“Oooh, if you need any help, give me a call. I love a good trademark lawsuit!” texted Taylor Swift to Beyonce.
According to the Daily Mail, a company named Feyoncé Inc has found themselves in some legal trouble with her holiness Beyonce. You see, just like Taylor Swift and many other artists who care deeply about dollars, Beyonce trademarked a bunch of stuff to protect her bank account from people not named Beyonce looking to make a buck off her name. One company in Texas clearly thought they found a loophole and started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” (pronounced like “fiancé“) on it in the same font Beyonce uses. Stuff like mugs, t-shirts, hoodies – basically anything a recently-engaged Beyhive member would buy to use as a prop in one of the 1,293 engagement pictures they’d upload to Facebook.
Yesterday and this morning, my inbox, my Twitter timeline and my RSS feed were all filled with titles saying that Katie Price would have aborted earth angel Harvey Price if she knew about his disabilities before she had him. The OUTRAGE muscle that started growing in my brain the first minute I logged onto the Internet began to throb and I was about to rage at that toe-fucking evil heartless demon.
But then I did this bizarre thing called “read beyond the headline.” I know, I don’t know why I did that. What’s wrong with me?
Fuller House came out on Netflix at midnight last night and I had planned to stay up to watch at least one episode, but a strange thing that happens almost every night happened: I passed out in a Nutella and chardonnay coma at around 10. Yes, Nutella and chardonnay. If I had a Chelsea Handler book on my chest and a fluffy white dog named Coco Rose passed out next to me, I’d officially be a middle-aged divorcee. I haven’t watched Fuller House yet, but I can always count on Twitter to give me the information I really need, like how the show deals with the Olsens wanting nothing to do with it.
Somebody make Paul Rodriguez a protective armor suit out of Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa and other anti-depressants, because John Travolta and Tom Cruise are gonna git him for talking trash about an ALLEGED down-low member of their gang of crazy.
The comedian and star of The Golden Girls (Note: He was only in one episode, but anybody who was part of that national treasure wants to forever be known as “star of The Golden Girls.”) was doing an interview on Rock 105.3’s The Show (via NYDN) in San Diego when he brought up working with Will Smith. Paul did 1993’s Made In America with Will Smith and said that went smooth. But when they worked on 2001’s Ali together, it was so bad that Paul declared that he’ll never work with Will Smith again. “More like you’re never going to work in this town again, trick,” said Will Smith right before he put Paul’s name on the official Hollywood blacklist under The Original Aunt Viv.
Cuba Gooding Jr. was on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote Shapiro Brows: The Mini-Series Event and that shifty Siamese Cat named Andy Cohen got him to talk about whether or not Scientology’s sexiest pin-up Tom Cruise has pulled, nipped, tweaked or pricked his face. As everyone knows, Cuba and Tommy did Jerry Maguire together and they’ve stayed friends. During a game of the Spill the Tea! last night, Andy asked Cuba to spill the tea on the secret to Tommy’s beauty.
“Chile, why is Aretha Franklin buying her lace front wigs from Ali Express,” asked every Black woman in America.
Now before we get into the hilarity, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Michael moonlighting as a Black woman today?” And the answer is no, my love. Instead he’s hired an actual Black woman. My name is Carla and like Michael and fellow owner of a vagina, Allison we’re cut from the same cloth—i.e., we pretty much binge eat every aspect of pop culture for you so you don’t have to. Unlike everyone here, I like my pop culture with a big messy factor and I’m so hoping you’re into some petty shiznit (that and outdated slang that reeks of an older millennial). I just live for the petty and it doesn’t get messier than covering the lives of our modern day soaps in the form of celebrity culture. I’m also heavily into BBC, using words such as “nookie” to refer to any vagina and making arbitrary references. I’m looking forward to underwhelming you with the power of my nookie, so let’s begin and get back to Aretha.
Pharrell’s hat twin Linda Perry became Little Monster enemy #1 last night when she accused Lady CaCa of using one of Beyonce’s signature tricks to get a writing credit on a song. Linda Perry is the one who exposed Beyonce’s writing credit trick and now she’s yanking at Gaga’s wig. Diane Warren and Gaga were nominated for a Best Song Oscar for the song Til It Happens To You from the documentary The Hunting Ground. Linda went “hmmm…” on Twitter last night over how Diane Warren’s demo of the song was pretty much identical to the version that Lady CaCa released. The hipster cholita scarecrow says that only one little line was re-worked in Til It Happens To You, and she thinks Diane let Gaga make that tiny change so that Gaga would get a writing credit and the song would get more promotion.
Somewhere in a maximum-security Mexican holding cell, El Chapo is totally ripping-up this picture of his former Hollywood BFF Sean Penn like an angry teen girl while sobbing “I KNEW I shouldn’t have trusted that shady charbroiled chorizo-looking rat man!”
So, I’m not exactly an expert on what happens after you inadvertently give away the hiding place of an escaped drug kingpin, but I’m guessing that it’s safe to say Sean Penn might want to lay low for a little while. According to the Associated Press, Sean’s recent-ish interview with Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone helped authorities track his ass down at his secret hideout and capture him. If you’re looking for a “You in danger, girl” GIF and can’t find one, it’s because they’re all being sent to Sean Penn right now.
Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:
“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”
You can watch the entire interview here if you want.
Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….
LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015
So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!
“Bleheheheheehe, Madge outwitted you simpletons once again!” – Madge while her driver cuts through traffic in that picture.
The staff at both The Sun and The Daily Mail better sleep on a bed of garlic with a crucifix on their chest, because the Dark Vampire Priestess of the Illuminati is going to come for them now that they’ve come for her. They have pictures of Madge sitting in the back of a car that’s got police-type lights sitting on the dashboard. As Madge left her show at the O2 Arena in London, the streets were crowded with cars also leaving her concert and she was forced to sit in traffic for a second. Madge and/or her driver weren’t having it so they reportedly turned on the lights and cut through those hos.