebrow at you. Normally, I'd think that smiling while cumming is totally creepy, but it isn't when you do it with smile master Jean Dujardin. It's impossible to not feel happy inside when you're staring at a French man whose smile makes you hear cartoon birds singing and shit.

JLo shouldn't even be the second-string trophy girl at the San Juan Community Theater Awards, but for some messed up reason the Oscar Meyer Awards asked her to present some shit with Cameron Diaz last night. Maybe it was a Make-A-Wish situation and the producers wanted to the charity tax right-off, because when you Google "WHY IN ALL THE FUCKS WAS SHE THERE?!," JLo's mug will be smiling back at you. But whatever, JLo wasn't asking any questions and she made sure to stretch her 15 seconds on stage by stretching her dress to the point of no return.

While dressed like a standby letter turner on a 70s Mexican game show, JLo made hos everywhere press pause on their Tivos to see if she was flashing an inch of the nipple plate that Skeletor used to snort lines of crushed baby bones off of. JLo's stylist says that it was just an optical nippleusion and there was no nip slip situation. Whatever, at least staring at JLo's peek-a-nip distracted me from listening to her talk or looking at Cameron Diaz's face. I mean, Cameron Diaz's FACE and HAIR! That's what eating Diddy's ass on a full-time basis does to you. If Cameron meant to look like a Florida teenage boy whose hair and face got fried in a meth lab explosion, then a slow clap for her.

And back to JLo's nip (I hope to never type those words again), since last night's theme was obviously fame-hongray body parts, why didn't Jean Dujardin's peen tip poke out the piss slit in his pants while he was accepting his award. All we got was JLo's maybe nip and Angie's skeleton leg. Where was Jean Dujardin's peen tip when we needed it most?!

The nominations for the biggest pieces of corroded turds that fell out of Hollywood's ass last year were announced yesterday and Adam Sandler beat all the records by getting 11 nominations for the trio of cinematic vomits Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson and Just Go With It. If this doesn't convince Adam Sandler that he needs to reavaluate his life choices and realize that nothing will beat his performance as Stud Boy in Remote Control, then I don't know what will.

12 flying Razzie nominations landed on the pile of steaming shit that is Jack and Jill alone. It's not like I'm surprised that Jack and Jill is pretty much the worst thing to happen to movie's since Vincent Gallo's cum load, but I am surprised that it made $134 million. $134 million. How did that many bitches see that shit? I bet the same people who paid to see Jack and Jill are the same people who suck up all the hot water in their apartment building, because they spend 5 hours a day crying at the bottom of the shower while punching at their faces. They hate themselves that much. Anyway, here's a list of last year's biggest vomit-inducers:

Worst Picture

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

JACK & JILL
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

NEW YEAR'S EVE
Warner Bros / New Line Cinema

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Paramount Pictures / Hasbro

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Summit Entertainment

Worst Actor

Russell Brand
ARTHUR

Nicolas Cage
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D, SEASON OF THE WITCH and TRESPASS

Taylor Lautner
ABDUCTION and TWILIGHT S.B.D. PART I

Adam Sandler
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Nick Swardson
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Worst Actress

Martin Lawrence (As "Momma")
BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Sarah Palin (As "Herself")
SARAH PALIN: THE UNDEFEATED

Sarah Jessica Parker
I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT and NEW YEAR'S EVE

Adam Sandler (As "Jill")
JACK & JILL

Kristen Stewart
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Supporting Actress:

Katie Holmes JACK & JILL

Brandon T. Jackson (As "Charmaine") BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Nicole Kidman JUST GO WITH IT

David Spade (As "Monica") JACK & JILL

The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Worst Supporting Actor

Patrick Dempsey
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

James Franco
YOUR HIGHNESS

Ken Jeong
BIG MOMMA'S #3, HANGOVER PART 2, TRANSFORMERS #3 and ZOOKEEPER

Al Pacino (As "Al Pacino")
JACK & JILL

Nick Swardson
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Worst Screen Ensemble

The Entire Cast of BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

The Entire Cast of JACK & JILL

The Entire Cast of NEW YEAR'S EVE

The Entire Cast of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

The Entire Cast of TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Director

Michael Bay
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Tom Brady
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Bill Condon
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Dennis Dugan

JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT
Garry Marshall

NEW YEAR'S EVE

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
ARTHUR

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
(Rip-Off of BOOGIE NIGHTS and A STAR IS BORN)

THE HANGOVER PART 2

(Both a Sequel AND a Remake!)

JACK & JILL

(Remake/Rip-Off of Ed Woods' GLEN OR GLENDA)

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screen Couple
Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
Shia LeBeouf & The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANNIES #3
Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker / JUST GO WITH IT
Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler / JACK & JILL
Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson / TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screenplay
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson

JACK & JILL
Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook

NEW YEAR'S EVE
Written by Katherine Fugate

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Written by Ehren Kruger
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg

This needs more Tree of Life, which scared me away from movie theaters for a few weeks. It was fifty hours of emotional torture. It was like being stuck in a room while 100% sober with someone who is high on acid. You don't know whether you want to choke them out or just bang your head against your knees until the noises stop. It made my hair hurt and I ate a giant ball of vom when I walked out of the theater and heard some pretentious slut say, "It was astonimizing." Yes, astonimizing! See what that Tree of Laxatives movie does to people. It gives them a case of the GOOPY PALTROWS! Tree of Life for worst EVERYTHING.

Wasn't is Coco Chanel who said that before you head out the door, you should take one thing off? Well, Coco's legacy must be decorated with a string of pride this morning, because Adam Levine's piece Anne V took Coco's advice as she took off the left part of her dress before going to the Grammys last night. The Slut Dress' family tree has a new first cousin hanging off of its branches.

When you're looking for the perfect dress that will make dozens of people take your picture and run to the nearest computer to upload that picture to Wikipedia's entry on sophistication, ask yourself these questions:

1. Should this dress be sold with a roll of double-sided pussy tape?

2. Do you you need to power wax your snatch before putting on this dress and then also power wax your snatch halfway through the event so you don't hit the eyes around you with some 5 o'clock coochie shadow?

3. Could this dress be classified as a two-faced slut meaning that one half wants to go to a funeral and the other half wants to go to a beach-themed funeral?

4. Can you scratch your clitty without even lifting the skirt of this dress?

5. Do you have to take a period-stopping pill before wearing this dress so you don't have an uncensored Xtina moment?

6. Can everyone see your crotch muscles in this dress?

If you let out six YES!!!es in a row, then throw your credit card at the salesperson, clutch that dress with your life and growl at any hos who come near you, because you've just found the holy grail of elegance and everybody will want it for themselves. RUN! RUN! RUN!

And a bunch of other tricks tried to top Anne V, but they didn't even come close. Here's a few as well as others from last night's Grammys: Fuggie Fug (wearing a blanket of orange silly string over black Depends) with her mom, Diana Ross with her son Evan, Cyndi Lauper (looking like a Hot Topic Medusa) with her mom, Robyn, RiRi, Bruno Mars (looking like a Filipino Ricky Ricardo), Ice-T with the most beautiful woman in the world, Taylor Swift, Rebecca Black (who was called in as official seat filler since Chicken Cutlets was not available) and Katy Perry (paying homage to Marge Simpson's mama je'e).