“Is that bitch over there also wearing a choker? Chokers are my thing. Didn’t she get the memo that I’m totally edgy and cool now?”
As Michael reported last month, the home-made Debbie Harry Barbie doll known formally as Taylor Swift received the Taylor Swift Award at the BMI Pop Awards last night. And this is what she wore to collect her award. I know that Taylor Swift recently discovered Tumblr’s interpretation of the ’90s, but there is such a thing as leaning in too hard. It’s like Taylor had a ’90s style checklist and wouldn’t leave the house until it was completely covered in glitter gel pen ink. Velvet slip dress? Check! Vaguely ’90s floral print? Check! Black choker? Check! Sun-In fried hair? Check! Transformation into a model from Delia’s 1997 prom catalog completed!
At least Taylor Swift is self-aware enough to realize how ridiculous it is that Taylor Swift – who took home 10 trophies last night – won the Taylor Swift Award. While accepting her award, Taylor made a joke about how ~awkward~ it would have been if BMI had given it to somebody else.
“Ha ha ha ha ha no but seriously, ‘bummed’ doesn’t even begin to describe how screwed you would have been. Taylor Swift has a lot of very expensive lawyers, and she isn’t afraid to use them. Ask anyone on Etsy – if you create something with Taylor Swift’s name on it, it belongs to Taylor Swift.”
Here’s more of Taylor looking like she got lost on her way to an audition for a L’Oreal Rouge Pulp commercial.
In case you were wondering whether or not Justin Bieber was still in a long-term committed relationship with the alopecic caterpillar that lives on his upper lip (Stephen Baldwin’s daughter is just his side-piece), this picture should answer your question. And for those of you wondering if that’s tape wrapped around his ring to make it fit, yes it is. Although I didn’t have to tell you that, since I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge that big boy pinky rings only come in adult sizes.
I’d like to think that at least one person in Justin Bieber’s life tried to talk him into shaving that horrible patch of teen stache hairs off his face before the Grammys last night, but that might be giving too much credit to Bieber’s hanger on-ers. Or maybe they were too afraid that if they spoke up and told Justin Bieber he looked like Aaron Carter’s long-lost dirtbag twin brother, he might channel “the old Bieber” and slap them to within an inch of naptime.
Either way, someone let him out of the clubhouse last night looking like a sleazy elf, and that’s a choice they’ll have to live with. Maybe they can get together with the person who told Bieber to bust out some Ashlee Simpson-meets-Ministry of Silly Walks dance moves during his performance of “Where Are Ü Now.”
I can see why people are askaird of the “old Bieber” – did you see how he threw that guitar down at the end of “Love Yourself“? It almost broke! Speaking of people who are clearly ten times harder than old Bieber, here’s Justin and his little brother Jaxon walking the red carpet. I don’t know if Jaxon said anything on the red carpet, but his eyes look like they’re saying: “If anyone asks, I came with…I dunno, anyone but you. Got it?”
The easy listening Boy George that is Sam Smith said he wrote Writing’s On The Wall, the theme song for the new James Bond movie Spectre, in about 20 minutes. It was released today and it sounds like he wrote it in about 5 after spending 15 minutes sipping wine and snorting crushed-up Ambien. It’s so damn slow. It makes a Lana Del Rey song sound like a sped-up version of “Get Happy” as sung by Shirley Temple on coke. It also sounds like he sang it in a half-sedated state while getting his b-hole waxed. It’s so whiny and sleepy. It’s the musical equivalent of your piece whining at you to cuddle with them after sex times and you just want to go to sleep.
A clip of it is below. If you have Spotify, you can listen to the whole thing here. I just kept waiting for it to swell and for Sam Smith to bring the DRAMA. It never happened. I waited and waited and waited. It felt like I was giving a handjob to a drunk dude who couldn’t get hard. You know, you keep jacking and waiting and jacking and waiting and eventually you pick up your phone with your other hand to play a game of Candy Crush.
If I can’t picture a drag queen in a sequined gown singing or lip-synching it in a gay club as dancers in tuxedos dance around her, it’s not a Bond song to me.
Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you retrieve your jaws from the floor, since I assume they all dropped from shock after reading this BREAKING news. Idina Menzel, the person Lea Michele pretends to be when she gets bored of playing low-budget Barbra, used to have dark brown hair. She pretty much had dark brown hair forever. But yesterday she tweeted a picture of herself with blonde hair and the words:
“Look what me and my girl @jenytamera did today. Needed a change. Loving it! #brunettetoblonde #blondehairdontcare“
I have to admit, those blonde highlights and that middle part are working for her. It’s sort of giving me a 1999 Delia’s catalogue Bottled Emotion 8th grade cool girl vibe, and I don’t hate it. However, I am disappointed that she didn’t complete the look with a baby blue Airwalk jacket, a white ribbed baby tee, 12 glittery butterfly clips, and half a pencil’s worth of chalky white eyeliner.
Idina Menzel didn’t say why she needed a change, but I bet it has something to do with wanting to go incognito after that creepy face-molesting moment she had with John Travolta at the Oscars this year. Is dying your hair part of the Witness Protection Program’s guide to hiding your identity? First it’s the hair, then it’s a legal name change. I see you, Adele Dazeem.
In case you’re looking at the picture above and thinking “Wasn’t Elsa from Frozen always blonde?“, here’s a bunch of pre-bleach pictures of Idina to remind you what she used to look like:
Seen above looking like a rich teenage mermaid who threatens to swim away from home every time her daddy refuses to give her the keys to his seahorse, Hilary Duff announced yesterday on Instagram that she had followed in the footsteps of a million tumblr teens by dying her hair a pastel Crayola shade.
I have trouble describing colors at the best of times, on account of that week I smoked my weight in salvia, but I can’t decide whether Hilary Duff’s new hair is blue or green. It’s like an enigma wrapped in a riddle stuffed into a jar of Manic Panic. Usually when I need to cross-reference a color, I defer to Michael K’s collection of She-Ra dolls, but I’m still having problems. If I squint with my left eye, I get Mermista, but if I squint with my right eye, I get Peekablue. This is BS – She-Ra never does me wrong! Eh, regardless of what color it is, let’s just call it a draw and agree that it makes her look like a sans-fards Kylie Jenner before she started morphing into a liquidation store version of Kim Kardashian.
Here’s more of Hilary Duff doing her daily pap walk to her car, except today it’s with blue-green hair. I think Hilary’s hair looks great, but I would advise her to steer clear of Fraggle Rock unless she wants to be accused by an angry Mokey Fraggle of trying to steal her look:
After taking a couple years off to focus on stuffing her bank account full of Avengers dollars, former attempted singer Scarlett Johansson has decided to return once again to the world of singing. According to Rolling Stone (via People) ScarJo has formed a girl group called The Singles with Este Haim from Haim, as well as singer-songwriters Holly Miranda, Kendra Morris, and Julia Haltigan. Este Haim? Uh oh, ScarJo, you in danger girl. I have a feeling that somewhere in a butterscotch castle in Gumdrop City, Taylor Swift just read the words ‘formed a group…with Este Haim’, whipped out her Lisa Frank Burn Book and screamed “THIS.SICK.BITCH™! Nobody steals friends from Tay Tay!”
So far, they have one song out and it’s called “Candy”. I know what you’re thinking – Mandy Moore would like a word with you, ScarJo. It’s not the worst, but that’s not saying much since you can’t really go wrong with ripping off Robyn’s “Dancing on My Own” and Stephanie Tanner’s after-school band Girl Talk.
It also sounds like a fake ring-tone from a Law & Order-type TV show that can’t get the rights to anything real, so they quickly record something in the craft services trailer using a karaoke app. And then when the phone rings and the detectives ask what song it is, the youngest “hippest” detective is like “Oh, that’s the Wild Style Girls – they’re all the rage right now.”
Here’s the lead singer of The Singles with her hot French husband (who appears to be fighting the hot, to be honest) Romain Dauriac at that star-stuffed Tom Ford show last night: