Category: You’re Wearing That?

Costco Sells A $400,000 Diamond Ring And Someone Bought It 

June 1, 2019 / Posted by:

Fucking Costco. The last time I went there I had three things on my list: razor blades, Sonicare toothbrush heads, and soy milk. And did I walk with any of these items? No! Which is not to say I walked away empty handed, because, who doesn’t need a 7 pound bucket of Nutella and the hottest Costco fashions of the day? Today I’ve discovered why Costco is preventing me from moving my Sasquatch winter legs into the shaved legs of summer. Apparently they are too busy stocking secret extravagant items to worry about re-stocking the peasant’s staples. Costco has just reported a gain in their last sales quarter, largely due to the fact that a customer purchased a $400,000 ring (which may or may not be the $420k ring above) from the store. That’s right, Costco, known mostly as the place to buy bulk toilet paper, also carries jewels worth nearly half a million dollars.

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Pharrell’s Dick-Head Hat Made A Triumphant Return Last Night At The Oscars

March 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Goddamn it, Pharrell, stop trying to make the penis hat happen, it’s not going to happen; nobody wants to voluntarily look like the throbbing head of Dudley Do-Right’s dick. Well, except maybe John Travolta. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about that hat that really speaks to me.”

The second before Pharrell Williams stepped out from behind those creepy Oscar statue ghosts, I knew there was a 100% chance he’d be wearing that goofy Vivienne Westwood hat, because that hat is his best pal and he never goes anywhere without it. They’re like a modern-day Milo and Otis. Pharrell and his hat will be the best of friends until the sad day that the hat starts to get old and loses its shape, and it’s sent to live with a nice family on a farm upstate somewhere.

But I felt sort of bad for Pharrell’s dick head hat last night during the performance of Despicable Me 2’s “Happy”. That high-fashion felt penis hat looked so out of place in what was essentially a long-lost Gap commercial. You could sort of tell the minute the first dancer in pastel khakis popped out, the hat started anxiously thinking: “Fuck, I knew I should have come dressed as a straw fedora.”

And here’s more of a sans-chapeau Pharrell and his wife, Helen Lasichanh, looking like they’re fighting over who get’s to play the Buster Bluth part of their Motherboy XXX cosplay:

(Pics: Splash)

Adam Sandler Ruins A Sweet Song With Drew Barrymore By Wearing Fugly Track Pants

February 27, 2014 / Posted by:

I once knew this girl who’s boyfriend proposed to her in a pair of old, loose off-white briefs after waking up from a nap. She said that even though she totally loved him and wanted to get married, it was hard accepting an engagement ring from a dude who looked like Donnie Wahlberg in The Sixth Sense. At the time I didn’t understand how gross that was (“It’s not like he proposed from the toilet while taking a dump, right?”) but now, thanks to seeing Adam Sandler profess his love to Drew Barrymore in a pair of old track pants, I do.

On Wednesday night, Adam Sandler reunited with his movie wife Drew Barrymore on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and sang a cute song about how they come together every 10 years to film a movie where they fall in love. Save for the pants (which I’ll get to later) this song gets 0% shade from me. Yes, Adam sucks at singing. Yes, Drew looks like she’s got a bad case of pregnancy farts and would rather be at home dipping a dill pickle into a tub of Americone Dream. Yes, Jimmy’s guitar playing is giving me flashbacks to Christian teen talent shows. But I will go to my grave hugging a VHS copy of The Wedding Singer, so yeah – I loved it.

Except for Adam’s pants. Call me Judy Prudy, but there’s something so unsettling about seeing a grown man wear loose pants in public, regardless of their varietal (sweat, track, pyjama, drawstring linen). It’s not right. I shouldn’t be subjected to the outline of your limp, lifeless dangle slithering around under the draped folds of a cotton-poly blend when you walk through the mall. I’m sure Adam Sandler was aware he was going on a talk show, so unless Jimmy Fallon sent a group of balaclava-wearing thugs to kidnap Adam from his home while he was cleaning the garage, and the kidnappers forgot to ask his wife for a pair of pants, there’s no reason for him to be wearing those elastic-waist abominations.

Katy Perry Robbed Your Gramma’s Nursing Home Of Its Curtains

January 28, 2014 / Posted by:

And if she wants them back, she can call 1-800-EAT-SHIT, because they’re property of The Vatican now. Anything that’s touched Katy Perry’s anointed chichis are considered a religious artifact and are immediately sent FedEx overnight to Pope Francis, where they’re then packed into a rocket and blasted off into space (that’s where God lives, right?)

I’m still coming down from the contact high I got from those truly inspired gowns Katy wore to the Grammy’s, so I can’t look directly at the Red Roof Inn bedspread dress/cape/bqq cover Katy wore to The Night That Changed America event last night. It reminds me too much of the toilet paper cover doll from my nana’s bathroom, and it’s giving me the fear. If you’re more brave and less high than me (bless you, child) you can try to take a stab at it, and please report back to me if it turns into a Magic Eye picture and the image that pops out is an eagle or Kim Kardashian at the Costume Institute gala or something.

But forget about that entire bolt of Jo-Ann Fabrics clearance bin satin for a second. What I’m most offended by are those cheap clip-on bangs; Shh…It’s a Wig would like a word with you Katy. Clip-on bangs are the whippet-huffing high school drop-out daughter of those fake hair ponytail holders (who themselves are the recently-fired-from-Walmart-for-stealing Revlon-foundation wife of those visors with Guy Fieri hair).

Pics: AP

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