Sex Tapes

While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.

Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn't the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn't the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby's roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she's talking about it to E!.

The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is "not out in the media" nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.

"Hackers, don't even go there cause you'll find nothing," Doug Hutchison's wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what's on the tape, it's "just me," she claims, adding that it wasn't shot too long ago. "I turned 18 in August, so you do the math."

The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—"I don't want to put any images in people's mind; I'm gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want"—but insisted she has no plans to release it.
"No, this is personal," she says.

Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:

I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.

And here's Courtney putting the "old" and "ho" in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney's face.

Last week, Teen Mom Farrah went on Dr. Phil and she was such a delusional mound of dumb that she made Dr. Phil look like an honest, reasonable and intelligent human being by comparison. And yesterday, Teen Mom Farrah almost made Teen Mom Jenelle look like the better parent (I say "almost" because that "Ke$hit is my idol" thing is unforgivable) when she brought her 3-year-old daughter to her sex tape negotiations. Yes, that's inappropriate as shit, but maybe Teen Mom Farrah brought her kid, because she realized that she's dumber than dumb and a 3-year-old is better at negotiating than she is. Although, that's not saying much since the tonsil stone I just coughed up is probably a better negotiator than Farrah.

TMZ caught (read: Farrah called them) Teen Mom Farrah going into Vivid's offices in Studio City, CA yesterday to find out how much they're going to pay her for the video of her getting it from James Deen's small peen (her stupid ass words, not mine). Farrah told TMZ that she's gotten so much positive feedback from the video and she's looking at several offers. Farrah brought her dad and daughter to the meeting, because she needed their support.

Steve Hirsch, the head bitch of Vivid, told TMZ that yeah he thought it was weird that Farrah brought her kid, but the little girl was coloring in the waiting room while Farrah was in the meeting with her dad.

Call me a damn prude, but when I'm in the offices of a porn studio and telling them that I'm going to need an extra $50,000 if they're going to use the shot of James Deen busting one on my eyelids, the last thing I want to see is my dad nodding at me like, "Yeah, you tell them!" But that's just me.

And I hate Steve Hirsch for saying that the gorgeous Tan Mom doesn't have a face for porn, but I hate Teen Mom Farrah more for making Steve Hirsch look like the voice of reason.

Here's Teen Mom Farrah wearing your auntie's favorite yard sale hunting cap at LAX on Saturday.

Emma Stone has always been a non-sexual being to me, like a Care Bear or Gary Busey, and I would've guessed that her idea of a hot night with her piece is playing Mad Libs while eating rainbow popcorn, but I'm wrong. Apparently, Emma Stone does bump wet parts with dudes and she once bumped wet parts with a dude while a camera was aimed at them. That's what Radar says anyway.

Before Easy A and Superbad, 24-year-old Emma did sex with a dude on camera and he's still got the tape in his hands. Some source says that he hasn't tried to sell the tape to the highest bidder yet, but the more famous she gets, the more money the tape is worth. The source went on to say this shit: "She made it long before she started dating Andrew Garfield, and before she really became a household name. She was just young and probably thought nothing would ever come of it."

Superbad came out in 2007 when Emma was 19, so dude could have a piece of child porn in his hands. If that's the case, Sesame Workshop would like to talk to his ass about buying it, because they can pair it with their new movie Elmo Pops In.

I was about to say that I'd only watch an Emma Stone sex tape if Andrew Garfield's ass is in it, but then I looked at a current day picture of him and I changed my mind. That sex tape would look like a skinny Wolverine wrestling with a laughing ghost. You know, when I put it that way, it actually sounds kind of hot.

Because the FBI has nothing better to do, TMZ is reporting that Hulk Hogan's lawyer got in touch with them to waaahwaaahwaaaah over the sadist who leaked his sex tape to the world. Believe me Hulk when I say you can't possibly be as devastated as those of us who have no self control when it comes to link-clicking and witnessed that horror.

Hulk wants the Feds to track down and prosecute the dirty bastard (we can at least all agree on that point) who showed the world his breathtaking secks moves that have Don Juan sitting at a bar in purgatory crying into his Mojito. TMZ says he tried to go to the Florida cops about it, but they were too busy tracking down face eating zombies, crazy jilted Depends wearing astronauts and Nick Hogan to deal with this mess. No, they said that since the tape was made in 2006, the statute of limitations - 4 years - had expired regarding the legality of taping someone without their permission, and that because the release crossed state lines it was a federal issue. And then they all pointed and laughed and said "Let me see if that's Nick, hold on." (ty I think Gawker)

Hulk (this is a grown ass man named Hulk, so hard to type with a straight face) is supposed to meet with FBI officials on Monday. Too bad he couldn't have met with them weeks ago before the tape went live, saving us all brain bleach, therapy and hive cream bills. I do agree though that the person who leaked that mess should be tracked down, drawn and quartered, dunked in rubbing alcohol and then burned. It's only fair.

That dog and I have something in common. Terrified is the look that fills that dog's eyes when it sees an open jar of peanut butter sitting on the kitchen table. And I have that same look when I see the words "Hulk Hogan sex tape." Every single time.

When Gawker scraped our retinas off by giving us something more horrifying than Mr. Nanny, they said that Hulk Hogan put his polenta log dick (Side note: I had polenta for dinner last night and now it's creeping up my throat, so I only felt it was fitting to reference that mess here.) into the chocha of Heather Clem, the then wife of Florida radio host Bubba the Love Sponge. Hulk told Howard Stern (via TMZ) this morning that his sex tape co-star is Heather Clem and Bubba was okay with him boning her in a canopy bed. Hulk was married to Linda Hogan at the time, but he says she was such a mega bitch that she forced him to stick it in any trick who wanted some Hulkamania all up in her guts. Hulk is looking for who ever gave that tape to Gawker, because he had no idea he was being filmed.

Okay, so when Heather Clem (short for Clemidia) wasn't the liquid love sucked up by Bubba's Sponge, she was being passed around to his friends like Hulk Hogan and she did all of this willingly and for free? I don't know whether I should worship at Heather's exquisite heels for her dedication to being a brazen hussy whore or if I should shake my head at her for being gross. I swear, Florida is a HELLUVA drug.

Oh, grandma, cover your face, because this might be the worst thing to hit your eyeballs since you read the words "Matlock canceled!" in Readers Digest.

Like with most horrific thoughts that leave temporary oozing sores on my brain, I completely forgot that a Hulk Hogan sex tape made the rounds last March and that the crispy walrus tried to stop it from coming out. But an anonymous evil doer who is obviously working for the Illuminati sent the 30-minute long tape to Gawker and they didn't want anything in return. They just wanted Gawker to see it. Yeah, so that anonymous evil doer is like that friend who tells you to come out, because they want you to see this dead, mutilated pigeon that's been ran over so many times that it's practically part of the pavement. Thank you, friend! A.J. Daulerio from Gawker watched all 30 minutes of it, and after he woke up from a coma brought on by excessive fapping, he posted almost 2 minutes of the tape's greatest moments and then wrote in detail what goes down.

Last March, Hulk said that he sticks it in so many tricks that he doesn't know most of their names, so there's no way he can even guess who his fuck tape partner is. Gawker thinks his sex tape co-star is the wife of his best friend Bubba the Love Sponge (I'm CAN'T-ing about that name so you don't have to). Hulk claims that he was secretly taped and it's obvious he was, because the camera is set up like a surveillance camera in a bodega. It's black and white and the quality is shitty, but even through the graininess you can see Hulk's blinding white ass, which matches his blinding white Friar Tuck hair. Hulk is nothing but orange and white. Bitch is like an Orangesicle from hell.

The tape starts off with some mystery dude (maybe Bubba) telling Hulk and the chick that he's going to his office to let them do their thing. The two start to get into the grossness, but stop for a second when Hulk's phone rings and you probably already guessed this, but his ring tone is his daughter Brooke Hogan's song "About Us." Yeah, I'll wait here as you change your skin.

When I wrote about this mess in March, I guessed that Hulk's dick is so small that any woman's clit could pin it down in a wrestling match. But I was wrong. You only see a second of Hulk's jerky stick, but it looks like it's big enough for you to use as a club to knock yourself out so you can wake up not remembering any of this. Hulk's trick rides his charbroiled salchicha before he busts one and then they have a quick conversation about how Nick's girlfriend's sister wants to do him.

You can watch this mess and read the play-by-play at Gawker. Hulk says "thank you" at the end, which makes me thinks this is a prostitution whore situation. And Hulk's ho says "your big dick feels so good in my pussy" while she's riding him. Now if you turn to the chapter in the hooker whore handbook on dirty things to say when you're bored while riding dick, that line is definitely in there.  Also, Hulk's piece has brown hair. So much peroxide has seeped into Hulk's head that he probably cums pure bleach and no brunette is going to risk getting bleach stains on her pubes FOR FREE.

Kanye West's debut sex tape isn't even out yet and a sequel is already up for sale too. Kanye's team of lawyers sent out cease and desist letters to several websites, threatening to sue them for every last dollar they get from Google Adsense if they even think about posing a clip of Gay Fish flopping on punane. Kanye pretty much confirmed that it's him in the sex tapes and also confirmed that Pimp Mama Kris taught him to threaten to a bitch so it looks like he didn't leak the tapes himself even though he totally did.

TMZ says that the first tape (which may or may not co-star Kim Kardashian look-alike Mony Monn) is 20 minutes long and the second tape is even longer. The second tape co-stars a different trick than the first tape and Kanye uses his fishstick dick to hump on her for almost 40 minutes. Kanye doesn't want any outside eyes to see his taco meat-covered ass bounce up and down, and he claims somebody stole the tapes from his computer. So yeah, either Pimp Mama Kris has already trained little Mason Disick how to crawl into hotel rooms to steal files off a computer ("You have to earn the diapers on your ass somehow, kid" - PMK to Mason) or this shit is just another stunt.

Kanye taking 40 minutes to bust out an orgasm makes sense. When Kanye's hitting it from the back and looks down and realizes he's putting it in a lady vagina instead of a boy butt, he gets soft and has to start all over again. FRUSTRATING! Kanye sometimes tapes a picture of himself to his trick's back, so he can try to cum while staring at the thing he loves most, but have you ever tried to jizz while looking at a picture of Kanye West? It's impossible. I'm sure the trick he was boning on didn't mind. While lying there she finished her taxes, she cut her cuticles and finally made it to the next level on Angry Birds. A ho gets so much done when Kanye's on top of her.

No, that isn't another picture of the immaculate restoration of Ecce Homo. It's icky homo and gay fish Kanye Kardashian (née West) adjusting the video camera so it gets a clear shot of his taco meat-covered mopey titties in action as he breaks a trick like her coochie's a MacBook Air. Since Kanye's heffa ass ho Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, he made his own so they both have touching memories to share with their future children on family home video night. Radar says they've seen a 20 minute-long video of Kanye pounding into some 18-year-old piece like she's an ALL-CAPS keyboard.

Radar calls Kanye's fuck tape co-star a married Kim Kardashian look-alike who says on camera that she's 18 and she's there because her husband doesn't wet hump her anymore. (No, bitch, you're there because you answered Kanye's Craigslist ad and you messed up your lines. You were supposed to say, "I'm here, because Kanye West is God wrapped in Jesus wrapped in all the apostles and I am surrendering my humble body in the name of everything that is holy and everything that is holy is Kanye. Hash tag YOLO! Hash tag KanyeWestSexTape2012BuyIt!")

Radar also says that Kanye's peen is covered in a rubber the entire time and he doesn't ever kiss his trick on the lips, because he didn't want to smear his Balenciaga lip gloss. ("But Michael, they don't sell Balenciaga lip gloss in stores." - you "Exactly." - me) Some porn industry insider says that the tape was shot right before he started dating Kim and that he broke down in tears (of fame whore joy) when he found out the tape was being shopped around. The porn industry insider went on to say this:

"The sex tape is being shopped right now and there's a lot of interest, but Kanye is freaking out! He doesn't want this tape out and will do anything to make sure it stays private. If this were to hit the market it would be worth a fortune… there would definitely be a lot of people wanting to see this! In my expert opinion Kanye's performance far outweighs Kim's!"

In MY expert opinion, a comatose wart hog's performance far outweighs Kim's.

Please, this staged sex tape mess is just another production from Pimp Mama Kris. If you want to be fully accepted by the Kardashian family, the world has to see your bare ass bouncing in the air on a sex tape. It's not a sex tape, it's an initiation ceremony.

And if you want to see a Kanye sex tape, just watch any one of his music videos. It's nothing but him finger banging his ego raw over and over again.

And here's Kim infecting Melbourne yesterday.

TMZ says that long before Minka Kelly, seen here poking the eyes out of her dog friend (or whatever the hell she's doing in that picture above) a couple of weeks ago, made a piece of Styrofoam look like it's full of emotions by trying to act on Friday Night Lights, she made a fuck tape that's currently being shopped to the highest bidder. Those of you whores who are into the bland cauliflower version of Leighton Meester and have been waiting for this moment, shouldn't pull down your panties just yet. Because TMZ says that Minka's sex tape could close the PedoBear Film Festival, because there's a chance she's under the age of 18 in it. So that's why when you Googled "Minka Kelly Sex Tape" just now, this GIF came up.

Apparently, Minka Kelly (or as the CDC calls her, Jeter Herpe Victim #864) made the tape in New Mexico with an ex-boyfriend and they both knew their crotch thrusts were being recorded. The camera was set up on a tripod and was hooked up to a TV, so Minka and her boyfriend could watch themselves going at it. TMZ thinks that the tape could be stamped with the PedoBear seal of approval, because Minka dances and sings to two songs on Brandy's "Never Say Never" album, which came out two weeks before Minka's 18th birthday on June 8, 1998.

If Minka is playing the "Mah Pussay Was Illegal In That Video" card to stop hos from seeing that shit if it leaked, then she needs to come up with better proof than the Brandy thing. I mean, Brandy's "Never Say Never" album is as classic as Beethoven and not a second goes by when someone on this planet isn't dancing and singing to it. So the Brandy theory is invalid. But the most shocking detail of this sex tape is that Minka can actually sing and dance at the same time since anybody who watched that Charlie's Angels mess know that she can't say lines and act at the same time.

When TMZ said that someone is trying to sell a 45 minute-long jack off tape starring Tyson Beckford, horny whores from all around laid down the tarp, stocked up on lube, Saran Wrapped their mouse and made sure the credit card they use only for porn sites has enough room on it to buy this shit when it comes out. But Tyson said on Twitter that it's not that serious and everyone can pull up their chonies, because the tape is not worth your fapping energy.

TMZ says that the tape is of Tyson handjobbing himself during a webcam chat with a lady model. In between squeezing his peen, Tyson bitches about always being mistaken for Tyrese and talks about some of his co-stars. Tyson tweeted (and then deleted) about his solo sexy times tape yesterday:

Tyson went on Twitter yesterday to address the issue with fans ... saying he's "sad but life goes on."

"Don't even faze me" ... Tyson added ... "We all do it, just mine got caught on film."

He also admitted, "Not much of a sex tape lol."

Who cares if Tyson's sex tape is nothing but him yanking at his dick while saying through clenched teeth "I am not Tyrese dammit, I am not Tyrese dammit" over and over again? Who cares if Tyson's unpruned crotch shrub is going to distract us from the hand-on-dick action? Who cares if it's suspiciously suspect that Tyson's fap tape is mysteriously making the rounds just weeks before his reality shit show comes out?   Who cares if Tyson's dumb ass didn't think to promote his reality show in his fap tape by using anal beads (with "The Choice, this summer on FOX" written on each bead) on himself? Who cares about any of that? The only thing I care about is whether or not Tyson's self-love tape is coming out before or after OctoMom's, because we're going to need a palate cleanser.