If I were Chris Brown and just found out I was in trouble with Suge Knight, I’d be making the same “You in danger, self” look too. Because if there’s ever been a person you don’t want to piss off, it’s Suge Knight.
Page Six says that Suge Knight has filed a lawsuit against Chris Brown and nightclub 1OAK regarding Brown’s disastrous pre-MTV VMAs party at 1OAK back in 2014. The messiness started when someone tried to take out Chris Brown and ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead. Three others were shot and one ended up in critical condition. Two years later, and Suge is allegedly still feeling the aftermath of that shooting. According to the lawsuit, Suge claims to have ongoing complications, including a blood clot, from being shot in his chest, arm, and abdomen at Chris’ party. Um, are we sure that blood clot is from a bullet that was shot during Chris Brown’s party and not one of the millions of other times Suge Knight has been shot?
If you’ve got a “Free Jinger” t-shirt, go ahead and cross out “Jinger” and scribble “Jana” on it.
Jinger Duggar was one of the Duggars that people hoped would escape the baby farm of cult craziness in the dead of night and run off to NYC where she’d change her name to Ginger, move in with a gay struggling actor and get a job as a nanny to a rich bitch, but that’s not going to happen. Jinger Duggar’s uterus has begun screaming the chorus to ABBA’s SOS, because if everything goes according to plan, she’ll soon be coochie belching up babies by the dozen.
The Duggars have a new TLC shit show called Counting On to whore out and so they have given People the news that 22-year-old Jinger Duggar and 28-year-old Jeremy Vuolo have begun courting. Their “courting” will be shown on the new season of their show. “Courting” is at the top of the list of words that make me heave along with “CROCS,” “Uggs,” “moist,” “shingles,” “taxes” and “Kardashian.”
Jeremy is a graduate of Syracuse University and he played professional soccer in the US and Europe before leaving the game to devote his life to spreading the word of the Lord like his pastor father. Jeremy is friends with Jinger’s sister and brother-in-law, Jessa and Ben Seewald, and he met his current side hugging partner during a missionary trip last May. You know Jim Bob Duggar busted a nut over the fact that Jeremy’s name starts with a “J.”
A Duggar isn’t officially courting until they’ve used the “news” to get attention, so Jinger and Jeremy made an awkward-as-hell announcement video. Their mouths says, “we’re happy,” but their eyes say, “heeeeelp me.”
Hmmm.. I have a question after watching that video. If Jinger’s face accidentally brushes up against Jeremy’s juicy tit when they side hug, does that count as half-motorboating, and if so, does half-motorboating go against the laws of courting?
Most of the Duggar husbands look like strung out polyps, so at least Jinger got stuck with a hot one. And yes, I’d hit that, sideways, of course.
“Oooh, if you need any help, give me a call. I love a good trademark lawsuit!” texted Taylor Swift to Beyonce.
According to the Daily Mail, a company named Feyoncé Inc has found themselves in some legal trouble with her holiness Beyonce. You see, just like Taylor Swift and many other artists who care deeply about dollars, Beyonce trademarked a bunch of stuff to protect her bank account from people not named Beyonce looking to make a buck off her name. One company in Texas clearly thought they found a loophole and started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” (pronounced like “fiancé“) on it in the same font Beyonce uses. Stuff like mugs, t-shirts, hoodies – basically anything a recently-engaged Beyhive member would buy to use as a prop in one of the 1,293 engagement pictures they’d upload to Facebook.
Yesterday and this morning, my inbox, my Twitter timeline and my RSS feed were all filled with titles saying that Katie Price would have aborted earth angel Harvey Price if she knew about his disabilities before she had him. The OUTRAGE muscle that started growing in my brain the first minute I logged onto the Internet began to throb and I was about to rage at that toe-fucking evil heartless demon.
But then I did this bizarre thing called “read beyond the headline.” I know, I don’t know why I did that. What’s wrong with me?
Fuller House came out on Netflix at midnight last night and I had planned to stay up to watch at least one episode, but a strange thing that happens almost every night happened: I passed out in a Nutella and chardonnay coma at around 10. Yes, Nutella and chardonnay. If I had a Chelsea Handler book on my chest and a fluffy white dog named Coco Rose passed out next to me, I’d officially be a middle-aged divorcee. I haven’t watched Fuller House yet, but I can always count on Twitter to give me the information I really need, like how the show deals with the Olsens wanting nothing to do with it.
Somebody make Paul Rodriguez a protective armor suit out of Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa and other anti-depressants, because John Travolta and Tom Cruise are gonna git him for talking trash about an ALLEGED down-low member of their gang of crazy.
The comedian and star of The Golden Girls (Note: He was only in one episode, but anybody who was part of that national treasure wants to forever be known as “star of The Golden Girls.”) was doing an interview on Rock 105.3’s The Show (via NYDN) in San Diego when he brought up working with Will Smith. Paul did 1993’s Made In America with Will Smith and said that went smooth. But when they worked on 2001’s Ali together, it was so bad that Paul declared that he’ll never work with Will Smith again. “More like you’re never going to work in this town again, trick,” said Will Smith right before he put Paul’s name on the official Hollywood blacklist under The Original Aunt Viv.
Cuba Gooding Jr. was on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote Shapiro Brows: The Mini-Series Event and that shifty Siamese Cat named Andy Cohen got him to talk about whether or not Scientology’s sexiest pin-up Tom Cruise has pulled, nipped, tweaked or pricked his face. As everyone knows, Cuba and Tommy did Jerry Maguire together and they’ve stayed friends. During a game of the Spill the Tea! last night, Andy asked Cuba to spill the tea on the secret to Tommy’s beauty.
“Chile, why is Aretha Franklin buying her lace front wigs from Ali Express,” asked every Black woman in America.
Now before we get into the hilarity, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Michael moonlighting as a Black woman today?” And the answer is no, my love. Instead he’s hired an actual Black woman. My name is Carla and like Michael and fellow owner of a vagina, Allison we’re cut from the same cloth—i.e., we pretty much binge eat every aspect of pop culture for you so you don’t have to. Unlike everyone here, I like my pop culture with a big messy factor and I’m so hoping you’re into some petty shiznit (that and outdated slang that reeks of an older millennial). I just live for the petty and it doesn’t get messier than covering the lives of our modern day soaps in the form of celebrity culture. I’m also heavily into BBC, using words such as “nookie” to refer to any vagina and making arbitrary references. I’m looking forward to underwhelming you with the power of my nookie, so let’s begin and get back to Aretha.
Pharrell’s hat twin Linda Perry became Little Monster enemy #1 last night when she accused Lady CaCa of using one of Beyonce’s signature tricks to get a writing credit on a song. Linda Perry is the one who exposed Beyonce’s writing credit trick and now she’s yanking at Gaga’s wig. Diane Warren and Gaga were nominated for a Best Song Oscar for the song Til It Happens To You from the documentary The Hunting Ground. Linda went “hmmm…” on Twitter last night over how Diane Warren’s demo of the song was pretty much identical to the version that Lady CaCa released. The hipster cholita scarecrow says that only one little line was re-worked in Til It Happens To You, and she thinks Diane let Gaga make that tiny change so that Gaga would get a writing credit and the song would get more promotion.
Somewhere in a maximum-security Mexican holding cell, El Chapo is totally ripping-up this picture of his former Hollywood BFF Sean Penn like an angry teen girl while sobbing “I KNEW I shouldn’t have trusted that shady charbroiled chorizo-looking rat man!”
So, I’m not exactly an expert on what happens after you inadvertently give away the hiding place of an escaped drug kingpin, but I’m guessing that it’s safe to say Sean Penn might want to lay low for a little while. According to the Associated Press, Sean’s recent-ish interview with Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone helped authorities track his ass down at his secret hideout and capture him. If you’re looking for a “You in danger, girl” GIF and can’t find one, it’s because they’re all being sent to Sean Penn right now.