Category: Zsa Zsa Gabor

The World Just Got A Lot Less Glamorous

December 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Every chandelier has automatically lowered itself half-mast today and every crystal flute of champagne that gets poured will be flat and bubble-less, because human diamond Zsa Zsa Gabor has been chauffeured off to the afterworld in a bright white Rolls Royce and has reunited with her sisters Eva and Magda. The legendary goddess of glamour and opulence Zsa Zsa Gabor (born name: Sári Gábor) died today at the age of 99.

During the past few years, Zsa Zsa has been through it. She was left paralyzed by a car accident in 2002 and three years later she suffered a stroke. Zsa Zsa then broke her hip and after a major bitch of a blood clot was found in her leg, doctors had to amputate it. Since then, Zsa Zsa has been laid up in her mansion with her last husband Frederic Prinz Von Anhalt. Because Zsa Zsa has gone through so much and kept on, kept on, I thought she was going to live as long as an actual diamond (read: forever). But leave it to 2016 to wait until almost the very last minute to deplete the world’s supply of glamour by at least a thousand percent.

TMZ says that Zsa Zsa had a heart attack in her home and was taken to the hospital where she was pronounced dead.

Zsa Zsa’s journey to dazzling the world with glamour and beauty started when she won Miss Hungary in 1936. Zsa Zsa followed her younger sister Eva Gabor to Hollywood and eventually got her big break when John Huston cast her in Moulin Rouge. Zsa Zsa went on to star in many, many movies and television shows. Zsa Zsa wasn’t really known as an actress. She was mostly known for her glamour, gorgeousness and her ability to make diamonds look more luxurious. Many obits I’ve read so far have called her the “original Kim Kardashian,” and I hope the ghost of Zsa Zsa is putting her legendary slapping hand to good use by slapping all those bitches who wrote that, because how dare they compare her to that!

Zsa Zsa was married nine times, including to Conrad Hilton.

And I can end with a million Zsa Zsa clips (seriously, I’ll be living on YouTube for the next few hours), but let’s end with one of Zsa Zsa reading a jealous trick on The Phil Donahue Show.

Rest in peace, Zsa Zsa. You are no longer suffering and can now get to work on finding husband number ten in heaven. (I’m sure a hundred angels proposed marriage to her ten seconds after she sashayed through the gates.) Thank you for your glamour, beauty and wisdom, dahling!

Pic: Getty

Light Your Baccarat Prayer Candelabra, Because Zsa Zsa Gabor Is In The Hospital

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about precious Hungarian diamond Zsa Zsa Gabor, she had just realized that one of her legs was amputated…over 6 months beforehand. That sad story took the sparkle out of every rhinestone broach from here to Budapest. That was over 3 years ago. I was hoping that Zsa Zsa would eventually make her grand return to the spotlight by using her diamond-encrusted prosthetic leg to kick the likes of the Kartrashians off of the ho stroll, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon.

Zsa Zsa’s 99th birthday was a few days ago and I’m sure we all celebrated by toasting to her with a Waterford crystal champagne flute (read: a plastic backyard cup from CB2) full of vintage Dom Perignon (read: sparkling white grape soda and Belle Ambiance Pinot Grigio from Target) while wearing a Cartier tiara (read: a tiara made from aluminum foil balls). But now we need to take off our aluminum foil tiaras and form a prayer circle because she’s in the hospital.

Zsa Zsa’s husband Frederic von Anhalt (Remember him?) tells TMZ that she was taken to the hospital on Monday after she had trouble breathing at home. Before she went to the hospital, her doctor went to her house and tried to fix her breathing woes by removing mucus from her throat. That didn’t work. Zsa Zsa was later admitted into the hospital. The doctors discovered that she has a lung infection caused by her feeding tube. They’re going to take her to surgery where her breathing tube will be removed.

During the past 14 or so years, Zsa Zsa has been through it. She was left partially paralyzed after a car accident, she had a stroke, she had hip replacement surgery, she had her leg amputated and now this. Every time the Grim Reaper comes to visit, she slaps him down. Keep slapping that whore, Zsa Zsa!

Pic: Getty

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Zsa Zsa Gabor Barely Found Out That Her Leg Was Amputated

September 19, 2012 / Posted by:

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s leg was surgically Heather Mills’d early last year after a glamour-hating blood clot of bitchiness refused to go away. Since then, Zsa Zsa’s been lying on the pink satin comforter on the princess bed in her boudoir and she didn’t notice that the white marabou slipper on her other leg was all by itself until six months after the fact. Prince Von A-Hole, Zsa Zsa’s husband and the warden of her crystal prison, told Page Six at a charity event in L.A. the other night that she barely found out she only has one leg and she doesn’t even know that she eats through a feeding tube. Prince Von-A-Hole said this about the moment 95-year-old Zsa Zsa found out that something was different:

“It took over a half a year. She found out about it when she told me to sit her up, and she saw it. She couldn’t feel it because [one] hand is paralyzed and [one] hand was too short to go on it .  Finally, a half-year later she said, ‘There is something missing.’ She doesn’t even know she gets food through the tube. It will only upset her. She was so glamorous always, and she is so vain.”

How depressing. If I had a jewelry chest full of rhinestones, I’d put them all on, fill the fancy plastic bowl I stole from a wedding with Andre and dunk my head in there for the rest of the day. Prince Von A-Hole also said that he hasn’t told Zsa Zsa that her good friend Phyllis Diller flew off to heaven on the wings of a wig, because he doesn’t want to give her any bad news. So Zsa Zsa’s missing leg has been gilded and is displayed on the wall of the Smithsonian somewhere (I’m guessing), her hand is taking a permanent nap (please don’t tell me it’s her slappin’ hand) and he doesn’t want to give her bad news? Lord.

If I was Zsa Zsa, I’d want Prince Von A-Hole to give me all the shitty news right now. Because knowing that I’m going to spend the rest of my life looking at his face makes all the crappy news seem not that bad in comparison.

Zsa Zsa Gabor Has Slipped Into A Coma

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

As chandeliers everywhere slowly start to lose their shine, Zsa Zsa Gabor returned to UCLA Medical Center this afternoon after her feeding tube started to squirt blood everywhere. Zsa Zsa was barely released from the hospital on Monday after she won a battle with pneumonia. Zsa Zsa’s husband, who can’t fart without calling TMZ’s tip line first, tells CNN that doctors are working right now to revive her. Prince von Anhalt says that she’s not responding.

What the hell hasn’t Zsa Zsa been through over the past couple of years?! I’m surprised a lightning bolt hasn’t hit her hospital bed as a shark went flying through the window. Damn. Damn. Damn. Zsa Zsa got her hip replaced, they took her damn leg and she’s 94 years old! If you make it to 94 years old, you should be spending your days swatting at your little grandchildren dressed up like cops (to relive the glory days)! You shouldn’t be lying up in a hospital bed for the 1,974th time this year.

Oh, Zsa Zsa. Well, while her body’s in a coma, maybe her mind is waltzing with a diamond-encrusted man in a sea of champagne bubbles and swan feathers.

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Zsa Zsa Thinks She’s Next

March 24, 2011 / Posted by:

Zsa Zsa Gabor is back in the hospital today after the stress of hearing about Elizabeth Taylor’s death sent her blood pressure rising towards the heavens. Zsa Zsa believes in the three death theory and thinks she’s going to be the third angel next to Jane Russell and Elizabeth. Zsa Zsa’s husband Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, who never misses an opportunity to blow into the media’s ear, tells Radar that his wife went “hysterical” after finding out about the death of her good friend on the news yesterday morning.

I bet it’s some glamorous shit when Zsa Zsa rolls into hysterics. She pulls off her diamond clip-on earrings, shoos the menagerie of fluffy white dogs off her bed and grabs at the pink satin curtains hanging off the canopy while trying to find the light that will make her single tear drop twinkle.

Zsa Zsa’s rep pretty much echoed Prinz von Anhtal’s words to AP and said that she screamed out: “Oh, Jane Russell and Liz Taylor — I’m next.” But her rep thinks she’ll live forever, “She’s not going to be the third.”

Zsa Zsa (or JA JA as my Salvadorian mother calls her) is 94-years-old and has been in the hospital more than an objectophile with an appetite for jumbo wine jugs, but I still believe she’ll outlive us all! The gatekeeper up in heaven isn’t quite ready for Zsa Zsa to slap him after he asks for her identification.

Since we’re on the subject of glamour, here’s Joan Collins at the premiere of “His Way” in L.A. the other night. Joan is answering to those wig accusations by flashing her natural hairline. Even though Joan looks like she ran out in the middle of getting her hair washed, she’s still all kinds of ravishing.

Doctors Want To Amputate Zsa Zsa’s Other Leg

March 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Here’s some tragic news that makes me want to throw on a pink marabou robe and slap cops up and down the street while shouting at the cloud islands above, “Hasn’t Zsa Zsa been through enough?!!!” Zsa Zsa Gabor’s rep confirms to Popeater that she waved away her doctors advice to amputate her OTHER leg. Just how many of Zsa Zsa’s legs do they fucking want?!

Zsa Zsa’s right leg was amputated in January because of an evil blood clot that wouldn’t quit being evil, and she was hospitalized on Wednesday when her left leg’s blood flow refused to cooperate. This is already after Zsa Zsa spent some time on a hospital bed because she caught a high fever and developed fluid in her lungs. Zsa Zsa is currently on medication, but doctors say she won’t survive another year if they don’t amputate her other leg.

Zsa Zsa would be as fabulous as Pedro Martell without legs, but she knows it’s time for her to sniff on champagne bubbles from a crystal flute instead of breathing in anesthesia over and over again. Before Zsa Zsa turns into crystal and drapes herself over the chandelier in heaven, she should spend her days with her diamonds and Alex Trebek.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

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