Josh Hartnett did fuckey fuckey times with some chick in the library of his London hotel and it was all caught on security camera. That's what the Mirror claims anyway. Hotel staff watched as a drunken Josh and his chick stumbled into the library, closed off the curtains and started bumping nasties.
A source said, "Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place - the library included. This means their every spit and cough was recorded, and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh's X-rated moves."
After Josh and his lady finished filling the library with sex smells, a hotel staffer told him to take his personal shit elsewhere in the future.
I think it's the hotel's duty to release the footage to the public. You know, as a warning to whores who might want to do it in a hotel library. And I want close-ups of Hartnett's peen. I have a feeling it's floppy, skinny and just as boring as him. Actually, maybe I don't want to see Hartnett's footage. There's nothing worse than boring peen.
And I feel sorry for the poor bitch who strolled into the library after Josh finished, grabbed a copy of "War and Peace" and found a chunky glob of Hartnett smegma all over it.
Female bodybuilder porn alert (NSFW)! According to the Daily Star (I know, I know), some dude is trying to sell a sex tape starring Vadge and A-Rod. The man claims he set up a hidden camera in an apartment Vadge and A-Rod used for their secret afternoon sexy times.
The dude wrote several media outlets asking for a ton of cash for the tape. He said it was shot two months ago in an apartment belonging to one of Vadge's Kabbalah friends. The dude found out Vadge and A-Rod were licking each other's muscle holes in the apartment, so he set up a camera.
One legal bitch said the dude could face prosecution for voyeurism and burglary because he didn't have permission to set up the camera and he videotaped Vadge and A-Rod without them knowing.
SICK! That shit would be like watching two pit bulls fighting over a greasy neck bone. I really don't think Vadge and A-Rod ever fucked. Besides, doing sex with Vadge is dangerous. Bitch could rip off a dick during a handjob. That's probably what happened to Guy Ritchie.
Vadge and A-Rod don't need to have sex to bust a nut. They bust one during their weekly arm-wrestling competitions.
Mini-Me has dropped a $20 million lawsuit against SugarDVD and TMZ over his famous sexy time tape. He dropped the lawsuit after they agreed not to market the video of him rubbing his lipstick all over that pony lady's vagina.
His lawyer told The Los Angeles Times, "We got what we wanted: a permanent injunction." SugarDVD must have the permission from Mini-Me and his co-star Ranae Shrider before selling the little blue movie.
Mini-Me's lawyer said he wants to keep the tape private and has no plans to sell. He's saying that now, but something tells me Mini-Me is short on cash, so his own piece of hell will soon be up for sale. I can't fucking wait. I still need to know if Mini-Me is hung like a kitten. He has to be bigger than these dudes (NSFW). Seriously, I've seen clits (DON'T CLICK ON THAT) bigger than those dicks. It's pretty sad when you're able to stick the whole dick in your mouth and toss their salad at the same time.
Why oh why did I read this News of the World interview with Mini-Me's sexy times tape co-star?! Especially on a Monday morning.
You know, I'm all for midget sex! Throwing Mini-Me up in the air to see if he lands in your no-no hole sounds like it could be fun. I just don't want to know all the little details! Actually, I do, but I'm a glutton for punishment. Here's just some of the things Ranae Shrider had to say about sexy times with Mini-Me:
on sexual positions:
"I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!"
These are some non-creative bitches! They could've gotten a baby trapeze for Mini-Me to swing on. That way he could hit it from the back.
on Mini-Me's mini-me:
"It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big."
Um....couldn't he just put the condom over his entire body? FUCK! This bitch is so stupid! Oh and she's totally going to have Mini-Me babies now.
on Mini-Me's sexual appetite (cover your eyes):
"It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing."
Do you think he has mini jizz loads too?
on almost drowning Mini-Me:
"I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub. Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him. Verne's voice is just like it is in the films and as he disappeared under the water, I heard this tiny yelp for help. I could just hear him crying, ‘Ranae, I can't see! Get me out, I'm drowning!'
I hope that scene makes it into the sexy times tape. Pure comedy. Seriously though, she could have prevented this by using one of those toddler tubs.
You can read the rest of the interview here. Just make sure you read it on an empty stomach.
Actually, I should've titled this TMI.
Mini-Me's sexy tape co-star gave an interview to the MJ Morning Show today. She didn't really say much, but they did manage to ask her about Mini-Me's wang bone. I've been obsessed with knowing what Mini-Me's peen is like. Yes, I've scheduled a therapy session for next week to discuss these issues of mine.
When asked about it, Ranae said, "As previously reported on other interviews made by him, it is definitely not a tripod." MJ responded, "You're saying he's proportionate for a man of 2'8"?" Ranae said yes.
That means his mini-peter is about the size of one of my fingers. DAMN! How the hell did she feel that shit?! That's not even funny. He would have to stick his whole head up in there and scream at the top of his toddler lungs for me to feel a thing.
That means this sick ass video a lot of you whores have been sending me isn't Mini-Me. DO NOT Click here to see this very NSFL video. DO NOT CLICK. Unless you enjoy seeing little people getting their salad tossed, don't click!
And click here to listen to Ranae's entire interview with the MJ Morning Show.
Mini-Me picked up his mini-phone, called his mini-lawyers and ordered them to file a not-so-mini lawsuit against TMZ. Mini-Me is suing over that super sexy tape of him doing fuckey fuckey times with some pony lady.
In the lawsuit filed yesterday, he claims TMZ "violated his privacy rights and infringed on his copyright and trademark by running portions of the tape" on their website. According to Mini, the sexay tape was stolen by a mini-burglar!
He is asking for $20 million and wants the court to stop the distribution of this porn masterpiece.
Even $20 million couldn't make me unsee the image of Mini-Me's lizard tongue attacking pony lady. And in case you need reminding, clip below:
And here comes the bagel you ate earlier.....
22-year-old Ranae Shrider from Kentucky is the woman who did sexay times on tape with Mini-Me. TMZ reports she's an aspiring model and Mini-Me's ex-girlfriend. Mr. and Mrs. Shrider must be so proud of their little daughter. They're telling out their church friends that lil' RaeRae (that's why they call her) is starring in her first feature with the one and only Mini-Me!
Okay, in all seriousness now. Somebody please find the full sex tape. I know it's out there and I need to see what Verne's snausage looks like.
Here's more pictures of RaeRae with Mini-Me. She looks like she could swallow him whole. Oh and of course she has a picture with Wonky McValtrex. This is all Wonky's fault!
Pull out the Kleenex and KY, because a Mini-Me sexy time tape is upon us! It's what your genitals have been waiting for. TMZ has a "tiny" clip of Verne Troyer tonguing his girlfriend at the time. SugarDVD has reportedly offered $100,000 for the sex tape, but no deal has been made.
I need to see this now, just so I know what Mini-Me is working with. I bet he has taquito dick with extra cheese. I mean, does it even reach?!
They better call this shit "Mini-In-Me" or I'm going to be pissed!
Click here to watch the "short" clip and try not to bust a nut all over your keyboard.
According to Time Magazine, something called "elder porn" is currently the rage in Japan. Quick! Somebody get on the next flight to Tokyo and bring me back some of these treasures. I would do a google search, but I don't want to put my computer through that kind of trauma. It's already been through too much.
Anyway, Time spoke to 74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, one of the biggest stars in elder porn. Shigeo is not his real name because his wifey and kids have no idea that he's a porn star. Shigeo has starred in more than 350 movies in the past 14 years. Jenna Jameson doesn't have shit on this pepaw.
Shigeo's movies have become best sellers for Glory Quest, the porn company he works for. The PR bitch for Glory Quest explained why elder porn is so successful for them, "If we only make standard fare, we cannot beat other studios. There were already adult videos with Lolitas or themes of incest, so we wanted to make something new. A relationship between wife and an old father-in-law has enough twist to create an atmosphere of mystery and captivate viewers' hearts." Their hearts? I think it's captivating something a little lower than their hearts. Like their bowels.
Shigeo said that he plans to work as long as they continue casting him, "People of my age generally have shame so they are very hesitant to show their private parts, but I am proud of myself doing something they cannot. That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."
Unfortunately, Time didn't ask the hard-hitting questions. We all want to know how big the dick is and how does he keep it up? I'm guessing it looks just like a turtle head and he rubs a little wasabi on the tip to keep it going.
Vomit. Wipe mouth. Vomit. Wipe mouth. Vomit. Wipe mouth. The visuals alone are making me queezy. The National Enquirer (via Splash) is reporting that Adnan Ghalib is shopping an alleged sex tape he made with Britney Spears in Rosarito, Mexico. SUCIO! I don't know if I can handle hearing Brit scream, "Ay Papi" while getting it from Adnan. Too much.
A source said, "Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing. She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there in Rosarito. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" There's those visuals again!
The insider claims this will be the highest-selling sex tape of all time. Can we please not call it a sex tape! The words Adnan, Britney and sex do not belong in the same sentence together.
I am curious to see all the different things you can do with Cheetos in the bedroom. You know Adnan's dick is about as cheesy as a Cheeto. Watching his Cheeto go into Brit's chocha is probably like watching a Cheeto being dipped into a cheese fondue pot. WHY?!