“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.
Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)
But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.
Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:
That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”
Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.
Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.
We all said, “Marina, you in danger, girl” to performance artiste Marina Abramović yesterday when she told Spike Art Magazine that Jay Z did her dirty and fucked her over. Jay Z came to her in 2013 about adapting her work The Artist Is Present for his music video Picasso Baby. Marina agreed to do it as long as he made a donation to her art institute. Marina told Spike Art that she kept her end of the deal, but Jay Z did not keep his. He didn’t donate shit. Marina said she felt the same way I feel after a one night stand: used and thrown away. Now, while I like that feeling, Marina does not. Well, as it turns out, Jay Z did give her a bag of gold coins.
In related news, Marina Abramović has announced that for her next piece, titled The Artist Is Presently Kissing Ass, she will kiss Jay Z’s bare ass continuously for 17 hours straight so he doesn’t send the Illuminati after her.
The walls of Tumblr are barely standing and are covered in cracks from Benjidog Cummerbund getting married and hatching eggs into that Sophie Hunter trick and this news is probably going to make them completely crumble into a million pieces. My thoughts and prayers are with the N and O keys on the keyboard of every Hiddlestoner’s computer, because they’re probably using the shit out of those kyes while typing NOOOONONONONONONONONONO over and over again.
UsWeekly says that the beloved prince of Tumblr Tom Hiddleston is casually wet humping on the third Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. Tom and Elizabeth didn’t work together on the Avengers. (He shot a scene, but it got cut.) Some source says that they got really close while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light together. Elizabeth Olsen just broke up with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook in January, so she and Loki are just fuck buddies for now.
“They have been hooking up,” the insider tells Us of the longtime friends.
“It’s casual,” the insider says, adding that the two won’t be rushing into titles anytime soon, but they do make sure to “text when they’re apart.” And the timing for Hiddleston, 34, couldn’t be more perfect, considering Olsen, 26, called off her engagement to Boyd Holbrook this past January.
“She wants to make a new life for herself,” the source says. “She’s having fun.”
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have probably already pulled out the cauldron and are now chewing off frog legs, yanking out the nails of a black chicken and preparing the blood of a first born newborn, because they know they’re going to need to conjure up a serious dark magic spell to protect their sister from Loki’s fans. His fans will rage knowing that when Elizabeth Olsen looks down after he nibbles on her chocha, she gets to see that smiling face staring back at her. (And depending how sweaty he is, she might be able to get to see her reflection in his glorious forehead.) Or maybe his fans aren’t raging, because they’re holding it all in as they rock back and forth while they tell themselves, “Oh, it’s just PR, it’s just PR, it’s just PR.” I feel them. I do that every time Prince Hot Ginge hooks up with another dishwater blonde.
Earlier this week, both People and UsWeekly were excitedly shouting that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes were secretly dating each other after a blurry picture popped up of the two of them holding hands. At the time, Gossip Cop called shenanigans on the whole thing, and now Jamie Foxx would like to make it very clear that he’s not humping on the former Princess of Scientology. When asked yesterday by a pap yesterday how things are with Katie, Jamie answered:
“Oh come on, you guys have been trying to get that to stick for three years. She’s just friends. As a matter of fact, Anthony Zuiker, creator of CSI, he offered us an animation project. We’re working on that. That’s all. But they’ve been trying to do that for, you know, three years.“
If I was Detective Jessica Fletcher (I WISH), I’d say that there are one of two ways to explain Jamie’s answer:
1. He’s not banging Katie Holmes
2. He is banging Katie Holmes, but he’s denying it because he doesn’t want that jealous bitch Tom Cruise to send Scientology’s version of SEAL Team Six after him
Personally, I’m inclined to believe that they’re not fucking. Firstly, because hooking up with the Runaway Bride of Xenu is the definition of a “You in danger, girl” moment. Secondly, we all know Suri Cruise is the one calling the shots, and there’s no way she’d sanction such buffoonery as allowing her mother to date a measly millionaire. “Mother, please – if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 1000 times; we’re trying to stick to 1st tier members of established royal families or trillionaires.”
Here’s Jamie during his impromptu press conference with the paps yesterday:
And a year from now, Nona Gaye will work the hell out of that pink coat while sashaying out of Chanel with armfuls of bags and she’ll stop for a minute to drop a quarter into a Styrofoam cup held up by a homeless Pharrell Williams who went broke from losing copyright lawsuit after copyright lawsuit.
Marvin Gaye’s family will soon be $7.3 million richer after a jury in L.A. ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke basically took “Got To Give It Up,” dipped it in dirty toilet water, changed the lyrics and renamed it “Blurred Lines.” Robin Thicke’s lawyer Howard E. King told reporters that they plan to appeal and do everything they can to make sure that the verdict doesn’t stand. Because of this ruling and the Tom Petty/Sam Smith settlement, Howard said that shit is going to get dangerous and if this is the way the law is going to go, anybody who creates anything better watch their asses.
Howard said that yes, Pharrell has admitted that Marvin Gaye is one of his idols and inspirations, but “Blurred Lines” and “Got To Give It Up” are two completely different songs. Marvin Gaye’s family, of course, doesn’t agree and they might not be done with Pharrell. Nona Gaye told CBS News that there’s a chance her family will go after Pharrell’s #1 song “Happy” next. Nona and Marvin Gaye’s ex-wife Janis believe that “Happy” and “Ain’t That Peculiar” sound like twins. FYI: “Ain’t That Peculiar” wasn’t even written by Marvin Gaye.
“I’m not going to lie. I do think they sound alike,” Nona Gaye, Marvin’s 40-year-old daughter, said. However, she added that she wasn’t thinking about the legal implications right now. “We’re not in that space.”
“We’re just in the moment today and we’re satisfied,” Janis added.
FYI: “Ain’t That Peculiar” wasn’t even written by Marvin Gaye.
The Gaye family are out for the smooth rat’s blood and are going to suck him dry. They won’t be satisfied until they got Pharrell singing, “Because I’m brokeeeeee.” Pharrell is going to liquidate all his assets, clear out his accounts and hide all his money in a place no one will dare or want to go (example: like under a pile of Robin Thicke’s last album “Paula.”) Then he’s going to escape to a far away island where he’ll sell denim capris to tourists on the beach.
You probably already know what “Happy” sounds like since it’s been stuck in your brain for over a year, so I’m not going to post it here. But below is Marvin Gaye’s “Ain’t That Peculiar” for you to compare. Click here to hear the mash-up of the two songs.
In case you haven’t been keeping up on this feud between Mo’Nique and the director of Precious Lee Daniels, let me try to give you the Cliffs Notes version. Mo’Nique told The Hollywood Reporter that not too long ago, she was told by Lee Daniels that she’s been blackballed by Hollywood for not playing the game (aka not sucking enough ass). Mo’Nique said that she was supposed to be in Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was hers, but Lee snatched that shit away from her. Lee responded to Mo’Nique’s blackballed claim by basically confirming that she’s been blackballed by him. Mo’Nique kept the fight going by saying that she thinks Lee Daniel’s b-hole got twisted when she didn’t thank him by name during her Oscar speech. She also said that he offered her the role of Cookie in Empire (insert CookieIsNotAmused.GIF here). Empire’s co-creator Danny Strong said on Twitter that the role of Cookie was always meant for Taraji P. Henson. Mo’Nique clapped back once again by claiming she has e-mails proving she was offered that role. This shit is more melodramatic than that scene in Precious where Mo’Nique ruins a perfectly good TV by dropping it on Gabourey Sidibe in that stairwell.
Lee Daniels has stayed quiet since farting up that response to Mo’Nique, but she’s not done. Mo’Nique took her “I WILL NOT BE BLACKBALLED” tour to TMZ yesterday. Mo’Nique told Harvey Levin that she didn’t get the role of Cookie because FOX was told that she’s as difficult as an incontinent shark (I don’t know what that means either). Mo’Nique is not afraid of Lee Daniels even though he is a power player in Hollywood.
Stop the madness, Mo’Nique!
Part of me thinks that is a STUNT QUEEN stunt and if that’s not the case, then she needs to hit the brakes on this shit. At this point, it seems like only Lee Daniels’ dramatic ass has “blackballed” her, but if she keeps going, the only job offer she’ll get is to join the cast of Bowling with the Stars in Greenland. If she put as much blood, sweat, tears and drama into her Oscar campaign as she is into this campaign against Lee Daniels, she might not have bitches mad at her. And I’m sure Lee Daniels is going to turn this whole saga into a show called Blackballed and he’ll offer Mo’Nique the role of Mo’Nique before snatching it away and giving it to Oprah.
And just like that, every one of Giorgio Armani’s employees quit on the spot and are standing in the back of the line at the unemployment office, because they’re not going to be there when Madonna shows up in a cloud of black smoke to destroy what he loves most for shading her. Giorgio Armani is 80, so I’m assuming she’s going to destroy his stash of Wertherio’s Originales (“Wertherio’s Originales” are the Italian version of Werther’s Originals.)
After Madge did an interpretative dance portrayal of MDNA’s second week sales at the Brit Awards last week, she explained in an Instagram post that her Giorgio Armani cape was tied too tight and she couldn’t get it off in time. I’m sure she wrote that Instagram post while sitting on the beautiful chair she made with the bones of the dancer who snatched her to the floor and made her get whiplash. I didn’t take Madge’s comment as a slap to Giorgio Armani, but I guess he did. After his show in Milan, Giorgio Armani told the Associated Press that he wanted to put a hook on the cape, but Madge insisted on ties and you know what a diva bitch she can be.
Giorgio Armani says the bull fighter’s cape that brought down Madonna during a live performance at Brit Awards was meant to be closed with an easy-to-undo hook. She wanted it tied instead.
“Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,” Armani said with a smile and a shrug backstage after his Emporio Armani show. “That’s all there was to it.”
I love it when fancy Italian pepaw fashion designers bring the bitchiness. Giorgio Armani’s subtle bitchy words are like a defibrillator on my soul. I’m sure Madge won’t be bothered by his words at all and will gladly wear him again. I’m sure that during her next performance of Living For Love, she’ll wear another giant Giorgio Armani cape custom made out of HIS SKIN.
And here’s Madge giving you brothel madam outside of a TV station in Milan last night.
Giuliana Rancic Got A Whole Lot Of Shit Thrown At Her For Saying That Zendaya’s Hair Must Smell Like Patchouli And Weed
Twitter pulled out a jumbo can of RAID last night and sprayed it at Giuliana Rancid when she joked on Fashion Police’s Oscar episode about how Disney star Zendaya must smell like patchouli oil and weed because she’s got dreadlocks. The fighting bell rang as soon as those words came out of Giuliana’s mouth and Twitter put on their boots to stomp on her.
During last night’s episode, they brought Zendaya’s picture on the screen and after Kelly Osbourne (who wants you to know that she’s Zenday’s friend, okay) said some words about her friend’s dress, Giuliana talked about her hair. Note: The back-and-forth ahead may make you miss Joan Rivers:
Kelly: It’s slightly bridal when she could be the one who made the biggest statement on the carpet if it was played right, because she’s done it time and time again. This girl is about to make it big time.
Ghouliana: I love Zendaya’s style and I love when she has the little hair. She has such a tiny frame that this hair to me overwhelms her. I feel like she smells like patchouli oil, or weed.
Kathy: Yeah, maybe weed. It’s legal in so many states now.
Ghouliana: Yeah, it’s so legal.
I’d rather smell like patchouli and weed (come to think of it, I probably do smell like patchouli and weed, along with pork rinds and strawberry shampoo) than dirty Kardashian asshole, wet leaves, spray paint and teeth bleach, which is probably the scent that hits your nostrils when Giuliana walks by you. When Kylie Jenner got dreadlocks, Giuliana apparently called them “edgy,” so some slapped the racist label on her for saying that Zendaya looks like a dirty hippie. Zendaya, who has been on Fashion Police before, wrote a response to Giuliana on Instagram:
Giuliana took a minute to pry her lips off of a Kardashian’s ass to respond to Zendaya with this hilarious apology:
BOHEMIAN CHIC?! The hell is she talking about? I didn’t know that Giuliana has an ass, but I guess she does, because that’s where she pulled that apology from.
Just when you thought the messy middle-school slap fight between student council president Taylor Swift and the kid who thinks he’s a DJ because Mr. Montgomery lets him press play on the stereo at school dances Diplo was over, it appears we’re going to need to call over the recess monitor, because DJ Diplo is starting shit again.
During a recent interview with GQ, Diplo was asked about that time Richmond Avenal’s little sister Lorde dragged him on Twitter for having a tiny dick after he dragged Taylor Swift for having no ass. Since Diplo is a gossip-hissing 13-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown-ass man, he responded in the way that felt most natural of him: by continuing to hiss at Taylor, as well as her fans. Cue up your “oh here go hell come” gifs now.
Right before the meaning of true love’s heart completely crushed from the weight of the Jeremy Renner divorce news, it barfed up most of its insides from hearing that Charlize Theron may really be engaged to burnt pizza bubble Sean Penn.
I can’t believe that Charlize’s bad decision (aka fucking Sean Penn repeatedly) has been going on for a year. Time really does fly when you’re wet heaving up chunks of half-digested food while picture Sean Penn snort coke off of Charlize’s coochie lips. Rumors about Charlize getting engaged to Sean Penn shat up all over the internet in July, but she quickly denied that mess. But UsWeekly (via Refiner29) says that the Mowry-hating Wicked Witch of Soul Cycle really is engaged to a piece of angry salmon jerky.
During a vacation to Paris last month, Sean asked Charlize to take the relationship to the “next level.” Now, if a boyfriend asks me if I want to take it to the “next level,” I’d guess that either he wants my HBO GO password or he wants to do ass-to-mouth. But Sean wants to make Charlize his third wife. The source said that Charlize said yes even though he didn’t give her a ring. A different source tells E! News that they’re not engaged yet, but they’re talking about weddings a lot.
I think I’ve burned at least 80,000 calories from wrinkling my face while judging Charlize for proudly humping on that burnt piece of steak fat left on the grill, so I thank her for that, I guess. I’m past the point of judging her (HA! I actually typed that with a serious face), so I’ll just say that Sean Penn must cum pure coke and I hope that she lives in a furniture-less yurt free of chairs.