Category: You In Danger Girl

Jamie Foxx Wants You To Know He’s Not Humping On Katie Holmes

March 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, both People and UsWeekly were excitedly shouting that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes were secretly dating each other after a blurry picture popped up of the two of them holding hands. At the time, Gossip Cop called shenanigans on the whole thing, and now Jamie Foxx would like to make it very clear that he’s not humping on the former Princess of Scientology. When asked yesterday by a pap yesterday how things are with Katie, Jamie answered:

Oh come on, you guys have been trying to get that to stick for three years. She’s just friends. As a matter of fact, Anthony Zuiker, creator of CSI, he offered us an animation project. We’re working on that. That’s all. But they’ve been trying to do that for, you know, three years.

If I was Detective Jessica Fletcher (I WISH), I’d say that there are one of two ways to explain Jamie’s answer:

1. He’s not banging Katie Holmes

2. He is banging Katie Holmes, but he’s denying it because he doesn’t want that jealous bitch Tom Cruise to send Scientology’s version of SEAL Team Six after him

Personally, I’m inclined to believe that they’re not fucking. Firstly, because hooking up with the Runaway Bride of Xenu is the definition of a “You in danger, girl” moment. Secondly, we all know Suri Cruise is the one calling the shots, and there’s no way she’d sanction such buffoonery as allowing her mother to date a measly millionaire. “Mother, please – if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 1000 times; we’re trying to stick to 1st tier members of established royal families or trillionaires.

Here’s Jamie during his impromptu press conference with the paps yesterday:

Pics: Splash

Marvin Gaye’s Family Isn’t Done With Pharrell Williams

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

And a year from now, Nona Gaye will work the hell out of that pink coat while sashaying out of Chanel with armfuls of bags and she’ll stop for a minute to drop a quarter into a Styrofoam cup held up by a homeless Pharrell Williams who went broke from losing copyright lawsuit after copyright lawsuit.

Marvin Gaye’s family will soon be $7.3 million richer after a jury in L.A. ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke basically took “Got To Give It Up,” dipped it in dirty toilet water, changed the lyrics and renamed it “Blurred Lines.” Robin Thicke’s lawyer Howard E. King told reporters that they plan to appeal and do everything they can to make sure that the verdict doesn’t stand. Because of this ruling and the Tom Petty/Sam Smith settlement, Howard said that shit is going to get dangerous and if this is the way the law is going to go, anybody who creates anything better watch their asses.

Howard said that yes, Pharrell has admitted that Marvin Gaye is one of his idols and inspirations, but “Blurred Lines” and “Got To Give It Up” are two completely different songs. Marvin Gaye’s family, of course, doesn’t agree and they might not be done with Pharrell. Nona Gaye told CBS News that there’s a chance her family will go after Pharrell’s #1 song “Happy” next. Nona and Marvin Gaye’s ex-wife Janis believe that “Happy” and “Ain’t That Peculiar” sound like twins. FYI: “Ain’t That Peculiar” wasn’t even written by Marvin Gaye.

“I’m not going to lie. I do think they sound alike,” Nona Gaye, Marvin’s 40-year-old daughter, said. However, she added that she wasn’t thinking about the legal implications right now. “We’re not in that space.”

“We’re just in the moment today and we’re satisfied,” Janis added.

FYI: “Ain’t That Peculiarwasn’t even written by Marvin Gaye.

The Gaye family are out for the smooth rat’s blood and are going to suck him dry. They won’t be satisfied until they got Pharrell singing, “Because I’m brokeeeeee.” Pharrell is going to liquidate all his assets, clear out his accounts and hide all his money in a place no one will dare or want to go (example: like under a pile of Robin Thicke’s last album “Paula.”) Then he’s going to escape to a far away island where he’ll sell denim capris to tourists on the beach.

You probably already know what “Happy” sounds like since it’s been stuck in your brain for over a year, so I’m not going to post it here. But below is Marvin Gaye’s “Ain’t That Peculiar” for you to compare. Click here to hear the mash-up of the two songs.

 

Mo’Nique Isn’t Done Talking About Getting Blackballed By Lee Daniels

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t been keeping up on this feud between Mo’Nique and the director of Precious Lee Daniels, let me try to give you the Cliffs Notes version. Mo’Nique told The Hollywood Reporter that not too long ago, she was told by Lee Daniels that she’s been blackballed by Hollywood for not playing the game (aka not sucking enough ass). Mo’Nique said that she was supposed to be in Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was hers, but Lee snatched that shit away from her. Lee responded to Mo’Nique’s blackballed claim by basically confirming that she’s been blackballed by him. Mo’Nique kept the fight going by saying that she thinks Lee Daniel’s b-hole got twisted when she didn’t thank him by name during her Oscar speech. She also said that he offered her the role of Cookie in Empire (insert CookieIsNotAmused.GIF here). Empire’s co-creator Danny Strong said on Twitter that the role of Cookie was always meant for Taraji P. Henson. Mo’Nique clapped back once again by claiming she has e-mails proving she was offered that role. This shit is more melodramatic than that scene in Precious where Mo’Nique ruins a perfectly good TV by dropping it on Gabourey Sidibe in that stairwell.

Lee Daniels has stayed quiet since farting up that response to Mo’Nique, but she’s not done. Mo’Nique took her “I WILL NOT BE BLACKBALLED” tour to TMZ  yesterday. Mo’Nique told Harvey Levin that she didn’t get the role of Cookie because FOX was told that she’s as difficult as an incontinent shark (I don’t know what that means either). Mo’Nique is not afraid of Lee Daniels even though he is a power player in Hollywood.

Stop the madness, Mo’Nique!

Part of me thinks that is a STUNT QUEEN stunt and if that’s not the case, then she needs to hit the brakes on this shit. At this point, it seems like only Lee Daniels’ dramatic ass has “blackballed” her, but if she keeps going, the only job offer she’ll get is to join the cast of Bowling with the Stars in Greenland. If she put as much blood, sweat, tears and drama into her Oscar campaign as she is into this campaign against Lee Daniels, she might not have bitches mad at her. And I’m sure Lee Daniels is going to turn this whole saga into a show called Blackballed and he’ll offer Mo’Nique the role of Mo’Nique before snatching it away and giving it to Oprah.

Giorgio Armani Blames “That Fall” On Madonna’s Difficult Ways

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And just like that, every one of Giorgio Armani’s employees quit on the spot and are standing in the back of the line at the unemployment office, because they’re not going to be there when Madonna shows up in a cloud of black smoke to destroy what he loves most for shading her. Giorgio Armani is 80, so I’m assuming she’s going to destroy his stash of Wertherio’s Originales (“Wertherio’s Originales” are the Italian version of Werther’s Originals.)

After Madge did an interpretative dance portrayal of MDNA’s second week sales at the Brit Awards last week, she explained in an Instagram post that her Giorgio Armani cape was tied too tight and she couldn’t get it off in time. I’m sure she wrote that Instagram post while sitting on the beautiful chair she made with the bones of the dancer who snatched her to the floor and made her get whiplash. I didn’t take Madge’s comment as a slap to Giorgio Armani, but I guess he did. After his show in Milan, Giorgio Armani told the Associated Press that he wanted to put a hook on the cape, but Madge insisted on ties and you know what a diva bitch she can be.

Giorgio Armani says the bull fighter’s cape that brought down Madonna during a live performance at Brit Awards was meant to be closed with an easy-to-undo hook. She wanted it tied instead.

“Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,” Armani said with a smile and a shrug backstage after his Emporio Armani show. “That’s all there was to it.”

I love it when fancy Italian pepaw fashion designers bring the bitchiness. Giorgio Armani’s subtle bitchy words are like a defibrillator on my soul. I’m sure Madge won’t be bothered by his words at all and will gladly wear him again. I’m sure that during her next performance of Living For Love, she’ll wear another giant Giorgio Armani cape custom made out of HIS SKIN.

And here’s Madge giving you brothel madam outside of a TV station in Milan last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Giuliana Rancic Got A Whole Lot Of Shit Thrown At Her For Saying That Zendaya’s Hair Must Smell Like Patchouli And Weed

February 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Twitter pulled out a jumbo can of RAID last night and sprayed it at Giuliana Rancid when she joked on Fashion Police’s Oscar episode about how Disney star Zendaya must smell like patchouli oil and weed because she’s got dreadlocks. The fighting bell rang as soon as those words came out of Giuliana’s mouth and Twitter put on their boots to stomp on her.

During last night’s episode, they brought Zendaya’s picture on the screen and after Kelly Osbourne (who wants you to know that she’s Zenday’s friend, okay) said some words about her friend’s dress, Giuliana talked about her hair. Note: The back-and-forth ahead may make you miss Joan Rivers:

Kelly: It’s slightly bridal when she could be the one who made the biggest statement on the carpet if it was played right, because she’s done it time and time again. This girl is about to make it big time.

Ghouliana: I love Zendaya’s style and I love when she has the little hair. She has such a tiny frame that this hair to me overwhelms her. I feel like she smells like patchouli oil, or weed.

Kathy: Yeah, maybe weed. It’s legal in so many states now.

Ghouliana: Yeah, it’s so legal.

I’d rather smell like patchouli and weed (come to think of it, I probably do smell like patchouli and weed, along with pork rinds and strawberry shampoo) than dirty Kardashian asshole, wet leaves, spray paint and teeth bleach, which is probably the scent that hits your nostrils when Giuliana walks by you. When Kylie Jenner got dreadlocks, Giuliana apparently called them “edgy,” so some slapped the racist label on her for saying that Zendaya looks like a dirty hippie. Zendaya, who has been on Fashion Police before, wrote a response to Giuliana on Instagram:

zendayatogiulianca

Giuliana took a minute to pry her lips off of a Kardashian’s ass to respond to Zendaya with this hilarious apology:

giulianazendaya2015

BOHEMIAN CHIC?! The hell is she talking about?  I didn’t know that Giuliana has an ass, but I guess she does, because that’s where she pulled that apology from.

Pics: Wenn.com

Taylor Swift Is Full Of Shady Secrets And Her Fans Are The Worst People In The World, So Says Diplo

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Just when you thought the messy middle-school slap fight between student council president Taylor Swift and the kid who thinks he’s a DJ because Mr. Montgomery lets him press play on the stereo at school dances Diplo was over, it appears we’re going to need to call over the recess monitor, because DJ Diplo is starting shit again.

During a recent interview with GQ, Diplo was asked about that time Richmond Avenal’s little sister Lorde dragged him on Twitter for having a tiny dick after he dragged Taylor Swift for having no ass. Since Diplo is a gossip-hissing 13-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown-ass man, he responded in the way that felt most natural of him: by continuing to hiss at Taylor, as well as her fans. Cue up your “oh here go hell come” gifs now.

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Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are Maybe Engaged

December 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Right before the meaning of true love’s heart completely crushed from the weight of the Jeremy Renner divorce news, it barfed up most of its insides from hearing that Charlize Theron may really be engaged to burnt pizza bubble Sean Penn.

I can’t believe that Charlize’s bad decision (aka fucking Sean Penn repeatedly) has been going on for a year. Time really does fly when you’re wet heaving up chunks of half-digested food while picture Sean Penn snort coke off of Charlize’s coochie lips. Rumors about Charlize getting engaged to Sean Penn shat up all over the internet in July, but she quickly denied that mess. But UsWeekly (via Refiner29) says that the Mowry-hating Wicked Witch of Soul Cycle really is engaged to a piece of angry salmon jerky.

During a vacation to Paris last month, Sean asked Charlize to take the relationship to the “next level.” Now, if a boyfriend asks me if I want to take it to the “next level,” I’d guess that either he wants my HBO GO password or he wants to do ass-to-mouth. But Sean wants to make Charlize his third wife. The source said that Charlize said yes even though he didn’t give her a ring. A different source tells E! News that they’re not engaged yet, but they’re talking about weddings a lot.

I think I’ve burned at least 80,000 calories from wrinkling my face while judging Charlize for proudly humping on that burnt piece of steak fat left on the grill, so I thank her for that, I guess. I’m past the point of judging her (HA! I actually typed that with a serious face), so I’ll just say that Sean Penn must cum pure coke and I hope that she lives in a furniture-less yurt free of chairs.

 

“Oh Highly Talented Humble Saintly One, Please Forgive Me……”

December 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, this picture of the benevolent earth God St. Angie Jolie shooting glares of hot ice into the skin of Amy Pascal made the rounds. The picture was taken at The Hollywood Reporter’s Women in Entertainment Breakfast on Wednesday, a day after the Sony Hack delivered us a digital gift in the form of Scott Rudin calling St. Angie Jolie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” during a fight with Amy about David Fincher directing the Steve Jobs biopic. I love it when St. Angie Jolie’s golden halo turns into a ring of fire and she has to fight the urge to tear a trick apart with her vampire dragon claws.

Scott Rudin is the one who did all of the saint bashing in those e-mails and Amy sort of kind of defended St. Angie. So I’m guessing that in that picture, Amy is doing some serious saint ass sucking by saying, “Don’t listen to that goat-footed wheezy old queen. Cleopatra is going to be a worldwide billion dollar extravaganza masterpiece and the world’s supply of gold will run out because the Academy will have to invent new categories just so they can give you as many Oscars as possible. By the way, let me get you a screener for Exodus. You must want to see that movie since it’s about Gods and you’re a God and all.” Meanwhile, St. Angie is wondering why this peon is holding her like that and isn’t on her knees kissing her hooves.

But we all know who the true star of that picture is:

AP970152074020

Giving me Charlize as Aileen Wuornos sans all the dirtiness, craziness and killer stuff. That lady is the tattle tale sibling of a brat who just got in trouble for not acting right. That look says: “Ooooh, you’re about to get whooped and I’m here for the show.”

In more Sony Hack news, The Daily Beast says the hack has revealed what Jennifer Lawrence’s email is and what Brad Pitt signs some of his emails with:

Without giving the actual email handles away (they’re all followed by various other characters), these A-list stars have some seriously great email addresses. Lawrence’s is “peanutbutt,” and Pitt’s is a bizarre alias “_____ Phizz.” Furthermore, Pitt sometimes signs his emails “B P McWee.”

I’m telling myself that blank space in Brad Pitt’s alias is “Jizz” Peanutbutt, JizzPhizz and BP McWee… The Sony Hack has confirmed that on the inside, every Hollywood power type is a 13-year-old suburban boy who wants to be a rapper.

Pics: AP, Splash

The Time Mega-Producer Scott Rudin Called St. Angie Jolie “A Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat”

December 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Christmas has come early! It feels weird saying that since there’s Angie-bashing in this post and she’s Jesus Christ’s godmother.

As most of you know, Sony was hacked and some say it was North Korea because they’re pissed about that Seth Rogen/James Franco movie The InterviewThe hackers reportedly demanded that the movie be pulled. North Korea denied hacking Sony. So far, the hackers released screeners of movies that aren’t out yet, the salaries of their executives, the aliases some celebrities use and much more. But today, the Sony hack delivered a real gift.

Defamer posted a bunch of emails mostly between Sony co-chairman Amy Pascal and producer (and noted mega-asshole) Scott Rudin about the Steve Jobs biopic Jobs. No, not that straight-to-the-Red-Box-clearance-bin Steve Jobs biopic starring wet tampon Ashton Kutcher. There’s a new Steve Jobs biopic written by Aaron Sorkin. It started off at Sony with Christian Bale starring and David Fincher directing, but after some messiness it ended up at Universal with Michael Fassbender starring and Danny Boyle directing. The e-mails go back to February 2014 and document the nightmare journey to make Jobs happen. In the earlier emails, Amy and Scott fight about David Fincher directing Jobs.

Scott, who is producing Jobs, wanted David Fincher for the movie, but St. Angie Jolie was making it hard for him. St. Angie didn’t want Fincher to do Jobs, because she wanted him to direct her in Cleopatra, which Scott Rudin is also producing (but probably not anymore). Scott wanted Amy to tell St. Angie that she can’t have Fincher. In an e-mail to Amy on February 27th, Scott goes full-on with the Angie bashing and it starts with a Kanye-approved ALL-CAPS demand:

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Annie Lennox Takes Another Swipe At Beyonce, Says “Twerking Is Not Feminism”

October 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Praise be! Annie Lennox, the no-fucks-given queen, is thankfully still with us after coming for Beyoncé by calling her “feminist lite” and “cheap” last month. I was so sure that such blasphemy against Our Lady of Perpetual Lacefronts would result in Annie getting kidnapped in the middle of the night by a balaclava-wearing Basement Baby (who was promised a fresh clump of dryer lint for her bed if she could “make the problem disappear”). And it looks like Annie still doesn’t give a fuck, because she’s hissing at Yawncé about feminism once again.

During an interview with NPR (via Daily Mail), Annie was asked to further explain the comment she made about Beyoncé being the Diet Coke of feminism, which is basically the fancy public radio way of saying “Please please please say more beautiful shit about Beyoncé.” And she did! Sort of…

“Listen, twerking is not feminism. It’s not – it’s not liberating, it’s not empowering. It’s a sexual thing that you’re doing on a stage; it doesn’t empower you. That’s my feeling about it.”

“The reason why I’ve commented is because I think that this overt sexuality thrust — literally — at particular audiences, when very often performers have a very, very young audience, like 7 years older, I find it disturbing and I think its exploitative. It’s troubling. I’m coming from a perspective of a woman that’s had children.”

I’ve missed Annie’s diplomatic cuntery like the deserts missed the rain, and I truly appreciate that she says whatever the hell she thinks, but that comment about twerking made NO goddamn sense! I don’t think I’ve ever seen Beyoncé “twerk”. I’ve seen her rub her horny robo-coochie against the seat of a chair while proudly showing off her b-hole like a cat, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen her twerk. Unless Annie thinks twerking is the same as surfbort-ing? Maybe someone can ask her to explain that comment during the next interview she gives.

Regardless of what kind of feminist Beyoncé is, Annie should know there are more important things she should be shading Beyoncé about. Like Beyoncé’s jacked-as-hell 1950′s pin-up afghan hound hair!

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