A couple of weeks ago, Kris Jenner dusted off her signature move, polished up another one of her turds (sorry, kturds) and flung it at a high-profile musician hoping it would stick in the form of setting Kendall up with One Direction’s Harry Styles. UK tabloids report that Harry has already packed it up and hightailed it the fuck out of Jentrashian shitstorm and is now dating Gavin Rossdale’s spawn Daisy Lowe.
Kris is supposedly pissed that Daisy fucked up her Kim/Kanye 2.0 plan and stole Harry away. If Daisy is smart, she’ll become fast friends with Leah Remini to get some tips on how to handle the wrath of religious zealots knowing that the High Priestess of The Church of Latter Day Taints is going to come for her ass. Nobody fucks with Kris Jenner or her ilk without doing it on camera for publicity, especially since ratings for their show are down. The last thing Daisy will see before her coffin slides shut is Kris’s face, who will be so pissed her face will ALMOST move.
If it wasn’t against the fame whore way, I’d guess Kendall is in a basement somewhere trading stories with Solange Knowles about failing the family, but this is PMK we’re talking about. Kris probably just dragged Kendall to their lip injection doctor as punishment, then smacked her upside the head and threw her out of the car at The Grove and told her not to come home until she had at least two dozen pap shots in the bank.
Here are some pics of One Direction at the airport after flying in for an SNL appearance. I can’t figure out if the guy hanging all over Zayne is helping him walk because he’s drunk or high or if the guy is just angling for an unsolicited piggy back ride. Fangirls come in all shapes and sizes!
Seen here after murdering whatever was left of her career and dignity (or maybe it was one of those heavy, heavy flow days), Lindsay Lohan is supposedly scooting her freckled labia jerky all over the 18-year-old son of Liam Neeson and the late Natasha Richardson. In a semi-dark room somewhere, a light bulb flickers as Liam Neeson ties up his 18-year-old son and tells him that it’s either this or sell him off to the human traffickers he saved Maggie Grace from in Taken.
Page Six says that 27-year-old LiLo has taken a break tainting 19-year-old twink model Liam Dean and is now getting with Michael Neeson. Michael and LiLo partied together at a party last week and last Friday night, they were seen going into the ladies bathroom together at a club called Finale in Manhattan. Some source dribbled this out:
“Lindsay seems to have this thing for younger men at the moment. They were together at a house party of one of Lindsay’s stylist friends before Thanksgiving, and were together at Finale on Friday. Lindsay was seen leading him into the women’s bathroom, hand-in-hand. The odd thing was that Dean was with them all night, even though Lindsay had been seeing him, too.”
Liam’s rep denied it and LiLo’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) says that they’re just friends. Of course Liam’s rep denied it. The rep probably called Liam up, told him about the story and took Liam’s crying, bawling, screaming about where did he go wrong as a parent and wall punching as a denial.
When an 18-year-old dude goes into a club bathroom with Lindsay Lohan, one of three things is going down:
1. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat.
2. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat and then bone until the dude’s will to survive overrides the burning sensation on his dick tip.
3. They’re going to read to each other from The Poetry of Emily Dickinson while sipping from a flask full of lukewarm chamomile tea. Hey, bitch has shocked us before, she can shock us again.
It’s probably the first or second one, which is why parents really need to talk to their white teenage sons about the dangers of Lindsay Lohan. Doing one harmless line with LiLo in a club bathroom could lead to doing several lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to always doing lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to spending time at her house on the holidays, which could lead to White Oprah barfing on his face while giving him a drunken lap dance to “Santa Baby” on Christmas morning. That sounds terrifying enough to be the plot for Taken 3.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)
And there’s a look from a girl who’s trying to ignore the voice in her head that’s screaming, “RUUUUN, BITCH, RUUUUUUUN!”
At the Los Angeles premiere of The Best Man Holiday on November 5th, noted lady beater and human yeast infection Terrence Howard showed up with a girl who looks younger than some of hit nut hairs. Radar says that the girl’s name is Miranda and after dating him for about a month, she became his fourth wife. At first I didn’t really believe this, but she does have a face full of regrets like every Mrs. Howard does. Totally married! A source tells Radar that Terrence, being the chewed-on anus scab that he is, called up his ex-wife Michelle Ghent and bragged out bagging another wife.
“Terrence called up Michelle to tell her about the marriage and taunt her about it. She needs to cut him off for good.”
If you’re a 911 operator in the L.A. area, you better learn the name Miranda Howard, because I have a feeling she’s going to call every time Baby Wipes goes crazy, which will be every other minute. Where are this girl’s friends and family?! Friends and family don’t let you marry Terrence Howard! If I was her friend, I’d sneak into her bedroom, get into her dirty laundry and smear caca all over her panties. Then I’d anonymously call Terrence and tell him that his new wife is a sloppy shitter and barely uses toilet paper let alone baby wipes. It’s for her own good. Terry would immediately get the heaves, throw up his arms, scream like a little girl and run far, far away. A shitty, dirty ass is never a good thing unless you’re married to Terrence Howard, because it’s his Kryptonite.
(Pic via Getty)
Because the paparazzi stopped showing up when they texted their exact location for a photo-op, Evan Ross and Asshole Simpson had to go to The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere in L.A. to get their picture taken and while they were there reporters asked them about their relationship since what else is there to ask? Well, that’s not true. I’d ask Ashlee if she gets her chin so shiny by polishing it on the hairy bow tie patch on Evan’s chin. But omg! Insider asked Evan and Ashlee about how things are going between them and he said that he can’t wait to deep throat her chin on their wedding night.
“Yeah, she’s the one. It’s amazing. I’m so in love and we’ve got amazing things going on. And we inspire each other.”
Evan said that he foresees them getting married soon. And I can see foresee Papa Joe’s hand playing a little under-the-table grab-ass during Thanksgiving dinner this year.
But what I want to know is, how does Diana Ross feel about her son linking her to that family of messes?
If my son came to me and told me that he’s been sucking stranger dick under a freeway overpass for money to buy meth, I’d tell him that I was proud of him, because instead of stealing from me he’s working for that meth money. That’s being responsible. If my son came to me and told me that he read all the Fifty Shades of Grey books and actually liked them, I’d tell him I was disappointed, but we’ll get through this difficult time together. But if my son came to me and told me he wanted to marry Ashlee Simpson and I’d have to spend holidays with those crazies, I’d disown him, change my number, sell my house, change my face, change my social security number and never talk to him again. If you really want to hurt and get back at your parents, marry a Simpson.
Here’s more of Evan and Ashlee (looking like the fourth runner-up in 1994′s Miss Slovak Republic pageant) last night.
Anne Hathaway (seen above with her mute husband who always looks like a robber just pressed a gun to his back and told him to act natural) might be giving her brother Tom Hathaway the dramatic silent treatment (think Helen Keller as written by Chekhov) during Thanksgiving dinner this year, because he might’ve let it slip during his stand-up act that she’s got a future EGOT winner growing in her uterus.
Star Magazine says that during his stand-up act at Tandem in Brooklyn on October 30th, Tom Hathaway let Anne’s baby news jump off of his tongue and fall into the ears of the audience. Someone in the audience told Star:
“Tom opened his act by talking about Anne’s personal life. He said, ‘My sister got married last year, and now she is about to be a new mom!’ I don’t think he realized what he had done.”
So Tom just casually broke some HIGHLY IMPORTANT news during his casual stand-up act at a casual bar in casual Bushwick in casual Brooklyn. No drama. No theatrics. No songs. No interpretive dancing. No effective mood lighting designed by a Tony-winning lighting designer. None of that!
Anne Hathaway just summoned her in-home orchestra to the 200-seat THEA-TER in her apartment. Anne laid herself on a velvet settee and as her mute husband held a spotlight tight on her face, she closed her eyes and emotionally sang out a torch song about betrayal in German. How daaaaare Tom flippantly tell everyone her baby news like it’s not a big deal. Tom didn’t tell everyone something everyone knows (examples: Anne Hathaway is the thespian of all thespians, Anne Hathaway should’ve won the Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor and Director Oscars for Les Miserables, because her performance WAS that movie). Tom told everyone brand new news.
Anne had been planning her baby announcement for weeks and she still had weeks of planning to do. Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t even halfway done with the baby announcement song he’s writing for her and Valentino isn’t done making the 5 gowns she plans to wear while singing her baby announcement song.
Anne’s rep tells Gossip Cop that she’s not pregnant and Star got it wrong. Anne’s rep is obviously trying to save her baby announcement performance, but Tom already ruined it. Tom better learn the Fernand role from The Count of Monte Cristo, because he and Anne will settle this by reenacting scenes from that shit.
And here’s Anne and her husband at the Victory Fund Champagne Brunch Reception in Beverly Hills on October 20th.
Pippa Middleton, the basic version of Jan Brady to Duchess Kate’s basic version of Marcia Brady, is getting bombed with bird shit by animal rights activists after this picture of her and some friends proudly smiling in front of a bird massacre was posted to Instagram over the weekend. The Daily Mail (via Canada.com) says that this isn’t Pippa first time hunting. While climbing up the social ladder, Pippa sometimes stops and pulls out her rifle to shoot at a bird flying by. Many said that this picture is covered with layers upon layers of disrespect and shame, because all these bright shiny hunters are smiling over a bunch of dead pheasants and partridges. Brian May of QUEEN was not amused by any of this and spit on all their smiling faces.
I struggle to understand the smiles in this picture. The Daily Mail thinks it's rather jolly. This is Britain 2013 http://t.co/Rgm20XfgWu
— Dr. Brian May (@DrBrianMay) October 6, 2013
This outrage reminds me… I have a friend on Facebook who always posts pictures of his food, because you know, I really need to know what goes into his stomach bag and food always looks extra delicious when it’s photographed in dim lighting with an iPhone. One time he posted a picture of him smiling huge while holding a plate of steak up to his face. One of his friends freaked out over the picture and wrote something like, “Tacky! Would you take a picture of yourself smiling next to the carcass of a slaughtered cow?” Well, Facebook friend’s friend, Pippa Middleton would. Get her! Drag Her!
And well, at least Pippa isn’t showing off her ass in that picture. So there’s that.
Since Morrissey hates the royal family as much as he hates the killing of animals, I really need to hear him rant about this. But it might be a while before he releases a rage-filled rant, because it’ll take him a minute or two to find the head that blew off of his neck after he saw this picture.
The streets and sidewalk in front of The Carlyle Hotel in NYC were almost covered with ice and shards of hardened Botox, because a pap on a bike ran into and knocked over the Ice Queen of Australia Nicole Kidman. That OHFUCK look on that pap’s face tells me that Nicole’s eyeballs went red and she glared at him to let me know that he’s going to get his. It even looks like she’s taking off her shoes to whoop his trick ass. You in danger, pap.
TMZ says that after attending the Calvin Klein show, Nicole went back to her hotel and as she was walking inside, a paparazzo named Carl Wu tried to get pictures of her while riding his bike. Carl, who’s obviously a proud graduate of GOOP’s School of Driving, crashed into her, knocking her ass to the ground . Nicole called the cops because she wanted to press charges. The paramedics came but Nicole didn’t have any visible injuries. After the cops talked to Nicole’s people and the pap, they wrote him a ticket for riding on the sidewalk. The cops called the whole thing an accident, so they didn’t arrest him.
Carl Wu probably thinks it’s over, but it’s not. The Ice Queen is going to destroy him and everyone who knows him. She used to be a Scientologist (or maybe he’s an undercover Scientologist and trying to take her out, hmmmm), so she knows how to hunt bitches down. Carl better stand in the middle of a ring of fire (or stand near Tom Cruise since she won’t go near his crazy ass), because the Ice Queen is coming for him.
Well, it looks like Marie aka Snobby Saleswoman #2 from Pretty Woman learned a whole lot of Italian with Rosetta Stone and moved to Zurich to spread her signature bitchy snobbery there.
The most powerful woman IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, Oprah, says that while she was in Zurich for Tina Turner’s wedding, she decided to do just a little casual shopping and she strolled into a fancy store called Trois Pomme. The salesgirl at Trois Pomme obviously didn’t know that Oprah’s a woman whose pubes are worth more than that entire store, because she treated her like some common, regular peasant. Oprah brought up the story while talking to Entertainment Tonight’s Nancy O’Dell about racism.
When Nancy asked The Mighty O if anybody’s ever been racist to her, she said not blatantly, but that when she went to Trois Pomme and asked to see a $40,000 bag, the Snobby Saleswoman pulled some “it’s VERY expensive” shit on her and tried to sell her some cheaper bags instead. Oprah says that she wasn’t slathered in diamonds, but she wasn’t dressed like a regular Kristen Stewart either. Oprah kept trying to get the Snobby Saleswoman to show her that bag, but the Snobby Saleswoman kept turning her down and that bitch finally said, “I can’t, I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Knowing that she could probably buy that store and buy Snobby Saleswoman’s house and burn them all down to the ground while cackling into the night air, Oprah smiled and said, “You’re right, I probably can’t afford it,” before busting out of there.
Gayle King told Oprah that she should’ve went back and told that ho, “Big mistake. HUGE,” but she didn’t want to do that.
The store’s owner, Trudie Gotz, told the BBC that it was all just a misunderstanding. Snobby Saleswoman isn’t a racist and wasn’t treating Oprah like that because she’s black. Trudie said that Oprah just wanted to see the bag and not touch it. That makes zero sense, but it’s the story Trudie stuck to. The BBC asked Trudie if she was breaking the Eleventh Commandment by calling Oprah a liar, but she didn’t answer. Trudie says that Snobby Saleswoman mostly speaks Italian and her English isn’t so good. Trudie isn’t going to fire her.
The Swiss tourism office said that Snobby Saleswoman acted terribly wrong and that “we are very sorry for what happened to [Oprah].” The Swiss tourism office continued to apologize to Oprah by skinning that salesgirl alive and turning her into a bag for The Mighty O!
And this post is totally incomplete without this:
Marie is a total ice cold bitch and she’s the best part of Pretty Woman. I am so mad at Hollywood for not making a sequel to Pretty Women where Vivian marries Edward, buys that shop and becomes Marie’s new boss.
Yesterday, Leah Remini let Scientology know that she is never the one when she filed a missing person report on Shelly Miscavige (seen above with Leah). Shelly is the wife of Scientology’s head queen David Miscavige and she hasn’t been seen since 2005 or 2006 and many believe that she’s been locked up in some compound somewhere in California. The LAPD confirmed that Leah did file a police report and then today they said that the case is closed. Shelly Miscavige isn’t missing. DUN DUN DUN! This is the most sinister episode of 48 Hours Mystery ever and I’m going to need Erin Moriarty to narrate it for all of us. Detective Gus Villanueva issued this statement to E!:
“The LAPD has classified the report as unfounded, indicating that Shelly is not missing.”
Scientology queefed out their own statement and it’s best if you read it while listening to the Alien theme song:
“This is just harassment. It is a publicity stunt cooked up by a small band of unemployed fanatics who live on the fringe of the Internet. The Church and the attorney for Mrs. Miscavige have already responded to this ludicrous claim.”
“This is just harassment!” typed out Scientology’s spokeswhore right before he emailed Leah Remini for the 1,498,876 time of the day with, “I hate you! I thought we were BFFs! Your Thetans are fat just like you! Ugh! You’re ruining our lives!”
So I’m guessing that either Scientology got to the LAPD or the LAPD knocked on David Miscavige’s door and “Mrs. Shelly Miscavige” answered looking like this:
She’s gained a little weight and gotten a little hairier since the last time anyone saw her.
(Pic via Tony Ortega)
Spencer Clawson became the MVP of Gary Glitter’s heart two days ago when he joked about loving child porn on the Big Brother live feeds. Spencer and some of the other houseguests were hanging out in the bathroom and he decided to play a joke on McRae. While McRae was in the shower, Spencer grabbed his mic and pretended to be him. As Amanda and Andy uncomfortably laughed (and when Amanda uncomfortably laughs at something…), Spencer spit this mess into McRae’s mic:
“I like to beat off to child porn. Did I ever tell y’all about that? I love it. Beating off to child porn is my favorite thing there is. I love it when they’re around three or four years old. My favorite ones are when you can tell they’re in a basement in Minnesota.”
Why the hell did he have to bring Brenda Walsh’s home state of Minnesota into this?
TMZ says that Spencer is going to learn that when you make child porn jokes on a live feed, the cops are going to put a magnifying glass over you. Chief AJ Gary of the Conway Police Department in Arkansas says that they “quickly looked into the matter” and “haven’t found that any criminal act was committed.” Well, I quickly looked at that picture and found that a criminal act was committed, because wearing green shorts with a yellow striped shirt and brown flip flops is wrong.
Spencer’s employer, Union Pacific, has already gotten a lot of emails and calls about shit he’s said in the past and they got even more emails and calls after his child porn jokes. They said on their website that they were the ones (among many, I’m sure) who called the cops:
Due to the volume of feedback Union Pacific has received from the public about Spencer Clawson’s August 5 comments on the CBS reality show Big Brother 15, the company wants to reiterate that it has taken all the action it can under the Collective Bargaining Agreement until Mr. Clawson is released from the show. Mr. Clawson took an unpaid leave of absence to participate on Big Brother 15. Union Pacific has notified law enforcement of Mr. Clawson’s August 5 comments.
Spencer was already going to get a ton of hate once he left the BB house and now he’s really going to get a ton of hate, because he ruined Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for everyone.