When January Jones got knocked up eons ago with a “mystery” baby, nobody knew who the father was. And you sure as shit weren’t going to find out from January Jones herself, because she wasn’t interested in telling (at least not right now). January still doesn’t want to talk about who the father of her 5-year-old son Xander Jones is, but she will talk about how she isn’t holding auditions for Xander’s new dad.
I’ve been to a couple wedding showers, and one thing that happened at all of them was a book would get passed around that you were supposed to write advice for a happy marriage to the bride and groom. My advice was always “Don’t judge them too harshly if you catch them eating Doritos on the toilet“, because really, nobody should be made to feel guilty for that kind of a choice. If Hugh Grant were at those same wedding showers, I know what advice he’d write down. “Put your penis in whomever you want.”
The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Daytona 500, Central East Florida’s second-classiest annual event (the first being Daytona Beach Bike Week, obviously), happened this weekend. Thanks to Page Six, I learned that there’s always a grand marshal at the Daytona 500. I’m sure they would have loved to get someone who truly embodies the spirit of Daytona Beach, but sadly The Gronk was out of town. Instead, they got Gerard Butler. And shock of all shocks, one of the first things Grand Marshal Butler did was hit on someone.
A source tells Page Six that Horny Gerry was seen working his sexy Scottish game on 22-year-old model Charlotte McKinney (on the left). If that name isn’t ringing a bell, you might know her as Michael calls her: the big-tittied blond model who isn’t Kate Upton. Now, as of December, Charlotte was dating Stephen Dorff. But that didn’t stop Gerard from trying to get her number. Gerard’s boner knows no loyalty!
No word on whether or not he got her number. Since it’s Gerard Butler we’re talking about, it’s safe to assume he probably ended up passed out ass-naked in his hotel room next to someone.
However, that picture of Charlotte in her extremely tasteful white formal romper (too tasteful for a NASCAR event if you ask me) sitting with John Cena and Gerard gives us all the clues we need. The answer to the question “Did Gerard get her number?” is…of course he didn’t! And it’s pretty obvious why. If you’re going to scribble your digits on anyone’s palm, it’s going to belong to that dreamy jorts-wearing bundle of muscles John Cena.
During a recent interview with The Watchtower for basics and sorority girls (aka Cosmopolitan), Amazonian Snu-Snu stripper goddess Amber Rose spoke about that time she was a stripper. For those of you thinking “Wait, she’s not still a stripper?” – no, Amber Rose isn’t a stripper anymore. She’s a professional sexy lady who wears stripper clothes, and that’s a totally different thing. But she was once a stripper, and she’d like to talk about those times. Sadly, she doesn’t also rip a fat word fart in Khloe Kardashian’s direction, like the last time she talked about stripping. But she does sort of throw a little subtle shade Kanye West’s way, so there’s that. Amber Rose truly knows what the people want.
Genderqueer hillbilly rodent philosopher Miley Cyrus recently spoke with TIME magazine, and just like my hand in a Costco-sized bag of Doritos, Miley gets deep. Just like her interview with Paper magazine from last week, Miley has lots of thoughts about sex, gender, fucking, identity, and positive life thoughts. I’m not sure if Tish Cyrus ever cheated on Billy Ray in the early 90s with a motivational poster or Stuart Smalley, but it might explain all the good vibes coming out of her brain. Miley just wants you to be happy, y’all! Continue reading
Coincidentally, a whole bunch of STDs just said the same thing.
Today is the day that former mile-high cokehead Demi Lovato celebrates her third year of sobriety from the bad shit, and in honor of what is a legitimate milestone in Hollywood, she decided to make us all want to reach for the closest mind-numbing substance we can get our hands on by posting a picture of herself kissing noted man slut douchebag type Wilmer Valderrama to Instagram. According to Demi, Fez from That 70s Show is the reason she’s clean and sober and still with us:
“I wish I could put into words how grateful I am for this man right here. But my love has grown to a level that words could never possibly express how much this man completes me. He’s loved me the way I never thought I deserved to be loved and with this day marking my 3rd year sober… After sharing my ups, putting up with my downs and supporting my recovery… he still never takes credit and I want the world to know how incredible his soul is. I really wouldn’t be alive today without him. I love you Wilmer”
Mark this day in your calendar: for the first time in history, Wilmer Valderrama is actually responsible for something good. “Now if only he could pay it forward and get rid of this douchey-looking facial hair on me” thought his jawline.
I have a soft spot in my heart for Demi Lovato, because she’s kind of a NFGQiT (No Fucks Given Queen in Training), and normally I’d advise anyone with a snatch to stay as far away from Wilmer Valderrama as possible, but she’s doing really well, which means…he might not be totally the worst? I mean, he is keeping her away from booze and druggy dust. Let me tell you, this situation is a real Snatch-22.
Here’s a healthy and sober Demi Lovato at GMA last Thursday: