Award Shows

Jodie Foster has been the FourSquare Mayor of the Glass Closet for what feels like centuries and she's sort of dropped hints here and there about how she likes to slurp on lady clit, but at the Golden Globes tonight she fully came out as a card-carrying member of Home Depot. I think. Jodie got the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes and during her rambling speech she name dropped Honey Boo Boo, introduced the dude who co-parents her kids, retired from acting and then she let the coochie out of the bag. I didn't know if I was the one on shrooms or if Jodie Foster was the one on shrooms? Or both!

Jodie went on about how she came out to her friends and family a million years ago, but that was before hos declared "YUP, I'M GAY!" on the cover of People Magazine, so she never told the public. And then she name checked Honey Boo Boo. via Towleroad

"I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age. In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends, and family, coworkers and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her. To everyone she actually met. But now, apparently I’m told, that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a primetime reality show. You guys might be surprised, but I’m not Honey Boo Boo child."

Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I let out a "DUH?!" Do I praise St. Rojo Caliente for Jodie finally declaring her love of snatch? I don't know what to do, because I don't know what was going on in that speech. I'll just do what Mel Gibson did:

Yes, that's Mel's "Wait, I worked with a lesbian?" face.

But seriously, that is how you come out. You come out in a rambling, magical and weird coming out speech where you namedrop Honey Boo Boo. Congrats to Jodie and congrats to Honey Boo Boo!

We're halfway through the Golden Globes and if you're playing the Amy & Tina drinking game, then you're probably doing a steady 55mph on the booze highway while making you're way to Drinkville. And you're probably shaped like a giant meatball sub, because you swallowed one giant meatball sub whole after hearing someone thank Harvey Weinstein. Make room for another, because I'm sure somebody else is going to thank his ass. If you're playing your own drinking game, then there's probably fifteen empty bottles of Strawberry Hill and a comatose hooker on the floor, because I know how you are. You drunk!

Here's Amy and Tina busting out poses on the red carpet earlier tonight and I'm sure they totally planned to look like a lesbian couple going to a daytime wedding in a backyard garden in 1956. And if you missed Amy and Tina's opening monologue, it's below these block of words. Wait, there's two of them saying words, so I can't call it a monologue. Do I call it a DOSologue? Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, if you missed their opening DOSologue, it's below these block of words:

And they should each get a Golden Globe for yanking James Franco's taint and James Cameron's droopy taint in the same monologue....I mean DOSologue.

While accepting the award for Best Singing While Ugly Crying in a Movie at the Critics' Choice Awards last night, Anne Hathaway (or as my mom calls her, "Anne Haddaway," which always makes me think of this) let a trick know that she's not happy that they spelled her name wrong. In the nominees video package that played before Eddie Redmayne announced that she won, Anne's name was spelled as "Ann." Ann grabbed the trophy and set a bitch right:

"This is a bittersweet moment for me because I have this award, but you spelled my name wrong. It is with an "e." It's probably in bad taste for me to point that out here, but um... I'm sorry I don't mean to be gauche."

You might think that AnnE was just joking, but AnnE wasn't joking. As soon as she left the Critics' Choice Awards, she found herself a voodoo witch to cast a black magic spell on the not-knowing dumb whore who screwed her name up. They will never forget the "e" ever again. Every time they sit on the toilet to do a #2, they're going to shit out e-shaped poops. Every time they spit, they're going to spit up e-shaped saliva drops. Every time they pour Cheerios into their cereal bowl, they're going to pour out e-shaped CheeriEs. Every time they turn on the TV, the only channel that will come up will be E! Every time their weed man shows up for a delivery, he'll open up his bag and say, "Sorry, the only thing I've got right now is E." They'll never escape the "e."

And on a different note, I finally saw Les Misercryingandsinging. The little boy who played Gavroche should be getting all of the awards instead of Ann "Don't Forget The E, Bitch" Hathaway. He did the best impersonation of Kingston Rossdale I've ever seen.

I didn't watch the People's Choice Awards last night, because the people's choices suck and mostly because I had to focus all of my attention on the single most important television event of this decade. I'm talking about Stars in Danger: The High Dive starring Antonio Zapata Jr., Bethany Hamilton, the blueprint for Jerri Blank's face and some dude who came in second on So You Think You Can Dance. I was hoping to watch a high-speeding train crash directly into the shallow end, but that mess was about as boring as a solo game of Marco Polo, which yes, I have played before.

I should've watched the People's Choice Awards instead, because then I would've seen Jennifer Lawrence's hot wreck of a dress in action. Jennifer was there to pick up some Things Remembered trophy for a made up award that doesn't matter, but at least she brought the glamour. If Oksana Baiul skated to the Dynasty theme song as Alexis Carrington, this is what she would wear as her costume. If Jennifer Lawrence didn't slap down a basic blonde, steal a bitch's man and become the majority shareholder of her arch rival's company last night, I'll be severely disappointed with her. Because you should only wear a hot dress like that if you want to slap a trick, home wreck a family and take over a company.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's People's Choice Award. Taylor Swift really showed Harry Styles what he's missing out on (read: nothing). In order: Alexis Lawrence, Tempestt Bledsoe, Heidi Klum, Ian Somerhalder, Tater Head with her piece, Taylor Swift, a vision of pure class, Raven in man drag, Jared Padalecki, Quinton Aaron with his rumored piece, Matt Boner, Lea Michele and Naomi Watts.

Everybody has nominated Anne Hathaway for Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables from the BAFTAs (click here to see all the nominations, which were announced this morningtime) to the Barstow International Film Festival to the Sloths Choice Awards to the Starvers In Cinema Appreciation Awards. Everybody has nominated her ass. But yesterday, when the nominations for the most important accolade in modern cinema, the Razzies, were announced, Anne Hathaway's name was nowhere to be seen. "Why wasn't I nominated for a RAZZIE?! Why am I not BAD enough?!" echoed through the streets of Manhattan yesterday as Anne Hathaway did the slow wall slide of sadness before dropping to her knees and crying out a puddle of rejection. (Fun fact: Anne received Best Meltdown In A Snub for that meltdown and she will accept her award at a ceremony next week. Anne will wear a dress designed by Marchesa.)

Poor Anne Hathaway. Why couldn't she have sucked in Les Miserables for at least 10 seconds? If at least 1/10000000th of her performance was shit, she would've qualified for a Razzie, but Anne just can't help it. Anne must have all the nominations and she didn't get a Razzie nomination. She has failed. Why does she have to give an OMGTHENEXTLAURENCEOLIVIERHASBEENFOUND performance all the time? Anne is looking for a return receipt, because it's so hard being God's gift to acting.

Anne has cleared her schedule for the rest of the year so that she can take classes at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Suck and learn from the masters, Professor January Jones and Professor Megan Fox, on how to be a shitty actress. Anne will get that Razzie nomination one day! You'll see!

Here's Anne putting on a brave face at last night's National Board of Review Awards in NYC, where the Best Supporting Actress award went to Ann Dowd for her performance in the creepiest and most frustrating episode of Crank Yankers ever. "Brave Face" is also the name of the shade of foundation that Anne Hathaway wants to sell you, which would explain why she's dressed like the assistant manager of a MAC counter at Nordstrom.

Here's a few more pictures from last night. In order: the greatest thespian of our time and beyond, a come-to-life Simpsons character, Angela Bassett, Quvenzhané Wallis, Ann Dowd, Eddie Redmayne, Emily Blunt with John Krasinski, Jessica Chastain and Emmanuelle Riva.

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston

I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.

And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton's disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor's facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to "OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING" face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she'll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won't win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.

Taylor should've known that shit wasn't going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):

Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor's dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped 'em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it's her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.

And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn't a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude's a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!

Since today's theme is turning into cleavage of all kinds, here's Kat Dennings hiking her chichi balls up so high that the feet of the angels can practically touch them. The Emmys should've opened last night with Kat and Christina Hendricks trying to hug, because that would've been a real show. It would've looked like four baby sumo wrestlers head butting each other over and over again. No, the Emmys didn't do that. They decided to hand out a bunch of awards to a bunch of boring ass shows instead.

You know what would've been easier? If they just showed a live shot of a dump truck backing up into Honey Boo Boo Chile's front lawn and dumping hundreds upon hundreds of trophies in front of her house. The Emmys can retire forever, because no other show will come close to reaching the levels of artistic excellence that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has reached. Just give Mama June all the Emmys and everyone can go home.

But the dumb bitches at the Emmys didn't do that either. They spent 3 hours passing out trophies and you can click here for a full list, but I threw some of the winners after the cut. If you say the line "Should've been Mama June's Forklift Foot" after reading each winner's name, you'd be telling nothing but the truth! GO!

Christina Hendricks' husband can't believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, "Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven't looked at my face once!" during their wedding ceremony.

Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn't get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn't even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue's ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.

After THAT episode, I really thought I'd see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn't happen. The Emmy bitches also didn't do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm's hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.

And here's a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm's peen (yes, it's so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.

If it's morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn't hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl's costume. But it's a picture of Sofia Vergara's ass crack refusing to be ignored.

Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night's Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara's butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia's nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.

They were winning so much that I'm sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn't buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, "Please have my child."

Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece's luscious grizzly brows every night.