Just two days ago, everyone reported 46-year-old recent rehab graduate Ben Affleck and his 22-year-old Playboy model girlfriend Shauna Sexton broke up after about two months. Well, Shauna might be harder to shake than The Nanny, because she doesn’t think she’s Ben’s ex-girlfriend just yet.
Ben and Shauna had just returned from a trip to Montana, and everything seemed a-ok in their world. Then a day later, a source spoke to People, saying they’d broken up, and that Ben was focusing on his sobriety, his family, and his next project. Shauna tells DailyMailTV that it’s not true:
“I know [there are lots of unnamed insiders] – and they just make shit up, just like this. Don’t believe everything you read.”
“It was casual to begin with, and wasn’t the right move. It was newish. They were really only sort of seeing each other for about four weeks. He broke it off. It was more about realizing [a casual relationship] wasn’t the right thing for him.”
Another source tells People that the split was the relationship equivalent of a casual, apathetic shrug, because Ben and Shauna weren’t much of anything in the first place. So what does this bring us to now, two for broken up and one for still together? Shauna might want to come up with a different strategy for convincing us she’s still with Ben, because right away, she’s already outnumbered 2-to-1. She needs hard proof, like another Jack In The Box run with Ben. We’ll pretty much know for sure what’s up if “Ben” looks suspiciously like a promotional movie theater carboard cutout of Batman.
During this year’s Super Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake offended The Purple One by putting his pucker-inducing image on fucking laundry, I figured that Pepsi was torturing us so that we’d scream, “Enough! Enough! Okay, okay, bring back that creepy happy cult from the 70s. We give up!” I guess they want us to scream louder, because the halftime performers of 2019’s Super Bowl will be Heavy Flow Stain Cinco aka Maroon 5. “Honey, I think someone spilled the ranch, feta, and French onion dip onto the floor” will be heard at Super Bowl parties everywhere after middle-aged moms shoot out a coochie geyser from watching Adam Levine make orgasm faces.
While some of us are sitting over here disgusted with Scarlett Johansson’s “Carol Brady if Carol Brady let Jan Brady give her a haircut” hair, she’s disgusted over the old story that she was one of several women who auditioned to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
The tale that it’s older than John Travolta’s favorite possum wig is that after Tommy’s beard contract with Penelope Cruz expired, the head crazies at Scientology set out to find him a girlfriend who’d embrace the LSD-induced ramblings of L. Ron Hubbard, unlike stupid nonbelievers Nicole Kidman and Penelope, and become the Princess of Scientology. Scientology supposedly held an “audition” in 2004 that included ScarJo. An ex-employee of Scientology and Sea Org was on Megyn Kelly’s hour of Today yesterday and said he saw ScarJo’s name on a report about the Tommy girlfriend auditions. Megyn Kelly is exploding with happiness since her show, Ambien Presents The Boring Hour Of Who Cares Shit, finally got some attention, but ScarJo is pissed.
Still reeling from last night’s Westworld finale? Me too. And I’m sorry to shake you guys up more, but something else mind-bendingly, timeline-confusing has happened: future President Kim Kardashian is done with selfies. I would let out a gay gasp to end all gay gasps, but I used them all up this weekend at Pride.
Roseanne Barr tried to convince people that her racist tweet aimed at former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett was the result of being hopped up on Ambien. Those that didn’t buy that excuse the first time now have another excuse to roll their eyes at. According to Roseanne, she wasn’t being racist: she was trying to shed a light on anti-semitism.
For about a month now, Justin Theroux and Emma Stone have been sucked into a rumor that their friendship is a lot friendlier than either of them will let on. E! News thinks they’ve gotten to the bottom of things, and they say the two are platonic.
Justin and Emma have been seen most recently in France for a work obligation related to their respective deals with Louis Vuitton. Once source says that they’re just hanging out as friends “and colleagues were with them during the day [on Monday].”
Justin has also been “spotted” with fellow face of LV, Laura Harrier. They might possibly be dating, but it’s not serious. Another source says that Justin is just casually dating.
“Justin is hanging out and having the time of his life. He’s casually dating, but it’s nothing more. He’s in a great place and very happy. He’s enjoying being social and meeting people from all walks of life. He is excited about doing new things and traveling. He’s looking forward to a great summer of fun and just seeing where it leads.”
The source adds that he’s “letting loose” for the first time in several years because he doesn’t have anyone else “to be responsible for or to report back to” and he’s “moved on” from Jennifer Aniston.
I hope the source was serious when they said Justin is being social with people from all walks of life. I know I would be delighted to trade in a week of “Justin spotted canoodling with Emma” to “Justin caught dry humping on a beach towel with Dame Judi Dench.”