Skinny Bones Jones
Even Vivica Fox's elusive hairline jumped up towards Jesus when it saw this picture of 50 Cent looking more like 10 cents on the set of his new movie The Dave Chapelle Story. No, 50 apparently went all Christian Bale in The Machinist for a movie about a football player suffering from cancer. Thisis50.com explains:
50 Cent lost a lot of weight for his upcoming movie “Things Fall Apart”. In the movie 50 Cent plays a football player diagnosed with cancer. He dropped from 214 pounds to an astonishing 160 with a liquid diet and three-hour-a-day treadmill walks for nine weeks.
“I was starving.” Now he’s back on tour and says, “I’ve been eating. I’ll be back in shape in no time!”
It looks like all that weight moved from his body to his head. THAT HEAD! His medulla probably drank a few PB&C shakes. Damn. If you're outside in the daytime and the sky suddenly goes dark, don't think it's the end of the world. It's probably just 50 Cent bowing his head nearby. Just turn your watch back an hour and keep walking.
And why did he have to paste pieces of his grandma's old shag rug over his eyes? Things falling apart is right!
When most of us first met Nicole Richie back in the old days she was built like a succulent Cornish Game Hen with extra juice. But shortly after she hooked up with life sucker Rachel "Chupa" Zoe, she shrunk faster than a dick after sex. Some hos thought her "Feed the Children" body was the result of an eating disorder. But Nicole is shitting on those claims again in the new issue of Marie Claire UK, and thinks it was very irresponsible for bitches to think that.
Nicole said, "I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible. An eating disorder is serious and it's a disease. I think when you see me in person, you see that I'm, like, five foot one - I’m a small person.When I was heavier, everyone said I was too heavy. You can't win in the public eye and I find it really hard. So I ignore it now, I really do."
When Nicole was running around with the body of a dehydrated Mr. Burns, part of me did think she was barfing up her meals into Ziploc bags and storing them in her walk-in-closet (don't watch that episode of Intervention). But the bigger part of me just figured it was from the Parasite Hilton in her life. Bitch is like a tape worm.
While hawking out her new perfume called "Vintage," Kate Moss was asked by WWD what one of her mottos is. Kate replied:
"There are loads. There's 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.' That's one of them."
Why does this trick sound like my mother when I'm about to bite into a delicious glazed donut? Buzz killer.
Obviously, Kate has never eaten anything off the menu from Claim Jumper, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, Chili's, Marie Callender's, Applebees, Coco's, Wafflehouse, Cracker Barrel, El Torito, Old Spaghetti Factory, Panda Express, any State Fair or (insert the name of every restaurant who has fried anything on the menu).
You might have already seen the ridiculous Ralph Lauren ad on the left which was Photoshopped by a cross-eyed chihuahua who has a bad case of ADD and a strange fascination with tree branches. After everyone cried "outrage" over the pic, Ralph Lauren issued some half-assed apology saying they take full responsibility...blah..blah...blah. The model in the picture, Filippa Hamilton, doesn't actually look like that in real life. Filippa's head is actually bigger than her hips. Nuts, I know.
At 5'10" and 120lbs, Filippa is pretty svelte, but she still isn't skinny enough for Ralph Lauren. On the Today show this morning, Filippa said Ralph Lauren sent her to the guillotine, because she didn't look like she might fall over if you a blew a kiss at her.
Filippa said, "They fired me because they said I was overweight and I couldn't fit in their clothes anymore. I'm very proud of what I look like, and I think a role model should look healthy."
Karl Lagerfeld just went into cardiac arrest from having an ass orgasm over this.
Ralph Lauren confirmed to the NYDN that they pink-slipped Filippa "as a result of her inability to meet the obligations under her contract with us."
Maybe this has something to do with the recession. Maybe the brains at Ralph Lauren think that since people can't buy food, we will all look like malnourished praying (for food) mantises. Not only that, why pay Filippa when they can pull some random kid off the street and give them a couple of Skittles to draw the next Ralph Lauren ad:
Haven't you ever wondered how Posh keeps her body looking like the thinnest suppository in the box? Well, according to sources, she works out constantly. And no, I'm not talking about the good ole' "Kneel, Purge and Wipe" exercise. No, she goes to the actual gym.
A source said that Posh is so sick excess skin on her body that she works out before and after she eats. The source told Showbiz Spy, “She could probably sort it out by just putting on excess weight. But obviously she won’t! So Vic now works out before and after eating, and it’s even increased her appetite."
Posh's fitness regime includes running on the treadmill, lifting weights and Pilates.
LIFTING WEIGHTS?! What the hell kind of weights is she lifting? An unlit matchstick?! And what excess skin are they talking about?! Posh's skin is probably weepy, because it's HONGRAY and malnourished. It's got the sads!
The only workout Posh needs to do is the kind you do at Old Country Buffet. Trust me, that is a real workout. You have to slide out of the booth, walk over to the buffet, pick up a tray, put a piece of fried chicken on a plate, pick up the gravy boat, pour and then walk back. Exhausting! Some bitches have to train for weeks for that kind of marathon. And don't even get me started on what it takes to make a sundae at the ice cream station. That's like advanced aerobics.
Here's the walking skinpick wearing a dress made from a single napkin while leaving a fashion week party in London last night.
What in the praying mantis crackhooker hell is this?! Someone please throw a Biore pad on Posh Beckham, because bitch is greasier than Tommy Girl's dildo. Don't worry, it will only take one Biore pad since Posh is the size of a nose hair. And once you're finished doing that, feed her some water using an eyedropper, because she looks positively parched!
Anyway, here's Posh wearing a used barf bag at a Fashion Night Out event at Bergdorf Goodman in NYC last night. It always boggles my mind that Posh can go out on the streets of NYC without a pigeon pecking at her ass, because it thinks she's a discarded chicken bone.
Will someone please fetch Anna Wintour a glass of room temperature virgin's blood, because I think she's got a few of her intern's souls stuck in her throat. It's making her throat look obese. Heads will roll for this!
Here's the cryptkeeper of Vogue wearing something that Mrs. Roper queefed up at the premiere of The September Issue in NYC last night. That shit is a documentary about the making of Vogue's mighty September issue. Sienna Miller was there, because her vagina sensed large amounts of married dick in the area. And because she's on the cover of Vogue next month.
Other hos at the premiere were Cassie (who was working a half "The Legend of Billie Jean" buzzcut), Marc Jacobs, his piece, Zac Posen, everyone's favorite lemon-faced beard, Melania Trump, her big sack of money and Diddy.
St. Angie held on to ole' Brad Pitt at last night's Inglorious Basterds, because she was afraid a swift wind might come and carry her scrawny ass off, dropping her in Jennifer Aniston's front yard. If only.
Yeah, I know you're doing the eye roll, because she's wearing ANOTHER black dress, but she has to. If she doesn't, the black dress industry will file for bankruptcy and then the black dress would officially be extinct. Their future depends on St. Angie. Although, I don't think this was originally a black dress. Angie wasn't happy with any of the ten million black dresses her stylist showed her, so Maddox came to the rescue as usual. He cut the fingers off one of his leather gloves, snipped the tip and slipped it on Angie. Voila! It's still a little baggy, but it will do!
But seriously, I'm getting a "vintage St. Angie" vibe from these pictures. You know, the crazy ass Angie who used to wear blood around her neck and suck on her brother's face in public. That one. It's nice to see that bitch back...for a quick millisecond.
Christian Bale is really fucking serious. When dude plays a crackhead, he goes all the way. He crawls into the mind of Amy Wino and doesn't let go until the last "cut" is screamed. This is Christian on the set of The Fighter in L.A. yesterday. Dude plays a boxer turned crackie. Judging by those clothes, it looks more like he's playing Screech in a dark and dramatic sequel to Saved By The Bell.
That apple is probably the only thing he's nibbled on in days. Seriously, food and him are fucking done professionally...and personally. My stomach is weeping at the thought of how he lost all that weight. He probably just hung around Lindsay HoHan for an hour or two. Learn from the best!
And I'm guessing this is what you would call "meth hair."
When this picture of Courtney Love looking like a used q-tip covered in ear jizz made the rounds, everyone figured the only thing she was eating was Dexatrim, cigarette ash and the smegma underneath her nails (chock full of protein!). Well, you figured right. In an interview with Grazia (via The Daily Mail), Court says she needs to start eating food things.
Court said she's been ordered by a doctor to put on some chunk, " I know I've got too skinny. I know I need to sort it out. I am going to put on 15lbs in one month. I do not have body dysmorphia. Seriously, I want to get fatter. You know, when I was 192lbs, I thought I looked hot!My doctor gave me a massive shot of vitamins and told me to start eating. I need to start working out again. It's the stress - you have no idea what it has been like these last few months. I need to get to the bottom of this fraud, I need answers."
Here's the answer, Court: The money went up your nose and is dancing through your nervous system. It ain't coming back and it's not sending you a post card. It's time to throw the money a "Goodbye Forever" party at Outback. EAT THAT, please!
And Court's skinny-itis is more serious than I thought. Here's some pictures of her trolling NYC last night looking like something found in the roof gutters of Grey Gardens. Notice that her eyebrows have started eating at themselves, because they are hongray! Court, please start eating for the sake of your eyebrows!