Praise be! Annie Lennox, the no-fucks-given queen, is thankfully still with us after coming for Beyoncé by calling her “feminist lite” and “cheap” last month. I was so sure that such blasphemy against Our Lady of Perpetual Lacefronts would result in Annie getting kidnapped in the middle of the night by a balaclava-wearing Basement Baby (who was promised a fresh clump of dryer lint for her bed if she could “make the problem disappear”). And it looks like Annie still doesn’t give a fuck, because she’s hissing at Yawncé about feminism once again.
During an interview with NPR (via Daily Mail), Annie was asked to further explain the comment she made about Beyoncé being the Diet Coke of feminism, which is basically the fancy public radio way of saying “Please please please say more beautiful shit about Beyoncé.” And she did! Sort of…
“Listen, twerking is not feminism. It’s not – it’s not liberating, it’s not empowering. It’s a sexual thing that you’re doing on a stage; it doesn’t empower you. That’s my feeling about it.”
“The reason why I’ve commented is because I think that this overt sexuality thrust — literally — at particular audiences, when very often performers have a very, very young audience, like 7 years older, I find it disturbing and I think its exploitative. It’s troubling. I’m coming from a perspective of a woman that’s had children.”
I’ve missed Annie’s diplomatic cuntery like the deserts missed the rain, and I truly appreciate that she says whatever the hell she thinks, but that comment about twerking made NO goddamn sense! I don’t think I’ve ever seen Beyoncé “twerk”. I’ve seen her rub her horny robo-coochie against the seat of a chair while proudly showing off her b-hole like a cat, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen her twerk. Unless Annie thinks twerking is the same as surfbort-ing? Maybe someone can ask her to explain that comment during the next interview she gives.
Regardless of what kind of feminist Beyoncé is, Annie should know there are more important things she should be shading Beyoncé about. Like Beyoncé’s jacked-as-hell 1950′s pin-up afghan hound hair!
Why did I immediately get the feeling this post should have a “You in danger girl” tag? According to Us Weekly, a source close to Gwyneth Paltrow (the $1250 hand-carved imported acacia wood stick that’s permanently stuck up her ass) says that she’s ready to meet Chris Martin’s new squeeze, America’s favorite fart-sniffin’ cool girl Jennifer Lawrence, and wants to spend some time getting to know her. Keep your basic friends close and your enemies closer! I’m sure that’s stitched in 24k gold thread on a Mulberry silk pillow somewhere in Castle Goopskull.
“She’d like to spend a little time with her and thinks they’d probably get along.” The source adds that the Shakespeare in Love actress is “fine” with her ex’s romance with Lawrence but would like him to wait a bit before introducing her to their kids, daughter Apple and son Moses. “Gwyneth wants to be sure about her,” the source says.
Oh Gwyneth, you crafty come-to-life corn broom you. I can see what she’s trying to do here. She wants to get the scoop on JLaw without coming across like Chris’s crazy ex-wife (tooooo laaate), so she’ll casually try to invite herself over to JLaw’s house for a little GOOP-y girl’s night. Then after about an hour of sipping chilled organic tiger tear gin and tonics and talking about GOOP-y girl stuff (“OMG Jenny, don’t you totally hate it when you get a blow out and the stylist forgets to apply crushed grey pearl serum??”), Gwyneth will excuse herself and go rummaging through JLaw’s bathroom for cool girl dirt. “Ew, what is this? A toothbrush? You mean she doesn’t have an in-house dentist who cleans her teeth every morning? And she still uses towels? Gawd, it’s 2014 – I thought everyone had made the transition to a $29,000 personal moisture removal machine by now.”
And totally off topic, but what is it with all of Gwyneth’s exes moving on to girls name Jennifer? Chris Martin, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck (twice!) – something in the cashmere-filtered lemongrass water ain’t clean!
Here’s more of I’m-not-a-regular-ex-wife-I’m-a-cool-ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow serving up some sexy corn husk doll realness at an Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences lunch yesterday.
The Twihards Are Still Pissed That Robert Pattinson Is Dating FKA Twigs, Start Trolling Her On Twitter
Even though the Twilight saga ended almost two years ago and even though it’s been a million years since Robert Pattinson quit humping on professional scowler Kristen Stewart, there are still some crazy Twihard fangirls out there clutching at their Edward Cullen and Bella Swan barbie dolls and weeping salty sparkly tears over the news that RPattz has moved on to British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs.
But because Twihards are the definition of ‘stunted’, they’ve started going after Rob’s new girlfriend in an attempt to scare her away. Unfortunately, they’re not mailing her their tear-matted Twilight dolls with a note written in glitter blood that says “RPATTZ IS TAKEN, TRY TAYLOR LAUTNER”. No, they’re much crazier than that; they’re being racist assholes on Twitter.
MMA fighter and alpha asshole, War Machine (and yes, that’s his legal name), is on the run from Las Vegas police after they issued a warrant on his ass for viciously beating and trying to rape his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack. Christy is laid up in the hospital with serious injuries and yesterday on Twitter she told the story along with pictures of her beat up face. Christy says that she broke up with War Machine months ago, but over the weekend he showed up to her house at 2 in the morning. When he found her with a friend, the roids in his veins boiled and he went “Ike Turner as the Hulk” crazy. War Machine threw friend out of the house, ordered her to get naked, beat her repeatedly, cut off her hair with a dull knife and tried to rape her but couldn’t get it up. Christy eventually got away and a neighbor drove her to the hospital. Christy has a broken jaw, nose, eye socket, missing teeth, a fractured rib and a ruptured liver. War Machine wet farted out some bullshit story on Twitter about how he was going to Christy’s house to propose to her and ended up “fighting for his life.” You can read the whole nightmare of a story here if you haven’t already. (“Nightmare? That’s a love story!” - Chris Brown) The Las Vegas police say they’re actively searching for him and there’s a $10,000 reward for his capture. And now Dog the Bounty Hunter and his glorious mullet of justice are getting into the game and coming for War Machine.
TMZ says that Dog somehow got a hold of War Machine and threatened to hunt him down if he doesn’t turn himself over to police in the next 24 hours . Once the 24 hours is up, we all better hold onto something strong, because Dog’s powerful mullet will whip up a wind storm when he goes running after that dried glob of smegma stuck to a pig’s dick slit (no offense to dried globs of smegma stuck to a pig’s dick slit).
Dog also let it be known on Twitter that he’s going after War Machine, because he does have a reality show to sell, brah:
So a bounty hunter who goes by the name Dog is chasing after a lady-beating cage fighter who legally changed his name to War Machine? That entire scenario is sponsored by Monster energy drink and features outfits provided by Ed Hardy and a soundtrack by Seether.
Dog might be attention whoring and is tweeting those threats on the lanai of his Hawaiian home while sipping on a Mai Tai that’s sitting on Beth Chapman’s luscious chichis, but he’s on to something. War Machine’s capture should be on Dog the Bounty Hunter and his trial should be on Judge Judy. I was going to say that they should televise his prison sentence on pay-per-view, but he wouldn’t make it to prison since Judge Judy would rip out his bones with her claws and use them to make herself a new judicial throne.
Yesterday, when Ok! Magazine was the first to say that Eva Mendes has every McGosling shipper’s worst nightmare growing in her body, some people shrugged and said, “Eh, I’ll believe it when she gives birth to a baby who inherited her Cesar Romero as the Joker-like eyebrows and his ability to make ovaries combust by winking.” But then Access Hollywood co-signed Ok!’s story and the Internet really knew it was in danger, girl, when People (aka The Voice Of The People Weekly) confirmed through “a source” (FYI: I’m pretty sure Eva’s publicist’s name is Annabella Source) that one of Ryan’s smooth jizz fishes dropped kicked into one of Eva’s ovaries 7 months ago. And it really, really became all the way real when Ellen DeGeneres tweeted a tweet that pushed the Ryan Gosling fangirls deeper into the dark, scary ocean of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) July 9, 2014
Back in February, Eva was on Ellen and she sort-of-kind-of-not-really denied that she’s got a Gosling fetus in her, so Ellen congratulating them is their way of confirming that shit. But damn, Eva and Ryan are such dramatic, theatrical bitches. I get that Eva went into hiding for four months, because she’s practically the JD Salinger of C-list movie actresses and is oh-so private and blah blah blah… But when the story came out yesterday, she could’ve just come out and said, “Yeah, losers, call your family and tell them to put you on suicide watch, because your fake boyfriend really did bareback bone a baby into me.” Instead, she had to get Ellen to confirm it for them. You’d think Alfred Hitchcock’s ghost orchestrated this baby announcement, because it’s THAT suspenseful.
And today, TMZ posted hilarious and ridiculous pap pictures of Eva using everything and the kitchen sink (no joke, I think there’s a Kohler sink behind that stripped blanket thing) to hide her growing fetus dome yesterday. Those pictures look like a Monty Python skit. Buffoonery! I’m surprised she hasn’t hired Rob Kardashian (he needs the job) to walk in front of her at all times. I get that Eva’s knocked up with a fetus that has destroyed the emotions of thousands of fangirls, but she’s acting like she’s pregnant with some truly, truly, truly treasured cargo like a naked picture of Prince Hot Ginge or the secret recipe to Jell-O 1-2-3. It’s just a baby. But I do hope that she keeps this act up after her kid is born, because I really want to see her carrying around a paper grocery bag with her baby disguised as a baguette sticking out of it. (“Eva, your baguette just drooled.” – a pap “Oh, that means it’s really organic.” – Eva)
If I was Eva, I’d walk around naked with the words “KEEP CRYING” written on my bump.
“You let me know if you want me to drop this dildo-looking microphone and start carrying a prison shank instead” – the owl tattooed on her shoulder.
Taryn Manning, who you may know from OITNB as the crazy meth-mouthed hillbilly Pennsatucky or from her career-defining Oscar-nominated (I WISH) role as Mimi the knocked-up trailer park princess in Crossroads, has pressed charges against a former friend who she claims has been getting a little too Alex Forrest-y with her. Page Six says that Lindsay Lohan’s cleaned-up cousin went to the police after being bombarded by hundreds of texts and emails from her former friend Jeanine Heller. A judge released Heller without bail, but issued an order of protection that prevents Heller from contacting Taryn, Taryn’s mom Sharon (Sharon and Taryn sounds like a mother-daughter stripper act in Reno), or the family dog Penguin. You hear that, Jeanine? STOP TEXTING PENGUIN. He doesn’t want to deal with your shit.
The judge told Jeanine to knock it off with the texting, but her fingers are so used to going all non-stop Sonic the Hedgehog on her Blackberry (yes she has a Blackberry. Sending hundreds of texts and emails requires a keyboard. But also because those roots say “I’m kinda on a budget”). She really needs to find an activity to keep those tap-happy fingers busy. I suggest she put her fingers to work by hooking up with a laptop and doing some research to find out whatever happened to that star on Taryn Manning’s face.
QUICK! Gather up all the Cumberbitches, drop them in California and tell them again that the husband in their head has a new piece so they can cry their weight out in Cumberbitch tears and the drought will be over!
During a talk at the Cannes Lions festival in France yesterday, Rebecca Eaton, the executive producer of PBS’ Masterpiece Theater, nonchalantly dropped a bomb that tore apart the hearts of the Cumberbitches. Rebecca casually said that some lucky soul gets to feed wet lettuce to the extraterrestrial amphibian Benifiber Gumballpatch after they mate in a tree. Page Six says that Rebecca then spit out some fighting words when she said that the Cumberbitches need to dry their heartbroken tears and get over it.
That might also explain her other job: helping British hottie Benedict Cumberbatch find a new love interest. She wouldn’t say whom the “Sherlock” actor has met, but she said it’s time for all those “Cumberbitches” — the name used by his huge base of female followers — to move on.
MOVE ON? MOVE ON? How can that cold-hearted she-devil say “move on” like that? That’s like telling Jesus’ disciples to move on and go pet some animals or something after seeing him die on the cross. That’s like telling me to move on after I spent four days crying in bed when I learned that Footballers Wives didn’t get a proper finale.
But I’m sure the Cumberbitches won’t go after Rebecca Eaton. They have more important things to do like search under every rock and in every terrarium at the reptile center for Bendadick’s new piece. Is she full human? Is she full lizard? Or is she half lizard and half alien like Benadryl? I guess we’ll find out when her identity is revealed in the Rebecca Eaton-produced PBS science documentary about the mating rituals of Troigs.
Fun probably-fact: Dr. Oz’s glum “I’m getting scolded by senators face” is probably the same as his “Darn, my poop isn’t banana-shaped today” face.
Not a conversation with my mom goes by without her saying to me, “Well, honey, Dr. Oz says….” So all those senators who snatched Dr. Oz’s wig yesterday better hold onto their chairs and get ready, because once my mom figures out how to find their email addresses and email them, their eyeballs will never be the same again. Those bitches will be asking Dr. Oz if he knows a supplement they can use to stop the burning they got in their eyes after they read a rage-filled email from a level 10 Ozoholic in California. My mom still asks me how to go to Google.com, so it could be a while before she goes after them, but she will go after them one day!
Dr. Oz thought he was in DC yesterday to testify before the senate about scammers using his image and name to sell weight-loss products (like green coffeebean extract) that he endorsed on his show. But surprise, bitch. Dr. Oz got hit with a banana-shaped log of truth when a bunch of senators shook their heads at him for talking up weight-loss supplements to his legion of devoted followers who would tongue kiss a toad if he told them that toads have enzymes in their mouths that kill belly bulge. NBC News says that Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri, who chairs a Senate committee on consumer protection, gave my mom’s God a verbal slap down for overselling weight-loss stuff he knew didn’t work.
“I don’t get why you need to say this stuff because you know it’s not true. So why, when you have this amazing megaphone…why would you cheapen your show by saying things like that? When you feature a product on your show it creates what has become known as the ‘Dr. Oz Effect’ — dramatically boosting sales and driving scam artists to pop up overnight using false and deceptive ads to sell questionable products. While I understand that your message is occasionally focused on basics like healthy eating and exercise, I am concerned that you are melding medical advice, news, and entertainment in a way that harms consumers.”
Senator Claire McCaskill, you dun goofed! Now you’ll never be Assistant of the Day!
After those senators ripped Dr. Oz a new one (which he’s probably into because that means he’s got more places to expel banana-shaped poop from), he tucked his tail in between his legs and said that he really does believe in all the products he pushes and he’ll turn down the “flowery” language from now on.
I would interview Dlisted’s resident Dr. Oz expert, my mom, about this travesty, but I already know what she’s going to say:
WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! That senator probably eats too much sugar!
Witch hunt is right! I mean, in that still above he kind of looks like the Grand High Witch in a toupee.
Every time I watch Dr. Oz, he’s always pushing something. One episode he’ll say that rinsing your butt out with flax seed oil will make your shit come out smoother and the next episode he’ll say that putting butter in your coffee gives you energy (Side note: A side effect of drinking butter in your coffee is that you’ll suddenly want to be served by black men in white suits. It’s the Paula Deen effect). Sometimes I want to try the stupid crap he says to try and I know that if I do try it and it doesn’t work, it’s on me, because I made the decision to try it. When are we, as consumers, going to take responsibility for…… You know, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m too busy bracing my ears for when my mom calls me to say that she heard I said her precious Dr. Oz looks like the Grand High Witch and how could I say that? “You only said that because you eat too much sugar. Dr. Oz says you need to cut down on that sugar. I’ll send you some brown rice syrup” is probably what my mom will say.
And here’s Senator Claire McCaskil being the Uncle Ben to Dr. Oz’s Spider-Man.
And the SHOCKING TWIST is that it wasn’t Chelsea Handler during another one of her drunken, vodka-fueled rages.
Vitalii Sediuk is that 25-year-old Ukrainian “comedian” and “prankster” (see: terror of Hollywood and overall asshole mess) who’s known for pulling all sorts of acts of fuckery like trying to suck Will Smith’s face on the red carpet, crawling up Ugly Betty’s dress at Cannes, giving Bradley Cooper a dry blow job, grabbing Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s down low parts, giving everyone a Ukrainian pube show at the Met Gala and crashing the stage at the Grammys during Adele’s speech. Well, for his latest STUNT QUEEN stunt, Vitalii jumped over a barrier at the Maleficent premiere in Hollywood last night and reportedly punched the patriarch of America’s most important holy family right in the face.
Just Jared says that Brad let the spirit of Tyler Durden take over his body and he punched that bitch back. Brad’s security and the police jumped on Vitalii and he was arrested and charged with battery. He’s currently being held on $20,000 bail. It’s a good thing that Brad Pitt sucked down all those joints in the car, because his face was probably so numb that he didn’t feel a thing. He shook it off and kept signing autographs and posing with St. Angie Jolie and her gown made by Hefty.
RIP Vitalii Sediuk. Because he fucked with the wrong bitches this time. Sometime today, St. Angie’s minions will ask the LAPD to hand that motherfucker over to them. Then they’ll throw Vitalii in the child army’s playroom before saying, “May God be with you,” and locking the door. After about 2 hours of suffering through the child army’s screeches, SpongeBob blasting in the background and the Chosen Ones throwing Cheetos at him, he’ll scream for mercy and ask for a quick death. Then St. Angie will appear in a cloud of green smoke and say, “Death is too good for you, carry on, my children!” Bitch is done.
Charlize Theron better wear full body armor from now on, because the gluten-free-ers are going to beat her ass with their rock hard, gluten-free bread for dragging them through a pile of cakes, pies and bleached white Wonder Bread. Chelsea Handler, who is friends with every single blonde trick in Hollywood, had Charlize Theron on her show last week and the topic of what she gave all her blonde friends for Christmas came up. Chelsea gave everyone gluten-free cupcakes and it made Charlize want to barf up her insides and rinse the taste of gluten-free vomit from her tongue by drinking a giant glass of liquid gluten spiked with sugar. In a part of the interview that was not-at-all planned or staged, Charlize goes off on gluten-free bitches. (Charlize didn’t mention celiacs or people allergic to gluten, but you better protect your eardrums now, because Elisabeth Hasselcrack will shrill out a 30-minute-long response to this.)
“I just think that if you are gonna send a gift, let it be enjoyable. Why send me a fucking cupcake with no sugar in it? What’s the use? There’s no use. It tastes like cardboard! And this was the ultimate test, I was in the middle of a fitting with a bunch of ‘fashion people’ and they love skinny stuff. I had them taste it and even they couldn’t eat it. Then I tried, I said, ‘You know, I love my cleaning ladies, I’m gonna give-’ They wouldn’t even eat it. My dogs wouldn’t even eat it. I couldn’t get rid of the goddamned cupcakes in my kitchen.
I think the gluten-free thing is bullshit. I’m sorry, that’s just me. I don’t believe it and I think studies now recently just proved that it is bullshit. But I actually do think it’s bullshit.”
If a ho doesn’t want to eat gluten, because they’re afraid it’ll make them fat, I’m all for that. Because that means more delicious gluten for me! But I think it’s funny that Charlize is judging people for what they put in their mouths when her sucio, no-standards-having, disgusting ass regularly puts Sean Penn’s over-cooked Snausage dick in her mouth.
And if you ever want to eat anything again, stop watching that video at the 2:25 mark. No cake, gluten-free or not, deserves that.
Here’s Charlize, her son, her son’s topless doll and Sean Penn leaving a hotel in London today.