The only person who likes Taylor Swift more than Taylor Swift is her lawyers; girl provides them with a lot of work. Taylor put her lawyers to work recently on a writer who wrote some things Taylor didn’t like regarding her popularity in the white supremacy community. Thanks to a little thing called free speech, that fight isn’t going so well for Taylor.
While there’s nothing wrong with being a book lover, there is something a tad…off…if you show up to the Emmy Awards as a nominee and announce you don’t have time for the boob tube since you’re too busy being nose deep in the latest Nancy Drew mystery to catch up on Westworld. Of course, this did not strike Miss Shailene Woodley as absurd when she decided to take a night off from eating insects and clay in the Shire to show up to last night’s Emmy Awards.
Drake is currently on vacation, because sometimes you just need to get away from a pregnancy rumor, you know? In a move that seems coincidental, desperate, or a combination of both, E! News says he’s staying at the exact same resort that his former girlfriend-for-attention Jennifer Lopez was just at a week earlier with her new boyfriend A-Rod.
I’ve heard of silent but deadly, but this is a first for me. Jennifer Lawrence loves farts, but she didn’t almost take down a man with a deadly fart. That’s not to say the near-death situation wasn’t peak-Jennifer Lawrence, of course.
Jennifer was promoting Passengers with her co-star Chris Pratt on The Graham Norton Show on Friday and she told a story about the time her ass almost committed involuntary manslaughter. During the filming of The Hunger Games in Hawaii, Jennifer was in a wet suit and shooting a scene on sacred rocks. Her ass got itchy from the neoprene, so she scratched it against the rocks. This was a no-no, because according to JLaw, it’s disrespectful to rub your toot-toot against sacred rocks.
The Hawaiian island god living in the sacred rocks clearly had enough of JLaw rubbing her ass all over it. One of the rocks came loose and pulled a Raiders of the Lost Ark by rolling down a mountain towards a sound guy. This marks the first time in history that Jennifer Lawrence was beaten to an awkward fall by something else.
Thankfully, the sound guy wasn’t killed. The people of Hawaii, however, weren’t as relieved. As JLaw says, some saw the rock as a sign of a curse. Meanwhile, I’m sure there was at least one Hawaiian who saw the rock as a blessing. A genuine Hunger Games prop that was rubbed repeatedly by Jennifer Lawrence’s ass? I bet they got at least $1000 for that rock on eBay.
Veruca Salt’s even-brattier Canadian cousin Justin Bieber is really mad about some stuff that was said about him on the internet, and in a shocking turn of events, it has nothing to do with people calling him shit like Veruca Salt’s even-brattier Canadian cousin. Justin is so mad about a fake-sounding story that was published on HollywoodLife that he’s trying to get them shut down. It’s the Nick Jr. version of Hulk Hogan vs. Gawker.
Shortly after Blac Chyna announced that she was knocked up with Rob Kardashian’s baby, there were whispers that the two of them were trying to get a reality show. Well, E! has announced what we all pretty much figured was only a matter of time before it was announced: that Rob and Chyna are getting their own reality show. Rob & Chyna (current working title) will be a six-episode docuseries that will follow Rob and Chyna’s engagement, her pregnancy, and “everything in between.” Finally, an answer to the question: “Is there is a reality show more pointless than Keeping Up With The Kardashians?”
Each episode will be an hour long (good fucking lord WHY), and will be followed by a separate special featuring the birth of their baby. I don’t know what the working title of that one will be, but I’m sure “Rob & Chyna: Who Cares, Just Give Us The Money” has been thrown around a couple times in the writer’s room. Rob & Chyna will air sometime later this year. E! released this comedy gem about the show:
“Very few love stories have created as much pop culture buzz as Rob and Chyna’s, and we are thrilled to see Rob in such a happy place. We are excited to share the next chapter in their relationship.”
I know your first instinct will be to congratulate the woman who probably orchestrated this shamelessness. But please do not disturb Kris Jenner at this time. She’ll be spending the next 24 hours twirling around Khasa Kardashian to Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” in celebration of the fact that what was once her least-pimpable child has done the unthinkable and landed himself a six-episode reality show AND a special. If you need Blac Chyna, she’ll be doing the same. But her song choice will be “Finally” by CeCe Peniston and she’ll be singing it to her shiny new reality show contract. “Finally, it has happened to me, validation and fame, no more Instagram modeling.”
Here’s future E! reality star Blac Chyna and the man who made it all possible, Rob Kardashian, at an event in Las Vegas this weekend.