And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
As Always, Matthew McConaughey Brought Stoned Armadillo Realness To The American Cinematheque Awards
Last night, His Royal Hiiiighness The Sun-Baked Bongo King Matthew McConaughey was honored with an American Cinematheque Award for his tireless efforts to just keep livin’ and awright awright awright-ing (and also maybe for acting). But I guess he figured it wasn’t that much of an honor, since he’s already won the only acting award that counts – AN OSCAH!!! – so he said fuck it and decided to collect his award looking like a high-ass reptile who spent the afternoon passed out on the beach in a sandy pile of Doritos and empty Bud Light Lime-A-Rita cans. “Who says I didn’t? Awright awright awright.”
I’m not sure what an American Cinematheque Award is, but it sounds French, so bravo Le T-Rex du Texas! I mean, it had to be at least a little bit of a big deal to win, since he brought the most glamorous woman in his life to help him collect his award. No, I’m not talking about his wife Camila Alves. I’m talking about the stunning sunset-colored Texas Topaz who birthed him, Mary Kay McConaughey! Momma Kay became my favorite of the Hollywood Moms the time she flashed her Spanx-covered buttermilk biscuit on the red carpet. She’s the true star of the McConaughey family! Give her the award! At least you know she won’t show up looking like a dude named Lyzard who keeps getting busted for trying to sell stale weed from the cereal aisle at Walmart.
Here’s more of The Sun-Baked Bongo King picking up his ACA with his wife Camilla (who looks kind of like what you’d get if you used the ‘Make Look Human’ tool in Photoshop on a picture of Kim Kardashian, aka gorgeous), Matt’s hot mom Kay, and some of Matt’s former co-stars, like AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, Jennifer Garner, Kate Hudson, Jessica Chastain, and Anne-with-an-E Hathaway looking like the long lost 5th member of the South Park goth kids:
The last time we saw Jenni “JWoww” Farley, her face definitely looked a little…off. It was sort of like JWoww was wearing a knock-off JWoww mask from Party City that had half-melted in the trunk of her car. It truly was a “Jesus take the wheel, and drive the car as far away from the plastic surgeon’s office as possible, cause this bitch is DONE” moment. Radar also felt the same way, so they talked to a couple of “doctors” (aka Nick Riviera and the staff at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College) to find out what the fuck she’s been doing to her face. And yes, the general consensus was 50-CCs of Fix-A-Flat injections and a whole lot of NO, STAHP.
But the demure silicone mermaid of the Jersey Shore herself says she hasn’t touched her damn face and what you see is 100% all-natural, so STFU and leave her gorgeous melting candle face alone, haters! JWoww took to Instagram (via Daily Mail) to post a sans-fards selfie of what she claims is her real face along with the following sarcasm-dipped message to Radar:
“Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting”
All I have to say is: HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?!!?
My brain tells me it’s JWoww, but my heart says this is an imposter. If JWoww looks like this when she’s at home, then why does she look like the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter when she goes outside? It doesn’t make any sense! Wait a minute..no, it makes perfect sense. Either JWoww is a shape-shifting rubber-faced Werepanther (totally plasusible) or JWoww’s home is experiencing some sort of plastic surgery-based paranormal phenomenon. On the outside of the house, you look like a Botoxed mess, but once you cross the threshold, your face reverts back to its original form. Call Mulder and Scully, I think I’ve solved the mystery!
Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who may or may not be slowly morphing into the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter, made an appearance on HuffPost Live to promote the horror comedy film she produced called Jersey Shore Massacre (aka JWoww’s New Face). Since JWoww only gave birth to her daughter a little over a month ago, the conversation turned to the massacre that happened when she pushed an 8lb baby out of her Botoxed to the shore and back vagina. The ghost of Rocky Dennis (copyright: The Superficial) said that while everything is back to normal down there, she’s not exactly open for business:
“I’m not going to have sex for another year or two” she told host Caitlyn Becker. Meilani, her daughter, was born five weeks ago, but the reality star’s remained celibate “because doctors advise waiting until the six-week mark.”
Although she and Roger haven’t cozied up to one another since the beginning of her pregnancy, JWoww admitted she’s not looking forward to resuming sexual activity.
“It’s like virgin status,” she affirmed. “[Roger’s] like, ‘Come on!’ and I’m like ‘No — I was stitched. You have to wait!'”
The only thing more unsettling than JWoww’s eye holes (for real, WHAT is going ON with her eye hole situation?!?!?) is hearing JWoww casually say the words “I was stitched” at the 20:00 mark. I just cringed, clamped, clenched, shuddered, all of it. And forget about my vagina; it heard the words “I was stitched”, immediately fell into an unresponsive catatonic state. It’s currently curled into the fetal position on the floor. RIP pussy, it was nice knowing you.
Here’s more of JWoww serving up some entry-level Lil’ Kim realness/melting dollar store cat candle eleganza in New York yesterday.
You know, it’s really wrong of me to compare Nicole Kidman to the Snickers Grocery Store Lady, because the Snickers Grocery Store Lady looks more natural and human-like than the Ice Queen of Australia. Case in point:
Anyway, the temperatures in the French Riviera have dropped to Ice Cold Bitch celsius and the local news reports that children have been seen running for their lives out of Cannes while screaming for mercy and that could mean only one thing: Nicole Kidman’s in town! Nicole Kidman took her frozen marble cutting board face to Cannes to promote the big, shiny turd that is Grace of Monaco. Grace of Monaco was supposed to come out last fall, but it kept getting pushed back, because Harvey Weinstein and the director Olivier Dahan fought over the final cut. Harvey thought it was too dark. Harvey’s right. A movie about a princess who has a stroke and dies after a car crash should be happy and feel-goody. Lighten it up!
Grace of Monaco is finally coming out and it’s opening the Cannes Film Festival. The royal family of Monaco always attends the gala premiere of the Cannes Film Festival, but not this year, because they think Grace of Monaco is a farce and made of lies. They’re not the only ones who think Grace of Monaco is a cinematic shit nugget. Most of the critics who saw it at a press screening at Cannes feel the same way. The reviews are a thing of beauty and make me want to see this mess. Here’s some of them:
The resulting film about this fantastically boring crisis is like a 104-minute Chanel ad, only without the subtlety and depth. Princess Grace herself is played by Nicole Kidman, wafting around the Palace with dewy-eyed features and slightly parted lips which make her look like a grown-up Bambi after a couple of cocktails, suddenly remembering his mother’s violent death in the forest. – The Guardian
Prior to 2001 the opening-night film of the Cannes film festival wasn’t such a big deal, more of an aperitif – a dry one, made with cinematic creosote – before the dazzling main course of the first weekend. Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge!, however, changed all that, bringing fun, glamour, Hollywood stars and lots of colour to the Croisette in a way that 1999’s dour opener The Barber Of Siberia couldn’t hope to. This year’s curtain-raiser shares quite a few things in common with Moulin Rouge!. It’s an easy watch, lush, stylish, stars Nicole Kidman and is often side-splittingly funny. The trouble is, it’s not actually meant to be a comedy. – Empire Online
Grace of Monaco will have its world premiere at the opening night of the 67th Cannes Festival this evening, although earlier it played to an audience of international critics, who even by the end of the first scene had started curling up, like startled armadillos, into tight little balls of embarrassment. Later, as the house lights came up, I watched a team of the festival’s beige-suited stewards hurriedly roll them out of the auditorium, like the barrel-trundling villagers in Whisky Galore. – The Telegraph
The BBC says that there was laughter during the press screening this morning.
Well, now the producers of Hollywood know that if they really, really want to win as many Razzies as possible, all they have to do is cast an Australian actress to play a princess who tragically dies in a car accident. The formula works, apparently.
Here’s Nicole Kidman’s face looking like a hockey mask with make-up on it at the Cannes photo call for Grace of Monaco with Tim Roth today.
Because Oprah threatened to feed Lindsay Lohan to her hair if that mess doesn’t go out there on the ho stroll and bring up the ratings, she was on Watch What Happens Live last night to sell the final episode of the reality shit show that will prove to producers and directors that she’s a reliable, responsible and easy to work with individual who’s not at all a cold sore stuck to everyone’s urethra. During her talk with the shifty, giggling Siamese cat Andy Cohen, LiLo said that she hardly ever drops her chest wontons into a bra, because she doesn’t like bras and she claimed that she wasn’t “partying” at Coochella. While playing Plead The Fifth, Andy brought up that list of all the famous hot pieces she’s supposedly rubbed her roast beef and cheddar slider on. Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom were all on the list. InTouch, who published the list, said that LiLo made the list on a Scattergories sheet while getting drunk with her friends at a hotel bar. But last night, the embalmed freckled crack gremlin told Andy that she made the list in rehab at Betty Ford.
“That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must’ve taken a photo of it and so that’s a personal thing. It’s really unfortunate. I talk about this on the last episode of the OWN show, so to be continued…”
I didn’t know there was an AA step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you’ve taken a ride on (or a step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you WISH you’ve taken a ride on). According to AA.org, the fifth step is:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Oh, now it makes sense! LiLo made a list of all the dudes she’s sorry she gave gonorrhea to.
The warped Grinch figurine also pulled everyone’s dick (yes, we’ve all got gonorrhea now and we’ll be on the next list) when she defended White Oprah. LiLo says that she’s the one who drags White Oprah to clubs as a “security blanket” and then told the funniest joke of all-time when she said that White Oprah doesn’t drink. I think LiLo cut herself off too soon. What she meant to say was, “My mother doesn’t drink…..anything that doesn’t come in a bottle with ‘100 proof’ written on it.”
Here’s LiLo talking about the list she probably leaked herself, because she needed something to cry about for the last episode of her shit show.