The only thing that’s more exhausted than a casino cocktail waitress when I’m at the penny slots (heyyyy, big spendahhhhh!) is the Spider-Man franchise. So it only makes sense this Spider-Man media tour would also reboot the old “the co-stars might be dry humping” story. People reports Spider-Man: Homecoming star Zendaya is helping co-star Tom Holland shoot more than spiderwebs out of his canister, as the two have been dating while filming.
At last night’s L.A. premiere of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Hannibal Buress, who plays Coach Wilson in it, walked the red carpet and did some interviews. The only problem is, despite what that lower third super would lead you to believe, that’s not Hannibal Buress, obviously.
The new Spider-Man movie comes out this July, and I have a serious feeling that the creators of that shit have scheduled an EMERGENCY CODE RED reshoot of its ending. They know that it can no longer end with Spider-Man doing whatever Spider-Man does to beat the main villain played by Michael Keaton. It needs to end with Spider-Man destroying Michael Keaton by crotch-thrusting and gyrating while wearing a $10 polyester wig and some latex bloomers.
20-year-old Tom Holland and his 20-year-old Spider-Man co-star, Zendaya, were both on Lip Sync Battle and while she did Bruno Mars and Erykah Badu, he tucked and plucked to do RiRi’s Umbrella. If a dude action star goes on Lip Sync Battle, he’s probably going to do lazy drag, but what really brought out the puckers from Tom’s performance was his nipple-burning moves. Tom is a trained dancer, but I bet that he’s been practicing the Umbrella choreography for years in his bedroom, because he knew that one day he’d get cast in a major comic book movie and he’d get to promote it while lip-synching as RiRi on some American TV show.
Tom’s lip-synching makes Britney Spears look like she could win every Lip Synch For Your Life on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about him working it like his rent, his mama’s rent, his daddy’s rent, his grandma’s rent, his auntie’s rent and his cousin’s rent was due weeks ago and they’re all about to be put out.
Tom Holland's full performance of Rihanna's “Umbrella" on Lip Sync Battle.
He did that. TOM HOLLAND DID THAT EVERYONE 👏🏽 pic.twitter.com/ZpKC6s8moY
— peter parker (@fcukspiderman) May 8, 2017
And is it just me or does Tom Holland in RiRi drag loos more like a young Clea DuVall in Posh Spice circa 2001 drag? Yeah, just me? Thought so.
Here’s the White RiRi promoting Spider-Man with his other co-star, Laura Harrier, in São Paulo last week:
Pics: MTV, Backgrid
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.
“Gee whiz, if only I was bitten by a radioactive lunch lady, then I’d have the power to save my mouth from this grody cafeteria pizza!”
The news that we were getting a fresh-outta-Pampers Spider-Man was a major clue that the latest Spider-Man reboot was going to feel like a superhero movie released by the Disney Channel. Sony released the first trailer for Spider-Man: Homecoming during Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, and it’s definitely giving off that vibe. Tom Holland is 20 years old in real life, but they really high school-ed up this version of Peter Parker. It doesn’t help that his haircut makes him look like a “15-year-old at Sears Portrait Studio with his mom.”
The only way I feel comfortable referring to this Peter Parker as “Spider-Man” would be if Marisa Tomei’s Aunt May opened the movie by showing the audience pictures from Peter Parker’s bar mitzvah. “And this is the day Peter became a man. So technically it’s not weird to call him Spider-Man. Now on with the show!”
We also get a look at Zendaya, who may or may not be playing Mary Jane Watson, and she’s giving me the so-edgy aspiring Instagram stylist version of a young Enid Coleslaw and a vintage copy of Sassy. We also get to see Michael Keaton as The Vulture, which feels a little weird. I mean, it’s a grown-ass man telling a teen boy he’s going to kill him. That sounds like the kind of fight that would happen in the parking lot of a Walmart between the cart boy and the uptight owner of the Audi he joy rode a cart into.
Here’s Zendaya earlier this week at the opening of the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen.
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.