A couple of weeks ago, Kris Jenner dusted off her signature move, polished up another one of her turds (sorry, kturds) and flung it at a high-profile musician hoping it would stick in the form of setting Kendall up with One Direction’s Harry Styles. UK tabloids report that Harry has already packed it up and hightailed it the fuck out of Jentrashian shitstorm and is now dating Gavin Rossdale’s spawn Daisy Lowe.
Kris is supposedly pissed that Daisy fucked up her Kim/Kanye 2.0 plan and stole Harry away. If Daisy is smart, she’ll become fast friends with Leah Remini to get some tips on how to handle the wrath of religious zealots knowing that the High Priestess of The Church of Latter Day Taints is going to come for her ass. Nobody fucks with Kris Jenner or her ilk without doing it on camera for publicity, especially since ratings for their show are down. The last thing Daisy will see before her coffin slides shut is Kris’s face, who will be so pissed her face will ALMOST move.
If it wasn’t against the fame whore way, I’d guess Kendall is in a basement somewhere trading stories with Solange Knowles about failing the family, but this is PMK we’re talking about. Kris probably just dragged Kendall to their lip injection doctor as punishment, then smacked her upside the head and threw her out of the car at The Grove and told her not to come home until she had at least two dozen pap shots in the bank.
Here are some pics of One Direction at the airport after flying in for an SNL appearance. I can’t figure out if the guy hanging all over Zayne is helping him walk because he’s drunk or high or if the guy is just angling for an unsolicited piggy back ride. Fangirls come in all shapes and sizes!
Not to be outdone by Jaime Alexander’s rebirth of the most glamorous dress of all time, Britain’s “Strictly Come Dancing” contestant and model Abbey Clancy gave us the gift of the Slut Dress: The British Edition at London’s Fashion for the Brave event on Friday, November 8.
Even though the dress looks like Abbey dusted off her grandma’s best Union Jack table runner, broke into Johnny Weir’s costume storage locker and slaved away over her Fisher-Price My First Sewing Machine to make it, the dress was designed (on purpose) by Julien MacDonald. If you’re of the persuasion that if you’ve seen one slut dress you’ve seen them all, turn your attention to Julien, who might be the real star here. If designing stunt queen dresses doesn’t work out for him, he could always audition for an astoundingly low-rent Lifetime biopic about Siegfried and Roy.
If you’re going to wear something that shows almost as much as a scrambled soft core porno on Cinemax back in the day, don’t let it make you look like an amateur. Your side tits are already out, you may as well own it when your dress tries to quit a bitch and flash the rest of the goods. Abbey apparently didn’t see Iggy Azalea’s PSA about gluing your ho shit down to avoid flashing naglas or hatchet crack, because at one point, she had to cup her ass like a toddler who just dropped a load in her underwear after her parents took a gamble on taking her out in public for the first time without a Pull-Up.
On the left is RiRi at the Chanel couture show in Paris today. On the right is a front yard Scrooge statue holding a lantern. Had RiRi accessorized her old man nightgown with a nightcap and a lantern, and had a look on her face like she was searching the darkness for spirits, she would’ve won this. But she didn’t, so game point goes to the Scrooge statute!
Since we’re on the subject of old man nightgowns… (Note: I might’ve told this story before. Stoned messes tend to repeat themselves a lot.) When I was in the third or fourth grade, my school friends and I went door-to-door selling Helen Grace eggs during Easter times. One of my friends’ mom came with us and stood at the sidewalk while went up to the door. We went to this one house where an 80-something couple lived. The pepaw came to the door wearing a button down nightgown like RiRi’s, except his was short and burgundy. Ole’ dude should’ve kept a pair of chonies by the front door so he wouldn’t give his visitors a peek of his soft-boiled huevos when he answered the door. His wrinkled nuts were hanging out of his shorty robe. I don’t think he knew, but it was still highly inappropriate and ILLEGAL! We turned around and ran to my friend’s mom as though the face of Freddy Krueger was on that old dude’s nuts.
So when I see RiRi in a nightgown all I see are wrinkly white man nuts. Thank you for traumatizing me again, RiRi.
On the right is Michelle Williams after Edward Scissorhands did her up and on the left is an emo guinea pig who would care about Michelle stealing its look, but it’s too busy crying and dying on the inside.
Like I even need to ask who won this Hair Battle Spectacular. Michelle Williams TRIED IT and she can use those ode to Robert Smith hanging pieces to floss her top teeth or pick her nose if she doesn’t want to use her finger, but the emo guinea pig has this now and forever. If you’re going to work the emo guinea pig haircut, you have to at least look like you’re on the verge of crying tears of infinite sadness and that your life is a never-ending Smiths song. Michelle Williams is smiling! That ruins everything. But really, when are celebrities (I’m also talking to your ass too, Justin Bieber) going to realize that the emo guinea pig haircut only works when you’re an emo guinea pig!
Emo guinea pig, you won this round like you win all those rounds. Although, I doubt you care, so just shrug and go back to painting your guinea pig nails black.
Here’s Michelle, Kelly Bensimon, Giada De Laitstooearlyformetogooglethecorrectspellingofhername, Kate Mara and Maggie Gyllenhaal at the launch of Kate Young for Target in NYC last night.
Just like she is with everything else, Lindsay Lohan was late to April Fools’ Day and twatted out this pregnancy announcement earlier this morning. In her defense, LiLo uses the cokehead calendar, so she has no idea what day, week, month, year or decade it is. If you could give birth to a FAS-faced 8-ball from snorting mountains of coke and guzzling down gallons of vodka, then I’d believe her. But if she was really pregnant, we’d know it, because she’d immediately give birth to the Four Horsemen and heaven would swallow the earth whole, ending our misery. So the only thing she’s pregnant with is desperation.
And only Lindsay Lohan could make me feel sorry for a fake fetus.
Since JLo was told to not show any pastry puff labia, side tit and/or ass cleavage, she copy+pasted Angie Joli’s fame whore leg move and came out to the Grammys tonight wearing a dress that was cut up all the way to the place where Casper Smart refuses to go unless she waves a $100 bill in front of it. This will show those prude bitches with tightened assholes in CBS’ Standards and Practices Department. They can ban as many body parts as they want, but JLo will still find the one body part they didn’t ban and whore the hell out of that body part, because she’s that desperate for camera clicks.
It’s a good thing that CBS didn’t try to ban “fame whoring legs,” because if they did JLo would’ve had to get attention by spreading her ass cheeks and flashing her bleached culito lips. CBS didn’t say anything about bleached culito lips.
Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren And Judi Dench Can Have A Seat Now That Kim Kardashian Is Here To Take Their Roles
Kim Kardashian’s film career has really come full circle. Kim started out in the world of cinema by playing a half-dead seal who gets clubbed by Ray-J’s boomerang dick and now she’s starring opposite Ray-J’s sister in a movie where she plays a wooden mannequin who was brought to life (I’m being generous with “brought to life“) when the Blue Fairy pissed on her. This is the trailer for Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor and it’s about a marriage counselor (duh) who confesses (duh) about having an affair with a rich and possibly evil man, because her boring husband puts her pussy to sleep.
The cast list reads like a game of One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. It stars Denise from Full House, Vanessa Williams (doing some kind of Caribbean accent), Lance Gross, Brandy, Robbie Jones and Kim Kardashian.
Kim must’ve went to the same acting academy as Bristol Palin, because they both have the emotional range of a warped wooden butt plug. I’ve had interactions with Siri that were more human and natural than the interaction Kim has with Denise from Full House in that trailer. On a positive note, at least we know that Kim can sort of read since she obviously read those lines off of cue cards. And by “cue cards,” I mean penises. They wrote her lines on penises.
And here’s Kim walking around today.
Miley Cyrus completed her transformation into the chipmunk Billy Idol last night when she screamed out “Rebel Yell” at VH1 Divas Live. Since she’s a hardcore rock bitch now, Miley grabbed at her cooter, molested her own chipmunk chichis and screeched out an ear drum-bursting sound that made Billy Idol pick up the phone and call a suicide prevention hotline. Who ever “she” is needs to stop crying out for MORE MORE MORE, because all of us want LESS LESS LESS of this mess. People call animal control when they hear sounds like the sound that came out of Miley’s mouth last night.
Not only does Billy Ray’s finest kin need to step away from rock songs forever, but she also needs to step away from all bottles of peroxide. Bitch is looking more and more like Jane Child’s toddler son who was fed moonshine instead of milk as a baby. But on a positive note, I will slap a gold star on Miley’s forehead for wearing a formal version of The Slut Dress.
There was this extremely hot veteran chola who worked in the front office at my mom’s job and almost every time I saw her gorgeous face, her lips were covered with skin-colored lipstick and dark brown lip liner, and her eyes were decorated with black liquid eyeliner and frosted eye white shadow. She was a Winter on top and a Fall on the bottom. That was her signature look. But one December, she told me that she wanted to debut a new face at the company holiday party and was going to spend one of her lunch hours getting her face glamoured up at one of the makeup counters at Robinsons-May. I used to go to my mom’s work after school and one afternoon I walked into the office and saw my veteran chola friend with a face that was painted up exactly the same way Kristen Stewart’s face was painted up for the AFI Festival screening of On the Road in L.A. last night. Dreadful.
She looked busted and I didn’t need to say it, because she said it for me. I think she said she looked like Witchy Poo (which was kind of funny since her signature look was kind of Witchy Poo-ish) and that she looked like she was going to a funeral, her funeral. If I didn’t know she spent her lunch hour experimenting with her beauty, I’d just assume that she got kinky with her man and let him suck on her eyelids. Those were some hickey eyes and I wanted to hand her a frozen spoon. That taught my veteran chola friend to never ever stray away from frosted white eye shadow again.
And if a veteran chola can’t pull off that look, then Kristen Stewart definitely can’t.
Here’s more of KStew, Garrett GiveMeHedlund and Amy Adams at last night’s screening. Even though KStew’s outfit fits like a Trojan Magnum on a pencil dick, I still like it. It’s very Jody Watley back-up singer.
I know, Dover’s bloomin’ arse should wet fart on me for even asking that question.
For whatever reason, Nicole Kidman kept Halloween going by putting on a short, Dollar Tree version of the hot outfit Audrey Hepburn wore in the Royal Ascot scene in My Fair Lady. The Botoxed ice cube copy + pasted Audrey’s look for Victoria Derby Day at the Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne today and told reporters that she’s paying homage to My Fair Lady, “It’s inspired by My Fair Lady. It’s one of my favourite movies. We decided to do something that was fun and a bit different.”
Nicole Kidman looks about as human as an Eliza Doolittle Barbie doll, but I’m going to keep the shade to a minimum. Because I’m actually surprised that Tommy Girl didn’t completely ruin Nicole Kidman’s ability to have fun and I can’t believe the ice queen of Australia feels emotions. Unless, Nicole Kidman is just trying to trick us into thinking she can actually have fun. Yeah, I shouldn’t trust a ho who doesn’t have pores.