Gwen Stefani

If your eyeballs haven't turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker's crotch ("I haven't even stared at the Crotch of Sauron" - Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night's theme of "punk" and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse's idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they'll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.

And here's pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn't try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn't try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn't try), JLo (didn't try, should've been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters. 

The Rolling Stones performed a secret show at the 650-capacity Echoplex in the Echo Park neighborhood of L.A. last night and it brought out Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Bruce Willis, James Woods, Gwen Stefani, Ke$hit and the Olsen Trolls. Everybody is talking about how Amber and Johnny held hands at the show, but that's what hos do when they're doing each other full-time. They hold hands in public places. Well, unless you're doing me full-time and then you only agree to meet me at night, in a Denny's far from your apartment where nobody knows you and the waitress won't give a shit that you're sharing french fries and chocolate pie with me. But yeah, Amber and Johnny eat each other's butts all the time, so it's not surprising that they're holding hands.

But what everybody should be talking about is how the Olsen Trolls showed up looking like twin be-weaved Gollums on heroin. When you make Ke$hit look like a crystal clear dew drop sitting on top of the petal of a freshly bloomed wild flower on the peak of a mountain top that has never been visited by man, maybe it's time to take a shower or at least let a bitch hose you down on the driveway.

When pictures came out of Gavin Rossdale gently touching the nanny's upper ass area during a hike, some thought that he was pulling a stage 1 Jude Law and were waiting to see the New York Post headline "NO DOUBT It's Over!" I see everything through melodramatic OMGSCANDAL eyes, and even to me the pictures looked innocent. Gavin's just guiding her ass (literally) up the hill while she's holding his kid. It's not like he's giving her the shocker. But even if he was giving her the shocker, it wouldn't be a big deal. The shocker is a known hiking technique. At least that's what I tell all my hiking partners....who are male....sort of hot....have big fingers...and not one of my relatives. Besides, like Gavin has room for another side piece in his side piece harem.

A source tells Radar that Gwen Stefani and Gavin both had laughs about the rumors that he's wet humping the nanny, because she's his sister Soraya and he's not dipping into some incest shit. The source said this:

"All the speculation is hilarious. And couldn't be further from the truth. Gavin and Gwen are happier and more in love than ever and their marriage is absolutely rock solid. They truly have one of the happiest marriages in showbiz, or outside of showbiz for that matter!"

See, so Gavin wasn't touching his nanny/side piece's ass. He was touching his nanny/sister's ass. Don't you touch your sister's ass when you go hiking? You can stop furiously shaking your head yes, James Haven. I already knew your answer before I asked the question.

Here's Gavin, Gwen and their Pom Pom at their kid's school yesterday.

When Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron were together, they'd sometimes wake up next to each other and just as the sun hit his SANS FARDS face, she'd say to him, "You look so much prettier without all that make-up on your face." But those words will never fall out of Gavin Rossdale's mouth, because he likes his wife Gwen Stefani more when she looks like a foundation stick with eyes and red lips. Gwen told Harper's Bazaar (via UsWeekly) that she's usually got face pores full of slap (Yes, I typed "slap" and yes, I've been reading from the Southern Memaw's Dictionary again) and her husband loves her like that:

"I've always been a girl who loves to dress up. I already put my makeup on twice today: I put it on to take my kid to school, and then I went home, washed my face, and put it on again to have lunch with you. I like to make my husband like me more. And he likes it when I'm wearing makeup."

"And then sometimes, when I've got a bunch of make-up on, he calls me Marilyn. Then he tells me to put on a strap-on and slap his ass cheeks with it. It's weird, but whatever. I do it, because I like to make my husband like me more."

Here's more of Gwen in Bazaar looking like a Hostess Sno-Ball and pictures of her with waterproof Xtina face while hanging out with Gavin at the beach in Palm Beach, FL yesterday.

The part of the chewed-up piece of steak fat called my heart that holds a special place for the 90s filled with tears earlier this month when Chumbawamba broke up with each other, but now that place can stop weeping thanks to No Doubt jumping into Bieber territory last night to perform the first single off their new album. "Settle Down" makes my ears curl and it sort of sounds like a ska song that was written by a bunch of tone-deaf Fraggles, but this mess of a song is still better than the shit put out by whores half their ages.

Speaking of whores half her age, Gwen Stefani looks better than most of them. The secret to eternal youth must be feeding the pores on your scalp with a steady serving of peroxide, because Gwen's 2012 face looks exactly like her 1995 face.

It's been said (it's never been said) that celebrity relationships die in threes, which means there's a vacant grave in the middle of Vanessa & Johnny (maybe) and Heidi & Seal's graves. And Star Magazine (via HL) says that a tombstone for Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's marriage is being made right now. Star's source says that their marriage is in death row right now and headed for the gas chamber, because Gwen is having a hard time dealing with all the secrets that are coming out about Gavin's past. Makes sense. There's only so many times that a bitch can make this face:

over her husband's latest SHOCKING revelation before she just can't take it anymore.

Star says that the first SHOCKING revelation came two years into their marriage when Gavin found out that he had a secret love child named Daisy Lowe. The second SHOCKING revelation came when Marilyn said that he had bumped b-holes with Gavin back in the old days. The third SHOCKING revelation came when Courtney Love told Howard Stern that she screwed on Gavin for 8 months while he was still dating Gwen. The source says that Gwen doesn't know how she can trust Gavin anymore and the two are in therapy:

“Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding. It’s getting harder and harder for her to go through the motions with a man she sometimes feels like she doesn’t even know."

When you've been married to the father of your two children for almost 10 years, you should look past his past and present and do whatever it takes to make it work. You owe it to yourself and your children to keep your marriage alive. But when you find out that Courtney Love once shoved an Adderall up your husband's anus and fished it out with her tongue (that's Court's favorite game), that's a deal breaker. That's more than a deal breaker. That's some "call the priest and annul this mess" kind of shit.

Zahara, the twin messiahs, Shiloh, Kingston and Lunesta (or whatever that one's name is) were all in the same room together in Gwen Stefani's London townhouse today and Maddox was not there to keep those little moppets in check. So that means they shattered the chandeliers with their tonsil-burning screeches and scratched each other's face skin off (that's not make-up) while scrapping in their own toddler fight club in the middle of the living room. When the Maddox is away, the child army will go CRAZY. That is why Gwen Stefani looks like she just pulled her head out of a burlap sack full of rabid raccoons. Breaking up a toddler fight club will do that to a bitch.

Or maybe Gwen's hair looks like that, because she and St. Angie left all the chirruns with the nannies while they went upstairs to do a bunch of shit you definitely can't do on a Southwest flight if you know what I mean (picture me doing this). See, that's how Brangeloonie fanfic and blind items are born.

As Angie Jolie, Jude Law, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani watched, Jessica Chastain nearly suffered third-degree heat burns in her palms when she held hands with live burning men, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt, at the Tree of Life premiere at Cannes today. On a positive note, if Jessica's curls go limp, she could wrap her locks of hair around Sean Penn's finger and wait until that shit starts to smoke.

I mean, we all know that Sean Penn uses lighter fluid as moisturizer and has the complexion of teriyaki beef jerky, but Brad Pitt needs to run away from the bronzer bath. Fighting the hot with orange grease is an illegal act! I just want to throw him into a stainless steel bin marked "orange chicken" at Panda Express. Dude just needs a turtleneck and he'll be the front-runner for the lead role in a Robert Evans biopic.

The truth is, I don't mean that title. Kingston Rossdale is the fashion icon of the sandbox and so if he wants to boil the assholes of the teddy bear activists at PETSA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals) by wearing a Maude inspired faux fur vest, let him! And if he wants to bleach his hair into a shade I like to call "Samro Surprise," nobody's going to put him in time out for it!

Looking at that Where the Wild Things are mess on Kingston cues up the "remember when" harp for me and makes me think of these fake fur car seat covers from the swap meet my mom had in her Buick in the 80s. They were like a glamorous hug for car seats. A glamorous hug that smelled like old milk and piña colada oil from the car wash. Whenever I got the chance, I'd pull the covers off of her car seats and wear them off my shoulder thinking I was Alexis Carrington or some shit. Kingston should be grateful that he never had to wear car seat covers!!!!

Here's Kingston, Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale, Zuma Nesta Rock (that name still sounds like a limited-edition flavor from Arizona iced tea) and the nanny walking around Little Tokyo and the science museum in L.A. on Saturday afternoon.

My finger nails look like they've been chewed up by a cross-eyed warthog with an overbite and my greedy overgrown cuticles haven't felt the touch of a clipper in months and I could give a shit. But yet, here's 4-year-old Kingston Rossdale maintaining his hand and feet situation with his mother Gwen Stefani at a salon in West Hollywood, CA the other day.

Dude strolled out of there with a different shade of glitter on every nail and I've got the nails of a zombie with a Vitamin B deficiency. That's it, I'm pulling out the Hello Kitty manicure set from under my bed and handling this dreadful shit today. I cannot be shown up by a 4-year-old!