Category: Your Hairline Scares Me

The Look Or Not The Look: Pete Campbell’s Shaved Hairline

April 3, 2014 / Posted by:

No, Vincent Kartheiser wasn’t in the middle of being prepared for a lobotomy when an earthquake happened and the surgical team had to abort, drop the clippers and run out of the building. Rory Gilmore’s future husband (Wait, are those hos still engaged?) is a dedicated method actor who shaves his hairline back and gains some chunk to play It’s Pat’s equally as awkward son Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Dedication to your work IS making your hairline look like a Kardashian’s 5 o’clock butt stubble.

Vincent showed up to the premiere party for Mad Men’s 7th season looking like he got Dollar Tree hair plugs put it in at the same back alley plastic surgeon van where Lil Kim gets her baby dick nose shaved off. He looks like a derpy Friar Tuck which is saying a lot, because Friar Tuck is already at maximum derp. Vincent’s head looks like a factory-defected Chia Pet. There’s a method to his madness, though. Vincent told reporters a couple of years ago that he has always imagined Pete Campbell as having a receding hairline so he shaves his hairline, and after shooting is done he has to walk around looking like John Travolta in a shifted wig before his hairline grows back. Vincent probably thinks he’s the Daniel Day-Lewis of cable and deserves every Emmy for going all the way. But he needs to get over himself, because he’s not the greatest method actor of Mad Men. January Jones is!

January Jones never EVER gets out of character. When the cameras are on, she’s in character as Betty Draper. When the cameras turn off, she’s in character as Betty Draper. When she goes home after playing an ice cold queen all day, she stays in character. She stays in complete character when she’s smoking a cigarette while watching her kid poke at the half-frozen microwave dinner she didn’t cook all the way. She stays in character when her kid is crying and she rolls her eyes while turning up the TV louder to drown out his wails. She stays in complete character when she pisses out a piss popsicle into the toilet. January Jones was in character as Betty Draper before she was cast as Betty Draper and she’ll stay in character as Betty Draper for the rest of her life. So Vincent K and his method hairline shouldn’t feel so goddamn special.

Here’s more of the cast of Mad Men (including Christina Hendrick’s chichis and Jon Hamm sans the Hammaconda) at last night’s premiere party.

Pics: Wenn.com

What A Stunning Wax Candle And A Delicious Barbecued Spare Rib

December 17, 2013 / Posted by:

Together, they look like what’s on the table during a romantic dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant.

At last night’s premiere of Grudge Match in NYC, pristine white taper candle Kim Basinger posed next to her co-star, piping hot piece of cajun-rubbed pork jerky Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a miracle that the heat wafting off of his just-out-of-the-oven face didn’t melt her into a puddle of Botox, wax and sad memories of being married to Alec Baldwin. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny fat fuck who is always thinking about shoving dough, cheese and meat into his mouth (there’s an uncut dick joke in there somewhere), but she looks like a piece of uncooked dough and he looks like a sun dried tomato-stuffed pepperoni meatball. So together they’re like a deconstructed Totino’s pizza roll without the sauce. Delicioso!

Here’s more of Porcelain Basinger and Overcooked Terracotta Stallone with Robert DeNiro at last night’s premiere. Slay me with those brows, Sly!

Pics: Splash

Lil Kim Brought All Of It Out

November 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Lil Kim put her best pair of NASA-grade Spanx to work last night at London’s indigO2 in promotion for next week’s release of her mixtape, Hardcore 2K13. 2K13? I thought we all agreed to retire the K thing after Y2K? I guess Lil Kim didn’t get the memo (she was busy; plastic surgery is a full-time job).

Lil Kim looks like Him from The Powerpuff Girls mated with Thriller-era Michael Jackson. But the real victim here is that HAIR. Someone needs to call the labor board, because she’s working that wig HARD. Amnesty International would classify this as some kind of not-right worker’s rights violation; that poor wig hasn’t been given a break in weeks. Lil Kim’s lace-front goes home after work and spends the night on the phone sobbing to it’s parents: “You and dad were right, I never should have dropped out of college.

Here are more pictures of Lil Kim looking like if Poison Control published a Where’s Waldo book used to induce discomfort. Did you accidentally ingest nail polish remover? Find Lil Kim’s House of Giudice hairline. Find the SWAT Team to rescue Lil Kim’s suffocating pussy.

(Pics via Pacific Coast NewsSplash)

Jermaine Jackson Doesn’t Want To Be A “Jackson” Anymore

November 8, 2012 / Posted by:

Jermaine Jackson named 2 out of his 9 children Jermajesty and Jaafar, so he obviously has his doctorate in Fucked Up Names and he’s at it again. This time Jermaine Jackson is dipping his own last name in liquid foolery. The L.A. Times says that Jermaine has gone to court and asked them to let him legally change his last name from Jackson to Jacksun. Yes, JackSUN. That sounds like the name of a lube made of orange juice. We all know that Jermaine is changing his name because he is crazy and suffers from chronic attention whoreism, but he claims he’s doing it for “artistic reasons.

If you read that last part as “artistic raisin” and then looked up at that picture, this story probably makes even more sense to you.

Before Jermaine Jackson officially becomes Jermaine Jacksun, a judge has to approve it, he has to announce his new last name in a publication and there has to be a public hearing where anyone can object the change. In other words, bitch is going to attention whore the shit out of this name change.

Jermaine Jackson looks like the broken condom baby of a chewed up piece of steak fat and the sun, so changing the “son” in his last name to “sun” is fitting. You know, though, I shouldn’t challenge the decision making skills of a California Raisin who can work every sparkle on a Zales tennis bracelet and who fills his hairline in with a Sharpie. Jermaine styles his hair to look like a melting tire, so I shouldn’t question him on anything. The bitch knows what he’s doing.

Donald Trump’s “October Surprise” vs. A Fox Burying Marshmallows

October 24, 2012 / Posted by:

Donald Trump dropped his huge bombshell that was supposed to send the election off the rails, and as expected, it’s about as explosive as a flea’s follow-up queef. Trump didn’t say that Obama’s nose swallowed the Lohan powder during his college days. Trump didn’t say that the Obamas almost got divorced one time a million years ago. Trump’s huge announcement is that he’ll write a $5 million check to Obama’s charity of choice if the president releases all of his college records, applications and passport stuff. I need that $5 million so I can build a time machine and go back to the 80s to kick my young self in the face for buying the Trump board game at a garage sale.

Obama has until 5pm on Halloween to hand over all those stupid documents or Donald Trump is ripping up that $5 million check. Can the entire $5 million go to the FDTTACSSCOHBEF (Feed Donald Trump To Ann Coulter So She Chokes On His Bloated Ego Foundation), because I might chip in a few coins if it can. This greasy cheese bubble-looking twat.

You shouldn’t even bother listening to what that talking merkin has to say. Just watch this video of a fox eating and burying marshmallows instead:

This fox would never EVER blackmail a president…. unless that president had 5 million bags of marshmallows and then he might.

“Smell My Finger”

June 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Here’s People showing us the EXCLUSIVO picture of Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey’s wedding they got in exchange for a bag of purple haze ganja and a bongo drum that doubles as a bong.

Camila paid tribute to the most intimate and authentic wedding of our time by wearing a Kuntrashian-approved diamond headband and she also wore the JcPenney lace overlay tablecloth my abuelita had on her dresser under the Jesus hugging a crucifix porcelain statue she got at Pic ‘N’ Save. Sadly, the Texas T-Rex didn’t wear a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt, but he did make me bliss the fuck out by giving this statement. We know WHO smoked that bouquet up after the ceremony.

“We decided to embrace the ritual of marriage as an opportunity and adventure we’ll take together.”

Translation: “I’M BAKED, MAN.” 

I wish I was baked too, because that might make it easier for me to deal with that L.A. Looks gel in his hair and that picture that makes him look like Fire Marshall Bill after getting a graft from a dehydrated apricot. But I do love the tender “I’m going to poke at you to see if you’re real-life or a figment of my shroom-induced hallucination” pose.

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