It was my assumption that co-starring in one of the most culturally significant films of the last 25 years would earn you a spot in the Hollywood Hall of Fame and guaranteed you whatever you wanted for free for life, but apparently that’s not true. According to Zoe Saldana, Hollywood draws the line at paying for your nannies. Zoe recently admitted to USA Today that while actors are eyeball-deep in champagne-filled Jacuzzis and hand jobs with caviar, someone from accounting has denied her a few extra dollars to pay the babysitter.
“[Studios] spend more money sometimes ‘perking’ up male superstars in a movie. A really phat penthouse or them staying in a yacht instead of them staying on land. But then a woman comes in going, ‘OK, I have a child. You’re taking me away from my home. You’re taking my children away from their home. And you’re going to make me work a lot more hours than I usually would if I was home. Therefore, I would have to pay for this nanny for more hours – so I kind of need that. And they go, ‘Nope, we don’t pay for nannies.'”
It’s probably safe to assume that a nanny doesn’t cost anywhere near as much as a “really phat” penthouse, right? If the studios are so concerned with the cost of all that nanny overtime, maybe they should think about downgrading their penthouse situation from “phat” to “sweet“.
Shortly after Zoe slapped at Hollywood for being a bunch of baby-hating cheapskates, her rep called up USA Today and told them: “With any production, there is always a negotiating process“, and that the nanny overtime situation had been sorted out. I hope they were able to negotiate a better deal than I did when I still babysat kids (anything past midnight would cost an extra dollar and give me permission to eat whatever I wanted from the baking cupboard).
Here’s more of the Norma Rae of rich actress moms and husband at a film event a couple days ago. Bonus hotness: Mark Ruffalo!
For a very long time, whenever I saw a picture of Zoe Saldana and her hot hipster husband, I would just refer to him as “Zoe Saldana’s Hot Hipster Husband” or “Fabio of Williamsburg.” Eventually I learned that Zoe Saldana’s husband had a name, and it was Marco Perego. Now it looks like I’m going to have to take a dry cloth and wipe away the name “Perego” from the white board in my brain, because that’s not his name anymore. Zoe Saldana recently admitted during an interview with InStyle (via UsWeekly) that her husband decided to go by “Mr. Marco Saldana” ever since they made it legal two years ago.
“I tried to talk him out of it. I told him, ‘If you use my name, you’re going to be emasculated by your community of artists, by your Latin community of men, by the world.’ Marco looks up at me and says, ‘Ah, Zoe, I don’t give a shit.'”
I’m with Marco on this one. If you have the opportunity to take your name from fairly sexy to mucho sexo (Marco Saldana is a very sexy name), you should take it. And if anyone gives him stank eye because he took his wife’s last name, he can just be like “My name is Marco Saldana, your opinion is invalid.”
At least we know Marco did it for the right reasons. If Marco’s motivation for changing his name was to take advantage of his famous wife’s last name and get special treatment, he would have legally changed it to Marco Kit-from-Crossroads. Nothing says “Right this way, sir!” like letting people know you’re married to the third-billed star of one of the greatest movies ever made.
I don’t know if that dress she’s wearing is Dolce & Gabbana, but she should’ve boycotted that mess before putting it on because the top part looks like it’s having a heavy flow day.
While famous rich people like Andy Cohen are selling their Dolce & Gabbana suits on eBay and Courtney Love is planning to torch all of hers, Zoe Saldana is shitting all over #BoycottDolceGabbana and says she’s not going to let D&G’s words about gay families and kids born via IVF keep her from wearing their clothes. At last night’s GLAAD Media Awards in L.A., E! asked Zoe her thoughts about the boycott, because they know her history of dribbling out dumb shit and probably figured she’d give them some gold. Zoe thinks that D&G’s words may have gotten lost in translation and she isn’t going to “refute” when they adopt synthetic babies. This is the thought that was made when Zoe’s brain cell folded and rubbed against itself:
“No! Not at all, that would be the stupidest thing if it affected my fashion choice. People are allowed to their own opinion, however, I wouldn’t have chosen to be so public about something that’s such a personal thing. Obviously it caused some sensitivity, but then again if you continue to follow the news, you see they all kinda hugged it out, so why are we making a big deal about it?
I’m certainly not going to stop wearing Dolce, and I’m certainly not going to be refuting when they are adopting synthetic children, however they wanted to say it. I do think things are lost in translation.
My husband [Marco Perego] is from Italy and if I judged him based on the words that he misuses in our English language he wouldn’t be here today. It’s like look people, have a drink, relax, it’s okay.”
Okay, I get that she’s not boycotting D&G and that’s great and everything, but the HELL was she trying to say when she said, “I’m certainly not going to be refusing when they are adopting synthetic children“? Was “refuting” on her Word of the Day calendar that day? If Zoe ever writes her memoirs, she better title that shit The Refuting Androgynous. Talk about lost in translation, but her response as a whole wasn’t completely lost in translation. What she meant was: “KEEP SENDING ME THAT FREE D&G YOU, RAYON BABY HATERS, YOU!”
Here’s Zoe and her hipster Fabio husband last night.
While most of us were celebrating New Years Eve cleaning someone else’s vomit off our shirts (dear everyone I threw up on Wednesday night: I’m sorry, your muffin basket is in the mail), Zoe Saldana was doing the same thing, except she knew where the vomit was coming from and it probably didn’t smell like champagne mixed with Swiss Chalet dipping sauce (again, sorry everyone). Back in December, there were whispers that Zoe Saldana had finally pushed out the twin babies living inside her, but Zoe had no comment, which either meant the whisper was a lie and they were still living inside her, or she just didn’t want to talk about it. Either way, she’s finally ready to talk about the babies she made with her hot human vintage store of a husband Marco Perego.
This morning, Zoe introduced us to her babies (sort of) by Instagramming a picture of her “first meal of 2015”, followed by a close-up of the baby bottles that accompanied her cheese plate with the caption:
“Our boys CY and BOWIE are finally here. #marcoperego and I wanted to thank you for your beautiful wishes and for your patience.“
She doesn’t specify when they were born, but she did tell us what she named them, and that’s all that matters to me. I had a feeling they were going to go with some thing from the Hipster Guide to Too-Cool Baby Names, and I see they didn’t let me down: Cy Perego sounds like an old-timey blacksmith from Brooklyn who makes custom metal moustache twirlers, and Bowie Perego sounds like a back-up melodica player for Arcade Fire. And when you put them together, they sound like a small-batch local kombucha bottling company. Good job, you two!
I say “finally”, because it honestly seems like forever since I wrote about her getting knocked up. Only July? That can’t be right. Was there a recent tear in the space-time continuum that I’m not aware of? Whatever, I’ll look it up later. What really matters here is that Kit from Crossroads (aka Zoe Saldana) and her hot Hipster Fabio husband Marco Perego are now the parents to a set of twin babies.
According to The Mirror, Zoe gave birth in a Los Angeles hospital on Monday, but not much else is known. We don’t know if she had boys or girls, what their names are, or if they exited the womb with a full head of their father’s gorgeous hair blowing in slow-motion. The last one is really the only one I care about. A friend (Lucy and/or Mimi) says this about Zoe and her new babies:
“Zoe and Marco are delighted. Zoe has been ready to drop for some time and they are both ecstatic to be meeting the twins. This a dream come true for both of them, they are absolutely delighted. They have been looking forward this day for the last nine months. Both want a big family so this is the start.”
Hmmm, I wonder if they’re delighted. Zoe has hissed at the media before about invading her privacy, so I have a feeling we won’t know much about her babies until some blabbermouth (*cough* BRITNEY SPEARS *cough*) spills the beans. Until then, I’m going to assume they named their babies something very hipster-y. Don’t let me down, Zoe and Marco – I’ve got $20 on the names “Writer Compass” and “Weather Nutmeg” in the Dlisted hipster baby name pool.
Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb
Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.
"I believe that any violation of privacy is nothing good."~Lech Walesa. I would like to thank all the fucking media for invading our privacy
— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) July 24, 2014
Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.
My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.
Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.
The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.
And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!
Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!