Eva LongWHORIA

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner was last night in DC and it looked like they put the invite on Facebook, because hos who had no business being there showed up to clink flutes with the President. By the looks of who showed up, this looks more like the White Castle Correspondents' Dinner. How did some of these trollops get in? I'm sure there were a lot of discarded caterer suits in the back hallway, because that's how most of them snuck in. Flat Stanley is the only bitch who deserved a chair at this dinner!

Okay, okay, some of these hos belonged, but only like 99.999999%. See for yourself. In order: Flat Stanley (with date Ed Westwick), Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Mariska Hargitay, Trudie Styler, Sting, Jon Bon Jovi, Amy Polar Bear, Natasha Bedingfield, Ty Ty Baby, Eva Longwhoria, Ricky Schroeder, Tommy Girl, a middle-aged alien robot wearing one of Barbara Bush's old ones, Kara DioSTFU, James Franco, Chace Crawford (who can't believe he's that close to boobies), Glenn Close, the baddest Monday-To-Friday-er in the room Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Porkme, a tranny zombie wearing a blonde wig and STAINS' twin brother. See what I mean?

Eva Longwhoria needs to go lie down, because obviously she's suffering from delusion of the brains and needs rest. There's a comfy hole in the ground somewhere with her name on it. But seriously, we have an epidemic on our hands, people! First it was JLove and now it's this trick! These raggedy ass tramps need to drink a hot cup of BITCH, PLEASE, because they do not have what it takes to fill Audrey Hepburn's tiara. Only one ho on this planet does and that ho is international supermodel and fashion chameleon Phoebe Price (what have I done?!).

Eva Longwhoria defamed Audrey's good image by dressing as her for People en Espanol's Most Beautiful People issue. This bitch is more like Audrey Heartburn. Hmm. That didn't work. Audrey Hefferburn? I have to work on that one.

In the meantime, go on over to Ohlala to see other Latin celebrities dressed as classic movie characters including Ricky Martin who looks like he wants to lick an ass.

(Thanks Dr. J)

When Karina Smirnoff Ice came prancing out on Dancing with the Has-Beens last night with a head full of disco curls, I immediately got flashes of Gina Montana, the second hottest bitch in Scarface (next to The Pfeiff, of course).

The fact that Karina didn't scream "If I wanna fuck 'em, Tony, then I'll fuck 'em!" halfway through her number was kind of illegal. If you're going to take on hair like that, you have to own it. Lots of shoulder thrusting, lots of coke snorting and a ton of shouting. And you have to do all of that with a gun in your hand and your body draped in either sequins or satin. Karina needs to hit up Blockbuster (or did that shit go out of business yet?), study that shit and try again.

Here's Karina with that sexy beast known as Maksim at some TV Guide party last night along with some other whores. If you give an eff, they are in order: Simon Baker, Eva Longwhoria, my future no-no tickler, that slut Kelly Taylor, Christina Hendricks, busted teef lady and Roidy McRoidlips.

Eva LongWHORIA is still yammering about how she piled on a little chunk to play a frumpier Gaby on "Desperate Housewives." Last month, she even said on French TV that she wasn't pregnant, she was "just fat."

In the new issue of Allure, Eva once again says she's not knocked up. She also said that even though she gained a little lard, she never changed sizes. Eva opened her OBESE mouth and said, "I never went up a size! I just got rounder. I'm still a size 0."

Somebody should tell this queef bag that her IQ matches her dress size. While you're at it, tell Eva her talent level also matches her dress size. She's a zero all-around!

"Desperate Housewives" creator Marc Cherry has already admitted that Eva LongWHORIA is trying to have a baby. Let's face the cold, hard truth - Eva is knocked up. She already looks like she's buying her clothes from KMart's maternity section. It's obvious. Although, it looks like she's carrying her new baby in her chin and not in her belly. Great, now her fetus gets a front row seat to all her yammering.

I can't take all these babies! It's too much. Tonight I'm going to have nightmares about millions of babies crawling all over me, sticking their fingers up my nose, barfing in my ear and biting at my hair. BABIES!!!! They're making me crazy and I don't even have one!

File this under: Can't she just buy a baby mouse instead? "Desperate Housewives" creator Marc Cherry opened his butterball mouth to UsWeekly and said that Eva LongWHORIA is trying to have a baby. Alert the fucking world! You know she made him announce that.

He said that Eva and Tony are "desperately trying to get pregnant." I love how he threw the name of his show in there. Marc went on to say, "After they phone their doctor, she promised me I will be the next call." Negative. The first call will be to their PR sluts to begin the baby whoring.

You better believe that if she's pregnant, she's going to sell everything. EVERYTHING. She's going to sell the baby announcement, the ultrasound pictures, her placenta, the umbilical cord and limited-edition jars of her amniotic fluid. Shit, if the price is right, she'll even sell her baby! She'll also talk about it day and night. Eva will even launch the Eva Baby Watch Channel. 24-hours of Eva LongWHORIA baby news! Barf.

Here's Eva on the set of DH looking like she just got off the graveyard-shift from her job at Howard Johnson's. There's a little nip action in some of the pics, just so you know. I pity the poor child who has to suck on those selfish things. Yes, Eva has selfish nipples. You can tell.

Eva LongWHORIA revealed her true fugliness on the set of "Desperate Housewives" yesterday. Bitch has "throw-up face." I'm not sure if she's knocked up or if it's fake padding to make her character look chunkier. All I know is that I love seeing that bitch like this! She looks even more like a mole person without all that make-up and Paves' pony hair.

Hold up! This skeezer is totally going to get an Emmy for pulling a Charlize Theron, right? Fuck!

Congratulations to Eva LongWHORIA for managing to make herself look even homelier. I didn't think it was possible. She gets two dick slaps for that. Bitch still looks like Mrs. Brisby from The Secret of NIMH.

I'm pretty biased though. Even if Eva showed up to an event with chicken cutlets in her cheeks and exquisite lucite heels on her feet, I'd still think she was a gross mess.

I doubt this shit is going to last. LongWHORIA was made for cheap hair extensions. It won't be long before Ken Paves is gluing polyester locks on her fugly ass rat head.

Eva LongWHORIA wants more privacy as much as I want another bad case of genital crabs. This attention whore has to be joking. Obviously, bitch hasn't learned how to read yet, because there's no way she would have the audacity to put that shit on if she knew what it said.

According to INO, you can buy this fugly shit for $50. Yeah, 50 clams for that rag. You can make it yourself with an old ass Haines t-shirt and some duct tape.

Here's LongWHORIA and Tony Porkme at lunch yesterday.