Yes, 35-year-old Paris Hilton has come all the way from 2009 to let us know that she’s actually really smart, she just played a dum-dum on TV. Paris dropped the sexy baby voice, ordered the hand servants to whip up her most responsible-looking ponytail, and practiced her sophisticated head nods for a >3 minute interview with Access Hollywood where she states her case.
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Warning: the following involves an actor-type trying to talk about science-y things, so you might want to pop ten Tylenols and guzzle a mug of brown liquor to make processing it all just a little bit easier. While discussing how he prepares for movie roles during an interview with Esquire, Jake Gyllenhall made it clear that he’s either been watching too much Bill Nye the Science Guy on Netflix or not nearly enough by saying some random stoner-sounding thoughts about molecules and the moon and how they fuck with all the water in our bodies. Take it away, Professor Jake!
“I believe deeply in the unconscious. That you literally accumulate the molecules of the space that you’re in. We’re like 90 per cent water, so naturally we are going to be affected by the moon when it’s full: if the sea is, why wouldn’t we be? That seems scientific to me. So, if you spend enough time in whatever environment your character would exist in – the way I spent six months with police officers – then the molecules of that environment must transfer somehow. And then you put it on screen, and people go, ‘I feel something that I don’t normally feel.'”
I…wait, what? I’ve read that three times and each time my brain gets more and more frustrated with me for making it read it. It’s like “Allison, STAHP! It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it still makes no goddamn sense! Oh Jesus, are you reading it again?” Meanwhile, Jaden Smith read Jake’s thoughts and said, “I would like to hear more about your theories on water people and the moon.”
The only part I
understood barely understood was the part about how if you hang around someone (police officers if you’re Jake) long enough, then you start to absorb their molecules and become them. Does that mean if I carry a Dolly Parton doll around with me long enough, eventually I’ll absorb some of her synthetic-haired glamour and down-home plastic charm? It’s worth a shot.
Here’s more of Professor Jake serving up vintage J. Crew summer catalog realness in Esquire.
The Ghost of Iggy Azalea Future Vanilla Ice, seen above dressed as Mark Twain’s AXE-spritzing Monster-chugging pimped-out stage coach-driving dirtbag brother Gary ‘Greazy G’ Twain (at least that’s I’m assuming) in Adam Sandler’s upcoming film The Ridiculous 6, wants you to know that it’s not nearly as offensive to Native Americans as those Native American actors who walked off set last week claim it is.
Vanilla Ice defended The Ridiculous 6 to TMZ yesterday, saying that it’s “a comedy” and that it’s not “Dancing with Wolves.” I don’t know what “Dancing with Wolves” is, but it sounds like a Seltzer-Friedberg parody of Dances with Wolves starring Taylor Lautner and the cast of Dancing With The Stars, so I’m in. Vanilla says he wasn’t on set the day the Native American actors quit, but if he wants to see what it looked like, there’s now a video of the R6 producers telling the actors to leave if they’re offended by the script.
He then went on to say they’re just making a funny movie before adding that he’s “part Choctaw” and he sees both sides of the issue. Today I learned: Vanilla Ice is totally that girl you know who dresses up as a slutty Indian every Halloween because she’s 1/98th “Chickasaw…Chik-fil-a…chickasomething“, so it’s totally cool.
Vanilla Ice was the wrong person to ask about this shit, because that picture above is probably the most offensive thing I’ve seen about The Ridiculous 6. How dare a dude in lazy Mark Twain drag throwing white guy gang signs take up valuable space from true A-list talent like David Spade and Rob Schneider. Until you make a movie as good as Joe Dirt or The Hot Chick, aka two of the greatest films ever made, your ass stands in the back row. Second-from-the-left is a spot you earn, Vanilla!
Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.”
Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:
“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”
Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.
But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!
“What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is with a pot of homemade chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?“
Warning: Just like 99.999% of the words that fall out of Kanye West’s hubris hole (aka his mouth), the following will make you feel like you just took a deep inhale on a permanent marker. Kanye recently gave an interview to the New York Times’ T Magazine, and obviously it’s a huge pile of WTF, but one of the more Kanye-y things he said was about his ego.
I always thought that if Kanye’s ego was a physical object, it would be his wife’s two-holiday-hams-in-a-plastic-bag ass. As it turns out, it’s actually a giant marble table. Don’t worry, I’ll let Kanye explain (“Oh here we go” says everybody, as they reach for the Tylenol).
“I have this table in my new house. They put this table in without asking. It was some weird nouveau riche marble table, and I hated it. But it was literally so heavy that it took a crane to move it. We would try to set up different things around it, but it never really worked. I realized that table was my ego. No matter what you put around it, under it, no matter who photographed it, the douchebaggery would always come through.”
“They put it in without asking.” Welcome to life with your in-laws, dude. But Kanye’s ego has more in common with that marble table than them both being severely douchebaggy. Doesn’t marble absorb water? And doesn’t Kanye the fashion designer have a tendency to “absorb” other people’s ideas? Yeah, this marble table metaphor makes total sense.
Speaking of fashion, Kanye also talked about how he’s always wanted to be Kanye West: FASHION TASTE MAKER!
“I dreamed, since I was a little kid, of having my own store where I could curate every shoe, sweatshirt and color. I have sketches of it. I cried over the idea of having my own store.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if Kanye’s obsession with clothes started way earlier than that. I’m sure he was hanging out in the womb, curating his amniotic fluid and styling his umbilical cord. Then when he finally came out of his mom’s cooch, his first cries happened after he realized he was in such close proximity of such a tragically unstylish hospital gown.
Here’s more of Kanye looking like a future times emo teen for T Magazine: