Sex Tapes

The holy bible of sex tapes was supposed to be released to the world today, but it has been pushed back a week due to the Empress of Lucite claiming she never authorized its release. That means you get another full week of eyesight, because once you watch it, you will be blinded by the high-levels of elegance dripping out of her lucite flower. And really, you wouldn't need your eyeballs anymore anyway, because you will never ever witness anything so beautiful again. So it's best that your eyeballs go out with a BANG!

Anyway, TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment swears that Shauna Sand signed a release allowing the tape to see the light of day. However, Shauna is calling the pimps at Vivid of bunch of liars, because she says she never signed it. So Vivid is bringing in a handwriting expert to examine Shauna's signature and declare it authentic.

They shouldn't bring in a handwriting expert, they should bring in a scientist! The real Shauna Sand only signs her name in lucite and angel cum. And if the signature doesn't sparkle in the dark and cause a choir of angels to sing her name, then it's not real.

Start digging my grave and polishing my coffin made out of lucite, because I think I'm about to drop the fuck dead! TMZ gave me a serious case of the vapors by announcing that a Shauna Sand sex tape is about to hit the world! It's going to be the Sistine Chapel of sex tapes! HOLY LUCITE!

On October 19th, the second coming of Jesus (HELL, HERE I COME!) will arrive in the form of a sex tape starring The Empress of Lucite and her current boyfriend. Vivid Entertainment will put it out, but Shauna is trying to stop it from seeing the light of day. Shauna issued this statement:

"Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I've made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn't sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now."

Shauna knows that the world cannot handle seeing her in all her glory! I mean, imagine Shauna doing sexy times while wearing a pair of exquisite heels. It will cause mass hysteria! Souls will explode, genitals will burst and millions of pairs of exquisite lucite heels will melt! The Empress of Lucite cares about mankind and she's trying to protect us!

Just thinking about it is giving me heart, soul and no-no palpitations.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: And now there's a trailer. I had to watch it with a defibrillator pad up my ass, because it was almost too much for me to bear. (Not safe for those with a weak heart) Click here to see it. And in case you're wondering why it looks so professionally lit, it's because the light from Shauna Sand's lucite oyster shines bright!

You might have been wondering why your stomach is growling more than usual this morning. No, it wasn't the bad jizz you ate last night. It was your stomach sensing that it's about to go through some serious shit, because reportedly a Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is about hit the internet. Yeah, you probably won't hear from your genitals for a few days. They aren't going to come out until it's safe.

Zack Taylor (via ONTD) says that some source sent him a few screen shots that are supposedly of Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Sarah Silverman missionary-style (BORING!). Apparently, the 15-minute tape that was shot a few years ago is being shopped around. The source added that Sarah and Jimmy bumped tittays on tape while on vacation at some resort. When they left, they forgot to take the camera with them and a resort employee got their hands on it. That's the story.

Based on the screen shots alone, that could be absolutely anybody or anything. It could be Guillermo, it could be Jon Grosselin, it could be Kate Gosselin's possum head, it could be Khloe Kardashian without her weave on or it could be my Uncle Werner after getting his back waxed.

Let's just pretend this post never happened. I mean, porn isn't supposed to make your fuck parts sad.

UPDATE: A rep for both Jimmy and Sarah says it isn't them in the sex tape. Wait, so maybe it is my Uncle Werner after all!

If a Megan Fox fuck tape leaked onto the internet, it would look just like the clip above! That's according to the ho herself. Megan recently told MTV (via The L.A. Times) that she would never ever film herself getting down on the dick, because she would look like a hippo fucking. Only from the mind of Megan Fox....

She said, "It would take one shot of me not looking good, and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex."

So whip out those dongs, fanboys, and jack until you're raw. Because this is what Megan Fox looks like while she's getting dicked. Yeah, this exactly what I pictured too.

And I think that every time Megan is about to open her mouth to speak, we should immediately hold up a sign that says: "WARNING: Megan Foxes mark their territory! You may be SPRAYED!"

Booooooo! Hissssssss! I want mah money back! So, yesterday, Gawker posted a short clip of a supposed threesome sex tape starring McSteamy, the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA turned drunken lady whore (my favorite kind). Well, the lawyers have attacked and claim they have seen the entire tape and there's no scenes featuring wet parts bumping. McSteamy's lawyer told TMZ: "From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape. At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex." I think he was disappointed to. Way to break a boner.

Eric has also issued a statement saying that he did not do intercourse stuff with Kari Ann Peniche (the Miss Teen USA chick). They might not have done sexy shit with each other, but they were definitely getting it on with some kind of pipe or joint, because those hos are riding HIGH.

Kari Ann co-signed Eric's claim that they have never had sex and also added that she thinks she knows how the tape got out. Kari Ann is pointing her Dirty Sanchez finger at Mindy McCready, the country crackienut. Mindy and Kari Ann were roommates after they finished shooting Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab together. MESSES! Kari Ann thinks that Mindy stole her computer's hard drive after they had a fight about money. When Kari Ann noticed that her hard drive was missing, she immediately filed a police report.

TMZ says that Kari Ann, Minday, Eric and the Noxzema Girl all had a meeting last month to talk about the stolen hard drive and the "nekkid" tape. They decided that Eric would get full rights to the tape and that was that....until it made its internet debut.

You know, who really cares about all the petty little details, just give us what we want! Fleshbot promises that they will post the uncensored clip today which features a cameo by Eric's McPeenis. No, we won't see it in action, but at least we get to see it. I know, it's the little things in life. Well, hopefully, it's the BIG things in life...

Just give us the peen already! Genitals everywhere are crying! Don't make our genitals weep!

UPDATE: Fleshbot posted the uncensored clip and every part of me is disappointed. Why do hos film a "nekkid tape" without lighting the goods properly. You can kind of see what Eric is working with, but not really. Get yourself an HD video camera and try again, Eric!

I knew that when I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "Please let today bring a Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart/Kari Anne Peniche fuck tape," the sex tape gods would not let me down and answer my prayers! Gawker got a hold of a 12-minute tape starring Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart and Miss Teen USA 2002 Kari Anne Peniche.

Kari Ann is a fucking gem! Bitch lost her Miss Teen USA crown, because she posed nude in Playboy. She was also engaged to Aaron Carter (that says everything.) Recently, Kari Ann was on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, but got kicked off for punching a camera dude. Gawker also says that Kari Ann is a known Hollywood madam.

In the clip that Gawker posted, there's not any fucking going on. It's just the three of them, hanging around nekkid while looking higher than an Amy Wino at midnight. Seriously, bitches be smoking or snorting something. Unfortunately, Gawker censored McSteamy's peen and that's all we really care about. Fleshbot is apparently going to give us the goods later. For you titty lovers out there, they didn't censor Rebecca or Kari Ann's boobies.

Gawker also has a picture on their site from The National Enquirer of Rebecca sitting in a bath tub holding a crack pipe. HA! Who knew this bitch was such a hot piece of trash?! I mean, she went from Noxzema Girl to child killer to crackie and now sex tape star?! Bitch is taking Eric Dane down with her. Or should say, she "drownded" Eric Dane.

Click here to see the clip, but don't blame me for you getting blue balls due to the lack of sexing going on. I've already warned you.

Blair Waldorf is a fine lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets! And now the internet is about to see her freakiness in all its glory. That's what TMZ says anyway. They are saying that a fucky times tape co-starring Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl is being peddled to the highest bidder! One company is very close to sealing the deal, so we may see Blair's bits sooner than later.

23-year-old Leighton apparently made the tape with a boyfriend a few years back. The tape is said to be pretty mild except for a scene "involving her very talented feet." FOOTJOBS! Just call her Leighton Feetsters! I was never into that foot shit. Who wants someone else's bunions and corns rubbing all over their privates? Footjobs will give a bitch a corn on the dick. I wonder if Dr. Scholl's corn removers work on the genitals? Hmmm... Weekend project!

Anyfootfuckin, this tape won't eff up Leighton's career and I hope she just comes out and says, "Yeah, I fuck. And what?!" Leighton was born in prison, so I know she has a response like that in her. Prison babies can really do no wrong.

UPDATE: The tape has been sold and there's already stills on (NSFW, duh) this website. Apparently, she does give a footjob! Eff that dick with her feets, Blair!

The first season of The Real Housewives of NJ was all about that damn book and I'm guessing the second one is going to be all about Danielle's supposed sex tapes! You know this was coming next. Unfortunately, Danielle's fuck tape partner is Steve Zalewski, the 27-year-old she dated on the show. The one who suffers from a serious case of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT.

Steve tells Star Magazine that he has several tapes of Danielle doing sexy to him and herself. Steve says Danielle is a freak who wanted to bone all the time and everywhere. They did it in restaurant bathrooms and in a car parked at a police firing range.

Steve is peddling the tapes for a pretty penny, because he says Danielle owes him. Steve said, "She tries to look affluent. But sometimes she couldn't pay the household bills or buy food. Even then, she'd want to borrow 20 grand from me to buy jewelry! I'm definitely weighing my options as far as selling them and getting them out there. She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?"

Why would Steve want to embarrass himself even more? Everyone is already making fun of his nasty ass because he's a 27-year-old who looks like a retired used car salesman with bad halitosis and permanently chapped nipples. Does he really want us all to see his wrinkly nalgas and seasoned nutsack?

As for Danielle, she would have a sex tape. It's the next step in whorevolution. Stripper, hooker, gold digger and then pornstar!

If you're a married semi-celebwhore and you want to get some coochie on the side without your wifey finding out about it, do a background check on your possible whore first. Make sure she doesn't have any skeezy ass friends or relatives that will sell her ass out in a quick minute for a dollar. Because stupid ass Jon Gosselin might not be in this situation if he did that first. He picked a real winner in Deanna Hummel.

Not only did her brother yap about her business to UsWeekly, but now her ex-husband is trying to get a piece. Deanna's ex created a website using her name for the sole purpose of selling some fuck tape he made with her back in the day. Here's what he has to say:

Hello world! This is a site owned by one of Deanna Hummel's ex-boyfriends.

When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn't surprised.

The Deanna I knew wasn't above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn't a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn't...yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.

If anyone is interested in making me an offer, please email me at sextape@deannahummel.com

Hello World, does he think anybody will offer him more than an expired KFC Grilled Chicken coupon for this shit? The dick bag also has screen shots on the website and I am not impressed. They weren't even trying to make a tape worth watching! That skank still has half of her teacher's outfit on! That is my pet peeve right there. If you're doing sexy times in a bed, take off all your damn clothes. Even the socks. I can understand if you're busting a quickie in a church bathroom or under a highway overpass, but not if you're in a bed! Put some effort into it. Sex tape FAIL.

UPDATE: So, this shit is probably fake. (NSFW) Click here to see the video the screencaps were taken from. I'm not sure if that's Deanna or not, but I doubt it now. The cum shot at the end is truly amateur hour. (Thanks Peter)

Why oh why did I know this rumor was coming?! I could smell this shit a mile away and it reeks like ass cheese and butt pimple puss (you know Chris has got some pimples on that ass). I mean, we already had the wedding rumors, the baby rumors, so why not throw in a sex tape rumor? You know, while we're here!

Star Magazine claims Chris Brown busted on RiRi in a different way and captured the precious moments on camera. Sources are saying that RiRi is afraid Chris is going to leak that shit for the world to see. The source went on to say, "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out! This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible."

Okay, if you're a celebwhore and your bare ass is in the air while a camera is recording, there's a good fucking chance that the eyes of many will see it. Don't lose your breath when it leaks, because you had it coming!

If you're a narcissistic whore and need to see your shit doing fucky stuff, just hook the camera up to the TV so you can watch without recording it. Or delete that shit right away. Be smart! But personally, watching myself doing that nasty shit is like watching a horror movie. It's not fun or stimulating. I learned things about my body I never wanted to know!