Award Shows

Unfortunately for our genitals, Hugh Jackman will not be thrusting his crotch and twirling his peen as host of the Oscars next year. Instead, the producers have hired Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to serve as co-hosts for the zillion-hour long show. I can already see them dancing cheek-to-cheek during one of the hundred musical numbers.

The producers had this to say for themselves:

“We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars. Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event.”

Steve Martin has tamed the hooker known as Oscar before. He hosted twice and even won an Emmy for it. This will be Alec's first time at the wheel.

When I first read that Hugh Jackmeoff wasn't going to come back as host, I was hoping that the producers would completely overhaul the entire show. Since we're in a recession, they should've promoted Phoebe Price from balcony seat filler to host. She could've handed the awards out in the parking lot of Chick-fil A. Now that sounds like a show.

VIA The Wrap

On The View this morning, the hens were yapping about a major problem currently plaguing New Jersey's Millburn High School, one of the top schools in the nation. Parents and administrators are trying to figure out what to do about a decade-long tradition called "The Slut List." Every year, a group of popular senior girls create a list of the biggest sluts of the incoming freshmen class along with creative descriptions next to their names. Here's some examples:

"I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you drugs for free if you get with me."

"Keeping up with the family tradition, fuck me ... and knock me up."

Wait, how did they get a copy of my high school yearbook?

In addition to the slut list, girls also slap stickers on the backs of freshmen with beautiful
complimentary words like "SLUT" and "WHORE" written on them. Hey, that's exactly what I wear to the bars on a Friday night. Idea STEALERS!

An e-mail has already gone out warning students that if found, the slut-makers responsible for the list will be punished.

And some of the students have laughed this shit off, saying it's just a joke. One student said, "It wasn't anything bad ... . What people don't see is it's getting so much better, and it's turned from a bad thing into a fun thing."

Now, that is the slut spirit right there! Fuck making the honor roll! It's all about making the slut list. Why shoot for valedictorian when you can be valedickwhorian?

At my high school, we didn't have an official "slut list." Instead, bitches simply wrote down the names of the sluts (along with their phone numbers) on the urinal wall of the boy's bathroom. Every single day, I would go in there, hoping to see my name....but I never did. Every day, my dreams were crushed and trampled upon.

That's why when I grew up, I created my own slut list. It's called Dlisted.com.

VIA ABC News

After Kristin Chenoweth won an Emmy for her performance on the now-dead Pushing Daisies, she had a minor medical situation and the paramedics were called. Kristin's spokeswhore told Popeater that she felt a migraine coming on immediately after she won. While she was doing press interviews, Kristin started to feel worse and had trouble opening her eyes. The paramedics examined her ass and now she's doing just fine.

You know, I'm guessing that right after Kristin got backstage, her eyes got a good look at Victoria Rowell (aka Drucilla from Young and the Restless to you and me) in her Ode to Obama dress:

Seriously, I feel a migraine knocking at my forehead if I stare at it too long. THE FUCK?! It looks like she's pregnant with Obama's head! And I hope that after she was done with that dress, she immediately sent it back to Glenn Beck, because he was probably cold last night without his favorite bed sheet.

BEHOLD! Grab a raw chicken cutlet and worship the hardest working seat warmer in the game. International supermodel and the star of Colonel Sanders' wet dreams Phoebe Price was the epitome of elegance and grace at the Emmys tonight in a ravishing clearance section gown from Victoria's Secrets Clash of the Titans collection.

If there was a sudden gust of wind, we'd really see where the red fern grows. Seriously, that dress is really close to showing Chicken Cutlet's Morris the cat! Thinking about it is giving me heart palpitations. Throw a little Lawry's seasoned salt at me!

They don't even need to bother with going on with the rest of the show, because this is the ONLY moment any of us cared about (I'll blow weed smoke in your face if you agree with me). I mean, look at the second thumbnail. The Emmys golden angel is turning her back and is about to go home, because she knows she cannot compete with the poultry goddess that is Phoebe Price!

If your tongue will not be permanently attached to the TV screen for the True Blood season finale tonight, then grab a bong, bottle or both and suffer with me through the MTV VDAs. Hopefully, Courtney Love woke up from her daily coma and will attack everyone with a compact. EVERYONE. The drunkbonging fun starts at 9pm EST in the magical window below:

Stacy Haiduk wasn't the only bitch who killed hos on the red carpet last night. No, seriously I think hos really did die of a heart attack after seeing her satanic purssy. Anyway, a bunch of other bitches brought the glamour and they brought it hard! Eff the Oscars! Next to every child beauty pageant on Toddlers & Tiaras, the Daytime Emmys is the most glamorous event of the year! Who needs dignity when you have glamour? Here are just some of my favorites:

Kate Linder (above) - Kate showed up Heather Mills by finding a way to re-purpose every 80s prom and bridesmaid dress found in the dumpster behind a Salvation Army in the San Fernando Valley. This trick looks like one of Elton John's napkins.

Brenda "Well Hello " Dickson - Would you expect anything less from Brenda Dickson? Homegirl queefs out ravishing gowns like this in her sleep! If Chicken Cutlets was attacked by a tranny python, she'd look like this. Perfection.

Judith Chapman - Judith just stopped in to say "hi" while on her way to Bethlehem to give gifts to Baby Jesus.

Sandra Lee - It looks like somebody had too many "Ocean Breeze Cocktails" (aka HYPNOTIQ). Sandra does everything semi-homemade, even her fake tan! Sandra used two parts Tang powder, one part blended down Cheetos and just a splash of Tabasco. Take three shots of any kind of booze that's nearby to get that extra special glow. Delicious.

Susan Lucci - Needs no explanation.

Wendy Williams - Suddenly I have a major craving for honey dew and pork rinds.

Big Bird - The hottest bitch on the carpet. Truth.

Once a-fuckin-gain, True Blood has been screwed over (not and in a sexy way)! Last year, the Golden Globes gave True Blood a big slice of FU pie and now the Emmy whores have served up a second piece.

The Emmy nominations were announced this morning and True Blood failed to get nominated in any of the major categories. Who does a bitch have to glamour in order to get at least one big nomination?! Even Lafayette's nalgas should have been nominated. I mean, they probably gave a better performance than William Shatner and his pepaw ass got nominated AGAIN for Boston Legal. They even overlooked Randi Sue from True Blood and that trick got effed in an alleyway while Tara poured trash all over her head. It was a truly inspired performance!

I'll have to work on a letter to all Emmy voters asking them why they are prejudiced against vampires.....and hot whores who get dicked in alleyways. Breeeeeathe. Anyway....

The Family Guy got nominated for Outstanding Comedy Series making it the first cartoon since The Flinstones to get a nomination. Lisa Simpson is giving the meanest shank-eye ever.

In prettier Emmy news, 30 Rock got the most nominations with 22. And Katherine HAGel was not nominated even through she tried to bring the raw emotion in a big way. HA. HA. HA. and HA. Unfortunately, the Emmys don't have a"Worst Annoying Hagface Who is Made Entirely of Nicotine" category, because Hagel would be a shoo-in for that one (GONG!).

A list of some of the major nominations is after the jump. Click here to see a full list. JUMP!!!

UPSET!!! Dorota from Gossip Girl has won Dlisted's "Feel This Bitch" prize at Logo's NewNowNext Awards. Dorota beat out The Woz, The First Lady of Cameroooooon, Tammie Brown and Kim Zolciak's gutter mop.

Here I was thinking you would vote Kim Zolciak's kitchen ass wig to the top! It has been through so much. When Logo asked my ass to pick 5 hos who I feel will come up in a big way this year, I immediately thought of the tortured beast on Kim's head. I pictured it starring in a burlesque show in Reno, getting its own public access talk show and maybe even marrying Kate Gosselin's fried possum head in the wedding of the century. Oh well, maybe next year.

Thanks to all who voted! The NewNowNext Awards airs tonight at 9. For those of you whose unscrambled cable boxes don't get Logo, you can watch the show here if you want.

Speaking of unscramble cable boxes, I almost got arrested once for having one! That's a story for another day.

Unless Jessica Lange is starring in an Oxygen movie based on the life of Jocelyn Wildenstein, she has no business wearing that face. Jessica insists that she's never had any kind of work, but come on. Humans don't ripen like that. You don't wake up one day with a face like Heathcliff's girlfriend. Jessica needs to gaze at Jane Fonda some more. That's what her face should look like! If Jessica effs with her face anymore she's really going to look like a creature who meows when they're hungry. Then Apple is going to name their next operating system after her face.

Here's Jessica and Jane at the Tony Awards last night. I also threw in some pictures of Liza and Dolly, because it was the right thing to do. And that plastic surgery comment doesn't apply to Dolly. She's a completely organic beauty. The Tennessee mountain air keeps her looking as fresh as baby's breath.

Nicole Kidman showed up to the Academy of Country Music Awards with her wee little calico kitty-haired husband and wearing one of Breathless Mahoney's old ones. While Nicole decided to wear something old, she also wore something new. I'm talking about her lips. Did she stuff those things with even more generic-brand vegetable oil?! I know her lips usually look like Michelle Duggar's labia lips after a Brazilian wax, but this shit has gone too far. Nicole's lips are looking like two overstuffed pieces of sausage that were boiled too long and started to split. Nicole just can't let go of Tommy Girl, because I bet he has a matching pair on his Scientolohole.

For the first time in a long time, I don't have the sudden urge to throw Nicole's face back and forth with a friend in the park, so that's a good thing. It still doesn't move, but I spot one wrinkle, so she's making improvement. Lastly, let's talk about that hair. THAT HAIR! It needs a bowl of Werther's Originals on top, because that shit is memaw-approved. That gerartric mop screams "Mah social security check is late!"