Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.
I’m so used to seeing Oprah Winfrey giving tons of high-energy excitement on the cover of O Magazine, that it’s a little weird to see her working such drabness on the cover of Vanity Fair’s annual Hollywood Issue. I know the theme of ever Hollywood Issue “Stars who forgot to pop an Ambien the night before and only got 2 hours of sleep,” and I’ll applaud Oprah for playing along. But you know there’s a part of her that wanted to drop Reese Witherspoon, rip off that black satin duvet cover to reveal a shimmering jewel-toned gown underneath, throw up her arms and crank a full-tooth smile behind a headline that reads “2018 Is Your Year To SHINE!”
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
The only thing that’s more exhausted than a casino cocktail waitress when I’m at the penny slots (heyyyy, big spendahhhhh!) is the Spider-Man franchise. So it only makes sense this Spider-Man media tour would also reboot the old “the co-stars might be dry humping” story. People reports Spider-Man: Homecoming star Zendaya is helping co-star Tom Holland shoot more than spiderwebs out of his canister, as the two have been dating while filming.
At last night’s L.A. premiere of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Hannibal Buress, who plays Coach Wilson in it, walked the red carpet and did some interviews. The only problem is, despite what that lower third super would lead you to believe, that’s not Hannibal Buress, obviously.
The new Spider-Man movie comes out this July, and I have a serious feeling that the creators of that shit have scheduled an EMERGENCY CODE RED reshoot of its ending. They know that it can no longer end with Spider-Man doing whatever Spider-Man does to beat the main villain played by Michael Keaton. It needs to end with Spider-Man destroying Michael Keaton by crotch-thrusting and gyrating while wearing a $10 polyester wig and some latex bloomers.
20-year-old Tom Holland and his 20-year-old Spider-Man co-star, Zendaya, were both on Lip Sync Battle and while she did Bruno Mars and Erykah Badu, he tucked and plucked to do RiRi’s Umbrella. If a dude action star goes on Lip Sync Battle, he’s probably going to do lazy drag, but what really brought out the puckers from Tom’s performance was his nipple-burning moves. Tom is a trained dancer, but I bet that he’s been practicing the Umbrella choreography for years in his bedroom, because he knew that one day he’d get cast in a major comic book movie and he’d get to promote it while lip-synching as RiRi on some American TV show.
Tom’s lip-synching makes Britney Spears look like she could win every Lip Synch For Your Life on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about him working it like his rent, his mama’s rent, his daddy’s rent, his grandma’s rent, his auntie’s rent and his cousin’s rent was due weeks ago and they’re all about to be put out.
Tom Holland's full performance of Rihanna's “Umbrella" on Lip Sync Battle.
He did that. TOM HOLLAND DID THAT EVERYONE 👏🏽 pic.twitter.com/ZpKC6s8moY
— peter parker (@fcukspiderman) May 8, 2017
And is it just me or does Tom Holland in RiRi drag loos more like a young Clea DuVall in Posh Spice circa 2001 drag? Yeah, just me? Thought so.
Here’s the White RiRi promoting Spider-Man with his other co-star, Laura Harrier, in São Paulo last week:
Pics: MTV, Backgrid