In preparation for her role as an anorexic and bulimic character in the upcoming film The Road Within, the spawn of Lenny Kravitz and Denise Huxtable had to make herself look as skinnay as possible, but instead of throwing on an XXXL t-shirt and pushing her shoulders forward until her collarbones looked like Angelina Jolie’s checks in Maleficent, Zoe Kravitz told Us Weekly that she lost 20 lbs by throwing clay in a blender and pulsing it on high till it resembled liquid regret:
“I did a cleanse. I tried to do it the healthiest way as possible, even though it’s not healthy to do. I ended up drinking clay, because it cleans out your body and fills you up. I was eating like a Mason jar of pureed vegetables a day and running.”
I’m no scientist (unless watching every episode of Dr. Fad counts) but I think the reason she lost all that weight was because clay is disgusting? Clay isn’t even a food – it’s what you use to make busted-looking snake pots for your mom in art class. I’m sure she got the idea to stuff her face with greasy grey sludge from her Divergent co-star, clay connoisseur Shay-Lean Woodley, but Zoe Kravitz probably could have also lost 20 lbs by taking notes from the woman who eats couch cushions on TLC’s My Strange Addiction.
And you know that somewhere in Calabasas, there’s a distraught Pimp Mama Kris huddled over the giant reserve of clay she keeps stockpiled in her basement for future upgrades to her Silly Putty-looking face, frantically trying to decide Sophie’s Choice-style whether she should keep it or feed it all to Rob Kardashian.
I guess the Slut Dress had a more important, classier engagement last night (hosting a pool party in Vegas, then giving a lap dance to a Saudi prince in exchange for vouchers for the Bebe outlet) so she sent her sluttier unemployed cousin, the Skank Dress, in her place to the Divergent premiere in Los Angeles last night.
If Skank Dress looks familiar to you, it’s because you might remember her from a small role in the movie Showgirls. But after spending most of her earnings on fixing numerous botched alterations, she had to make ends meet by getting into unlicensed Brazilian waxing and was eventually busted during a Craigslist sting. So it’s really nice to see her finally get some honest work on the body of Maggie Q. Sadly, Skank Dress was unceremoniously upstaged by human bundle of patchouli-scented sage, Shay-Lean Woodley, and her homage to sun-kissed pubes:
It’s like she said to her stylist: “I want a dress that embodies the spirit of two pube-covered pussy lips freshly spritzed with Tropical Breeze Sun-In glistening in the hot summer sun.” Good on Shay-Lean for not only talking the talk, but walking the walk…and also for not walking the walk in those fucking toe shoes.
Here’s more of Skank Dress (and Maggie Q, but let’s be honest, she’s not the important one here) and Shay-Lean, as well as Kate Winslet, part-time James Franco impersonator Theo James, the most over-it girl at David Goldstein’s 90210-themed bar mitzvah Zoë Kravitz, and Jaden Smith, who looks like he’s traded in his signature constipated face for a shit-eating grin and the leftover wardrobe from a New Radicals music video.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
I totally thought he was a fagatron. Note – I like big, fat, hairy man ass and am myself a “fagatron”. That’s right, I’m taking back the word “fagatron” for the gay community and making it’s power work for us! Oh, dear.
Just like Michael K. signed off to me with a “love you long time” in an e-mail this morning, and I was like – wow – half-Asian people can do that without sounding racist. If I did that, I would sound like Dick #1 or a villain from a Dick Tracy cartoon.
Here’s some pics of Penn Badgley’s “Muppet-looking ass” (TM – Michael K. in the aforementioned e-mail) with the object of Jodie Foster’s Captain Save-A-Ho dyke vigilantism from The Brave One. They’re hanging out in Miami. That movie rocks. As she kills more people, she looks more lesbian. It was the role she was born to
Good for Penn for eschewing the product to let it all air out on the beach. Truth be told, this shit happens to me too. If I don’t risk cancer by putting so much shit in my hair that patches of my scalp burn and insects are caught and drown in the mess, I have 80s puffy helmet hair. It doesn’t grow long, IT EXPANDS. Like the end of a TAMPON. It’s humiliating. I support the fagotron. Zoe Kraviz is going to lose shit in that, though. You know, besides her dignity for bearding for the guy who’s fucking Marcia Cross’ Desperate Housewives son. She isn’t surreptitiously bouncing on his dick under the water like some of you dirty bitches think. They’re both tinkling at the same time like giddy girlfriends and giggling over it.
Shit, that hair is gonna topple him. She is way too petite to be able to lift him up if that happens. They’re gonna have to call a cabana boy and then Penn’s gonna wanna suck him off. Awkward.
Here’s Jason Momoa with a side of Zoe Kravitz and a side of Lisa Bonet at the L.A. premiere of Conan the Barbarian, which is a shit show I’ll wait to see in the comfort of my own private space so I can watch his King’s Hawaiian sweet bread pecs bounce in slow motion. But this isn’t about Jason Momoa’s King’s Hawaiian sweet bread pecs, surprisingly. This is about THOSE BROWS!
I’ve given several sermons about Jason’s hairy eye triangles, but I’m still torn. There’s the cholita lover in me that wants to wax them off with one swipe and throw them toward the Klingon homeland of Qo’noS where they belong. But then there’s a part of me that think they look like the gentle waves that carried Jason Momoa to the shores of Hawaii after Neptune made him by mating with a black pearl oyster during a falling star storm. TORN!
While I continue to tear myself apart over this very important eyebrow issue, here’s some more pictures from the premiere of this generation’s He-Man movie including some pictures of Rose McGowan and Rachel Nichols. I’m guessing it rained Crisco in L.A. last night, because everybody looks greasy as all hell. Like they were in the wrong place when Tommy Girl sprayed out a lube fart. Well, everybody but Rose McGowan was greasy. But that’s only because her skin is made of blotting papers. Rose is totally what it would look like if a sculptor with arthritis made a baby powder figure of Dixie Carter.