Here’s Beyonce Getting ~So Deep~ In An Eleven-Minute Long Black And White Movie About Being Beyonce

First off, eleven minutes?!? Beyonce be tripping; ain’t nobody got time for eleven minutes of anything, let alone for watching a SANS FARDS* (*several thousand gallons of fards may have been used in the production of this film) Beyonce-bot try to act human. But in the event you do have eleven minutes to kill, I strongly suggest you waste it on Beyonce’s half-assed million-dollar attempt at a first-year film studies project, a short film she released today titled Yours And Mine.

In the words of Stefon, this mess has everything: a sad-looking Beyonce crying about being famous, a high-fashion Beyonce staring at herself in a mirror, Beyonce blowing out an candle in slow motion, Beyonce uttering the words “I sometimes wish I could walk down a street just like everyone else“, Beyonce talking about feminism, Beyonce trapped inside stretchy wind sock to represent the constricting nature of celebrity or some such bullshit, creepy twins, Beyonce wiping away human tears. Speaking of eyes, you’re going to want to grab a bottle of Extra-Strength Occular Muscle Relief, because Yours And Mine will make your eyes roll harder than they’ve ever rolled before.

Do I even have to say it? Barney Gumble did it first, and he did it better.

I’m not sure why Beyonce made this eleven and a half minute long visual love letter to herself, but my best guess is that either she wants to win an Academy Award for Most Egotistical Use of Film, or someone accidentally set her narcissism levels to a dangerously high 9.8 during a routine maintenance check. What is this, amateur hour? Everyone knows Beyonce isn’t supposed to be programmed any higher than a 9.2!

Here’s Beyonce B. DeMille herself at the Billboard Women in Music Awards earlier this afternoon looking all kinds of Mama Tina in the face and hair area (that’s a high compliment):

Pics: Splash

Kanye West Doesn’t Understand How Comedy Works

Kanye West has repeatedly told us that he’s the smartest man in the world (or whatever he claims during his daily crazy pants ranting) except he clearly doesn’t understand what impressions are, or how comedy works, or what humor is. Ironic, really, considering he’s married to a clown.

During the Made in America festival in Philadelphia on Saturday, Us Weekly says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband took deliver said crazy pants rant to the audience about SNL comedian Jay Pharoah’s impression of him at the VMAs last Sunday. Pharoah, seen above at the VMAs looking like Kanye if Kanye was an active granny from Boca Raton, kept it pretty inoffensive, but Kanye was SO upset that someone would DARE have the audacity to poke fun at him, so Kanye called Jay Pharoah to inform him that his Kanye spoof at the VMAs and his “Waking Up with Kimye” sketch from SNL isn’t funny. Kanye explained to the audience (who probably had 0.00 fucks to give, honestly) that Jay should be PRAISING him, not parodying him. Continue reading

Selena Gomez Instagrams Her Thoughts On The Hamas Situation

Aspiring toddler-faced diplomat Selena Gomez is currently in Italy for the Ischia Global Film and Music Festival, but has taken a break from strolling the streets looking like a chola Mrs. Roper to express her thoughts on the conflict in the Middle East. Yesterday, Selena posted this vague-ish “Pray for Gaza” message to the mallrat teenager equivalent of The Guardian, her Instagram account (via TMZ), then elaborated on the picture by asking her followers to “Pray for those families and babies”. TMZ seems to think that the cryptic-ish message shows that Selena is pro-Hamas. But I have no clue if that’s true or not, because I’m a next-level idiot who can’t read the word “Hamas” without picturing a pita chip getting dipped into a delicious tub of Sabra.

Even though the first thing I do when I open a newspaper is flip straight to the Family Circus comic, I do have a rudimentary understanding of what’s going on in the Middle East. However, if any of my friends were to approach me and ask: “Allison, I’m dumber than you (“Impossible, but go on” – Me) and I don’t know how to Google. Can you tell me what I should know about the crisis in the Middle East?”, a look of terror would wash over my face and I’d start sweating profusely from my brain. What I’m trying to say is, anyone who willingly chose to date Justin Bieber for as long as she did definitely has a pile of POGS for a brain, and I’d love to hear Selena Gomez try to explain what’s happening in Gaza. I bet it would start with “So, like, here’s the thing about hummus…”  

Here’s the aspiring future Secretary of State at a press conference in Italy earlier today wearing some kind of see-through wedding piñata dress.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Cameron Diaz Would Like You To Know That She Hasn’t Used Antiperspirant In 20 Years

Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.

I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).

“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”

Well, I guess that explains this (and this, and this). But what about guys? Without antiperspirant, won’t they start to smell like low-tide on Garbage Island?

“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”

I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.

Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).

Pics: Wenn, Splash

Johnny Depp Thinks “Transcendence” Is A Prediction Of The Future

Whenever someone starts talking about the future, I immediately start picturing the world of The Jetsons and riding around in bubble cars and eating food-flavoured pills, because I know that the actual future is probably going to be a huge bummer. Best case scenario, we get the world of dum-dums and super-Costcos from Idiocracy, but worst case scenario, the future is a terrifying dystopic hell hole that combines Hunger Games-style murder competitions with the awful haircuts from Logan’s Run.

But one part of the mystery of the future has already been figured out by Captain Jack Sparrow himself, Johnny Depp. During an interview with MTV News , Johnny removed his 20+ fauxhemian necklaces and replaced them with a Bill Nye bow tie to explain that the technology in his film Transcendence (i.e. that his mind is uploaded into a computer) IS REAL:

“When you look at it’s kind of a sci-fi thing. But when you dig a little bit deeper, and you realize that the technology that we use in the film… is very close to being a reality and will for sure be a reality in the next 30 years, is presented for the first time ever. It is a foretelling of what is to come.”

Please, Neil deGrasse Depp, tell me more about your theories of memory transfer, specifically which ones make it out of my brain. Because I have an awful lot of regretful shit that should probably stay between me and my frontal lobe (like the time I made cookie dough pudding, or the second time I made cookie dough pudding).

Since the active thoughts in my brain fall into one of two categories (the episode on candy canes from How It’s Made, and pictures of wizard cats) I doubt anyone would have the slightest interest in uploading my boring mind to a computer. Besides, we’re already able to see everybody’s mundane thoughts – it’s called Instagram. Oh shit, the spooky future technology Johnny Depp speaks of already exists! He was right! Run! Save yourselves! Well, there you have it – the future is already here and it’s only a matter of time before we start hunting each other for sport! And I’m totally fucked because I don’t have any money saved up for a Jetsons-style bubble car.

Smug Vegan Ariana Grande Latte Thinks Drinking Milk Makes You Look Like A Cow

I suppose now she’ll want us to change her name to Ariana Grande Soy Latte. Ugh, do you know how much paperwork it takes to legally change a name? How rude. I don’t have the time to wait in a government line for 6 hours before being told I filled out the wrong form. I don’t care how much you hate cows and their milk, you’re staying as Ariana Grande Latte.

Instead of tackling the hard-hitting issues that affect the world of Ariana Grande, such as “Why do you always look like an American Girl doll going to prom?” V Magazine instead chose to break Rule No.1 of preventing an interview from going off the tracks by asking Ariana about her vegan lifestyle. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to talk about being a vegan without sounding patronizingly smug – it is possible – but talking to a 20-year-old about why they’re vegan? Whole other story:

“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk withnutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”

Ex-cue-sah-you biiiiiiitch. Some of us love cow tit pus and don’t care for the attitude; nobody throws that much shade at my favorite Baileys mixer and gets away with it. I honestly could give a shit what people put in their mouths, whether it be seitan nuggets or Satan’s nut sack (“Ooh, lemme just wipe off my lipgloss first” – Kris Jenner) but I refuse to take unsolicited advice from an un-smart young one about how I need to stop drinking Peanut Butter Fudge Shakes from Sonic. BECAUSE I NEVER WILL (until they remove them from the menu, in which case I’ll have the #5 combo of slow wall-slide with a side of inconsolable weeping).

And because you haven’t seen it a billion and one times, here’s more of Ariana Grande Steamed Milk in V making the same ‘trying to stealthily squeeze out a difficult tofu fart’ expression she always does:

(Pics: V Magazine)