A group of extremely brave souls are rising up against the dark lemurs of fashion, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, because they claim that they were basically treated like slave laborers while interning for the fashion label The Row. When those dark-sided Olsens get through with those traitors, they’re really going to know the meaning of “slave labor,” because they’ll be banished to Hell where they’ll have to spend every minute of the day making CROCs for Lucifer.
Approximately 45 seconds ago (specifically, about a month ago), the deep fried pork loaf named Sean Penn was trying to make Minka Kelly his rebound piece and he wooed her with an extravagant ass dinner in Napa. But even Minka Kelly wasn’t that desperate for attention and she got away. I’m surprised Sean didn’t tie her to a chair like the old days. Well, Sean brushed off the dust of rejection, polished his face with leather wipes and went hunting for a new piece. UsWeekly says that Sean went out on a date with actress Emmanuelle Vaugier of Lost Girl and CSI:NY. Sean Penn’s “See, Charlize Theron, I’m TOTALLY Over You And Totally Moving On” tour through chocha continues!
UsWeekly says that on Tuesday night, Sean and Emmanuelle had a dinner date at Madeo in West Hollywood and some “witness” gave them all the details. That witness’ dinner date must have been pissed, because it sounds like the witness spent the entire night with their eyes glued to Sean’s barbecued face and Emmanuelle.
For the night out, Penn opted for jeans and a gray leather jacket, while Vaugier dressed in a first date-appropriate black halter dress. The eyewitness tells Us that the stars “seemed to have good chemistry” and their conversation flowed throughout dinner.
Once they were done with their cozy meal, Penn and Vaugier walked out to the back patio of the restaurant, where they were able to enjoy a more private conversation. Penn seemed relaxed and smoked a cigarette, while Vaugier nursed a vodka martini. The insider adds that that the One Tree Hill actress was smiling and laughing throughout their conversation, and the Milk actor held eye contact and did a lot of the talking.
Emmanuelle is probably wondering why her local MRI Center called her today to schedule an appointment. Oh, they’re just checking to make sure there’s nothing wrong with her brain that’s causing her to go out on a date with Sean Penn. And I know this is the part where we all scream, “RUUUUN, BITCH, RUUUUUN,” but Emmanuelle is Canadian. So let’s just say, “Run, eh, please?”
And here’s Emmanuelle at the premiere of the Descendants a couple of weeks ago.
Back in April, Lil Wayne (seen above at a party a few years ago with Birdman, which is…awkward) was leaving a show in Atlanta when two white cars pulled up and opened fire on each of his two tour buses. Nobody was hurt during the shootout, but the police were still contacted. About a month later, police arrested a guy named Jimmy Winfrey for going all Bonnie and Clyde on Wayne’s buses. As it turns out, Jimmy used to be the road manager for rapper Young Thug. Fun Fact: Young Thug and Lil Wayne hate each other.
“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.
Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)
But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.
Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:
That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”
Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.
Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.
We all said, “Marina, you in danger, girl” to performance artiste Marina Abramović yesterday when she told Spike Art Magazine that Jay Z did her dirty and fucked her over. Jay Z came to her in 2013 about adapting her work The Artist Is Present for his music video Picasso Baby. Marina agreed to do it as long as he made a donation to her art institute. Marina told Spike Art that she kept her end of the deal, but Jay Z did not keep his. He didn’t donate shit. Marina said she felt the same way I feel after a one night stand: used and thrown away. Now, while I like that feeling, Marina does not. Well, as it turns out, Jay Z did give her a bag of gold coins.
In related news, Marina Abramović has announced that for her next piece, titled The Artist Is Presently Kissing Ass, she will kiss Jay Z’s bare ass continuously for 17 hours straight so he doesn’t send the Illuminati after her.
The walls of Tumblr are barely standing and are covered in cracks from Benjidog Cummerbund getting married and hatching eggs into that Sophie Hunter trick and this news is probably going to make them completely crumble into a million pieces. My thoughts and prayers are with the N and O keys on the keyboard of every Hiddlestoner’s computer, because they’re probably using the shit out of those kyes while typing NOOOONONONONONONONONONO over and over again.
UsWeekly says that the beloved prince of Tumblr Tom Hiddleston is casually wet humping on the third Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. Tom and Elizabeth didn’t work together on the Avengers. (He shot a scene, but it got cut.) Some source says that they got really close while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light together. Elizabeth Olsen just broke up with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook in January, so she and Loki are just fuck buddies for now.
“They have been hooking up,” the insider tells Us of the longtime friends.
“It’s casual,” the insider says, adding that the two won’t be rushing into titles anytime soon, but they do make sure to “text when they’re apart.” And the timing for Hiddleston, 34, couldn’t be more perfect, considering Olsen, 26, called off her engagement to Boyd Holbrook this past January.
“She wants to make a new life for herself,” the source says. “She’s having fun.”
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have probably already pulled out the cauldron and are now chewing off frog legs, yanking out the nails of a black chicken and preparing the blood of a first born newborn, because they know they’re going to need to conjure up a serious dark magic spell to protect their sister from Loki’s fans. His fans will rage knowing that when Elizabeth Olsen looks down after he nibbles on her chocha, she gets to see that smiling face staring back at her. (And depending how sweaty he is, she might be able to get to see her reflection in his glorious forehead.) Or maybe his fans aren’t raging, because they’re holding it all in as they rock back and forth while they tell themselves, “Oh, it’s just PR, it’s just PR, it’s just PR.” I feel them. I do that every time Prince Hot Ginge hooks up with another dishwater blonde.
Earlier this week, both People and UsWeekly were excitedly shouting that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes were secretly dating each other after a blurry picture popped up of the two of them holding hands. At the time, Gossip Cop called shenanigans on the whole thing, and now Jamie Foxx would like to make it very clear that he’s not humping on the former Princess of Scientology. When asked yesterday by a pap yesterday how things are with Katie, Jamie answered:
“Oh come on, you guys have been trying to get that to stick for three years. She’s just friends. As a matter of fact, Anthony Zuiker, creator of CSI, he offered us an animation project. We’re working on that. That’s all. But they’ve been trying to do that for, you know, three years.“
If I was Detective Jessica Fletcher (I WISH), I’d say that there are one of two ways to explain Jamie’s answer:
1. He’s not banging Katie Holmes
2. He is banging Katie Holmes, but he’s denying it because he doesn’t want that jealous bitch Tom Cruise to send Scientology’s version of SEAL Team Six after him
Personally, I’m inclined to believe that they’re not fucking. Firstly, because hooking up with the Runaway Bride of Xenu is the definition of a “You in danger, girl” moment. Secondly, we all know Suri Cruise is the one calling the shots, and there’s no way she’d sanction such buffoonery as allowing her mother to date a measly millionaire. “Mother, please – if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 1000 times; we’re trying to stick to 1st tier members of established royal families or trillionaires.”
Here’s Jamie during his impromptu press conference with the paps yesterday:
And a year from now, Nona Gaye will work the hell out of that pink coat while sashaying out of Chanel with armfuls of bags and she’ll stop for a minute to drop a quarter into a Styrofoam cup held up by a homeless Pharrell Williams who went broke from losing copyright lawsuit after copyright lawsuit.
Marvin Gaye’s family will soon be $7.3 million richer after a jury in L.A. ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke basically took “Got To Give It Up,” dipped it in dirty toilet water, changed the lyrics and renamed it “Blurred Lines.” Robin Thicke’s lawyer Howard E. King told reporters that they plan to appeal and do everything they can to make sure that the verdict doesn’t stand. Because of this ruling and the Tom Petty/Sam Smith settlement, Howard said that shit is going to get dangerous and if this is the way the law is going to go, anybody who creates anything better watch their asses.
Howard said that yes, Pharrell has admitted that Marvin Gaye is one of his idols and inspirations, but “Blurred Lines” and “Got To Give It Up” are two completely different songs. Marvin Gaye’s family, of course, doesn’t agree and they might not be done with Pharrell. Nona Gaye told CBS News that there’s a chance her family will go after Pharrell’s #1 song “Happy” next. Nona and Marvin Gaye’s ex-wife Janis believe that “Happy” and “Ain’t That Peculiar” sound like twins. FYI: “Ain’t That Peculiar” wasn’t even written by Marvin Gaye.
“I’m not going to lie. I do think they sound alike,” Nona Gaye, Marvin’s 40-year-old daughter, said. However, she added that she wasn’t thinking about the legal implications right now. “We’re not in that space.”
“We’re just in the moment today and we’re satisfied,” Janis added.
FYI: “Ain’t That Peculiar” wasn’t even written by Marvin Gaye.
The Gaye family are out for the smooth rat’s blood and are going to suck him dry. They won’t be satisfied until they got Pharrell singing, “Because I’m brokeeeeee.” Pharrell is going to liquidate all his assets, clear out his accounts and hide all his money in a place no one will dare or want to go (example: like under a pile of Robin Thicke’s last album “Paula.”) Then he’s going to escape to a far away island where he’ll sell denim capris to tourists on the beach.
You probably already know what “Happy” sounds like since it’s been stuck in your brain for over a year, so I’m not going to post it here. But below is Marvin Gaye’s “Ain’t That Peculiar” for you to compare. Click here to hear the mash-up of the two songs.
In case you haven’t been keeping up on this feud between Mo’Nique and the director of Precious Lee Daniels, let me try to give you the Cliffs Notes version. Mo’Nique told The Hollywood Reporter that not too long ago, she was told by Lee Daniels that she’s been blackballed by Hollywood for not playing the game (aka not sucking enough ass). Mo’Nique said that she was supposed to be in Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was hers, but Lee snatched that shit away from her. Lee responded to Mo’Nique’s blackballed claim by basically confirming that she’s been blackballed by him. Mo’Nique kept the fight going by saying that she thinks Lee Daniel’s b-hole got twisted when she didn’t thank him by name during her Oscar speech. She also said that he offered her the role of Cookie in Empire (insert CookieIsNotAmused.GIF here). Empire’s co-creator Danny Strong said on Twitter that the role of Cookie was always meant for Taraji P. Henson. Mo’Nique clapped back once again by claiming she has e-mails proving she was offered that role. This shit is more melodramatic than that scene in Precious where Mo’Nique ruins a perfectly good TV by dropping it on Gabourey Sidibe in that stairwell.
Lee Daniels has stayed quiet since farting up that response to Mo’Nique, but she’s not done. Mo’Nique took her “I WILL NOT BE BLACKBALLED” tour to TMZ yesterday. Mo’Nique told Harvey Levin that she didn’t get the role of Cookie because FOX was told that she’s as difficult as an incontinent shark (I don’t know what that means either). Mo’Nique is not afraid of Lee Daniels even though he is a power player in Hollywood.
Stop the madness, Mo’Nique!
Part of me thinks that is a STUNT QUEEN stunt and if that’s not the case, then she needs to hit the brakes on this shit. At this point, it seems like only Lee Daniels’ dramatic ass has “blackballed” her, but if she keeps going, the only job offer she’ll get is to join the cast of Bowling with the Stars in Greenland. If she put as much blood, sweat, tears and drama into her Oscar campaign as she is into this campaign against Lee Daniels, she might not have bitches mad at her. And I’m sure Lee Daniels is going to turn this whole saga into a show called Blackballed and he’ll offer Mo’Nique the role of Mo’Nique before snatching it away and giving it to Oprah.
And just like that, every one of Giorgio Armani’s employees quit on the spot and are standing in the back of the line at the unemployment office, because they’re not going to be there when Madonna shows up in a cloud of black smoke to destroy what he loves most for shading her. Giorgio Armani is 80, so I’m assuming she’s going to destroy his stash of Wertherio’s Originales (“Wertherio’s Originales” are the Italian version of Werther’s Originals.)
After Madge did an interpretative dance portrayal of MDNA’s second week sales at the Brit Awards last week, she explained in an Instagram post that her Giorgio Armani cape was tied too tight and she couldn’t get it off in time. I’m sure she wrote that Instagram post while sitting on the beautiful chair she made with the bones of the dancer who snatched her to the floor and made her get whiplash. I didn’t take Madge’s comment as a slap to Giorgio Armani, but I guess he did. After his show in Milan, Giorgio Armani told the Associated Press that he wanted to put a hook on the cape, but Madge insisted on ties and you know what a diva bitch she can be.
Giorgio Armani says the bull fighter’s cape that brought down Madonna during a live performance at Brit Awards was meant to be closed with an easy-to-undo hook. She wanted it tied instead.
“Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,” Armani said with a smile and a shrug backstage after his Emporio Armani show. “That’s all there was to it.”
I love it when fancy Italian pepaw fashion designers bring the bitchiness. Giorgio Armani’s subtle bitchy words are like a defibrillator on my soul. I’m sure Madge won’t be bothered by his words at all and will gladly wear him again. I’m sure that during her next performance of Living For Love, she’ll wear another giant Giorgio Armani cape custom made out of HIS SKIN.
And here’s Madge giving you brothel madam outside of a TV station in Milan last night.