Award Shows

This is my final NKCA post. I fucking promise. I punished myself by watching that hell show, so I'm punishing you by posting mad about it. I just had to throw in my coins on what the hell some of these children were wearing. Was Thurston Howell III reincarnated as the Jonas Brothers' stylist? They need new people right now. Even that Drake Bell dude was dressed up for the retirement home. Somebody needs to tell these children that the mothball Metamucil look is not in business.

Below are a couple of WTF guests that showed up last night. Christian from Project Runway?! And that's not Gene Simmons. It's Hal Sparks. He needs to roll that tongue back into his mouth, because this is a children's event. He's turning it into an episode "Catch a Predator." I also threw in some Tish Cyrus to add a little hound dog glamour to this post.

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.

TyTy Baby brought some of the Top Model girls out of the woodwork (aka their day jobs Howard Johnson's) for the 1st Annual Fiercee Awards. The award show is the weave child of TyTy and will air on her talk show. The awards will honor or dishonor past contestants on the reality show.

At first I thought this was a Miss Beautiful Tranny America pageant. WTF happened to some of these girls? Did they have dicks put in? I chose Jade for the main photo, because she was always one of my favorites. She's looks like the tranny love child of Bai Ling and Grace Jones. Jade will always have my heart for saying, "Posing with an elephant, it's like posing with an ancient dinosaur. And elephants are in the dinosaur family."

Below are some of the girls that showed up for this whacked out event. Roll your mouse over the picture to get the ho's name. Caridee and Toccara look the hottest. Jay Manuel is wearing more make-up than all those girls put together. Jaslene looks like she's a contestant for Miss Puerto Rico 1982.

Chrissy Bitch's "Leave Britney Alone" YouTube meltdown failed to win him a 2007 YouTube Award. Chrissy was nominated in the Best Commentary category, but lost out to What The Buck? Better luck next time bitch. Tay Zonday's "Chocolate Rain" video won Best Music Video. Tay told the AP (via UsWeekly) that he plans to make "a living making art and producing music."

La Pequena's Amy Winehouse video better win next year or I'm going razor burn a bitch.

Visit YouTube to see all the winners in all categories.

Below is my favorite video which lost in the "adorable" category. I could watch this all day. I can't wait to spend hours viewing this tonight. After a few cocktails, I'm sure I will be able to figure out what these pussies are saying to each other. I'll have a full transcription by morning.

Whoopi Goldberg got her feelings hurt, because Oscars producers left her out of the host montage during last night's show. They included a clip of Whoopi winning an Oscar, but left her out of the host montage. She was Oscar's first black host and hosted 4 times.

Whoopi said, "Undoubtedly, I pissed somebody off once again." Barbara Walters then said to Whoopi that they "think she's a great host." Whoopi got up and gave them all a kiss.

The worst part of this clip is hearing Elisabeth Hasselcrack make the "boobooboobooo" sound. I picture her making that sound when she's doing sex with her husband. Not a pretty picture.

Yeah, it sucks they left Whoopi out, but who cares? Just wipe off your ego, tell them to "fuck off" and then move on. There's no reason to get your feelings hurt. Oscars producers do not care about people. I don't even remember the host montage, because I was battling to keep my eye lids open. The Oscars were THAT riveting, so Whoopi should be thankful she was left out of that shit.

VIA People

Last night, during the Oscars "In Memoriam" section, I noticed that Brad Renfro was missing from the montage. You guys noticed it too, because I got the e-mails. I figured that maybe he wasn't a member of the Academy or something? They included 98 movie actors, directors, executives, agents, designers, but didn't include Brad.

The Academy issued this statement to TMZ,"It is simply not possible to include everyone in that segment." It would have taken one second. Literally. They should have just said they only include Academy members in the segment.

A friend of mine also noticed they skipped Roy Scheider, but that's because Roy died after January 31st.

And where was Sam the Butcher?! Damn the Academy!

Did I make it? Damn, that shit was long. I was going in and out of consciousness, but I made it thanks to Red Bull and the promise that it would end soon. Overall, it was everything I thought it would be....BORING! I actually perked up when John Travolta slipped a bit. I was crossing my fingers hoping he would eat it and his shit hair would be all over the floor. Oh how that would be so beautiful. Anyway, here's the winners and I'm sure you know.

Best Picture - No Country For Old Men
Best Directors - Those bitches who directed that Old Men movie
Best Actor - Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood (that speech confused me and I'm still trying to decode it)
Best Actress - Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose (love that Frenchie!)
Best Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Best Supporting Actress - Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton (Go Eric Stolz's twin!)
Best Adapted Screenplay - Those bitches who wrote that Old Men movie
Best Original Screenplay - Diablo Cody, Juno

Click here to see all the winners

Thankfully that's over!

P.S. - Was it just me or did they miss Brad Renfro during the "In Memoriam" thing? Rude!

Not even Vanessa Paradis managed to wear a truly fucked up dress to the Oscars tonight! If you can't count on Paradis to wear disaster on her body, who can you count on? What is going on? Johnny Depp and Vanessa actually look like they are wearing clothes and not costumes. I'm disgusted with them! I was counting on them to truly boggle my mind with their hideously awesome outfits. No dice.

Here's also some Javier Bardem, because if you can't have fug, you might as well have the hotness known as Javier. He just won an Oscar too! I think he was telling me he wanted my body in Spanish. That's what he was saying.

So that's how Keith Urban gets all those highlights! The ice queen burns them into his hair with her ice laser eyes. Nicole Kidman probably wasn't even wearing a necklace, but the ice just can't stay away from her. She's going to push out a giant ice cube!

Not even Nicky Kidman wore an over-the-top frock! What is going on?!

It looks like Diablo Cody changed her mind about wearing Stuart Weitzman's million dollar shoes! She blogged about it the other day, "I'm actually really pissed about this, now that I think about it. They're using me to publicize their stupid shoes and nobody asked me. I would never consent to a lame publicity stunt at a time when I already want to hide. I'm sorry if I sound like a party-pooper, but Jeebus."

I still thought she was going to wear them. I guess they didn't go with that hot stripper dress. It probably was from her stripper days, but honestly I love it. She didn't wear the stripper shoes, but she did wear $5 slippers from Big Lots! The Big Lots slippers definitely go better with the stripper dress than those million dollar shoes.