Lil Wayne has again denied his fans the opportunity to see his lil ass bounce around on stage to “Lollipop.” Except this time, it’s not because of seizures. This time Lil Wayne cancelled a performance simply because he didn’t want to go through the venue’s security checkpoint.
Some of the industrial-strength spirit gum Nicki Minaj used to keep her dress attached to her tits must have seeped into her skin and floated through her bloodstream, because clearly something has fucked up the part of her brain responsible for making good decisions.
Shortly after Nicki hosted a Halloween party at 1-Oak in Las Vegas on Friday night, someone filmed a video of her in her skanky fairy princess costume drunkenly wandering through a hall, cackling like Salacious B. Crumb and pretending to grant wishes. Now technically, that could describe anyone on Halloween (I’m sure there’s a a video of me in a tooth fairy costume asking if anyone wants to “fill my cavities” floating around on the internet somewhere). But then Nicki spots someone using a motorized wheelchair scooter and shouts: “Walk! I command you to walk!“. Yes, the same person who scolded the internet for laughing at that Pill Cosby costume decided to make a tasteless joke at the expense of someone who couldn’t walk. No, I can’t either.
Letting a friend film you doing something dumb is about a 9 on the dumb shit to do scale, but it gets dumber. Nicki then threw the video up on Instagram. Shocking to absolutely no one, the internet responded to Nicki’s video with a massive “REALLY???“, so she yanked it down. TMZ managed to save a copy before she deleted it, which you can watch here.
I’m sure you’re thinking “This is the part where she goes on Twitter and apologizes for making fun of a disabled person, right?” Um…not exactly.
Lol. That's NOT a disabled person and u know that. Are u that desperate for attention? https://t.co/vaWzfIifyp
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) November 1, 2015
Lol u mufuckas need some peepee.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) November 1, 2015
Bitch, u knew. That's my friend in a scooter. Have a great day. I surely will. 😘 https://t.co/rRR4lXtV5X
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) November 1, 2015
See? She wasn’t making fun of a disabled person in a scooter! She was simply making fun of her non-disabled friend. Who was using a scooter. For some reason that is never fully explained. Got it? Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get it once you’ve figured out what the hell “U mufuckas need some peepee” means (let me know when you get it?).
Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively have really only released one picture of Baby James since she was born back in January (aka the one of her stuffed into a baby carrier the wrong way) and they probably wanted to keep it that way. But I guess one of Ryan’s childhood friends didn’t get the memo, because Ryan recently admitted to GQ that said friend isn’t one of his friends anymore because he caught him trying to sell pictures of his baby. When asked if his friend did it for the money (DUH!), Ryan answered:
“Yeah, just for money. I mean, I don’t think he thought he would ever be caught. But it’s a pretty narrow group of people that I would send photos like that to. They’re just, like, my closest family and my closest friends: ‘Here’s us in the delivery room!'”
“It was like a death. It was like one of those devastating things to find out.”
Obviously that friend wanted to make some extra cash more than he wanted to stay friends with Van Wilder. And it sounds like this maybe wasn’t a total surprise to Ryan. According to Ryan, his friend tried to sell the baby pictures shortly after Ryan cut him off, cash-wise. Apparently Ryan was letting him hump on his checking account, but had to cut him off (probably because Blake needed the extra money to invest in vintage mason jars and twine). And now their friendship is DEAD.
Ryan’s friend is a dum-dum for two reasons. One, it’s kind of a dick move to sell pictures of your friend’s kid, especially when your friend has been filling your wallet with his residuals from The Proposal. Two, because he didn’t need the real thing. I’m sure nobody would have questioned him if he took a doll, wrapped it in an antique linen diaper, placed it on an Antebellum-era patchwork quilt surrounded by several sprigs of hand-picked eucalyptus, taken a picture, applied 3 to 4 Instagram filters, and been like “Here, this is basically a picture of Blake Lively’s kid. Can I have some money now?”
Shortly after it was announced that Sherri Shepherd was calling it quits with her questionably-employed husband of three years Lamar Sally, he ran to the press to tell them that she was also trying to wash her hands of an unborn surrogate baby. Sherri’s story was that the baby – which was made when Sherri and Lamar were still together – was only made so that sneaky gold-digging trick Lamar could get his hands on a stack of child support cash every month, and she was doing everything possible to scoot away from that mess.
Unfortunately for Sherri, it looks like Lamar’s maybe-shady plan worked, because TMZ says a Pennsylvania judge ruled earlier today that she is legally the mother of their surrogate baby, Lamar Sally Jr., who was born in Pennsylvania last August. Naturally, Lamar Sr. is thrilled with the judge’s decision, and thinks Sherri now owes him a public apology:
“I want her to go on television and apologize the same way that she went on there and accused me of being a gold digger and tricking her into having a baby.”
Go on television? He knows she’s not on TV anymore, right? Speaking of gold digging, Lamar is still going to have to wait a bit to see how much cash he’ll get from his ex-wife for his flawless money-making plan…I mean, baby. TMZ says all the child support stuff will be worked out in a court in Los Angeles at a later date.
The only thing that could have made this situation any better would be if the paternity results had been read out on Maury so we could see Lamar’s “You ARE the mother!” end-zone dance. No, really – it’s literally the only thing that could have made it better, because everything about this situation is the absolute worst.
Drunk Uncle’s favourite channel, Fox News, took a break from being the backwards voice of batshit insanity to address Kanye West’s cringeworthy rant comparing paparazzi attention to rape (#yesallkanyes) on Tuesday night’s round-table talk show Outnumbered (I bet 50% of their audience comes from people expecting to see an MTV dating show from 2004). The majority of the panel agreed that Kim Kardashian’s latest husband is an insensitive, deluded dick sore who’s totally out-of-touch with reality, but when it came time for “Hollywood actress” Stacey Dash to comment, she pulled a Dionne and drove the conversation onto the freeway by chiming in with this WTF nugget:
“For Kanye to say ‘rape,’ maybe he needs to spend some time on Rikers Island, go to Rikers for a while, and then he’ll know what rape is.”
Clearly she could tell by the panel’s dead silence that if they weren’t live, they’d start screaming “NOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” like Dionne’s boyfriend Murray, so she put those “Hollywood actress” skills to good use and attempted a flawless um and I-i-i filled segue into a defense of the paparazzi:
“I don’t get celebrities not understanding that the paparazzi are doing their job.”
That’s easy for Stacey Dash to say; the only person who wants a current picture of Dionne from Clueless is the chick at the DMV. But seriously, Stacey’s probably swiping at Kanye because he didn’t let her keep that hot blue and orange tube dress from the “All Falls Down” video.
And doesn’t she realize how redundant it is to suggest Kanye spend some time at Rikers? He’s already serving time in the worst prison in America: The Kardashian Kompound.
Good news for those of you who woke up this morning and thought “You know, I’d really like to see a video of two famous 20-year-olds getting high in a van today”. A video has emerged of One Direction’s Zayn Malik (aka the “hot bad boy” one) and Louis Tomlinson (the internet tells me he’s the “funny one”, so I guess that makes him the Joey Fatone?) smoking weed while traveling in a van to a One Direction show in Peru on April 27th. The Daily Mail, who has the journalistic integrity of the Channel 4 News Team, describes the video as “shocking” and “exposes the dark side of the squeaky clean boy band”. However, I would describe the video as “boring” and “is literally two guys smoking weed in a van”. Oh, and also some guy talking about chicken:
“But we got a full chicken” is the new Hakuna Matata. But back to those two living My Scene dolls smoking the stickiest of icky. Seeing two dudes in their early 20s smoking weed to relax before a concert is nothing to be all Helen Lovejoy concerned about, except maybe for the fact that they keep calling it “Mary Jane” and “Mary J. Blige”, which made me cringe hard enough to fall off my chair and cringe a dent into the floor. But some One Direction fans are LOSING THEIR SHIT because DRUGS ARE BAD and OMG JUST SAY NO!
I love One Direction but this zouis smoking thing is sad. Why would they do that. It's all messed up.
— Sophieluvsyoubo (@1_dimages) May 27, 2014
I love One Direction with all my heart but come on guys weed smoking on film? I get upset when any person does a type of drug. (C)
— Age°o° (@NovaStarSC) May 28, 2014
I know you’re probably sitting there screaming “CHILL OUT, WEED ISN’T A TYPE OF DRUG!” as you lick the rim of crushed vicodin off a Theraflu and vodka, but we need to remember these are 8 and 9 year olds who still think “trying weed” leads to snorting coke out of Satan’s asshole. To put it into perspective, seeing two boy banders take a hit off a joint is as insanely devastating as if you and I watched a video of Maru the Cat inject black tar heroin directly into his paws with a dirty needle and fuck a diseased cardboard box while spouting hateful shit about Shiba Inus.