Category: You Do You

Miley Cyrus Wants You To Be Whatever You Want To Be

June 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Genderqueer hillbilly rodent philosopher Miley Cyrus recently spoke with TIME magazine, and just like my hand in a Costco-sized bag of Doritos, Miley gets deep. Just like her interview with Paper magazine from last week, Miley has lots of thoughts about sex, gender, fucking, identity, and positive life thoughts. I’m not sure if Tish Cyrus ever cheated on Billy Ray in the early 90s with a motivational poster or Stuart Smalley, but it might explain all the good vibes coming out of her brain. Miley just wants you to be happy, y’all! Continue reading

Demi Lovato Says She Might Not Be Alive If It Weren’t For Wilmer Valderrama

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Coincidentally, a whole bunch of STDs just said the same thing.

Today is the day that former mile-high cokehead Demi Lovato celebrates her third year of sobriety from the bad shit, and in honor of what is a legitimate milestone in Hollywood, she decided to make us all want to reach for the closest mind-numbing substance we can get our hands on by posting a picture of herself kissing noted man slut douchebag type Wilmer Valderrama to Instagram. According to Demi, Fez from That 70s Show is the reason she’s clean and sober and still with us:

“I wish I could put into words how grateful I am for this man right here. But my love has grown to a level that words could never possibly express how much this man completes me. He’s loved me the way I never thought I deserved to be loved and with this day marking my 3rd year sober… After sharing my ups, putting up with my downs and supporting my recovery… he still never takes credit and I want the world to know how incredible his soul is. I really wouldn’t be alive today without him. I love you Wilmer”

Mark this day in your calendar: for the first time in history, Wilmer Valderrama is actually responsible for something good. “Now if only he could pay it forward and get rid of this douchey-looking facial hair on me” thought his jawline.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Demi Lovato, because she’s kind of a NFGQiT (No Fucks Given Queen in Training), and normally I’d advise anyone with a snatch to stay as far away from Wilmer Valderrama as possible, but she’s doing really well, which means…he might not be totally the worst? I mean, he is keeping her away from booze and druggy dust. Let me tell you, this situation is a real Snatch-22.

Here’s a healthy and sober Demi Lovato at GMA last Thursday:

Pics: Splash

Robert Pattinson Might Have Given FKA Twigs A Promise Ring

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And now for some news that will surely send those last few dozen die-hard Robsten fangirls into a violent rage spiral. According to People, things are getting pretty serious between former vampire/current handsome hipster Robert Pattinson and the singer who looks like she was created in a sexy humid factory by Prince, FKA Twigs. A friend of RPattz and FKATwattz says that after dating for five months, they’re both wearing promise rings. The source goes on to add:

“He wants to marry her. [He’s] much more calm and happy than before. They are inseparable when they are together. They live at his house.”

I’d say that comment about being ‘much more happy than before’ was a subtle swipe at RPattz’s first famous girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but that’s a bit of a reach. Even KStew would be like “Eh, no offense taken; I wasn’t thrilled about the situation either” before hollering at Alicia Cargile to put on her shoes for their 4th coffee run of the day.

I’m really happy those two crazy kids found love and are having a good time rubbing their horny bits against each other in The House That Twilight Built, but promise rings? Don’t they seem a little too cool for promise rings? They strike me as more of the Sure, Whatever ring type. Oh well, jewelery is jewelery. Besides, maybe it’s not even an ‘I promise to marry you’ ring; maybe it’s an ‘I promise to always tell you when your hair looks 8-layers of NO‘ ring. That’s the kind of promise ring I can get behind.

Jennifer Garner Says It’s Her Turn To Go To Work

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

For the past couple years, Jennifer Garner sort of did the slow two-step away from her career as a movie star so she could stay at home and raise the three kids she made with Ben Affleck. However, during an event to promote her new movie Danny Collins, Jennifer Garner admitted that she’s decided to go back to work:

“I’ve been home for a long time. It’s my turn and I’m going to go to work this spring. I think I’ll work the spring and summer, maybe the fall too, as long as some of it’s at home. I don’t think my deals are done yet so I can’t say, but yeah, I’m about to go to work.”

But it sounds like Ben shouldn’t be fitting himself for a pair of Dad’s Choice™ relaxed-fit sweatpants and memorizing the kids carpool schedule just yet; according to Jen, it’s not a workie-tradesies situation. Nope, they’re both going to be working:

“Ben is super busy and I’m super happy for him. I chose to stay home this year and just said, ‘Go for it babe. Do it all. Do Gone Girl, do Batman, do The Accountant. Do everything.’ I want that for him and I’m happy for him. And he says the same to me. Except that he’s really busy. But he understands that when I really have to do it, we figure it out.”

I really hope that one of those things she really has to do is a sequel to 13 Going on 30, because I would be lying if I said that was not something I wanted in my life.

Ben Affleck has always struck me as an adult-sized kid type, so I hope he’ll be ok when his wife goes back to work. Otherwise, Jennifer Garner is going to have to get used to the director yelling cut every 10 minutes so that she can take a call from him asking how to make microwave burritos. “Ben, I already told you – if you don’t know, ask one of the other kids. Besides, didn’t I leave you $20 for pizza? What did you do with the money? Ben, put Violet on the phone…

Bruce Jenner Will Talk About Bruce Jenner’s Changing Appearance In Season 10 Of KUWTK

January 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Bruce Jenner has always been the hottest member of the Kardashian family, but recently he’s been looking hotter, and he hasn’t said why, because Bruce doesn’t have to explain shit to anybody. But that hasn’t stopped people from throwing out guesses. For example, InTouch Weekly seems to think he’s slowly transitioning into a middle-aged Connecticut church secretary with an affinity for Revlon Kiss Me Coral lipstick. Which as we all know is total BS, because Bruce would never be caught dead in such a gauche color.

Well, it appears we may soon have an answer. According to UsWeekly, Bruce Jenner is ready to talk about Bruce Jenner’s new look, but he’s saving that conversation for the 10th season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A source says:

“Bruce and Kris address his changing appearance in a scene they shot together. It will be a plotline.”

I know, even Satan is shaking his head at Pimp Mama Kris like “Girl, you just reached a new low.” Oh, that’s not fair – maybe this was Bruce’s choice? HA! Listen to me, acting like PMK hasn’t already calculated just how much money she’ll make off of Bruce’s Very Special Episode and drawing up plans to turn Rob’s old room at the Kardashian Kompound into an in-house butt injections lab at the as we speak.

And you know KUWTK will draw this shit out as long as possible. Every episode will being with Kris teasing “I think Bruce might have a big announcement today” while tapping her claw against a DVD copy of Transamerica. Then in the last 60 seconds of the season finale, Bruce will be like “I have something to tell you all. My hair is long because…” before a half-naked Kim Kardashian interrupts him by drowsy-shuffling in wearing a bikini made from human hair and saying “Speaking of hair, look how sexy I am! Bruce, you’ll have to save your announcement for Season 11. In the meantime, make yourself useful and take some pictures of me.

Here’s Jennifer Aniston With One Satin-Wrapped Tit Out, Because Why Not?

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

The London premiere of Horrible Bosses 2 happened on Wednesday night, and in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t the movie Jennifer Aniston is hoping to get nominated for an OSCAH for. Serious film actress Jennifer Aniston walks the red carpet in a tasteful black dress with her hair pulled back into a contemplative low chignon, whereas Horrible Bosses 2 actress Jennifer Aniston rolls up with her hair down and her right tit out. You know what? I don’t even care that it’s covered in fabric; one titty out is always the look.

Jenny’s titty dress is like a piece of abstract art. That weird cut-out can be interpreted in so many different ways! Is it an upside-down tube of lipstick? A ketchup-dipped french fry? A cartoon dog boner? The severed finger from Miley Cyrus’ VMA foam hand? I think I’m going to go with cartoon dog boner. Or maybe I’m supposed to be focusing on the negative space? Fuck, art is hard.

But as much as I love that Jenny is showing off her right titty, I’m also a little sad for her left titty. Poor left titty, hidden away behind all that fabric. I bet left titty feels left out.

Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and her modest orange titty in London last night, as well as her Horrible Bosses 2 co-stars and a bunch of British “Who??”s, because it ain’t a British red carpet without the appearance of someone random chick from TOWIE:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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