KFed vs. The Beyhive is the battle I didn’t know I needed in my life.
Kevin Federline, the old cum stain on a pair Von Dutch panties that refuses to be scrubbed out, made people remember he exists over the weekend when he talked shit about Beyonce. KFed instantly became Beyhive enemy #1 right after the sports site Terez Owens tweeted this picture of the Queen of the Beyhive and Jay-Z at some fight in Las Vegas:
KFed saw that picture and made the stingers of the BumbleBeys shake with these three words:
@TerezOwens she looked botoxed
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
And then he said that Beyonce looks like she should be scaring people while riding around on a little red tricycle.
So sad when a beautiful woman chops and screws her face up w/Botox and surgery… #sawface
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
I’m sure the Beyhive is making plans to hit KFed where it really hurts (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to break into his closet and destroy his beloved collection of white socks and Adidas slide sandals.) But before they do that, they’ve been filling up his mentions on Twitter. Of course, they dragged Our Lady of Cheetos into it, which makes no sense since she’s an all-natural youthful Louisiana blossom.
This is so random that I love it, but the Beyhive really doesn’t know who they’re fucking with. KFed is so damn fertile that he can knock a bitch up through a DM. If the Beyhive keeps screwing with KFed, he will send them all a DM and as soon as they open it up, BOOM pregnant. And they’ll be cursing his name for the next 18 years every time they have to write him a child support check.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
I hope Leah Remini is working on her squats, because if she ever sees Tom Cruise out in public, she’s going to need to squat down and press her hand against his little forehead as he tries to swing at her while screeching about how he’s going to ruin her.
A couple of years ago, Leah Remini woke up and smelled the barley-infused alien bullshit when she quit the Cult of Crazy after she got talked to and was punished for wondering “Where in the world is Shelly Miscavige?” Ever since then, Leah has openly talked about those crazy and controlling alien-humping messes, and to promote her new tell-all, Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology, she spills more during an interview on 20/20 this Friday night. ABC released a 30-second preview that doesn’t really show that much. Leah basically says that Scientology brainwashes you and turns you against non-Scientologists and she also tells us something we already knew: If you talk shit about Scientology’s reigning queen Tommy Girl, you will find yourself scrubbing the floors of the bath house glory hole named after him at Gold Base in Riverside County. Everyone knows that the first rule of Scientology is to not trash its poster child, but ABC teases that Leah may say more about him.
Leah: Being critical of Tom Cruise is being critical of Scientology itself. You are evil.
Dan Harris: If you knew that Tom Cruise was watching this, what would you say to him?
Leah probably isn’t going to say anything that scandalous, but I really, really hope she takes that question and uses it to finally destroy Scientology from the inside. Leah could easily turn Scientology’s biggest sweethearts against each other by saying, “Tom, I just want to let you know that John Travolta made fun of your heels and told everyone you’ve got plugs.” Scientology would come crumbling down and the only thing left would be a tattered wig and broken lifts.
Up until a little over a week ago, Khloe Kartrashian, seen above in the old days looking like a factory-defected Chyna Real Doll, had herself a new basketball-playing millionaire piece and had moved on from her estranged husband Lamar Odom. But then Lamar nearly overdosed to death in a Nevada brothel and Khloe dropped everything to be by his side, and thanks to the power of her love, he came out of a coma and is slowly recovering. It’s the greatest love story of our time…and it’s going to go on.
Both Khoe and Lamar signed their divorce papers in July, but the court in L.A. never finalized it because they’re backed up. Their divorce was set to be finalized in a couple of months. But TMZ says that’s not going to happen, because Khloe’s lawyer Laura Wasser went to court this morning to ask a judge to withdraw the divorce papers that they both signed. The judge approved the request and now Khloe and Lamar’s divorce is off.
Khloe already dumped her latest piece James Harden and TMZ also says that a few days ago, she and Lamar agreed to give their marriage another chance. They both signed the papers to cancel their divorce. Lamar signed the papers from his hospital bed. And right after he did that, I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke and quickly pricked Lamar’s finger for blood before telling him that he may as well sign a few more things since he’s well enough to sign. You know, nothing big. She just made him sign away all his future earnings and the right to use him without pay in all their reality shows and in ads for the new fragrance Unbreakable II.
As soon as Lamar said “yes” to Khloe asking him if he wants to get back together and join the Kartrashian family again, his doctor probably scribbled onto his chart, “Check brain activity again STAT!”
And here’s Kim Kartrashian wearing a funeral muumuu while leaving a Vogue party with Kanye West.
I may swear off the bong (never) if Tim Gunn keeps at it, because his shady tidbits about his arch rival Anna Wintour hug my soul and take me to happy places. If Tim Gunn dropped daily nuggets about the hilariously bitchy ways of Anna Wintour, the makers of every anti-depressant would go out of business. This is our Prozac. This is better than a damn puppy video.
Several tabloid sources said that Ben Affleck’s ex-nanny/piece Christine Ouzounian hasn’t spilled it in a tell-all interview yet, because she thinks she still has a chance with him and doesn’t want to piss him off. But a source tells Radar that Ben Affleck is done with her ass and he’s so done with her that he changed his number so she can’t get a hold of him. Ben Affleck isn’t new, so you’d think he’d know that the quickest way to light the fuse of a crazy, stalking ex-piece is to change your number. That will set a bitch off.
The source says that when Ben got back to L.A. after spending time in Atlanta with Jennifer Garner and his kids, he let The Nanny know that she is no Fran Fine and he doesn’t want a relationship with her. When The Nanny kept calling, he killed his number and got a new one.
“Christine had been calling Ben’s cell phone a lot after he came back to Los Angeles. But Ben made it obvious to Christine that he had no interest in a relationship. She wasn’t taking the hint, so after the calls continued, Ben changed his cell phone number to get Christine off his back.”
Not that I know from experience (cut to every one of my exes throwing me a “bitch, really” face), but when an insane ex piece is in the middle of blowing up your phone and you cut them off by canceling your number, they will transform into an Alex Forrest-like nightmare. They will wait outside of your house, they will cause a sloppy scene at your job, they will call your mom to trash you and they will look for you in every nook, cranny and casino cocktail waitresses’ snatch. They will not be ignored. What am I saying? The Nanny doesn’t have to go to those lengths to find Ben. All she has to do is ask her new friends, the paparazzi, where he’s at since I’m sure Jennifer Garner emails them his itinerary every morning.
The next time you log on Facebook, expect to see a petition to American movie theaters asking them to ban every single movie starring that American-hating piece of trash Robert Pattinson!
The British pit licker did an interview with Elle France (via MSN) to push his new movie Life and they asked him what is the worst thing anybody has ever said about him. Well, America is totally going to declare war on our EX-ally Britain thanks to the shit that came out of Robert Pattinson’s mouth. RPattz has played an American many times in movies, but he says that he hates it when someone mistakes him for one. You can tell that this US-hating trick hates America, because he doesn’t even speak American when he’s here! He still speaks in that funny accent! Anyway, this is what he said:
“It’s going to make you laugh, but as a Brit, to hear someone say I’m American is the worst insult! I am English! Let it be known once and for all!”
RPattz lives in L.A. half of the time, but he’s happiest in the UK and Europe and I’m guessing it’s because there’s less Americans over there, which is wonderful since he hates us more than he hates soap!!!!!!!!!!11!!!1!!1^*!!
“I live between Los Angeles and London. But being in London is a pure delight. They leave me alone. It’s the same everywhere in Europe. The other day I was strolling around Paris, and nobody bothered me!”
Go ahead and add Robert Pattinson’s name to the list of “Whores Who Should Be Banned From America” right under Ariana Grande Latte. But seriously, I would think that RPattz’s answer to the question, “What is the worst insult someone can call you?“, would be, “The star of 5 Twilight movies.” Because that’s the insult of all insults.
A group of extremely brave souls are rising up against the dark lemurs of fashion, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, because they claim that they were basically treated like slave laborers while interning for the fashion label The Row. When those dark-sided Olsens get through with those traitors, they’re really going to know the meaning of “slave labor,” because they’ll be banished to Hell where they’ll have to spend every minute of the day making CROCs for Lucifer.
Approximately 45 seconds ago (specifically, about a month ago), the deep fried pork loaf named Sean Penn was trying to make Minka Kelly his rebound piece and he wooed her with an extravagant ass dinner in Napa. But even Minka Kelly wasn’t that desperate for attention and she got away. I’m surprised Sean didn’t tie her to a chair like the old days. Well, Sean brushed off the dust of rejection, polished his face with leather wipes and went hunting for a new piece. UsWeekly says that Sean went out on a date with actress Emmanuelle Vaugier of Lost Girl and CSI:NY. Sean Penn’s “See, Charlize Theron, I’m TOTALLY Over You And Totally Moving On” tour through chocha continues!
UsWeekly says that on Tuesday night, Sean and Emmanuelle had a dinner date at Madeo in West Hollywood and some “witness” gave them all the details. That witness’ dinner date must have been pissed, because it sounds like the witness spent the entire night with their eyes glued to Sean’s barbecued face and Emmanuelle.
For the night out, Penn opted for jeans and a gray leather jacket, while Vaugier dressed in a first date-appropriate black halter dress. The eyewitness tells Us that the stars “seemed to have good chemistry” and their conversation flowed throughout dinner.
Once they were done with their cozy meal, Penn and Vaugier walked out to the back patio of the restaurant, where they were able to enjoy a more private conversation. Penn seemed relaxed and smoked a cigarette, while Vaugier nursed a vodka martini. The insider adds that that the One Tree Hill actress was smiling and laughing throughout their conversation, and the Milk actor held eye contact and did a lot of the talking.
Emmanuelle is probably wondering why her local MRI Center called her today to schedule an appointment. Oh, they’re just checking to make sure there’s nothing wrong with her brain that’s causing her to go out on a date with Sean Penn. And I know this is the part where we all scream, “RUUUUN, BITCH, RUUUUUN,” but Emmanuelle is Canadian. So let’s just say, “Run, eh, please?”
And here’s Emmanuelle at the premiere of the Descendants a couple of weeks ago.
Back in April, Lil Wayne (seen above at a party a few years ago with Birdman, which is…awkward) was leaving a show in Atlanta when two white cars pulled up and opened fire on each of his two tour buses. Nobody was hurt during the shootout, but the police were still contacted. About a month later, police arrested a guy named Jimmy Winfrey for going all Bonnie and Clyde on Wayne’s buses. As it turns out, Jimmy used to be the road manager for rapper Young Thug. Fun Fact: Young Thug and Lil Wayne hate each other.
“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.
Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)
But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.
Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:
That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”
Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.
Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.