Stacey Dash Responds To Kanye West’s Paparazzi Rape Rant By Suggesting He Spend Some Time In Prison

Drunk Uncle’s favourite channel, Fox News, took a break from being the backwards voice of batshit insanity to address Kanye West’s cringeworthy rant comparing paparazzi attention to rape (#yesallkanyes) on Tuesday night’s round-table talk show Outnumbered (I bet 50% of their audience comes from people expecting to see an MTV dating show from 2004). The majority of the panel agreed that Kim Kardashian’s latest husband is an insensitive, deluded dick sore who’s totally out-of-touch with reality, but when it came time for “Hollywood actress” Stacey Dash to comment, she pulled a Dionne and drove the conversation onto the freeway by chiming in with this WTF nugget:

“For Kanye to say ‘rape,’ maybe he needs to spend some time on Rikers Island, go to Rikers for a while, and then he’ll know what rape is.”

Clearly she could tell by the panel’s dead silence that if they weren’t live, they’d start screaming “NOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” like Dionne’s boyfriend Murray, so she put those “Hollywood actress” skills to good use and attempted a flawless um and I-i-i  filled segue into a defense of the paparazzi:

“I don’t get celebrities not understanding that the paparazzi are doing their job.”

That’s easy for Stacey Dash to say; the only person who wants a current picture of Dionne from Clueless is the chick at the DMV. But seriously, Stacey’s probably swiping at Kanye because he didn’t let her keep that hot blue and orange tube dress from the “All Falls Down” video.

And doesn’t she realize how redundant it is to suggest Kanye spend some time at Rikers? He’s already serving time in the worst prison in America: The Kardashian Kompound.

Two Of The One Direction Twinks Got Caught Smoking The Good Shit

Good news for those of you who woke up this morning and thought “You know, I’d really like to see a video of two famous 20-year-olds getting high in a van today”. A video has emerged of One Direction’s Zayn Malik (aka the “hot bad boy” one) and Louis Tomlinson (the internet tells me he’s the “funny one”, so I guess that makes him the Joey Fatone?) smoking weed while traveling in a van to a One Direction show in Peru on April 27th. The Daily Mail, who has the journalistic integrity of the Channel 4 News Team, describes the video as “shocking” and “exposes the dark side of the squeaky clean boy band”. However, I would describe the video as “boring” and “is literally two guys smoking weed in a van”. Oh, and also some guy talking about chicken:

“But we got a full chicken” is the new Hakuna Matata. But back to those two living My Scene dolls smoking the stickiest of icky. Seeing two dudes in their early 20s smoking weed to relax before a concert is nothing to be all Helen Lovejoy concerned about, except maybe for the fact that they keep calling it “Mary Jane” and “Mary J. Blige”, which made me cringe hard enough to fall off my chair and cringe a dent into the floor. But some One Direction fans are LOSING THEIR SHIT because DRUGS ARE BAD and OMG JUST SAY NO!

I love One Direction but this zouis smoking thing is sad. Why would they do that. It's all messed up.

— Sophieluvsyoubo (@1_dimages) May 27, 2014

I love One Direction with all my heart but come on guys weed smoking on film? I get upset when any person does a type of drug. (C)

— Age°o° (@NovaStarSC) May 28, 2014

I know you’re probably sitting there screaming “CHILL OUT, WEED ISN’T A TYPE OF DRUG!” as you lick the rim of crushed vicodin off a Theraflu and vodka, but we need to remember these are 8 and 9 year olds who still think “trying weed” leads to snorting coke out of Satan’s asshole. To put it into perspective, seeing two boy banders take a hit off a joint is as insanely devastating as if you and I watched a video of Maru the Cat inject black tar heroin directly into his paws with a dirty needle and fuck a diseased cardboard box while spouting hateful shit about Shiba Inus.

I Guess There’s A Rob Kardashian In Every Family

In between the segments Five MORE Surprising Super Foods and How Gross Are Your Toenails (answer: so gross) Dr. Oz recently taught me about Birth Order, aka the theory that when you fell out of your mom’s cha-cha determines how well you’ll do in life. For instance, first borns are usually doctors and lawyers (or bloggers hunched over a computer, elbow-deep into their second bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos), middle children are usually teachers, the youngest are sassy lil’ devils, and pets are usually the favorite child so get used to it. He never said what it means when you’re the younger brother to a bunch of older sisters, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it means you’re bound to start a business where you sell shit nobody asked for. Case in point, Duchess Kate and Pippa Middleton’s younger brother James Middleton.

According to Us Weekly, those dusty-looking styrofoam squares are actually custom-made marshmallows by James’s company Boomf. For $20, James will print your G-rated Instagram pictures (no dicks? NOT INTERESTED) on crappy edible paper and stick them to 9 homemade marshmallows. He chose marshmallows, because he wanted something that could be packed flat and easily mailed to friends. Good job, James; nothing says ‘Help me, I’m making so many life mistakes’ like sending your friends an envelope full of sticky white goo covered in pictures of sunsets.

He sort of had me at marshmallows, but lost me at pictures; those edible photographs always give me the dry heaves. They get too moist and all the dark ink starts to run and the cake ends up looking like something the Ninja Turtles made in the sewer for Splinter’s birthday, or they warp and make everyone’s face look like Rocky Dennis. If you really want to impress a friend or loved one, skip the edible photo and do like I do: dump an entire jar of the coagulated circus clown jizz known as Betty Crocker Rainbow Chip Frosting on a Sarah Lee pound cake and call it a day. Voilà, instant party.

(Pics via Instagram)