“Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”
In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.
Here’s Brad Pitt looking like a seasoned gay hustler circa 1980 who advertises as a “Robert Redford lookalike” in the back pages of the Village Voice. What I’m saying is that Brad Pitt hasn’t looked this glamorous in a long time.
The Brangeloonie holiday season known as Brangemas has officially begun, because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith Get Artsy comes out next month and so they’ve begun whoring it out. St. Angie already did the cover of Vogue and now it’s Brad Pitt’s turn to deliver some “freshmen at Barbizon” moves in a magazine. V Magazine released a few pictures and a few not-so-juicy quotes from the interview:
On making an ULTRA DRAMATIC 70s perfume commercial about the death of a marriage right after getting married: “It was probably not the wisest way to spend a honeymoon. But then again, fighting to make something together… What better metaphor for marriage? It’s not a film that responds to the current zeitgeist or storytelling-rather, a quiet, mature look at the challenges of love and adult loss.”
On why they decided to do By The Sea together: “The plan was to make something together, with complete autonomy, in the footsteps of Gena [Rowlands] and John [Cassavetes] – and keep it a family affair. We, by our own admission, were overdue. If I’m going to work, I want to work with my wife.
On how he’s got his PhD in boozing: “I play a good drunk because I’ve been a good drunk.”
On taking direction from St. Angie: “It’s surprising how much I enjoy the direction of my wife. She’s decisive, incredibly intuitive, knife-sharp, and might I say, sexy at her post. I trust her with my life.”
I threw an “uh huh” at Brad Pitt saying he loves it when St. Angie orders him round and tells him what to do. V should ask him the same question when he acts up and St. Angie makes him go into the time out corner where he throws a silent tantrum and punches the air because he knows she’s going to put him on weed restriction for a week. I bet he doesn’t like her bossing him around then!
Here’s more of Brad Pitt doing his best Robert Redford in V as well as pictures of St. Angie and the child army at LAX yesterday.
Since I know all of you go to church every single Sunday morning, don’t be too surprised when you find that all the Bibles in the pews have been replaced with November’s issue of Vogue. Who needs those stupid Psalms or whatever when you’ve got pictures of the entire chosen family to cleanse your dirty soul and wash away all your sins. Annie Leibovitz took all the pictures of Dame St. Angie Jolie and her child army frolicking along the beach in costumes. We should just go ahead and say goodbye to the Pacific Ocean right now. Because the hardcore Brangeloonies are going to make a pilgrimage to the California beach where these pictures were taken and are going to guzzle that water down since it was blessed by the feet of these earth deities.
St. Angie’s in November’s issue of Vogue, because she’s pushing that long-form 70s perfume commercial called By The Sea. I skimmed through the interview and she talks about the movie a little bit, but she mostly talks about saving the world and she also gets into talking about how she got her ovaries removed a few months ago.
As expected, Pope Fracis met one of his bosses and God’s second-in-command at his palace in Vatican City. It was reported yesterday that Brad Pitt was supposed to tag along, but he wasn’t there for the most important religious moment in history, because Shiloh and Zahara went with St. Angie Jolie and the Vatican can only hold in so much holiness.
Dame St. Angie Jolie was at the Vatican to screen Unbroken and after the screening, she was summoned to the throne room in The Pope’s house to meet Pope Franny. E! News says that the meeting didn’t last that long. They gossiped about that saint-hating trick Scott Rudin and Pope Francis told St. Angie that he always sees her in pictures with a greasy hobo and she truly is a saint for helping the homeless. They touched hands for a second and afterward Pope Francis shook like a fangirl and was overheard saying, “Girl, I’m never washing this hand again.” The Pope should’ve paid proper respect to St. Angie by literally kissing her ass, but since she’s humble and gracious, she kissed his ring instead. That ring has since been protected in a vacuum-sealed bag and The Pope will cuddle with it every night. After the Catholic kiki with Pope Francis, St. Angie released this statement:
“To be invited to screen Unbroken at The Vatican is an honor and a tribute to Louie’s legacy as a man of faith and someone who exemplified the power of forgiveness and the strength of the human spirit. These are universal themes at the heart of the human experience everywhere.”
St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh (who is giving me “hipster going to a job interview”) also took this group picture in front of a portrait of a dove getting ready to attack The Pope’s face.
Well, Pope Francis hasn’t even been Pope for a year, but he had a good run. Now that he’s met St. Angie, he’s going to resign as Pope, turn in his white chichi hat, replace his wardrobe with all-black clothes and convert to Brangeloonieism.
A few hours before this picture of Dame St. Angie Jolie saying to Brad Pitt, “Bitch, wipe that smirk off of your face and take your bitch ass outside in 5, because I’m not done with you,” was taken, a paparazzo took pictures of the Jesus and Mary of our time having a fight on the balcony of their hotel in Sydney. Please, we all know those two are perfect messiahs who only know how to spread love and peace. That fight was obviously staged to make them look human. What’s next? Leaked pictures of the supposed turd St. Angie dropped in a public toilet to make us think she actually shits?
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day (via ONTD) put the pictures in a riveting video set to some weird song they bought for cheap. Woman’s Day says that St. Angie and Brad busted out a balcony tussle just hours after they reunited in Sydney. They obviously weren’t over their fight, because some source says that at the Unbroken premiere that night, they were as stiff as the chonies Brad Pitt hasn’t taken off for 3 weeks.
Brad, 50, downed a Crown Lager at the early hour of 10am and the pair were both seen clutching cigarettes as their intense discussion raged on. Industry insiders tell Woman’s Day that the tensions could be down to Ange’s hectic workload in the past year.
By 6pm that same day, Brad and Ange had pasted on happy smiles for the cameras as their first red-carpet event as a married couple and greeted a throng of fans on the way to Sydney’s State Theatre.
Despite arriving together in a black Land Rover, they barely looked at each other at the event –Brad busied himself signing autographs, while Ange focused on speaking to the assembled media on the other side of the road.
The video with the pictures in it is here. Because Brad has his arms wide open, it sort of looks like they’re playing a really boring 2-ho game of charades and he’s trying to describe Kim Kartrashian’s ass on Paper Magazine. The pictures are pretty suspect, though. I mean, did the pap wear a gas mask, because it’s weird that they didn’t drop their camera and pass out on the ground after Brad Pitt released a toxic BO smoke monster by lifting up his arms. And of course that’s not nicotine St. Angie’s inhaling. It’s the dried blood of virgins. She smokes it to recharges her powers.
I can’t wait to see these pictures on the cover of Star over the words, “Brangelina Have NUCLEAR Fight After Brad Gets Caught Texting A Heart Emoji To Jen!”
Here’s St. Angie taking Zahara and Shiloh to buy art supplies in NYC over the weekend.
Sin City temporarily became the Holy City yesterday afternoon when the deity that God prays to every night graced CinemaCon in Las Vegas with her ethereal presence to preview her new movie Unbroken, or as Goopy Paltrow would title it if she directed it, Consciously Coupling. Universal is releasing Unbroken in December during Oscar-bait season, and St. Angie Jolie told the audience why she wanted to make a movie about the life of World War II hero Louis Zamperini.
“I wanted to make this film because in the end, its message is one we all need now more than ever. It’s the journey of a man finding his way through the darkness and into the light. It is about an imperfect person — one who we and our children can relate to.”
Hmmm… Why does that sound like the synopsis of Consciously Uncoupling: The Chris Martin Story? A man finds his way through the darkness (aka the insane hunger, vision loss and stomach pains one goes through on day 25 of the kumquat water and seaweed extract cleanse) and into the light (aka In-N-Out whatever the hell wants it). Anyway, St. Angie was also at CinemaCon to let any possible Oscar voters in the audience know that Unbroken isn’t only a movie about a man’s journey into the light side, it’s also a faith test for Oscar votes. Do they want to earn a place in the light side (aka AngieLand aka Heaven) by voting for Unbroken for Best Picture and Best Director? Or do they want their UNGODLY souls condemned to the fiery depths of HALE by voting against Unbroken? A vote against Unbroken is a vote against God. When Oscar voters get their ballots, there will be two choices under Best Picture: “Unbroken” and “I Am Okay With Charring In Lucifer’s Den For Eternity.”
But you know, a lot of people in the audience at CinemaCon probably didn’t hear a damn thing St. Angie said, because they were too busy thinking to themselves, “How and why in the fuck is she wearing the pajamas that I bought my nana at May Company in 1983?”
Here’s more St. Angie looking like Annie Hall’s memaw at CinemaCon and also pictures of her at LAX with Zahara and Maddox.
Pics: AP, Wenn.com