Category: Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel Had Her Second Baby

May 9, 2017 / Posted by:

When Zooey Deschanel got knocked up two years ago, I naturally assumed she would give it an extremely precious name, and she didn’t disappoint. Zooey and her husband Jacob Pechenik named their daughter Elsie Otter.

Zooey got pregnant again and her rep confirmed to People that she gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles last week. Zooey went full-Zooey with this new baby’s name too. I’m starting to think Zooey might be taking her baby naming inspiration from the first three letters of her name. Because just like her first baby, this new baby is also named after a zoo animal.

Zooey gave birth to a baby boy that she and Jacob named Charlie Wolf Pechenik.

If Zooey was trying to relaunch The Get Along Gang, she’s going the right way for it. Elsie Otter and Charlie Wolf sound like two scrappy problem-solving critters who end every day with a hug and a song about a moral. When explaining Elsie’s middle name, she claimed she picked it because otters are sweet and smart. I wonder why they chose wolf? Maybe Baby Charlie came out howling instead of crying or got weird the night of the first full moon.

All I know is that now Zooey and Jacob are pretty much locked into this whole Pacific Northwest animal middle name theme. Hopefully if there’s a next time, she thinks about naming her third baby after one of the Pacific Northwest’s less-popular residents: the Banana Slug. Poor ol’ banana slug gets no love.

Pic: Wenn.com

So, I Guess Lorde Didn’t Get Kicked Out Of Taylor Swift’s Squad For Hanging Out With Diplo

February 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.

But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.

While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!

gwenvanityfair2016

It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.

And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Zooey Deschanel Gave Her Baby A Very Zooey Deschanel Name

October 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.

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While Everybody Gets Divorced, Zooey Deschanel Gets Married

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And had a baby!

Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.

Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.

Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.

That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one.  Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.

Pic: Wenn.com

Zooey Deschanel Wants You To Know That Whole “Adorkable” Thing Isn’t The Real Her

April 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Totally off topic, but seeing Zooey Deschanel ringing a triangle on the toilet has given me a great idea. My biggest fear – hand to god – is getting my ass stuck on the toilet and not being able to make enough noise for someone to come save me and eventually my ass grows into the toilet seat and I become an A&E reality show called I Live On The Toilet, so yeah – I might start keeping a triangle in the bathroom. Thanks, Zooey.

During an interview with the Huffington Post (via E!), Etsy’s unofficial mascot Zooey Deschanel made it very clear that she’s nothing like her New Girl character Jess, and that whole “adorkable” thing was just a bunch of made-up marketing BS:

“That was something that was calculated, you know what I mean? That was our marketing department at Fox and they did a really good job with our first season, but that’s a word that describes the character that I play, not me. I don’t personally have identification with that word myself.”

She also went on to hiss at the haters who would ever refer to her as adorable and/or dorky:

“I don’t really care what people think of me. I know that sounds crazy because you’re supposed to care about what people think of you, I guess, as an actor, but I really don’t. Obviously I’m grateful for all of the opportunities that I’ve had thus far, including New Girl, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who knows me use that word to describe me, so it’s not of any consequence to me.”

Both Zooey and her New Girl character always look like the first runner-ups of a Quirky Beauty Pageant (their talent being either a ukelele performance of Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” or awkward shrugging), so she really can’t be that surprised when people get the two of them confused.

But I get that she wouldn’t want to be associated with the word “adorkable”; I’ve broken several ribs cringing hard at that word. It’s a health and safety issue, really.

So who is the real Zooey? My guess is Secret Juggalo.

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Zooey Deschanel Is Getting Married Again

January 21, 2015 / Posted by:

One week after she announced that she was knocked-up with a tiny hand-crocheted ukelele-strumming vintage fetus, UsWeekly says that Zooey Deschanel is engaged to her baby daddy producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik. Congrats, Zooey, you just hit the hipster wedding jackpot: adorable pregnant bride.

Zooey was married once before to Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard from 2009 to 2011, but that ended due to “irreconcilable differences” (aka they couldn’t stop fighting over whose turn it was to sit cross-legged in the living room singing broody songs to no one in particular while they strummed on a second-hand acoustic guitar). But maybe Jacob really likes the never-ending sound of Christmas carols coming out of Zooey’s sing-hole, or he’s got a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and doesn’t care.

Baby Deschanel-Pechenik is due some time this summer, and UsWeekly doesn’t say when Zooey and Jacob are planning on getting married, but I’m going to guess it will be soon. Zooey strikes me as one of those old fashioned types that need a ring on their finger before they push out a kid, so I won’t be surprised to see a baby-bloated Zooey wrapped in 5 yards of thrift store lace curtains clutching ten wild daisies in one hand and a barf bag in the other as she shuffles down the aisle of a vintage bowling alley.

And I really want to see the quirky engagement ring Jacob proposed to her with. I know he’s only been with Zooey for about 6 months, so I hope he had enough time to find a taxidermied squirrel tooth set in an antique gold harmonica.

Pic: Splash

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