Sex Tapes

If you're a married semi-celebwhore and you want to get some coochie on the side without your wifey finding out about it, do a background check on your possible whore first. Make sure she doesn't have any skeezy ass friends or relatives that will sell her ass out in a quick minute for a dollar. Because stupid ass Jon Gosselin might not be in this situation if he did that first. He picked a real winner in Deanna Hummel.

Not only did her brother yap about her business to UsWeekly, but now her ex-husband is trying to get a piece. Deanna's ex created a website using her name for the sole purpose of selling some fuck tape he made with her back in the day. Here's what he has to say:

Hello world! This is a site owned by one of Deanna Hummel's ex-boyfriends.

When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn't surprised.

The Deanna I knew wasn't above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn't a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn't...yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.

If anyone is interested in making me an offer, please email me at sextape@deannahummel.com

Hello World, does he think anybody will offer him more than an expired KFC Grilled Chicken coupon for this shit? The dick bag also has screen shots on the website and I am not impressed. They weren't even trying to make a tape worth watching! That skank still has half of her teacher's outfit on! That is my pet peeve right there. If you're doing sexy times in a bed, take off all your damn clothes. Even the socks. I can understand if you're busting a quickie in a church bathroom or under a highway overpass, but not if you're in a bed! Put some effort into it. Sex tape FAIL.

UPDATE: So, this shit is probably fake. (NSFW) Click here to see the video the screencaps were taken from. I'm not sure if that's Deanna or not, but I doubt it now. The cum shot at the end is truly amateur hour. (Thanks Peter)

Why oh why did I know this rumor was coming?! I could smell this shit a mile away and it reeks like ass cheese and butt pimple puss (you know Chris has got some pimples on that ass). I mean, we already had the wedding rumors, the baby rumors, so why not throw in a sex tape rumor? You know, while we're here!

Star Magazine claims Chris Brown busted on RiRi in a different way and captured the precious moments on camera. Sources are saying that RiRi is afraid Chris is going to leak that shit for the world to see. The source went on to say, "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out! This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible."

Okay, if you're a celebwhore and your bare ass is in the air while a camera is recording, there's a good fucking chance that the eyes of many will see it. Don't lose your breath when it leaks, because you had it coming!

If you're a narcissistic whore and need to see your shit doing fucky stuff, just hook the camera up to the TV so you can watch without recording it. Or delete that shit right away. Be smart! But personally, watching myself doing that nasty shit is like watching a horror movie. It's not fun or stimulating. I learned things about my body I never wanted to know!

In Verne's defense, the doll is just his size. But this shit makes me flashback to his retina-killing sex tape. The two screen shots are pretty much the same. Verne needs to learn how to kiss without involving his little lizard tongue. After this shit went down, that plastic baby doll tried to throw itself in a fire.

Verne got sexy with the baby doll while making a movie with his fellow Celebrity Big Brother housemates. Verne had to pretend that the doll was Mutya Buena, who recently quit the show. Verne tells the doll, "Hey, Mutya. I know you wanna leave, but before you go can you just save a spot in bed for me and I will give you some special loving. We don’t have to tell anyone else. Hey - do you want to ride my scooter?" Click here to watch the scene, but I can't guarantee that Chris Hansen won't come up behind you and ask you to talk for a minute. Or that PedoBear will tap your on the shoulder and give you the thumbs up. Seriously, this feels like some pedo shit.

Some viewers of CBB skeeved out by the whole thing and have sent in letters. They said that a "grown man" shouldn't be getting it on with a baby doll. The words "grown man" needed to be italicized and pressed into quotes for obvious reasons.

And after Verne convinces the plastic baby doll not to throw itself in a fire, methinks he's going to marry it and make a million itty bitty plastic babies with it. They are totally going to look like this.

Thanks Rebecca

We already know that Peter Cook loves jacking it on webcam to his cyber fuck buddies, so it's no surprise that there's a sex tape out there starring him. Page Six reports that they've seen stills of Cook's sex tape with his ex-teen mistress Diana Bianchi.

The stills show Diana stripping for Peter while he hand hugs his weenus. In other still, Peter rests his head on Diana's ass pillow. There's also pictures of Diana and Peter doing it on the brown love seat in his office. It was smart of him to purchase the brown love seat. It hides the skidmark stains.

Cook reportedly made the tape without Diana knowing about it. Diana's lawyer said that they are considering suing Cook over the tape.

Christie Brinkley's lawyer claims they know nothing about it, "Nothing about Peter Cook's behavior shocks us. We don't know anything about this tape. We never saw it and we never heard about it. Christie's concern is for the sake of her children and she hopes this video is kept private."

So who's shopping Cook's sex tape? It could be Cook. Now that he isn't relevant anymore, he probably thought he'd whip out (put intended) the good shit. It could also be Diana. Bitch wants to get paid AGAIN! If Christie knew about the tape, she would dropped it during the divorce trial. My pennies are on Billy Joel. When in doubt, blame BJ.

Yes, Adnan Ghalib still exists and he's still trying way too hard to keep our attention. Adnan claims that he does have a tape of him and Our Lady of Cheetos bumping pork rinds in Mexico when she was going through that whole "I'm batshit crazy and loving it" phase. Adnan is ready and willing to sell the sex tape for the right price.

A source said the tape is 2 hours long and features Brit Brit in that busted pink wig getting it on with Adnan in a hotel room in Mexico. A source claims the 2-hour tape features Brit Brit in her busted pink wig while getting it on with Adnan in a Mexican hotel room. 2 fucking hours?! Please. You know Adnan busts it in 2 strokes or less. The tape is probably just Brit laying on some bed and making out with her bag of Cheetos Torciditos. It probably looks something like this.

Adnan tells Heat Magazine (via The Sun): "There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further. I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney. “

He won't discuss Brit Brit's private life, but he will show us her fried chicken strips dipped in ranch dressing. That's nice of him. Adnan needs to give us the goods or go into the corner and play with his man titties while plucking out that hideous pussy strip he calls facial hair.

Remember that story claiming Josh Hartnett was caught on CCT doing sexy times with some chick in the library of a London hotel? Well, Josh isn't happy about the story. He's so unhappy about it that he's suing the Daily Mirror, the newspaper where the story originated from.

Josh denies the incident. During an interview on a British talk show, Josh said, "It's incredible the stories they the come out with. In the States at least they have to make a call to a representative and try to make a reality out of the situation. Over here they just make things up."

They do that in the States? Since when? And I refuse to believe a British tabloid would just make this up! They don't lie! They always tell the truth. If it wasn't Josh Hartnett in the tape, then it had to be another celebrity! I need to believe this. My genitals need to believe this. Wait....does anybody know if David Duchovny was in London recently?

Josh is seeking damages and an apology from the Daily Mirror. Instead of suing their asses, Josh should send them a "thank you" note for keeping his has-been name in the news.

Here's Josh leaving rehearsals for the stage version of "Rain Man" in London. Josh plays the Tommy Girl role in the play version of the movie. No, I'm not joking.

Who needs lunch anyway? AVN reports that a website (NSFW) went live this morning selling the full Mini-Me sex tape for just $9.99. Hey! That's the price of your lunch. Skip the tuna melt and feast on some little people porn instead.

The site was registered in China and it's still up as of now. I'm not, though.

If you don't think you can stomach seeing Mini-Me busting a mini nut, then click here (NSFL) to see a few stills. It's going to take a few therapy sessions for me to get over the picture in the top right corner.

Meth face sex alert! TMZ reports that Jeremy Jackson, Hobie from "Baywatch," is the star of a 45-minute sex tape currently being shopped around to the highest bidder. I'll trade my half-eaten Spicy Chicken Wrapper from Burger King for it. That's saying a lot, because that shit is good.

The tape also stars former porn star turned devout Christian Sky Lopez. The Hoff must be so proud. Seriously, he's probably really proud. Jeremy issued a pretty hilarious statement about the tape:

"Listen, this video was made by my best friend. Between me and a casual sex partner who just so happened to be a former porn star. I was later physically threatened if I didn't turn the DVD over to some drug addicted thugs.

They said, 'Sky wanted it back and I didn't want to ever be seen as a porn star, that she had turned to God and was changing her life.' So I gave it up for HER and so they would not beat me up and 'make my life hell' as they had threatened. I was blackmailed. This private recording becoming public kinda sucks. But I thought people out there should know the truth and how far some people will go to make a quick buck."

Meth kills brain cells. A porn star doesn't want people to see her fucking on camera? And his best friend just happened to film it? I'm guessing a few mysterious baggies traded hands before the camera rolled. His reason sounds like the plot of an exceptionally bad episode of "Baywatch Nights."

I'm not sure how hot a Hobie sex tape would be. He looks like he has an awful case of shriveled meth dick. It probably just lays there like a sad slug in the sun. That being said, I'll gladly watch all 45-minutes of the tape. For research purposes of course.

Josh Hartnett did fuckey fuckey times with some chick in the library of his London hotel and it was all caught on security camera. That's what the Mirror claims anyway. Hotel staff watched as a drunken Josh and his chick stumbled into the library, closed off the curtains and started bumping nasties.

A source said, "Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place - the library included. This means their every spit and cough was recorded, and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh's X-rated moves."

After Josh and his lady finished filling the library with sex smells, a hotel staffer told him to take his personal shit elsewhere in the future.

I think it's the hotel's duty to release the footage to the public. You know, as a warning to whores who might want to do it in a hotel library. And I want close-ups of Hartnett's peen. I have a feeling it's floppy, skinny and just as boring as him. Actually, maybe I don't want to see Hartnett's footage. There's nothing worse than boring peen.

And I feel sorry for the poor bitch who strolled into the library after Josh finished, grabbed a copy of "War and Peace" and found a chunky glob of Hartnett smegma all over it.

Female bodybuilder porn alert (NSFW)! According to the Daily Star (I know, I know), some dude is trying to sell a sex tape starring Vadge and A-Rod. The man claims he set up a hidden camera in an apartment Vadge and A-Rod used for their secret afternoon sexy times.

The dude wrote several media outlets asking for a ton of cash for the tape. He said it was shot two months ago in an apartment belonging to one of Vadge's Kabbalah friends. The dude found out Vadge and A-Rod were licking each other's muscle holes in the apartment, so he set up a camera.

One legal bitch said the dude could face prosecution for voyeurism and burglary because he didn't have permission to set up the camera and he videotaped Vadge and A-Rod without them knowing.

SICK! That shit would be like watching two pit bulls fighting over a greasy neck bone. I really don't think Vadge and A-Rod ever fucked. Besides, doing sex with Vadge is dangerous. Bitch could rip off a dick during a handjob. That's probably what happened to Guy Ritchie.

Vadge and A-Rod don't need to have sex to bust a nut. They bust one during their weekly arm-wrestling competitions.