Tom Hiddleston may have almost collapsed his lungs when he breathed out a cyclone of relief after his contract with Taylor Swift expired, but well, he once again found himself getting upstaged in a picture by a blond bitch. Tom knows it too. If that isn’t a “Fuck me, this again” face, I don’t know what is.
This may be the first time in maybe forever that Ryan Lochte’s dopey “Jeah, what’s happening?” face is the correct reaction to something. The 23rd season of Dancing with the Sure, Let’s Call Them Stars premiered last night. For the second time in as many months, Ryan Lochte found himself in another messy situation. Except this time, it really wasn’t his fault.
“Is that bitch over there also wearing a choker? Chokers are my thing. Didn’t she get the memo that I’m totally edgy and cool now?”
As Michael reported last month, the home-made Debbie Harry Barbie doll known formally as Taylor Swift received the Taylor Swift Award at the BMI Pop Awards last night. And this is what she wore to collect her award. I know that Taylor Swift recently discovered Tumblr’s interpretation of the ’90s, but there is such a thing as leaning in too hard. It’s like Taylor had a ’90s style checklist and wouldn’t leave the house until it was completely covered in glitter gel pen ink. Velvet slip dress? Check! Vaguely ’90s floral print? Check! Black choker? Check! Sun-In fried hair? Check! Transformation into a model from Delia’s 1997 prom catalog completed!
At least Taylor Swift is self-aware enough to realize how ridiculous it is that Taylor Swift – who took home 10 trophies last night – won the Taylor Swift Award. While accepting her award, Taylor made a joke about how ~awkward~ it would have been if BMI had given it to somebody else.
“Ha ha ha ha ha no but seriously, ‘bummed’ doesn’t even begin to describe how screwed you would have been. Taylor Swift has a lot of very expensive lawyers, and she isn’t afraid to use them. Ask anyone on Etsy – if you create something with Taylor Swift’s name on it, it belongs to Taylor Swift.”
Here’s more of Taylor looking like she got lost on her way to an audition for a L’Oreal Rouge Pulp commercial.
In case you were wondering whether or not Justin Bieber was still in a long-term committed relationship with the alopecic caterpillar that lives on his upper lip (Stephen Baldwin’s daughter is just his side-piece), this picture should answer your question. And for those of you wondering if that’s tape wrapped around his ring to make it fit, yes it is. Although I didn’t have to tell you that, since I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge that big boy pinky rings only come in adult sizes.
I’d like to think that at least one person in Justin Bieber’s life tried to talk him into shaving that horrible patch of teen stache hairs off his face before the Grammys last night, but that might be giving too much credit to Bieber’s hanger on-ers. Or maybe they were too afraid that if they spoke up and told Justin Bieber he looked like Aaron Carter’s long-lost dirtbag twin brother, he might channel “the old Bieber” and slap them to within an inch of naptime.
Either way, someone let him out of the clubhouse last night looking like a sleazy elf, and that’s a choice they’ll have to live with. Maybe they can get together with the person who told Bieber to bust out some Ashlee Simpson-meets-Ministry of Silly Walks dance moves during his performance of “Where Are Ü Now.”
I can see why people are askaird of the “old Bieber” – did you see how he threw that guitar down at the end of “Love Yourself“? It almost broke! Speaking of people who are clearly ten times harder than old Bieber, here’s Justin and his little brother Jaxon walking the red carpet. I don’t know if Jaxon said anything on the red carpet, but his eyes look like they’re saying: “If anyone asks, I came with…I dunno, anyone but you. Got it?”
The easy listening Boy George that is Sam Smith said he wrote Writing’s On The Wall, the theme song for the new James Bond movie Spectre, in about 20 minutes. It was released today and it sounds like he wrote it in about 5 after spending 15 minutes sipping wine and snorting crushed-up Ambien. It’s so damn slow. It makes a Lana Del Rey song sound like a sped-up version of “Get Happy” as sung by Shirley Temple on coke. It also sounds like he sang it in a half-sedated state while getting his b-hole waxed. It’s so whiny and sleepy. It’s the musical equivalent of your piece whining at you to cuddle with them after sex times and you just want to go to sleep.
A clip of it is below. If you have Spotify, you can listen to the whole thing here. I just kept waiting for it to swell and for Sam Smith to bring the DRAMA. It never happened. I waited and waited and waited. It felt like I was giving a handjob to a drunk dude who couldn’t get hard. You know, you keep jacking and waiting and jacking and waiting and eventually you pick up your phone with your other hand to play a game of Candy Crush.
If I can’t picture a drag queen in a sequined gown singing or lip-synching it in a gay club as dancers in tuxedos dance around her, it’s not a Bond song to me.
Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you retrieve your jaws from the floor, since I assume they all dropped from shock after reading this BREAKING news. Idina Menzel, the person Lea Michele pretends to be when she gets bored of playing low-budget Barbra, used to have dark brown hair. She pretty much had dark brown hair forever. But yesterday she tweeted a picture of herself with blonde hair and the words:
“Look what me and my girl @jenytamera did today. Needed a change. Loving it! #brunettetoblonde #blondehairdontcare“
I have to admit, those blonde highlights and that middle part are working for her. It’s sort of giving me a 1999 Delia’s catalogue Bottled Emotion 8th grade cool girl vibe, and I don’t hate it. However, I am disappointed that she didn’t complete the look with a baby blue Airwalk jacket, a white ribbed baby tee, 12 glittery butterfly clips, and half a pencil’s worth of chalky white eyeliner.
Idina Menzel didn’t say why she needed a change, but I bet it has something to do with wanting to go incognito after that creepy face-molesting moment she had with John Travolta at the Oscars this year. Is dying your hair part of the Witness Protection Program’s guide to hiding your identity? First it’s the hair, then it’s a legal name change. I see you, Adele Dazeem.
In case you’re looking at the picture above and thinking “Wasn’t Elsa from Frozen always blonde?“, here’s a bunch of pre-bleach pictures of Idina to remind you what she used to look like: