Category: You And God Are Close Now?

Tila Tequila Tried To Baptize Her Neighbor’s Children Against Their Grandmother’s Wishes

November 17, 2020 / Posted by:

You know, they say Madonna is the Queen of Reinvention, but I think Tila Tequila might have her beat. Girl went from MySpace celebrity to bisexual MTV reality star/“singer” to 21st century Nazi to Carrie’s batshit bible-thumping mama from Carrie. She now goes by the name “Tornado Thien” and posts daily YouTube videos praying for Trump’s win, counting down to the rapture, and spouting general craziness and racism. It’s sad. And also scary. Tila recently posted a video entitled “I WAS ABOUT TO BAPTIZE 2 KIDS & THE DEVIL KIDNAPPED THEM!-Mark 9:42”.

In the video Tila’s actually the one doing the kidnapping. She lured the neighborhood children into her home with the promise of a bathtub baptism to “save them”. The kids’ grandmother shows up to actually save them, and she and Tila have words. What in the Lindsay Lohan Moscow kidnapping attempt hell? Continue reading

A Feather Fell On Katy Perry And She Thought It Was A Message From An Angel

July 4, 2014 / Posted by:

In a move that totally isn’t an obvious act of blatant damage control, Katy Perry has challenged the claim that she’s a song-stealing dork-sided gorgyle by proving she’s still cool with the big man upstairs by tweeting about the religious experience she had during a recent show in Florida. I know what you’re thinking: religious experience + Florida = she saw a drunk diamond named Angel get arrested for giving a sloppy blow job to a cheeseburger in a Waffle House parking lot. Sadly, no; it involved an angel, but not one that just came from a Daytona Beach bike show.

DUH – of course there are angels watching her ass. God needs to make sure those two giant investments he gave Katy are protected. God invented gravity, so he knows that her tits will be the first to hit the ground if she fell, so God he hired two angels to follow her around and whisper “Don’t forget Katy! Always put one foot in front of the other when walking!” to make sure she remains upright.

Then again, maybe God and angels don’t exist, and that feather was just from a dead pigeon that got caught in an air vent, and Katy mistook it for an angel feather because she was tripping balls from inhaling all that freon-laced Florida air. Yeah, that’s it.

Justin Bieber Searched NYC For The Perfect Pool To Be (Eye Roll) Baptized In

February 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Since Justin Bieber probably won’t be doing any jail time, and you have to be in big boy pants or weaned off breastmilk before being admitted to Wee Hab: The Rehab for Babies, it looks like Tantrum Toddler is going to have to get creative if he wants to win back the public’s affection (and he better do it quick; it’s only a matter of time before the leaders of Galactus X5 receive our petition asking them to abduct him and take him back to their planet for probing). According to Page Six, Justin is dumber than we thought, because his big damage control idea is to strengthen his relationship with Christ through baptism:

Multiple sources confirmed to us that Bieber was looking for a Manhattan property with a private pool to conduct a baptism-like ceremony with the Hillsong Church NYC.

One source said, “Justin and his team spent time on Saturday searching for a place with a pool where they could conduct a baptism for him, a cleansing ritual, with the Hillsong Church. But they couldn’t find a place in time.”

Another source added, “Justin is serious about his Christian faith, and after recent events, he needed to take a pause.”

I feel like even the most Bible Belt-y of Christians are reading this and thinking: “He needs to take a long pause in the time-out chair”. Getting baptized isn’t going to do shit; the last time I checked, splashing water on your head washes away sins, not the stench of douchebaggery. Plus, has anyone asked Christ what he wants? Maybe he doesn’t want a closer relationship with Justin Bieber. Maybe every time he sees an incoming prayer from Justin on his phone, he mutters “Oh, fuck off” before hitting ‘decline’ and then seeks validation from his friends that he didn’t do anything wrong. “Ugh, you guys, does that make me a bad person?? I, like, never do that; but he’s just soooooo awful. I shouldn’t feel bad, right?” (“OMG Jesus, no! Do NOT even feel bad.”)

Here’s more of a post-pool shopping Justin in NYC posing for pictures with some fans. Hey fans? You need to get your shit together too; waiting outside in a snow storm for a pop star with a declining career trajectory is a sure sign that it’s time to let Jesus take the wheel:

(Pics: Splash)

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