Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”
Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.
Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.
That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack
..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.
At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time
On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!
Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.
If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.
And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.
Dear Lifetime: Drop whatever project you’re currently working on (unless it’s a biopic of Rojo Caliente, it’s not important) and start writing Not Without My Daughter 2: Escape From Scientology. I mean, you’ll get sued into the ground if you use the word Scientology, so you’ll have to change it to something like cheesy and obvious, like Celebuscience or Scienceformity, but that’s not important. What’s important is that the story of Leah Remini’s Sophie’s Choice between her cult and her daughter comes to the small screen in a two-hour ratings-grabbing melodrama extravaganza!
Leah Remini must either have the most powerful DILLIGAF attitude in the world, or she’s become a pro at sleeping with one eye open, because she’s brave enough to keep talking more shit about The Big S (“Oooo, sign me up for one of those!” – John Travolta). In an interview with BuzzFeed (via People) Leah says she realized it was time to leave Scientology when she was repeatedly ditching her kid to hang out at Xenu’s Clubhouse:
“In my house, it’s family first – but I was spending most of my time at the church,” she says. “So, I was saying ‘family first,’ but I wasn’t showing that. I didn’t like the message that sent my daughter.”
The actress admits she grew up “resenting” her own mother for spending so much time at the church instead of at home. “We went from a middle-class lifestyle [in Brooklyn] to living in a roach-infested motel with six other girls off a freeway in Clearwater,” Remini recalls of her family’s transition to the church’s Florida compound during her childhood. However, Remini insists she and her mom are now closer than ever.
I know I was joking before, but this is seriously my kind of Lifetime movie. Imagine the hair and makeup of late-1970s Brooklyn? That roach-infested Florida motel in Florida? A scene with a soccer coach offering to drive Leah Remini’s defeated-looking daughter home after practice because her mom forgot to pick her up? Bobby Moynihan as Kirstie Alley? For the love of Xenu, Lifetime NEEDS to make Not Without My Daughter 2. And they should start by casting a certain Lifetime veteran named Lindsay Lohan as…Florida Motel Roach (it’s the role she was born to play).
It’s never a good sign when someone says something about their ex and my first instinct is to calmly walk to the pantry and open up a box of Molly…You In Danger, Girl (that should be a Girl Scout cookie) and email the contact information of a local locksmith to said ex with the subject line: “I dunno, probably not a big deal, but maybe time to change the locks, yes?”. But thanks to Us Weekly’s recent interview with Lamar Odom, the matter of my concern is the safety and well-being of a Kardashian. I know, never would I have thought. Up is down. Black is white. Big-assed trolls are intelligent and useful.
In an exclusive interview with Us Weekly after a Feb. 21 press conference for his new team, Baskonia (a.k.a. Laboral Kutxa), the basketball player said [Khloe] Kardashian would “always” be his wife, even if they divorce — which he’s hoping doesn’t happen.
“I love my wife. She’ll always be my wife, no matter what,” Odom, who filed for divorce in December after four years of marriage. “Who knows? We don’t know exactly if [the divorce is going through]. Only time will tell. I hope not. But even if we were divorced, she would always be my wife.”
I think maybe he thought he was being romantic, but “Always be my wife” is the sort of thing a murderer says in a movie while holding a knife above his sleeping victim. Can Us Weekly tell us more about the room in which this interview was conducted? Was the word FOREVER written on the wall in self tanner above a picture of Khloe? Like, I’m not saying she needs to pack up and move into witness protection (HA! Like a Kardashian would ever), but I am saying that it sounds like Lamar is one crackpipe smoked to a sad love song away from surprising his ex-wife with Rob in a pot of boiling water on the stove. He won’t be dead, of course – it’s scientifically impossible for boiling water to heat through that many layers of useless- but still, nobody wants to come home and find The Sock One hanging out in their kitchen.
Both The Los Angeles Times and TMZ say that the last government agency you should fuck with, the IRS, hit the Michael Jackson Estate with a bill for hundreds of millions of dollars. The IRS claims that Michael Jackson’s Estate lied about his net worth when he died and now they want $702 million in taxes and fines. Run, Jackson Family, ruuuuun, flee to Switzerland while you still can! Blanket and Detective La Toya are too fragile and delicate for prison!
In documents filed with the U.S. Tax Court in Washington, the IRS claims that the executors of Michael Jackson’s estate claimed that he was worth $7 million at the time of his death in 2009. According to the IRS, Michael Jackson was worth just a little bit more than $7 million. The IRS says that he was actually worth $1.125 billion. Wooops, bitch. That’s what the Jacksons get for letting Bubbles do their accounting #nodissrespecttobubbles. The IRS says that the Michael Jackson Estate owes taxpayers $505 million in unpaid taxes and $197 million in fines. To show the Jackson Estate that they aren’t fucking around, the IRS doubled the tax penalty from 20% to 40%. Michael Jackson’s tax return was so inaccurate, which is why they’ve been hit with that gross valuation misstatement penalty. The L.A. Times breaks down what the IRS claim was underreported.
Michael Jackson’s image:
His estate claims it’s valued at only $2,105.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $434.264 million.
Michael Jackson’s interest in the trust that owns the catalog of his own songs and the Beatles’ songs:
His estate claims it’s valued at ZERO dollars and ZERO cents.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $469 million.
During the wrongful death suit, a public accountant testified that Michael Jackson took out a $320 million loan against the music catalog. The IRS also says that another trust his Estate claims is worth $2.2 million is actually worth $60.6 million. MJ’s Estate stated that the Jackson 5 master recordings are valued at $11.2 million, but the IRS thinks they’re valued at $45.5 million.
The L.A. Times says that the Estate’s lawyers will definitely smear Vaseline all over their faces and fight this to the end. They will probably argue that at the time of his death, Michael Jackson hadn’t toured and he hadn’t put out an album and the child molestation scandal ruined his reputation, so his image wasn’t worth nearly $434 million. Most inheritance tax disputes are settled before going to court, but the L.A Times thinks that the Jackson Estate is ready to go to trial, because they’ve hired the top tax litigators in L.A.
Yes, $702 million is a shit load of money (“Speak for yourself, poor!” – Oprah), but the Jacksons can easily pay it off by doing the following:
- Sell bottles of Detective La Toya’s air kisses at $100 each.
Estimated profit: $219 million
- Chop off Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane (I know, I should be arrested for even typing that) and sell it to weave companies.
Estimated profit: $310 million
- Sell Jermaine Jackson’s hairline to science.
Estimated profit: $5
- Make Rebbie Jackson perform the greatest Jackson song of all-time “Centipede“ at birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc..
Estimated Profit: $456 million
- Put up a Kickstarter to send Joe Jackson on a one-way trip to space.
Estimated profit (after the cost of the space trip): $999 million
Estimated total profit: $1.989 billion!
See, and they’ll still have a bunch of money leftover after they pay the taxes on their profits. And yes, after looking at my gross valuation of estimated profits, I’m beginning to think that I was the Jackson Estate accountant.
A couple of weeks ago, Kris Jenner dusted off her signature move, polished up another one of her turds (sorry, kturds) and flung it at a high-profile musician hoping it would stick in the form of setting Kendall up with One Direction’s Harry Styles. UK tabloids report that Harry has already packed it up and hightailed it the fuck out of Jentrashian shitstorm and is now dating Gavin Rossdale’s spawn Daisy Lowe.
Kris is supposedly pissed that Daisy fucked up her Kim/Kanye 2.0 plan and stole Harry away. If Daisy is smart, she’ll become fast friends with Leah Remini to get some tips on how to handle the wrath of religious zealots knowing that the High Priestess of The Church of Latter Day Taints is going to come for her ass. Nobody fucks with Kris Jenner or her ilk without doing it on camera for publicity, especially since ratings for their show are down. The last thing Daisy will see before her coffin slides shut is Kris’s face, who will be so pissed her face will ALMOST move.
If it wasn’t against the fame whore way, I’d guess Kendall is in a basement somewhere trading stories with Solange Knowles about failing the family, but this is PMK we’re talking about. Kris probably just dragged Kendall to their lip injection doctor as punishment, then smacked her upside the head and threw her out of the car at The Grove and told her not to come home until she had at least two dozen pap shots in the bank.
Here are some pics of One Direction at the airport after flying in for an SNL appearance. I can’t figure out if the guy hanging all over Zayne is helping him walk because he’s drunk or high or if the guy is just angling for an unsolicited piggy back ride. Fangirls come in all shapes and sizes!
Seen here after murdering whatever was left of her career and dignity (or maybe it was one of those heavy, heavy flow days), Lindsay Lohan is supposedly scooting her freckled labia jerky all over the 18-year-old son of Liam Neeson and the late Natasha Richardson. In a semi-dark room somewhere, a light bulb flickers as Liam Neeson ties up his 18-year-old son and tells him that it’s either this or sell him off to the human traffickers he saved Maggie Grace from in Taken.
Page Six says that 27-year-old LiLo has taken a break tainting 19-year-old twink model Liam Dean and is now getting with Michael Neeson. Michael and LiLo partied together at a party last week and last Friday night, they were seen going into the ladies bathroom together at a club called Finale in Manhattan. Some source dribbled this out:
“Lindsay seems to have this thing for younger men at the moment. They were together at a house party of one of Lindsay’s stylist friends before Thanksgiving, and were together at Finale on Friday. Lindsay was seen leading him into the women’s bathroom, hand-in-hand. The odd thing was that Dean was with them all night, even though Lindsay had been seeing him, too.”
Liam’s rep denied it and LiLo’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) says that they’re just friends. Of course Liam’s rep denied it. The rep probably called Liam up, told him about the story and took Liam’s crying, bawling, screaming about where did he go wrong as a parent and wall punching as a denial.
When an 18-year-old dude goes into a club bathroom with Lindsay Lohan, one of three things is going down:
1. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat.
2. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat and then bone until the dude’s will to survive overrides the burning sensation on his dick tip.
3. They’re going to read to each other from The Poetry of Emily Dickinson while sipping from a flask full of lukewarm chamomile tea. Hey, bitch has shocked us before, she can shock us again.
It’s probably the first or second one, which is why parents really need to talk to their white teenage sons about the dangers of Lindsay Lohan. Doing one harmless line with LiLo in a club bathroom could lead to doing several lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to always doing lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to spending time at her house on the holidays, which could lead to White Oprah barfing on his face while giving him a drunken lap dance to “Santa Baby” on Christmas morning. That sounds terrifying enough to be the plot for Taken 3.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)
And there’s a look from a girl who’s trying to ignore the voice in her head that’s screaming, “RUUUUN, BITCH, RUUUUUUUN!”
At the Los Angeles premiere of The Best Man Holiday on November 5th, noted lady beater and human yeast infection Terrence Howard showed up with a girl who looks younger than some of hit nut hairs. Radar says that the girl’s name is Miranda and after dating him for about a month, she became his fourth wife. At first I didn’t really believe this, but she does have a face full of regrets like every Mrs. Howard does. Totally married! A source tells Radar that Terrence, being the chewed-on anus scab that he is, called up his ex-wife Michelle Ghent and bragged out bagging another wife.
“Terrence called up Michelle to tell her about the marriage and taunt her about it. She needs to cut him off for good.”
If you’re a 911 operator in the L.A. area, you better learn the name Miranda Howard, because I have a feeling she’s going to call every time Baby Wipes goes crazy, which will be every other minute. Where are this girl’s friends and family?! Friends and family don’t let you marry Terrence Howard! If I was her friend, I’d sneak into her bedroom, get into her dirty laundry and smear caca all over her panties. Then I’d anonymously call Terrence and tell him that his new wife is a sloppy shitter and barely uses toilet paper let alone baby wipes. It’s for her own good. Terry would immediately get the heaves, throw up his arms, scream like a little girl and run far, far away. A shitty, dirty ass is never a good thing unless you’re married to Terrence Howard, because it’s his Kryptonite.
(Pic via Getty)
Because the paparazzi stopped showing up when they texted their exact location for a photo-op, Evan Ross and Asshole Simpson had to go to The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere in L.A. to get their picture taken and while they were there reporters asked them about their relationship since what else is there to ask? Well, that’s not true. I’d ask Ashlee if she gets her chin so shiny by polishing it on the hairy bow tie patch on Evan’s chin. But omg! Insider asked Evan and Ashlee about how things are going between them and he said that he can’t wait to deep throat her chin on their wedding night.
“Yeah, she’s the one. It’s amazing. I’m so in love and we’ve got amazing things going on. And we inspire each other.”
Evan said that he foresees them getting married soon. And I can see foresee Papa Joe’s hand playing a little under-the-table grab-ass during Thanksgiving dinner this year.
But what I want to know is, how does Diana Ross feel about her son linking her to that family of messes?
If my son came to me and told me that he’s been sucking stranger dick under a freeway overpass for money to buy meth, I’d tell him that I was proud of him, because instead of stealing from me he’s working for that meth money. That’s being responsible. If my son came to me and told me that he read all the Fifty Shades of Grey books and actually liked them, I’d tell him I was disappointed, but we’ll get through this difficult time together. But if my son came to me and told me he wanted to marry Ashlee Simpson and I’d have to spend holidays with those crazies, I’d disown him, change my number, sell my house, change my face, change my social security number and never talk to him again. If you really want to hurt and get back at your parents, marry a Simpson.
Here’s more of Evan and Ashlee (looking like the fourth runner-up in 1994′s Miss Slovak Republic pageant) last night.
Anne Hathaway (seen above with her mute husband who always looks like a robber just pressed a gun to his back and told him to act natural) might be giving her brother Tom Hathaway the dramatic silent treatment (think Helen Keller as written by Chekhov) during Thanksgiving dinner this year, because he might’ve let it slip during his stand-up act that she’s got a future EGOT winner growing in her uterus.
Star Magazine says that during his stand-up act at Tandem in Brooklyn on October 30th, Tom Hathaway let Anne’s baby news jump off of his tongue and fall into the ears of the audience. Someone in the audience told Star:
“Tom opened his act by talking about Anne’s personal life. He said, ‘My sister got married last year, and now she is about to be a new mom!’ I don’t think he realized what he had done.”
So Tom just casually broke some HIGHLY IMPORTANT news during his casual stand-up act at a casual bar in casual Bushwick in casual Brooklyn. No drama. No theatrics. No songs. No interpretive dancing. No effective mood lighting designed by a Tony-winning lighting designer. None of that!
Anne Hathaway just summoned her in-home orchestra to the 200-seat THEA-TER in her apartment. Anne laid herself on a velvet settee and as her mute husband held a spotlight tight on her face, she closed her eyes and emotionally sang out a torch song about betrayal in German. How daaaaare Tom flippantly tell everyone her baby news like it’s not a big deal. Tom didn’t tell everyone something everyone knows (examples: Anne Hathaway is the thespian of all thespians, Anne Hathaway should’ve won the Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor and Director Oscars for Les Miserables, because her performance WAS that movie). Tom told everyone brand new news.
Anne had been planning her baby announcement for weeks and she still had weeks of planning to do. Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t even halfway done with the baby announcement song he’s writing for her and Valentino isn’t done making the 5 gowns she plans to wear while singing her baby announcement song.
Anne’s rep tells Gossip Cop that she’s not pregnant and Star got it wrong. Anne’s rep is obviously trying to save her baby announcement performance, but Tom already ruined it. Tom better learn the Fernand role from The Count of Monte Cristo, because he and Anne will settle this by reenacting scenes from that shit.
And here’s Anne and her husband at the Victory Fund Champagne Brunch Reception in Beverly Hills on October 20th.
Pippa Middleton, the basic version of Jan Brady to Duchess Kate’s basic version of Marcia Brady, is getting bombed with bird shit by animal rights activists after this picture of her and some friends proudly smiling in front of a bird massacre was posted to Instagram over the weekend. The Daily Mail (via Canada.com) says that this isn’t Pippa first time hunting. While climbing up the social ladder, Pippa sometimes stops and pulls out her rifle to shoot at a bird flying by. Many said that this picture is covered with layers upon layers of disrespect and shame, because all these bright shiny hunters are smiling over a bunch of dead pheasants and partridges. Brian May of QUEEN was not amused by any of this and spit on all their smiling faces.
I struggle to understand the smiles in this picture. The Daily Mail thinks it's rather jolly. This is Britain 2013 http://t.co/Rgm20XfgWu
— Dr. Brian May (@DrBrianMay) October 6, 2013
This outrage reminds me… I have a friend on Facebook who always posts pictures of his food, because you know, I really need to know what goes into his stomach bag and food always looks extra delicious when it’s photographed in dim lighting with an iPhone. One time he posted a picture of him smiling huge while holding a plate of steak up to his face. One of his friends freaked out over the picture and wrote something like, “Tacky! Would you take a picture of yourself smiling next to the carcass of a slaughtered cow?” Well, Facebook friend’s friend, Pippa Middleton would. Get her! Drag Her!
And well, at least Pippa isn’t showing off her ass in that picture. So there’s that.
Since Morrissey hates the royal family as much as he hates the killing of animals, I really need to hear him rant about this. But it might be a while before he releases a rage-filled rant, because it’ll take him a minute or two to find the head that blew off of his neck after he saw this picture.