The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
Gigi and Bella Hadid were both at a friend’s birthday party the other day, and since they have to put absolutely everything on social media, Bella posted a video on Instagram of Gigi mimicking the Asian eyes on a cookie. Bella deleted that video, but the damage was already done and many labeled Gigi as the new Miley Cyrus (and RiRi)!
Bella Hadid is seen above letting you know how she feels about her ex-boyfriend rebounding with one of her friends, but if you ask Selena Gomez, they’re more like barely acquaintances.
Shortly after Selena Gomez was papped hanging on The Weeknd outside of a restaurant a week ago, Bella Hadid poured gasoline on their friendship and lit a match by unfollowing Selena on Instagram. That unfollow was no accident, and it sounds like Bella isn’t changing her mind anytime soon. TMZ says that Bella feels Selena is a shady-ass bitch who stabbed her in the back by hooking up with her ex.
Lately, Jared Leto has been looking like the pure definition of a fashion victim, and at The Fashion Awards 2016 in London last night, he turned it all the way up. If Jared and his stylist were going for “Willy Wonka after getting a bootleg Beatles haircut and dye job and moving to The Valley to become a sleazy porn producer,” they nailed it hard. That Gucci’d out ensemble just screams, “I’m going to make you a STAH, baby, now let’s go back to my place to sign the contracts….” Trick looks like the orgy baby that every character in Boogie Nights made together.
Well, I guess if you’re going to look like Liberace as seen through the eyes of Terry Richardson, a fashion awards show is the place to do it. And Jared Leto, who is becoming a Fighting The Hot Grand Champion, must’ve gotten sick of hos throwing their coochies and assholes at him all the time, so he turned himself into a walking boner killer by getting a janky bowl cut that looks like it was done with safety scissors. That’ll do it!
Here’s a million more pictures from The Fashion Awards. Come for David Gandy (“You can say that again.” – your genitals) and stay for Donatella Versace serving up Solid Gold Muppet sexiness.
Last December, the lemons of Malibu rotted before falling off of their tree branches after it was announced that the marriage between their queen Yolanda Foster and her king David Foster died like my last remaining brain cells whenever I watch all 3 parts of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion back-to-back. Around that time, some pointed out that the extremely reliable and 100% accurate Celebrity Net Worth claims that Yolanda’s fortune is worth $45 million compared to David’s which is worth $30 million. But when Yolo filed divorce papers, she’s the one who asked for a monthly spousal support check and OK! claimed she wanted $100,000 a month. Nobody said that getting weekly colonics, cryogenics and all the other Goop-approved shit she gets comes cheap.
TMZ says that Yolanda and David’s divorce is now settled, and he’s not going to drop a stack of money into her bank account every single month. Yolanda and David signed a prenup when they got married in 2011. The prenup states that Yolanda will not get a monthly spousal support check, but she will get a lump sum. One source says that David has set Yolanda up and has been very “generous,” but she’s not getting enough money to retire from doing whatever it is she does.
Let’s be clear: Yolanda isn’t getting enough money to retire the Yolanda way. But I’m sure she’s getting enough money to retire the-rest-of-us way. Because all I need to retire is a place with a roof, cable (all the channels), internet and enough money for In-N-Out, weed, booze and the occasional visit to The Old Spaghetti Factory. And it’s nice that David is being so generous, but I hope he’s not being too generous, because he’s going to need money for wife #5, wife #6, wife #7, and so on…
And here’s Yolanda’s daughter Bella Hadid giving us 90s groupie glamour while leaving The Nice Guy last night:
Selma Blair plays Pimp Mama Kris in American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson. Pimp Mama Kris’ daughter Kendull Jenner is friends with fellow model Gigi Hadid whose mom is Yolanda Hadid (formerly Foster) who has separated from David Foster who is now apparently bumping wet parts with Selma Blair. I know that in Hollywood there’s six degrees of separation between all of the genitals of famous tricks, but Selma Blair and David Foster? Linda Blair and Jodie Foster would be less of a random couple than Selma Blair and David Foster.
David is a brand new single bitch after he and Yolanda announced in December that they’re over. Selma has pretty much been single since breaking up with the father of her 4-year-old son in 2012.
UsWeekly says that David and Selma were definitely on a date when they had dinner at Craig’s in West Hollywood last week. Again, it was DEFINITELY a date.
The meeting between the actress and estranged husband of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Yolanda Foster wasn’t just friends grabbing food; it was indeed a romantic date, a source confirms to Us Weekly.
“It was definitely a date!” a source tells Us of Blair, 43, and Foster, 66, taking in some alone time at the upscale West Hollywood eatery.
How does this “source” know that it was definitely a date? Did they bone on the table while waiting for their salads to come? Or did they push at their food while making awkward small talk about their dogs before Selma “forgot” she had the flu and ran off while promising she’ll call (when she knows she won’t). That’s how all of my dates go, anyway. Maybe it wasn’t a date at all. Maybe it was a business meeting. David could be producing a Lifetime movie based on his time with Yolanda called Lemons & Lyme: My Life With Yolo. And he wants Selma to play Yolanda since she was so good at playing that other privileged mess.
But I’m sure the “source” (read: an UsWeekly intern) knows it was definitely a date because Selma’s publicist told them so.
Here’s Selma giving you Studio 54 reject glamour at Chateau Marmont a couple of weeks ago.