Cuba Gooding Jr. was on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote Shapiro Brows: The Mini-Series Event and that shifty Siamese Cat named Andy Cohen got him to talk about whether or not Scientology’s sexiest pin-up Tom Cruise has pulled, nipped, tweaked or pricked his face. As everyone knows, Cuba and Tommy did Jerry Maguire together and they’ve stayed friends. During a game of the Spill the Tea! last night, Andy asked Cuba to spill the tea on the secret to Tommy’s beauty.
“Chile, why is Aretha Franklin buying her lace front wigs from Ali Express,” asked every Black woman in America.
Now before we get into the hilarity, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Michael moonlighting as a Black woman today?” And the answer is no, my love. Instead he’s hired an actual Black woman. My name is Carla and like Michael and fellow owner of a vagina, Allison we’re cut from the same cloth—i.e., we pretty much binge eat every aspect of pop culture for you so you don’t have to. Unlike everyone here, I like my pop culture with a big messy factor and I’m so hoping you’re into some petty shiznit (that and outdated slang that reeks of an older millennial). I just live for the petty and it doesn’t get messier than covering the lives of our modern day soaps in the form of celebrity culture. I’m also heavily into BBC, using words such as “nookie” to refer to any vagina and making arbitrary references. I’m looking forward to underwhelming you with the power of my nookie, so let’s begin and get back to Aretha.
Pharrell’s hat twin Linda Perry became Little Monster enemy #1 last night when she accused Lady CaCa of using one of Beyonce’s signature tricks to get a writing credit on a song. Linda Perry is the one who exposed Beyonce’s writing credit trick and now she’s yanking at Gaga’s wig. Diane Warren and Gaga were nominated for a Best Song Oscar for the song Til It Happens To You from the documentary The Hunting Ground. Linda went “hmmm…” on Twitter last night over how Diane Warren’s demo of the song was pretty much identical to the version that Lady CaCa released. The hipster cholita scarecrow says that only one little line was re-worked in Til It Happens To You, and she thinks Diane let Gaga make that tiny change so that Gaga would get a writing credit and the song would get more promotion.
Somewhere in a maximum-security Mexican holding cell, El Chapo is totally ripping-up this picture of his former Hollywood BFF Sean Penn like an angry teen girl while sobbing “I KNEW I shouldn’t have trusted that shady charbroiled chorizo-looking rat man!”
So, I’m not exactly an expert on what happens after you inadvertently give away the hiding place of an escaped drug kingpin, but I’m guessing that it’s safe to say Sean Penn might want to lay low for a little while. According to the Associated Press, Sean’s recent-ish interview with Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone helped authorities track his ass down at his secret hideout and capture him. If you’re looking for a “You in danger, girl” GIF and can’t find one, it’s because they’re all being sent to Sean Penn right now.
Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:
“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”
You can watch the entire interview here if you want.
Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….
LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015
So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!
“Bleheheheheehe, Madge outwitted you simpletons once again!” – Madge while her driver cuts through traffic in that picture.
The staff at both The Sun and The Daily Mail better sleep on a bed of garlic with a crucifix on their chest, because the Dark Vampire Priestess of the Illuminati is going to come for them now that they’ve come for her. They have pictures of Madge sitting in the back of a car that’s got police-type lights sitting on the dashboard. As Madge left her show at the O2 Arena in London, the streets were crowded with cars also leaving her concert and she was forced to sit in traffic for a second. Madge and/or her driver weren’t having it so they reportedly turned on the lights and cut through those hos.
KFed vs. The Beyhive is the battle I didn’t know I needed in my life.
Kevin Federline, the old cum stain on a pair Von Dutch panties that refuses to be scrubbed out, made people remember he exists over the weekend when he talked shit about Beyonce. KFed instantly became Beyhive enemy #1 right after the sports site Terez Owens tweeted this picture of the Queen of the Beyhive and Jay-Z at some fight in Las Vegas:
KFed saw that picture and made the stingers of the BumbleBeys shake with these three words:
@TerezOwens she looked botoxed
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
And then he said that Beyonce looks like she should be scaring people while riding around on a little red tricycle.
So sad when a beautiful woman chops and screws her face up w/Botox and surgery… #sawface
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
I’m sure the Beyhive is making plans to hit KFed where it really hurts (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to break into his closet and destroy his beloved collection of white socks and Adidas slide sandals.) But before they do that, they’ve been filling up his mentions on Twitter. Of course, they dragged Our Lady of Cheetos into it, which makes no sense since she’s an all-natural youthful Louisiana blossom.
This is so random that I love it, but the Beyhive really doesn’t know who they’re fucking with. KFed is so damn fertile that he can knock a bitch up through a DM. If the Beyhive keeps screwing with KFed, he will send them all a DM and as soon as they open it up, BOOM pregnant. And they’ll be cursing his name for the next 18 years every time they have to write him a child support check.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
I hope Leah Remini is working on her squats, because if she ever sees Tom Cruise out in public, she’s going to need to squat down and press her hand against his little forehead as he tries to swing at her while screeching about how he’s going to ruin her.
A couple of years ago, Leah Remini woke up and smelled the barley-infused alien bullshit when she quit the Cult of Crazy after she got talked to and was punished for wondering “Where in the world is Shelly Miscavige?” Ever since then, Leah has openly talked about those crazy and controlling alien-humping messes, and to promote her new tell-all, Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology, she spills more during an interview on 20/20 this Friday night. ABC released a 30-second preview that doesn’t really show that much. Leah basically says that Scientology brainwashes you and turns you against non-Scientologists and she also tells us something we already knew: If you talk shit about Scientology’s reigning queen Tommy Girl, you will find yourself scrubbing the floors of the bath house glory hole named after him at Gold Base in Riverside County. Everyone knows that the first rule of Scientology is to not trash its poster child, but ABC teases that Leah may say more about him.
Leah: Being critical of Tom Cruise is being critical of Scientology itself. You are evil.
Dan Harris: If you knew that Tom Cruise was watching this, what would you say to him?
Leah probably isn’t going to say anything that scandalous, but I really, really hope she takes that question and uses it to finally destroy Scientology from the inside. Leah could easily turn Scientology’s biggest sweethearts against each other by saying, “Tom, I just want to let you know that John Travolta made fun of your heels and told everyone you’ve got plugs.” Scientology would come crumbling down and the only thing left would be a tattered wig and broken lifts.
Up until a little over a week ago, Khloe Kartrashian, seen above in the old days looking like a factory-defected Chyna Real Doll, had herself a new basketball-playing millionaire piece and had moved on from her estranged husband Lamar Odom. But then Lamar nearly overdosed to death in a Nevada brothel and Khloe dropped everything to be by his side, and thanks to the power of her love, he came out of a coma and is slowly recovering. It’s the greatest love story of our time…and it’s going to go on.
Both Khoe and Lamar signed their divorce papers in July, but the court in L.A. never finalized it because they’re backed up. Their divorce was set to be finalized in a couple of months. But TMZ says that’s not going to happen, because Khloe’s lawyer Laura Wasser went to court this morning to ask a judge to withdraw the divorce papers that they both signed. The judge approved the request and now Khloe and Lamar’s divorce is off.
Khloe already dumped her latest piece James Harden and TMZ also says that a few days ago, she and Lamar agreed to give their marriage another chance. They both signed the papers to cancel their divorce. Lamar signed the papers from his hospital bed. And right after he did that, I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke and quickly pricked Lamar’s finger for blood before telling him that he may as well sign a few more things since he’s well enough to sign. You know, nothing big. She just made him sign away all his future earnings and the right to use him without pay in all their reality shows and in ads for the new fragrance Unbreakable II.
As soon as Lamar said “yes” to Khloe asking him if he wants to get back together and join the Kartrashian family again, his doctor probably scribbled onto his chart, “Check brain activity again STAT!”
And here’s Kim Kartrashian wearing a funeral muumuu while leaving a Vogue party with Kanye West.
I may swear off the bong (never) if Tim Gunn keeps at it, because his shady tidbits about his arch rival Anna Wintour hug my soul and take me to happy places. If Tim Gunn dropped daily nuggets about the hilariously bitchy ways of Anna Wintour, the makers of every anti-depressant would go out of business. This is our Prozac. This is better than a damn puppy video.