Up until a few days ago, I thought we only had a handful of weeks of hearing about the pregnancy of the only woman who has ever been pregnant in the history of women being pregnant. But it turns out that we’ve got a handful of MONTHS before the arrival of the luckiest human who will never have to see the word “late fee” on a bill and gets to call Prince Hot Ginge “daddy” and mean it. Though, there’s one woman who doesn’t have to hear every little detail about Meghan’s pregnancy down to what her pregnancy farts smell like (SPOILER ALERT: like the tears of Samantha Markle, the sweat of the servants she HEARTLESSLY overworks, gold, and a splash of ginger), and that’s because there’s no WiFi or satellite reception in the dungeon the woman was sent to for calling Meghan FAT!
Prepare For The Wrath Of The Swifties And The Beyhive: Taylor Swift And Beyonce Were Shut Out Of The Major Grammy Categories
Every single Grammy voter better arm themselves with RAID Beyhive spray (yes, they make that) and Katy Purry Purrfume (a cat dies every time I type that), because their Gods, Taylor Swift and Beyonce, were denied a nomination in the major categories. The Grammy nominations were announced this morning, and while Tay Tay and Bey Bey were thrown some nominations (aka PITY NOMS!), they didn’t make it into Album of the Year, Record of the Year or Song of the Year. They also didn’t make the Best New Artist cut, and no, they’re far from new, but I’m sure their fans are screaming, “They reinvent themselves with each album they do so they’re a new artist each time!!!!”
Meanwhile, Post Malone, who I’m convinced is a Shia LaBeouf performance art piece based on his favorite Garbage Pail Kid, got nominations for AOTY and ROTY. The Beyhive better not even try to come for Post Malone, because the mutated gnats always buzzing around him will bite off their heads. They’ve been warned.
The George Michael Lite known as Sam Smith was on an innocent boat ride to Catalina Island with Adam Lambert when choppy waters came his way in the form of Michael Jackson fans grabbing him by the tip of his widow’s peak and throwing him into the ocean with the sharks. The man version of Adele (Mandele?) learned that the only thing you have to do to get MJ superfans, including Grammy-winning singer and the original Dorothy in The Wiz Stephanie Mills, to declare you public enemy #1 is to say the words: I don’t like Michael Jackson. Sam Smith better wear an industrial-strength helmet and sunglasses made out of steel whenever he goes outside, because you know the dove lady from Michael Jackson’s child molestation trial is going to send her birds to peck a trick to death.
A Judge Dared To Tell St. Angie Jolie That She’ll Lose Primary Custody Of Kids If She Doesn’t Let Them See Brad Pitt
St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce battle royale has lasted longer than By The Sea (which was only 2 hours and 12 minutes, but felt like a 20-year coma which you pray you stay in so you don’t have to wake up to their overacting), and one of the major things they’re fighting over is the custody arrangement of their child army. Apparently, Angie has been “err” about sharing custody with the child army because she doesn’t trust Brad to not bust out another drunk dad meltdown. Recently, there was a rumor that Angie was pissed that she couldn’t move her kids to London where she’s filming Maleficent 2 because Brad didn’t want to leave Los Angeles. UsWeekly says that a new temporary custody agreement has been reached, and what the judge in the case said to Angie may cause horns to sprout out of her head before she wreaks havoc on the American judicial system. The judge spit at her for keeping the kids from their father, and threatened to rip primary physical custody out of her claws if she doesn’t play nice. As one of my favorite philosophers of 2010 said: Oh here go hell come!
Allison Mack, who used to be known as the harmless unflavored microwave oatmeal blonde from Smallville and is now known as the alleged sex slave recruiter for a cult called NXIVM, is currently sitting in a NYC jail cell on sex trafficking and forced labor charges. Allison pleaded not guilty to the charges, and she and the leader of the sex slave cult, Keith Raniere, are both facing a life locked up in the clink forever. Allison is apparently looking to cut a plea deal with the feds (translation: Bitch is ready to spill it and turn on her former sex slave master), and as she does that, more bits of chunky messy details are popping up in this giant bowl of thick fuckery.
Tiffany Haddish either gives 0.0000 fucks about Beyonce threatening her with an NDA in song, or in that selfie above, Beyonce is whispering into her ear, “Now, I’m going to need you to tell everyone about that cracked out home wrecking trollop trying to get with my man, and I’m going to act like I’m mad about you spilling it, but keep on, keep on…” Because Tiffany has more to say about the messy night she met Beyonce.
Tiffany already said that Beyonce kept her from whooping the ass of a trick who was trying to become Jay-Z’s latest side piece, and now she’s telling GQ that the trick was on drugs and took a bite out of Bey. Whoever that cracked out actress is, she better start begging for the authorities to let her into the BPP (Beyhive Protection Program), because if there’s one thing that the Beyhive has (besides a crazed undying love for Beyonce), it’s the time needed to track down the evil doer who stabbed their Jesus in the face with her teeth.