Posh & Becks

David Beckham's World Cup dreams might not come true this year thanks to an injury he suffered during a match yesterday between AC Milan and Chievo Verona. Becks tore his Achilles tendon and scratched up his Easy Breezy Beautiful Face. Do you think Becks will believe me if I tell him that spreading my no-no-sporin on his cut will kill any possible infection?

Becks' rep says that he's flying to Finland to see a specialist and he's hoping he'll be fully recovered by World Cup. Posh is meeting Becks in Finland, because bitch is not going to let a torn Achilles tendon fuck with her money!

Shortly after the game ended, Becks issued a statement to his fans. Normally, I would tell you to read it in a Minnie Mouse voice. But since he's injured, read it in a "Chipette on helium while squeezing her ass cheeks" voice: "I am upset but want to thank everyone for their messages of support."

By the way, it is not okay for you to take advantage of Becks by Photoshopping yourself hitting him from the back in the picture above. It's not okay, which is exactly why you should do it anyway.

You know how sometimes the skinny bitch friend turns to the fat bitch friend and says something like, "Oh look! We wear the same size in earrings!" Well, Posh sort of pulled that shit on JLo when talking to 10 Magazine (via Showbiz Spy).

Posh queefed to the magazine, “My dresses are for women of all different shapes and sizes. Actually, the one I tried on yesterday was the one Jennifer wore. Who’d have thought I’d be the same size as Jennifer Lopez!”

Posh is just having a laugh. The only way she could fit into JLo's dress perfectly is if it successfully completed an entire season of The Biggest Loser. JLo is by no means fat (except for her ass), but she doesn't wear SIZE: ANT LEG like Posh. However, I bet Posh does share clothes with Skeletor. Now that would make sense.

When Posh is sitting on two down pillows (so her bony ass doesn't cut into the fine leather) in the first class section of an airplane, she refuses to even look at the food they have to offer. Which is why she had Gordon Ramsay's restaurant in London deliver food to her while she was making a connection at Heathrow. You know, Gordon Ramsay's ice chips are so delicious they make you want to sign a pact with the devil. And their iceberg lettuce leaves! Don't get me started.

The Daily Mail says, "With a planned change at Heathrow she decided on the perfect solution - and rang ahead for a tasty takeaway from her friend Gordon Ramsay. The chef is not known to offer such a service normally, but the T5 branch of his empire was happy to help. As Mrs Beckham, 34, waited for her connecting flight on Saturday, staff from Ramsay's Plane Food restaurant turned up with a little orange bag of goodies for her onward journey."

And you can tell Posh was ready to get serious with her food. Bitch has her eatin' shoes on! After Posh eats a full meal of two edamame seeds and a lemon wedge, she is too damny fatty fat fat to walk in her usual chopstick thin stilettos.

Italian TV presenter Elena Di Cioccio, who is kind of giving me SamRo fevah, wanted to find out if Becks' bulge of wonder in his Armani ads is 100% natural, so she decided to check for herself. Elena slipped on a pair of rubber gloves and waited outside of his hotel until he came out. While Becks was busy talking to the press, Elena gave him a "cough and drop" test (without the cough).

After Elena molested Becks' business, he backed away, threw hot daggers at her face with his eyes, and his security jumped in. It wasn't not funny to Becks, but Elena kept the joke going. She said to the cameras, "I touched it but it's small. David you have conned us all. What did you use cotton wool? It's all a trick."

The stunt aired on the comedy show Le Iene. A source close to the show tells Metro that they were just having a laugh, "It was just a joke and we hope that Beckham took it in the spirit it was meant."

Yes, because if a dude grabbed Posh' vagina without getting the thumbs up from her first, he'd be using that same hand to massage Pooki's prostate in the clink. But when a lady does it to Becks, it's a punchline!

Don't get me wrong, if Becks' balls were that close to me, I'd probably have to bite my own fingers off to stay away, but I listened to my kindergarten teacher when she told me to keep my shit to myself. Although, I obviously didn't listen to her when she told me to stop farting in my hand and smelling it (my John Mayer-ism of the day).

At an AC Milan vs. Juventus game in Turin, Italy yesterday, Becks ripped off his shirt and revealed a new tattoo of Jesus hanging out on his torso. The tattoo is apparently a copy of Matthew Brooks' The Man of Sorrows painting.

You know, I'm all for Jesus hanging out on Becks' torso, but just imagine going down on Becks. I mean, you're on your knees, licking on Becks' peen when you look up and see Jesus staring down at you? What do you do? Do you wait for Jesus to hold up a score card so you know how you're doing? Or do you let the Catholic guilt get to you and silently weep on Becks' peen (Note: Halting the blow job is not an option)? As if sucking dick wasn't pressure enough!

Here's more of Becks' Jesus tattoo along with pictures of Becks motorboating one of his teammates and pantsing himself on the field. Because even Becks can't resist pantsing Becks.

Posh Spice stomped through Paris yesterday trying not to be noticed by wearing an outfit only Posh Spice would wear outside of a "dress as your favorite cartoon character" S&M party. I lie. Detective La Toya also wears an ensemble like this when she's out pounding the cobblestone streets while in pursuit of the TRUTH. Speaking of, where has Det. La Toya been hiding lately? Wait just a cum shot minute. Maybe this isn't Posh at all? Maybe this is Detective La Toya in disguise? Damn, she really is good.

This is why Posh is a super alien from a far off planet. Any other ho who wore ankle-breaking stilts on a daily basis would have feet like a dead chicken, but not Posh! Posh is still able to glide around like her feet are wrapped in clouds from heaven. Shit, she probably falls and breaks her bones whenever she tries to walk in sneakers. Bitch has talent.

Here's Posh going to the yogurt store with her boys yesterday. Posh didn't get her own yogurt, because she gets full just from staring at it for a few quick seconds. Another talent!

Do Alien Princess RiRi, Woody Woodpecker and Becks all have the same hair butcher? All signs point to: YES!

Becks debuted his brand new "Attack of the Flowbee" haircut during an L.A. Galaxy game last night in Carson, CA. I don't know whether I want to give his new haircut a cracker or release it into a bird sanctuary. OR BOTH.

Obviously, there's only one way to fix this. Becks has to walk through life totally topless. Only his nipples can distract from that maimed cockatoo on his head.

That being said, I'd still scoot on that mess.

Since celebwhores are jizzing over the newest craze micro pigs, it's no surprise that Posh & Becks have jumped into the trough and bought their own adorable oink-ers. The Daily Mail says that Posh dropped £1400 on two tiny teacup pigs for her family. The pigs are currently living in luxury at BeckingHAM Palace in England.

Some source claims that Posh wants to name them Elton & David after her friends Elton John and David Furnish. But Becks thinks they should give them the names Pinky & Perky, which are two words that can be used to perfectly describe his voice.

It's a good thing Posh got her schnoz snipped not too long ago. Because if she didn't, she wouldn't be happy waking up to two tiny pigs suckling on her nipples for leche.

First of all, can you believe Posh is even staring at a caramel apple? I would think that Posh would never glance at such deliciousness out of fear that doing so will make her eyeballs fat. Or something. Hmm. Maybe she's not looking at the apple at all. Maybe she's jealous of how skinny that wooden stick is. Yeah, that's probably it.

Anyway, Posh debuted a new haircut at the Lakers game last night. The game was put on hold and everyone in the place spent a few hours analyzing every strand.

Even though Posh's new haircut is slightly less constipated than the last one, she still looks like she wouldn't even crack a smile if a flock of flying kittens flew by. That's the bitch I know. You can take a dozen laxatives to her hair to loosen it up, but Posh's asshole will stay clenched until the end of time.