Diversity was a pretty hot topic last year during the whole #OscarsSoWhite fiasco, and you’d think that big of a conversation would have woken some people up. Because if it’s bad enough to get a hashtag, it must be something you should know about. Well, Aaron Sorkin just found out that Hollywood doesn’t exactly have a great track record when it comes to diverse voices.
All together now: And you’re not in one anymore, Glenn, so you can stop dressing like you are!
In an article on The Hollywood Reporter about her return to Broadway in A Delicate Balance, Glenn Close says that up until the age of 22, she was injecting the Kool-Aid by the gallon while being part of a cult called the Moral Re-Armament. MRA was founded and ran by Rev. Frank Buchman whom THR describes as “a violently anti-intellectual and possibly homophobic evangelical fundamentalist from Pennsylvania.” Frank told his followers that only those with special guidance from God were sin-free and it was their responsibility as humans to change others. If you change the word “God” to “Angelina Jolie,” that right there would be the Brangeloonie life motto. Actually, it would be the motto of many religions.
I don’t have kids, so I may be wrong here, but it’s my understanding that parents spend the days leading up to Black Friday training like Rocky and camping out in front of the nice Target (there’s always a nicer Target, and it’s usually located in the same plaza as the nice Chilis) with the goal of being the first person to grab a Tickle Me Elmo without getting assaulted. It’s kind of how we ring in the Christmas season? A Home Alone marathon on TV and taking a non-fatal stab wound to the leg over an iPad? Well, according to The Washington Post (via Jezebel), confused parents all across the country are putting their brass knuckles back into storage, because they won’t need them this year:
“There are no hot toys this year; there really aren’t,” said Gerrick Johnson, a toy industry analyst at BMO Capital Markets. “We don’t have a Tickle Me Elmo or a Zhu Zhu Pet or a Cabbage Patch Kid — nothing that is approaching phenomenon status.”
Instead, decades-old classics are inching their way back to the top of Christmas lists. According to a National Retail Federation survey released Thursday, 26 percent of shoppers said Barbies would be their primary purchase for girls. For boys, Legos were the most popular item, with 10.6 percent of customers on board.
There you have it. If you have a kid in your life, throw them a Barbie or Star Wars Lego and call it a day. But get them the real shit, because kids don’t want your off-brand Dollar Tree trash. There’s nothing worse than ripping into a Barbie doll-shaped present Christmas morning and finding a fake Barbie where a real Barbie should be, her stick-on eyes staring at you as if to say: “I know my left leg looks like a melted plastic nub, but you’re the one who owns me, so let’s just accept that both of our lives kind of suck.”
Fun Fact: As a Canadian person, I’ve never experience Black Friday. We have Boxing Day, but it’s not the same; it happens on December 26th and it’s really just an excuse to get away from the Christmas dinner turkey fart fog that’s blanketed your home. But since I’m currently living south of the border, a friend and I will be doing Black Friday stuff. And by ‘doing Black Friday stuff’, I mean ‘watching people bum-rush the barricades in front of a mall entrance and getting into scream-fights over discounted bottles of slightly-damaged One Direction perfume’. Ring the bells, Christmas is here! U-S-A! U-S-A!
(Pic via Toledo Blade)
Just typing the name “Andre Leon Talley” makes my b-hole tingle and poot out a silk taffeta ribbon, but he tells Vanity Fair (via Towleroad) that contrary to those Republican First Lady loafers on his feets, he is not gay. Most assumed that Andre Leon Talley is gayer than me belting out “Defying Gravity” from Wicked while waiting to buy a Mint Oreo Blizzard at a Dairy Queen drive-thru, but he doesn’t put any labels on himself. He’s had very, very gay experiences (like posing in that picture above), but he doesn’t consider himself strictly dickly. ALT says that he’s only been in love with two humans and they both had vaginas. Once you finish picking your blown mind up from across the room, read what ALT had to say after Vanity Fair asked him if he ever thought he was gay, even in high school:
“No, no, no. I was just into my magazines and the drawings. I had a very strict upbringing, almost puritanical. I lived there all the way through college. I was in my grandmother’s house, and I respected that!”
[I have] had very gay experiences, yes, I swear on my grandmother’s grave that I never slept with a single designer in my life. Never, ever desired, never was asked, never was approached, never, ever bought, in my entire career. Never. Not one. Skinny or fat. Never.
I just said to a friend, ‘I can create this magic, so why don’t I have a lover?’ [But] if I was a couple, I wouldn’t like to stay in the same bedroom. It is very un-chic in Europe to sleep in the same bedroom.”
Very un-chic in Europe to sleep in the same bedroom?! I always knew Andre Leon Talley was the spirit of an 80-year-old Austrian countess circa 1899 trapped in the body of a big, American black man. But ALT pretty much being a-sexual makes a whole lot of sense. Because bumping bare fuck parts with another human is totally overrated when you’re Andre Leon Talley and can cream out your orifices by twirling around in a geisha graduation robe.
Armie Hammer’s publicist and whoever is in charge of marketing that Lone Ranger disaster should really rub their taint something extra for a job well done, because I haven’t read this much about his vanilla ass since EVER. Here I am thinking that Armie Hammer has the personality of a headless Ken Doll and his publicist is trying to prove me wrong. Armie already told Playboy that when he was single, he liked to get a little rough while boning, but he doesn’t do that anymore now that he’s married, because he respects his feminist wife too much. I look like Andy Cohen today, because my eyeballs are still stuck to the side from all the rolling they did while reading that crap that came out of Armie’s mouth.
Well, Armie is back and is still trying to shed several layers on his “bland as a piece of dehydrated Iceberg lettuce” image. Armie tells Elle (via UsWeekly) that for some reason, people like to pull knives on him. Armie said that when he was in Australia one time, a homeless dude mistook him for someone else and tried to shank up his ass. Armie punched the homeless guy out and stole the knife. Then during Armie’s slut days in L.A., some chick he was boning pulled a knife on him and no, the chick wasn’t Catherine Tramell.
“One chick tried to stab me when we were having sex. I should so not be telling this story. She was like, ‘True love leaves scars. You don’t have any.’ And then she tried to stab me with a butcher knife. Of course I promptly broke up with her. . .seven months later.”
I didn’t know Amanda Bynes and Armie Hammer dated? I wonder if Armie’s wife pulls a knife on him when she tells him to yank her hair during sex and he refuses to, because he respects her too much as a feminist and wife. Speaking of his wife…
Armie comes from old money and his family has gold coins pouring out of all of their orifices. Right after he married his wife Elizabeth, he refused to take money from his family and so they lived on what they made. Armie said that they liked being broke:
“”For a while in our marriage, it was pretty tight and we liked that. We like living sort of hand-to-mouth. It makes you appreciate the time when you don’t have to live like that. We didn’t want to go to my parents and tuck our tails between our legs and be like, ‘Can you help us?’ We wanted to be our own adults. Also, there was once another Hammer, by the name of MC, who spent all of his money really quickly, and I would like to avoid that.”
So I guess Armie went from living hand-to-mouth to living with his foot-in-mouth. I’ve heard people say crap like that before. A rich former boss of mine said to me once something like, “Sometimes I wish I was broke, because it will teach me to appreciate the simpler things in life.” Bitch, shut it. Learn to appreciate your top lip touching your bottom lip. It’s easy for Armie Hammer to say, because living hand-to-mouth for him probably meant he had to buy Grey Poupon instead of eating mustard freshly made by his chefs from a mustard seed plant that grows in the greenhouse. It’s also easy for him to say, because his ass knew he wouldn’t have to live hand-to-mouth forever.
You know what living hand-to-mouth teaches you? That living hand-to-mouth sucks. But you know, I can see this becoming a major trend among the rich. I can see the rich living like the poors for a week to find themselves. Coming Soon: The Hand-To-Mouth Experience by GOOP Travel!
When Kim Kartrashian birthed out the next generation of fame whores 5 weeks early, I just figured that she induced really early into the summer because she wanted to get all her fat sucked out in time for staged bikini photo-op season. But a source (yes, let’s just nod and pretend like the source isn’t Pimp Mama Kris) tells People that Kim had complications and that’s why she popped out the Kimye baby prematurely. The source also says that Kaptain Krunch Kardashian West came into the world 3 weeks early and not 5 weeks early as previously reported. Yes, this matters (no, it doesn’t).
Sources in Kim’s tight circle (Note to People: None of Kim’s circles are tight) say that Kim was admitted into Cedars-Sinai on June 14th due to complications. Kanye West had just came back from whoring out Yeezus in Europe and immediately ran to Kim’s side (read: took a leisurely ride from the airport to his mansion, spent a couple of hours picking out the perfect leather pants to wear in the waiting room, powdered his b-hole and tried to remember Kim’s name before finally going to the hospital). The sources say that Kim was about 37 weeks pregnant when she went into labor and she gave birth to the 5lb Illuminati golden child naturally. Kim and Kanye’s kid is still in an incubator at the hospital, but is doing fine. Well, as fine as a baby can be when Pimp Memaw Kris is shoving E!’s cameras in her faces and measuring her body for the monokini she’ll wear for her public unveiling on the first episode of KRIS!.
Everything I know about pregnancy I learned from I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, so correct me if I’m the opposite of right, but isn’t 37 weeks considered full term? But then again, I’m pretty sure that the gestation period of the spawn of a gay fish and a factory-defected Real Doll is about 40 weeks, so maybe she really was premature. As for the name, Media TakeOut says they named their kid “Kaidence Donda West” and Hollywood Life says they’re naming her “Kai Georgia Donda West.” I say NO to both of those names. Since Kanye is obviously going to put his mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name, they should name her Donda Esta Ellos Kardashian West. I mean “Donda Esta Ellos?” is the question that the poor child will be asking her nannies every time her parents abandon her, which will be all the time.
And here’s PMK bonding with her middle shelf hos during a little family photo-op in Calabasas yesterday.