If you’re an aspiring rapper who also happens to be a woman, here’s a hot career tip for you: don’t send a mixtape to the office of Rick Ross. I’m sorry, but it’s just not going to work out. The guaranteed sexual tension between you and Rick will inevitably cause your crotches to explode with passion, which will then make things weird around the office, and Rick just doesn’t want to have to deal with that. At least according to Rick Ross’ delusional mind that’s what will happen.
Rick was asked why he’s never signed a lady rapper to his recording label, Maybach Music Group, during a recent interview with Power 105.1’s The Breakfast Club (via Pitchfork). Pure misogynistic nonsense ensued.
“You know, I never did it because I always thought, like, I would end up fucking a female rapper and fucking the business up. I’m so focused on my business. I just, I gotta be honest with you. You know, she looking good. I’m spending so much money on her photo shoots. I gotta fuck a couple times.”
Those poor female rappers. The disappointment they must feel knowing they’ll never have the privilege of wrapping up an expensive photo shoot and catching a glimpse of Rick in the corner, puddles of sweat collecting under his moobs in his sexiest laundry day outfit, with a look in his eyes that say “I’m going to let you have sex on me…a couple times.”
But there’s one person who greatly benefits from Rick’s no female rappers policy, and that’s whoever runs HR over at Maybach Music Group. They would for sure develop a chronic case of carpal tunnel and severe nerve damage in their fingertips from typing up all those sexual harassment complaints.
Jeremy Renner has made enough money pretending to shoot arrows in the Avengers movies that he could pay someone $5,000 a minute to carry him on their shoulders as he carries his daughter on his, but no, he’s not going to do that. Jeremy Renner doesn’t want his 4-year-old daughter Ava to grow up in typical rich kid fashion. Sorry, Ava: no gold-dipped animal crackers for you (I didn’t grow up rich; is this something rich kids eat?). Or maybe you Jeremy will allow her those gold animal crackers, but she’s going to have to work for them.
When Andrew Garfield did lazy drag while lip synching his sad wig off at a drag show hosted by Michelle Visage, I felt like he confirmed to the world that he’s 100% straight with those 90s frat boy dance moves. But inside of Andrew is a gay man, and I don’t mean that he’s a bottom and an actual gay man is inside of him.
Seen above dressed like the messy mess that she is, Lindsay Lohan took a break from Photoshopping in pictures of Parasite Hilton and Beyonce at her birthday party to tell everyone to leave Trump alone and to stop bullying him. Says the trick who has been bullying her lips with a filler needle for years.
If while flipping channels you’ve come across heave-inducing shows like Donnie Loves Jenny and another Duck Dynasty spin-off, and figured that A&E has run out of ideas and given up, think again, ho. A&E has given the people what we really need and want: a reality show where Rob Lowe and his sons travel the country investigating paranormal shit and unsolved mysteries. What they should’ve investigated is why A&E gave Rob Lowe a show about paranormal shit. Now that is an unsolved mystery that needs solving.
Azealia Banks has apparently put away the shank she waved in Iggy Azalea’s direction for years, and those two wrecks may have finally trashed their overcooked beef and made up. But as Azealia (temporarily) scratches Iggy’s name off of a list of enemies to cast a black magic spell on, Halsey has stood up and declared to the world that along with good taste and nice wigs, she wants nothing to do with Iggy Azalea.