Category: Zach Galifianakis

ICYMI: President Obama On Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis

March 11, 2014 / Posted by:

President Barack Obama appeared on Zach Galifianakis’s fake-ish/real-ish talk show Between Two Ferns to promote the Affordable Healthcare Act website and generally be very Obama-y. But I forgot everything important he was trying to say the second they started throwing POTUS-level shade at each other, and I loved it even if it is obviously scripted to hell and back (I don’t doubt Barry can read a bitch, but unless he spends all of his downtime watching Drag Race clips, he’s not that quick).

The video is six-and-a-half minutes long, which in internet video time is like watching the fucking Lord of the Rings movies back to back, (perspective: you could literally re-watch that slutty iguana make out with a golf ball 13 times) but it’s worth watching the whole thing just to see Obama make the same exasperated over-it face he probably makes every time an email from Sarah Palin pop up in his inbox.

There’s Only One Reason To Watch The Between Two Ferns With Justin Bieber

September 26, 2013 / Posted by:

Zach AllTheLettersOnMyKeyboard had the hardest gerbil in the cage (paging Richard Gere’s newly single butthole) Justin Bieber on his Funny or Die show Between Two Ferns (Side note: Whenever I read the title, “Between Two Ferns,” I think of, “Where the Red Fern Grows,” which wraps me in sadness because: dog death) and he did what billions of people have been wanting to do forever: he whooped that trick!

Before Zach took a belt to that brat, he scolded the Biebs for smoking pot, pissing in mop buckets and the Anne Frank shit. The fern behind the Biebs has better acting skills and comedic timing than he does, so about 15 seconds in, I screamed for a chancleta moment and my prayers were answered. Violence is never the answer, unless the questions is, “How do you solve a problem like Justin Bieber?”

biebsgettingspanked

I know this was all fake and the chair is the one who got hit the most during Zach’s belt beatdown, but just let me believe.

….and now I ruined it for myself by realizing that some sick fuck out there is actually fapping to this. A little boy getting whipped by a grown man who isn’t his father. This is like Fifty Shades of Grey: NAMBLA Edition.

Zach Galifianakis Brought The Lady He Saved From Homelessness To The Hangover III Premiere Last Night

May 21, 2013 / Posted by:

I’m taking a short break from our regularly scheduled program of foolery and fuckery to bring you a sweet story that proves that there are some nice people who do good things in the world. I know, this is my second nice story of the day and if I keep at it, I’ll totally have to change this site’s name from Dlisted to D’awwwlisted.

The New York Daily News (via UsWeekly) says that before Zach Galianakfifisksisnis was a multi-millionaire movie star, he did his laundry at Fox Laundry in Los Angeles and that’s where he met Elizabeth “Mimi” Haist who volunteered there for tips. Elizabeth pretty much only survived on tips from customers and jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house, because she didn’t have a place of her own. Zach and Mimi kept in touch, and years later when his checking account balance started to see more zeros, he got her an apartment in Santa Monica and he pays her rent and utilities every month.

Somehow Renee Zellweger got involved and decorated Mimi’s apartment. Squinty also buys Mimi’s groceries.

Zach didn’t just set Mimi up in an apartment like a kept memaw and stop calling her. Zach calls Mimi to see how she’s doing and always invites her to his premieres. Mimi has gone to several premieres and for the longest time nobody knew who she was. Some figured she was Zach’s grandma and others figured she was his side piece (Zach wishes). 87-year-old Mimi was Zach’s date to last night’s premiere of The Hangover III and before the premiere, she said this:

“I’m looking forward to it, I like the excitement of it. If he’s in town, he takes me. Otherwise he lets me take a friend. I dress up nice and a friend helps me with my makeup. It’s fun, not something I’ve ever dreamed I’d experience.

Afterwards, they have a party at somewhere close by and you meet the stars. I drink lemon drop martinis with Grey Goose vodka.”

Zach Galikadsjflkadsjfklasdfi has a glorious beard of ginger lushness, so I would’ve before reading this, but now after finding out that he’s a memaw helper, I really, really would. And somebody please strap all the Kardashians to chairs and read them Mimi’s story from the New York Daily News. The thought of being selfless and generous will make all of their heads combust.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s premiere. In order after Zach: a greasy vision in copper (who totally asked Mimi to be his next beard), Ed Helms, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, Heather Graham, Justin Bartha, Santana from Glee, Ken Jeong and Hanson.

The Time January Jones Was A Bitch To Zach Galifianakis

May 22, 2011 / Posted by:

If Zach Galifanakis sat next to me at a table, I’d make an “I Love You” pillow out of dinner napkins and ketchup so he could hold it like a Valentine’s Day teddy bear. One thing I wouldn’t do is douse him with ice cold bitchiness, but apparently that’s exactly what January Jones did when the two first met. January has said in interviews that she’s a fan of Zach’s work, so Shortlist (via DS) asked him if he’d ever do a fake fuck scene with her in a movie.

“I wouldn’t want to. I’d hate it. I’ve only had to do a few of those things where you have to kiss and stuff. It’s so embarrassing.”

And then Zach went on…

“If I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party – I’d never met her – and she was like, ‘Come sit down’. So I sit at her table, and [we] talk for ten minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now’.

So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice’, and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Zach and January should hang out for ten minutes more often, because this is gold and they really bring out the best in each other!

January is on a cunt roll lately. First, with the “excuse my beauty” comment and now she’s dismissing bitches from her presence with the wave of a hand. Oh, how I love her. I just want to chill a Corona on her icy skin and then pop it open on her sharp ass tongue. And I also love that she will probably teach her unborn child the ways of an ice cold cunt queen. There will be cut eyes and tongue slaps in the future and we have January Jones to thank for that!

And Now Here’s Zach Galifianakis With A Toddler

April 25, 2011 / Posted by:

It’s Monday morning and you’re most likely suffering from jelly bean withdrawals paired with a Peep-mopolitan hangover, so I’m sure you’re open mouth bawling on your desk just like this toddler right here (and I know you’re wearing white overalls too). If only Zach Galifianakis was there to soothe your weeps with his warm fur bosom and goose down fupa.

You know, directors seem to have gathered together and decided that Zach (copy and paste his last name here with your eyes because I’m too lazy to do it but I’m obviously not too lazy to type out this long ass explanation for why I didn’t copy and paste his last name here)’s funny ho act isn’t complete without some kind of an unlikely side-kick.

In The Hangover, he got a baby. In Due Date, he got a masturbating French Bulldog. In The Hangover II, he’s getting a monkey. And here he is filming scenes for Bored to Death in Brooklyn with a screaming albino toddler.

Somewhere in North Hollywood, there’s a Zach G side-kick casting office with a line outside that includes Einstein the smallest stallion, a meth head with a cock ring scrunchie, Snooki and the baby bottle-loving Koi fish.

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